A legend resurrected: Giambi's Golden Thong

On a recent Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, Derek Jeter revealed that, back in 2004, the Captain broke out of an 0-for-32 slump by donning the legendary Golden Thong of Jason Giambi.

For years, the Giambino had used his secret talisman to ward off soul-crushing slumps, even if it meant surviving ball-crushing movements. His willingness to share the magnificent, silky and crotch-rot-infested totem with a teammate is why Giambi will someday make a great Yankee manager.  

These days in the Yankiverse, nothing is happening. Every morning feels like Groundhog Day. Wait... it is godamm Groundhog Day. Yesterday, we signed a minor league pitcher named Gray Fenter. Today, people are still digesting prospect rankings, as if they matter. We are two weeks away from the opening of Campa Tampa.  

On that note, let's spin the Wayback to 2004, and enjoy a little hoity-toity, New Yorker intellectual poetry.

GIAMBI'S GOLDEN THONG

On days when drives are flying long,
And pitchers wonder what’s gone wrong?
The Bronx winds sing this joyous song:
“Giambi’s in his golden thong!”
.
Each swing reveals Giambi’s might,
Each wince inspires his mates to fight,
They know too well his painful plight:
One ball hangs left, one ball hangs right.

He leads the veteran team attack,
True courage, he shall never lack!
He eyes the pitch, then takes his whack
As golden threads ascend his crack.

Then comes the time when life turns wrong,
When wins grow short, and losses long,
And Bronx winds sing their saddest song:
“Giambi’s lost his golden thong!”