You elected them. Now it's time to separate the man from the boys.
The Fine Four
T-No
Gator
Lawrence
Johnny
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
A special Christmas Eve message to you, and you, and YOU!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Yankeetorial: We are the job-creating, overtaxed 1 percent
Che Selig and his tie-dyed, welfare-mob Noam Chomsky owner-cronies are slathering themselves in peanut oil, so they can run buck naked in the streets, glistening amid the light from burning U.S. flags, as they deliriously celebrate their illegal and unjust $13.9 million blood-luxury tax on the Yankees.
This horrible draconian crackdown has cowed the Steinbrothers - known to be meek and otherwise good-hearted fuckups - into accepting a winter where our greatest free agent acquisition is Gus Molina.
We have abdicated our seat of Yankee prominence, letting the Angels, Marlins and Rangers grab players and headlines that are rightfully ours. And now this:
We must pay the Madoff Mafia $13.9 million for its phony, flesh-peddling Ponzi scam?
No justice, no peace.
Fourteen million dollars? That's a year of Roy Oswalt. That's two bullpen arms. We should not pay blood money to MLB. Let's refuse. What can they do? Kick us out of the league?
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Cashman nails it: Yankees dodge the bullet called Gio Gonzalez
He saw Rick Rhoden in Pittsburgh and had to have him. So we traded Doug Drabek.
He saw Jeff Weaver in Detroit. Same story. We dealt away Ted Lilly and two others.
He saw Kevin Brown in LA. The itch returned. We traded three, including Jeff Weaver.
One rotten deal after another. Randy Johnson. Denny Nagle. Javy Vazquez. We traded future stars for those of other teams' past.
Not this time, though.
The Oakland A's go throw pitchers like nursing homes go through creamed corn, like Syracusans go through road salt, like Newt Gingrich goes through terminally ill wives: They squeeze out everything, then trade them before the rent comes due.
For Gonzalez, Oakland GM Billy Beane wanted Jesus Montero, Manny Baneulos and Dellin Betances. I would have punched him in the nose. Today, Cashman simply said no. We didn't trade the farm for a guy who's 26, going on 34.
Merry Christmas? I'll take it.
Christmas with the Cranks
Simple. My “nine-nine-nine” plan will replace the current twelve-tier system with one flat verse. Everyone, regardless of income, will give nine drummers drumming, nine ladies dancing, and so on - down to nine partridges and nine pair trees – for nine days. That’s “nine-nine-nine,” from yours truly, “the ranger from a stranger manger!” (Applause)
Speaker Grinch, how would you save Christmas? (Shout from crowd, "LET IT DIE!" Applause.)
Bah! (Applause.) As nominee, I will challenge Claus to 12 night-long debates, without milk or cookies, based on the model of the Michael Faraday Royal Institution Christmas Lecture series of 1825. (Applause.) But to answer your stupid question, (applause) as an historian, I will end the current illegal, single-night, global redistribution of wealth, shut down the socialist workshop at the North Pole, and send Claus to jail on repeated counts of home invasion! (Applause.)
OK. This goes to Governor Chimney. You helped create SantaCare, which guarantees free toys for every tot. But are you now for the program, or against it?
Absolutely! Under my plan, instead of toys, children will receive vouchers, allowing them to buy clothing or lumps of clean coal. But let me address an earlier question: I support Christmas. I have always supported Christmas. And unlike Santa, I will not apologize for Christmas! (Applause.) It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
Congressman Michele Blitzen, how will you win the war on Christmas?
For starters, we should take a page from China, which has no Santa. Secondly, I will trim the tree, branch by branch. (Applause.) Also, I want to address the moms in the audience: As Santa, I will not come into your house on the holiest night of the year and leave you a personalized NFL jersey or a lawn mower. (Applause.)
Governor Rick Merry, what is the true meaning of Christmas?
Hey, can we get back to that first question, to, um, whatzhisname? When I make my Christmas list, I will start at zero gifts. That’s right, nothing – naughty or nice. Nobody gets anything, unless I think of a reason. And right now, I can’t think of any. (Applause.)
Congressman Ron Pole, you’re shaking your head?
We need to get Christmas out of other holidays, now! Santa has no business in Thanksgiving. What if the Easter Bunny showed up Christmas morning with colored eggs under the tree? Wouldn’t we resent it? Also, let’s end the surveillance. We don’t need Santa seeing us when we sleep. (Applause.)
