Where have you gone Catfish Hunter, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you

 

On the day we signed him, everything changed.

The players became free,

and the Yankees became the Yankees.

Yanks Trade New Year's Baby for Old Year Geezer

Corey Black, 21, gets us Alfonso Soriano, 37. Thank God El Duque and Alphonso are away, or we'd be in for 20,000 words. Here's Soriano homering off Financialwhiz McBloodsock for the Yankees in a World Series played all the way back when TV screens were narrow:

$29.99

Officially licensed metal wastebasket.  Origin:  China.

$59.99

Leaves warehouse in 7-10 business days.

The Enemy

Tonight we face the Rays, who hail from a land where...

• They don't even recycle. In 2013!
• It smells like ethanol.
• They're allowed to pollute.
• Home Shopping Network was born.
• Hooters was born.
• A cop literally dragged a woman to jail. In 2013!
• They like child porn.
• They don't die.

Beat them. Crush them utterly. Teach them pain.

Where have you gone Thurman Munson, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you

Before Jeter, we had one
great first round draft pick.

 He should be in the Hall.

That Settles It

"This whole steroid thing leaves me totally cold. I like baseball, I'm a fan as well as a broadcaster. It bores me to death. I want baseball. I like baseball. I don't want to read about and hear about all this nonsense."

John Sterling

Top 6th

Anonymous Yankee: We're Sick of A-Rod's Circus

ARLINGTON, TX––Speaking on the condition of anonymity, an overweight Yankee middle reliever told the New York Daily News that A-Rod’s off-the-field turmoil is a distraction to the struggling, fourth-place ballclub.  

“Guys are just tired of it,” said the fleshy, unidentified 27-year old right-handed Nebraska native, “The media circus that’s revolving around Alex is insane — and we haven’t even seen him. It just keeps going. It’s like a carousel that just keeps going around and around and around. At some point, it has to stop.”

The unnamed thickset hurler, who spent most of May on the disabled list with a right oblique strain, appeared to choke up slightly as he said, “I would like his bat in the lineup. We could obviously use it because the potential for some home runs would help us a lot. But with the circus that’s surrounding him right now, I don’t think anybody wants that.”

“When it’s all said and done, you’ll hear more than enough comments from the guys in here,” the outsized 2005 3rd Team All-American whose own career went down in flames after the front office got the brilliant idea to turn him into a starter said as he wrapped the right ankle he once broke in a trampoline accident while playing with his young son. “But don't use my name.”

The Germans Wore Grey, Nolan Ryan Wore Blue

Tuesday's ninth-inning victory over the Rangers, which Brett Gardner called the "biggest win of the year," did nothing to dispel the depressive fog that's been thickening inside the Hertz 24/7 Broadcast Booth since the first time Derek Jeter broke his ankle. By the bottom of Wednesday's third, Suzyn was so completely out of hope that she fantasized out loud about how great it would be if a Yankee hit a home run "just by accident." John was already dreading Thursday's matinee in the Dallas heat. Predicted game time temperature: 100º.

* * *

Here is a GIF of speedy Brett Gardner.

* * *

BLAME IT ON TEXAS: The onscreen home of Walker, Texas Ranger--a.k.a. the offscreen home of Chuck Norris--is for sale.

The 7,362-square-foot home is listed for $1.2 million. Along with the weight room, it's listed as having four bedrooms, seven full bathrooms and a theater. There's also a separate building that served as a studio for the filming of "Walker, Texas Ranger."

Is Norris raising cash to prepare for the "1,000 years of darkness" he warned that the second Obama term would bring?

Today's A-Rod News

The most wanted criminal in baseball is not really hurt.

