BREAKING: A NATIONAL EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION HAS BEEN DECLARED FOR TONIGHT

URGENT - YANKEE MESSAGE
National Juju Service Syracuse NY
409 AM EDT Sun Jul 28 2019

CAZ179>189-281915-
/O.CON.KHNX.EH.W.0002.190728T2000Z-190729T0300Z/
/O.CON.KHNX.HT.Y.0005.190729T2000Z-190730T0300Z/
Including the counties of Bronx, Queens, Albany, Broome, Onondaga, Chenango,
the cities of New York, Boston, New York, Providence, Hartford,
Elmira, Yonkers, Massena, Salem, Worcester, Cambridge, Utica, Goshen,
Jersey City, Lowville, and Bakersfield, CA.
409 AM EDT Sun Jul 28 2019

...THE NATIONAL YANKEE JUJU SERVICE HAS DECLARED
A NATIONAL EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION ADVISORY,
BEGINNING AT 7:09 PM EDT THIS EVENING UNTIL 8 PM EDT MONDAY...

* OPPONENT BATTING AVERAGES of up to .450 are forecast for Sunday, 
with possible Yankee ERAs soaring above 9.00.

* THIS MAY BE ACCOMPANIED BY HEAVY WINDS, HALE (David), AND RUN TOTALS
that break existing records. 

* IMPACTS...The runs and extreme immensity of these nine-inning beatings 
may cause stress, especially during extended exposure.

PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

The EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION requires all fans to take extra
precautions during prolonged Yankee exposure. When the game begins, fans
should avoid outside locations and/or reschedule strenuous activities 

to early morning, but plan to hover in front of their television, radio or 
juju porthole/ listening device. 

Wear light weight or loose-fitting clothing when possible and
drink plenty of fluids. Channel all existing bile into the 
television screen or radio wavelength indicator, and dispatch juju 
waves accordingly to the team on the field.

This event will begin in the TOP OF THE SECOND INNING 
OF TONIGHT'S GAME, at approximately 7:32 p.m. EDT. 

At said moment, Yankee juju operatives across the nation will 

direct all personal and public juju waves toward the Yankees.

THIS IS NOT A TEST. THIS IS NOT AN OPTION.

THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE 
IN YOUR SAD, MEASLY LIFE, THUS FAR.

SO DO NOT BLOW IT.

To reduce risk during juju event, the Occupational Safety and

Health Administration recommends scheduling frequent rest breaks
in shaded or air conditioned environments. If a Yankee meltdown 

becomes imminent, call the Yankee Hotline (9-1-1) and ask for
"Food Stamps." 

A National Emergency Juju Intervention means that a 
prolonged period of dangerously hot Redsocks has already occurred. 
The combination of powerful hitters and terrible Yankee pitching 
may combine to create a CATASTROPHIC DANGEROUS SITUATION 
in which Yankee fan disgust and disillusionment is likely. 

Repeat: Drink plenty of fluids, stay indoors, avoid
public exchanges with Boston fans, and check on aging relatives, 
who may be unaware of the impending sweep.

Young children and pets should never be left unattended in 

front of the televised game. This is especially true 
during the bottom of each inning, when Redsock scoring 
can reach lethal totals in a matter of minutes.

STAY ALERT. A NATIONAL EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION means that

Yankee fans everywhere will be channeling their entire psyche
toward Boston, MA, in an attempt to salvage one game from
a four-game series. Yes, this may appear to be pathetic and 
after-the-fact, but - repeating - THIS IS NOT A TEST.

Stay tuned to this site for more instructions.