Before he'll accept a trade to the Yankees, el Chapo wants an apology. Here's one.

Our dearest Aroldis,

Hope you're staying cool. For some reason, when I think of you enduring these 90-degree days of late, I get flashbacks to the Johnstown flood. 

Anyway, I see on the Interweb that you're still a bit miffed over how those mean old Yankees treated you, back in 2022. I couldn't agree more. You deserve an apology. 

It's hard to believe that those creepy management toadies fools left you - a great pitcher - off the Yankee playoff roster, simply because... 

a) you were getting regularly bombed. 

b) you were unable to throw strikes.
c) you let a new tattoo get infected, sending you to the IL.

and d) you missed a mandatory team practice. 

Why, the gall! The unmitigated gall! 

Not only that, but after the tattoo thing - and who doesn't have enough of them - those simpletons handed the closer role to Clay Holmes. And then, they had the nerve to suggest they did it simply because a few players hit walk-off HRs, leaving you to stand on the mound, smirking like Mr. Sardonicus, in much the way you must have looked after shooting up your ex-wife's garage, back in your madcap salad days, back when your trails of sweat didn't conjure comparisons to the 2021 Fukushima nuclear plant tsunami.  

I'm sorry, sir. O, how sorry I am! 

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt by the bad people with the desks. And now, now, as the Redsocks prepare to dump trade you to - um - I'm sure that somebody, anybody, somewhere, will be delighted to hand their fate in 2026 to a petulant, 38-year-old toddler, who hasn't pitched a full season in the last four years. And it will soon be time to change venues once again.

Surely, I speak for the Yankiverse when I beg your forgiveness, allowing you to return to the team you so artfully destroyed in the early 2020s. Why, it would be like old times, watching you walk the first few batters! Maybe we can stage a reunion with Jose Altuve! Or Rafael Devers! Or Mike Brosseau!

O, well. I understand that you are a proud man. On that note, I hope you stay in Boston, to give the youngsters a role model. And next year... maybe the Mets? We can only dream.