I’m sorry. We’re out of time. Apologies to candidates Santarum and Harksman, who appeared as ornaments. Happy holidays … and God help us, everyone!
Oh no, now we can't trade our entire farm system for John Danks!
What a shame. All they wanted from us was Jesus Montero - near Jesus' birthday, no less - and a few young pitchers. Oh snap. Now, we can't make a horrible deal, unless the heavens part and God (or Oakland) allows us a chance to obtain the great and all-powerful Gio Gonzalez!
Wow. I know humankind has evolved, but really - did any of us ever imagine a chance to spake those words: Gio Gonzalez in a Yankee uniform. Why, it's a wonder the Internet doesn't crash, just thinking about it!
Listen: We've had Jesus since 16, when he was healing pitchers in Venezuela. To trade him now would be like reading a 400-page Agatha Christie novel until page 397, then throwing it away without learning who done it. We've raised the pup. We kept him through Cliff Lee and all those King Felix rumors. Did we really want to trade him for John Danks? Or Gio Gonzalez, (which is Latino for Jeff Weaver.)
Three shopping days until Christmas. Roy Oswalt, anybody? I don't care. BUT WE MUST NOT BETRAY JESUS ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Top five acquisitons targeted by Yankee brass this winter
1. Yacht: Brother Hal can finally shed his wonky, Doogy Howser-in-prep-school image by purchasing the love boat of his dreams -- a Delaware-sized, traveling superfortress, featuring disco casino, sandy beach for volleyball, IMAX porn theater and "bungle room," modeled after the mattress-floored pit where the great Wilt Chamberlain served sexytime to 1,000 ladies. Price: 1 season of Yu Darvish.
2. Private island: Once the cannibals are replaced with drunk Swedes and the ex-cast of "Lost," a remote South Pacific Gilligan's atoll can serve as the ideal sanctuary for lump brother Hank to play Lord of the Flies and smoke imported Turkish cigarettes, which make him feel grownup. Tab: 1 year of Wilson.
3. Secretariat XI: Look for the Steinbros in 2012 to take their beloved Yankee fan base to the ultimate prize: the Kentucky Derby. Tab: 1 year of Prince Fielder.
4. Tasteful pyramid: Hey, we're not talking about one of those hideous monstrocities in Egypt; they're for kid despots and Dan Brown novels. But dammot, papa George deserves more than that North Korean dwarf with the Elvis hair. A 10-story solid gold memorial could stylishly overlook the White House. It would be cheaper in Tampa, closer to the slaves. Tab: 1 Pujols, 1 Darvish, 1 Fielder.
5. Divorce: At last! Hal and Hank can escape their earthly, marital Gitmos -- and become free billionaires, able to sire supermodels, Fox News anchors and congressional aides. Yes, they'll want five year deals. But at least nobody has to return calls to Scott Boras. Tab: 1 Arod, 1 Jeet, 1 Pujols, 1 CC.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Yankeetorial: Yankees bid for Darvish was like their effort in the post-season: "Modest"
They might as well. The old New York Yankees seem happy to abdicate their responsibilities. After all, we satisfied our goals last year, right? We made the playoffs.
The Steinbrothers - lions of victory in 2008-09, when they signed CC, Tex and AJ - are doing their best imitation of Barack Obama. They stand back, avoid fights and seek to appease those owners that hate us. Of course, they hate us anyway. Whenever a free agent hits the market, they rant about the Yankees buying him. We hang back. They still point to us.
OK, Darvish is off the board. There remains the two Cuban outfielders - the 26-year-old human video, Human Centipedis, and the 19-year-old Jorge Somethingorother - who hit the market next month. After that, every decent pitcher will bring a huge price tag of human flesh.
When the A's decide to peddle Gio Gonzalez, they'll demand twice as much from us as everybody else. If we balk, they'll trade him to Boston for a burger and fries. That's how it's worked for 10 years: Offer him to the Yankees, and if they don't pay up, trade them to their opposition.
We had nothing to lose but money. We refused to spend it.
Final note, regarding Presidential analogy: Newt Gingrich could be the 2011 Redsocks of the GOP. Two weeks ago, he held a 10-game lead in the NL Central. Michele Bachmann had no hitting, Herman Cain pulled his groin, Rick Perry couldn't throw strikes, and Ron Paul only plays in Japan. Now Newt is sinking, and I'm not sure whether Mitt Romney has the pitching to win it all.
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