Ladies and gentlemen, with two weeks until spring training, the state of the Yankees is... weird.

(Applause, applause...)

Thank you, everybody, please, be seated.

(Applause, scattered boos, chants of "LOCK HIM UP!") 

Thank you, everybody. I've come here to Binghamton to state emphatically that... with only days until spring training, the state of the New York Yankees is... PECULIAR! 

(Light applause, silence, cough...) 

Here is where we stand...

It's now been 13 ugly years since the Yanks set foot in a world series. Houston, a criminal franchise, is a dynasty. Boston has more rings in this millennium than we. Baltimore is rising, and nobody knows how several rule changes will alter the game.

Right now, the '23 Yanks far more resemble the .500 team of last year's second half than than the first-place powerhouse of early summer. Basically, we're a veteran team that has aged one more year, with Carlos Rodon having replaced Jameson Taillon.

In the Yankee home opener, two starters - Aaron Hicks and Josh Donaldson - could draw boos. That's right: Booing at the home opener. As we speak, they are being shopped to all ends of the earth. Unless some Saudi prince steps up, nobody will give us anything for them. We must steel ourselves for their return... and the boos.

The Yank farm system ranks 14th out of 30, middle of the pack - aka "mediocre" -  well behind Baltimore and Tampa. But even this modest listing rests on the shoulders of two prospects - Anthony Volpe and Jasson Dominiguez - who, we suspect, have been overhyped. Our future rests upon them. This year will tell us if long term help is truly on the way.

There is exciting talk of Shohei Ohtani coming to New York! (Applause.) Unfortunately, it all swirls around Steve Cohen, the city's dominant owner, by far. In any auction, in any future bidding, the Mets will be the clear favorite to land Ohtani. Let's just be thankful that Cohen colluded to let us keep Aaron Judge. 

Speaking of Judge, there remain serious questions on whether the Yankee lineup can protect him. With an injury or two, it's not hard to imagine the '23 team as a one-star attraction.

The Yankees did not add a LH slugger. They whiffed on keeping Matt Carpenter and Andrew Benintendi - not even a peep -and let Boston sign the LH Japanese outfielder, Masataka Yoshida. The free agent market is weak.   

The Yanks ended '22 without a designated bullpen closer. That has not changed, though - hey - isn't it nice to be done with Aroldis Chapman? (Applause.)

Since last fall, the Yankees have added three ancient executives, with a century of baseball experience. But it's still unknown how decisions will be made, and whether the owner and his GM will take their advice, when given. 

Despite claims otherwise, it looks as though Hal Steinbrenner is done spending on the '23 Yankees.

Which brings me to the "Chinese spy balloon," which is in fact, an alien craf-

(Shouts from back.)

Excuse me. I'm told that unruly fans have overwhelmed security and are entering this Walmart. Please ignore the gallows. Gotta go. G'night, everybody!