How to root in the first round: The thinking Yank fan's guide

It saddens me to say this, but some of you are approaching the 2022 playoffs in a willy-nilly, helter-skelter, raggle-taggle, tittily-wittily manner.

This will not win a ring. 

On that note, clip and save this critical Thinking Fan's guide to supporting the Yankees this postseason. It begins with these first-round rules:

1. Whatever team is leading, root for the other side. 

We seek long, exhausting, bullpen-busting marathons, which start in the afternoon and last well past Stephen Colbert. We want closers throwing three and four  innings, and veteran outfielders standing for hours on the brick-soft artificial turf of Toronto and Tampa.   

2. If a pitcher looks overwhelming, root for the hitters. We don't want another Madison Bumgarner, another Cliff Lee, another Josh Beckett, another Catsup Curt Schilling. Fuck that. We want football scores - 17-14 - where everybody hits.  

3. Beware the hate-fueled malevolence of Tampa. I don't know what we ever did to them, but basically, they loathe us,  despise us, with the unshackled heat of a billion suns. Never underestimate the power of this purely distilled, felony grade hostility. The recent hurricane only made them hate us more. They sit at the bottom of their sinkholes, cradling their African pythons, and blame us because the AC isn't working. They will drink antifreeze if it helps them piss on us.  

4. Whoever plays cheater Houston, root for them. Unfortunately, it's still unclear what team has the best shot.  

5. Beanball war. Whenever a pitch goes high and tight, yell at the opposing manager through your TV-juju porthole, "Hey, are you gonna take that?" 

6. In case of a blowout, turn to football. Haven't you heard? Syracuse is undefeated, and the Bills and Giants are going to the Super Bowl!