On a morning we should be celebrating, a dark and painful loss

We've said this before, but it bears repeating, loudly and without malice. It's merely a statement of fact: 

The juju gods are assholes. 

Seriously. I hope they get monkey pox. I hope they lose everything on crypto. I hope they pick Buffalo Bills in their fantasy drafts, and I hope they cannot sleep at night because those stupid Roomba vacuum cleaners are barging around their bedrooms, and that they mistake dried globs of toothpaste for candy mints, and that they pee down their legs while reading on the john - and other partial payments for their crimes against the Yankees. They deserve to rot in hell. Or Utica. 

Last night, they took out Matt Carpenter - after Nestor and maybe Trevino, the single-most feelgood Yankee story of 2022 - for almost surely the rest of the season. In case you missed it, because who stays up until dawn to watch a stumbling team, Carpenter fouled off a pitch and broke his foot. At 36, his year is done. He'll surely get offers over the winter, but his time with the Yankees might also be done. It aint right, I tell ya. At least he got those standing O's in St. Louis, and his comeback outlasted Kim and Pete Davidson. Still, it's a dark day in the Yankiverse, and I blame those surly, graveyard-shift, minimum-wage deities, who do nothing more than fix ballgames. Assholes. I hope they need to wear compression socks.

(The Yankees won last night, thanks to a gamer performance from Jameson Tailion, and those are words you haven't seen here in a while. Tonight, the ever-faltering Gerrit Cole goes against Luis Castillo, who has become the Yankee Babadook, popping up on doorsteps and window sills. Three weeks ago, he was a throwaway line in a Gammons column; how did we end up on this guy's shit list? What did we do to this guy, aside from not drain the farm to get him?) 

How will Carpenter's loss affect us? Let's count the ways.

1. We need Anthony Rizzo back more than ever. Without the Carp, our batting order lists dangerously starboard. Last night, Anthony Benintendi came alive - 2 for 4 with 3 RBIs - but after Barren Aaron Hicks, he was our lone LH batter. That's trouble, especially heading into the postseason. (Houston RHs: McCullers, Verlander, Garcia, Javier...)   

2. With the trade deadline mercifully passed, we might need help from - gasp! - Scranton. First up would likely be lefty OF Estevan Florial, the perpetual prospect, now 24 and in his second season at the Anthracite Capital. But a dirty little secret is that Florial is slumping - hitting .213 over the last month, with an On Base Percentage of just .276. He's a swing-and-miss hitter, not a grinder, and the Yankees don't seem to think he's a solution. Sad.

3. What about all those the grizzled vets which the Yankees annually stash in Moosic? Where the hell are Chris Gittens and Socrates Brito! (Answer: Nobody knows.) But but BUT... there is someone who actually might be interesting: Ronald Guzman, 27, a former BJs prospect, is hitting .388 over the last 30 days. He's 19-49 with 3 HRs, and he's a hulking LH 1B-DH. I don't want to hype this guy, because he's not on the roster, and I kinda doubt he ever will be. But, well, he's there. Would look good coming off the bus.

4. Quite likely, this could be Miguel Andujar's last shot with Yankeehood. In the last month, Miggy's hit .250, though his mental state must have been awful, having been shipped out and then untraded. He or old friend Tyler Wade - a LH infielder - might get a call. Could Wade platoon with IKF or Donaldson? Maybe. Would it solve the problem? Probably not.

5. Cashman finds somebody off a scrap heap. The trade deadline has passed, but old players are like Marvel superheroes - they never truly leave. Cash's greatest talent has been in finding lost souls - like, well, Carpenter! - who are stumbling through Triple A Twilight Zones, waiting for one last call. Is there somebody out there, perhaps who has contemplated retirement, who plays the OF, who bats LH and maybe even has a track record for the Yanks?

6. Like... Gardy? 

OK, shoot me, but I had to say it. Crazy longshot, for sure. And it makes no sense, none whatsoever. But what a story? Nah. Aint gonna happen.

7. We hope for the juju culling of herds on our enemies. That's right. Don't look into my eyes. I've become what we all despise - a jaded, malignantly vile creature who would sit here and call upon the juju gods to foul pitches off of certain opposing batters' kneecaps. Yes, I revel in my foul, fetid evil. But then again... how many sacrifices to the juju gods must the Yankees make? They have now lost the entire center of their batting order - Stanton, Rizzo and Carpenter - dwindling the offense to LeMahiue, Judge and opposite-field bloopers. (And last night, Donaldson.) We are a beaten up team, hitting the point where minor injuries are season-killers. We've paid our price. It's time for somebody else to step into the target range.

Not wishing anybody particular to get hurt - well, okay, yeah, that's a lie, there's a little runt fuckwad in Houston I wouldn't mind getting shingles - but all I'm asking, juju gods, is to even things up, okay? Do your jobs, but do it fairly. And, by the way, I didn't mean that thing about monkey pox. You guys are great. Really. Love ya. Hey, have you lost weight?