RUMOR UPDATE:

ANONYMOUS SOURCE UPDATE:  "Rodriguez... believes the Yankees, with the help of Major League Baseball, are conspiring to keep him off the field."--Andrew Marchand, ESPN

I Did Not Know This

Researching The Voice for my new role as Lou Gehrig to El Duque's Wally Pipp--OK, not researching exactly, just lazily browsing his Wikipedia entry--I was surprised to learn the Hertz 24/7 Broadcast Booth significance of "Zombie Jamboree," a Calypso song popularized a million years ago by Harry Belafonte. Here are just a few of its many, many lyrics:

It was a Zombie Jamboree

Took place in a New York cemetery

Zombies from all parts of the Island

Some of them was a great Calypsonians

Although the season was Carnival

We get together in bacchanal

And they singing

Back to back, belly to belly

I don't give a damn, I done dead already

Oho back to back, belly to belly

At the Zombie Jamboree

I had thought that Sterling invented the phrase to punish me. As I near the end of my sixth decade, it's nice to know there are references I'm still too young to get.

* * *

Meanwhile, in baseball, Texas fans and Joe Nathan are blaming the ump.

YOU COULD LOOK IT UP: Texas seceded from Mexico because Mexico abolished slavery.

Bleaagh

Youk says he could be back with Yankees in time for the playoffs

Exciting news. Think of it: Wells, Soriano, Hafner and Youk... plus Grandyman and maybe Jeet: a veritable Murderers Row for that one-game season.

(We leave in an hour.)

Getaway Day Thoughts: Apparently, Chris Stewart's great play at Fenway didn't galvanize the team

I'm off on a National Lampoon Family Vacation, leaving the house keys to Mustang for a week. I might fire off a furious, blood-inked note from some wi-fi hobo jungle - Mt. Waldman is ready to pop - but probably, I'll self-medicate with my head in a bucket of ice-water.

Getaway Day thoughts:

1. Chris Stewart's catch/throw out - the greatest moment of 2013 - spared us from the ridicule of a Fenway sweep, but little more. (He might need to do it again to save us from a sweep in Texas.) A three-run lead against these Yankees is an dam burst. Our only successes come against cans of tomatoes. This is the saddest Yankee lineup since 1990, and the worst may be yet to come.

2. I'm with Mustang: We should re-devote this blog to John and Suzyn, who will struggle to find hope in this cresting August/September hell period. Something tells me that this could be their final season in the booth. We need to chronicle it.

3. Has anybody else realized how creepy it is that Alphonso Soriano might return at the exact moment Alex Rodriguez leaves? We traded Sori for A-Rod, and now we get him back, just as A-Rod goes away? Booga-booga.

4. Sorry, but who can get excited about Sori? He's Vernon Wells II. When the Gammonites say we gave up "just a mid-level prospect" for him, keep in mind that a) our system's best prospects are "mid-level," b) Theo Epstein is not our friend, c) he's had a month to scout our system, and d) we have squandered major talent - from Damaso Garcia to Jay Buhner - in the throes of panicked summers. This is a dangerous move. Worst, we now have both Wells and Soriano to drag down the team next year - holding roster slots and keeping the Mustelliers from ever getting a chance - until it's obvious they are kaput. For weeks, I have dreaded just such a deal.

5. OK... when I return, no more anger. I am declaring a personal WAR ON PESSIMISM.  My goal will be to fill the Yankiverse with glee, and not in the Corey Monteith sense, either.

We must honor this Yankee team for what it is: A collection of castoffs that is desperately trying, that lacks the physical tools to win, and that was inevitable, considering the newly tapered financial structure of baseball.  These players will perform a public service: They will weed from our ranks all fans who only root for the Yankees because they win.

This has been a long time coming. But you cannot appreciate Bernie Williams unless you experience No Neck Williams.

It's here, folks. The Yankacalypse.  See you next week. Mustang, back to you...

This one hit was brought to you by The Sunoco Free Fuel 5000; by clean, safe Indian Point Energy; and by Reynolds Wrap

(El Duque and Alphonso are both traveling this week, to the sure disappointment of you dozens who derive some mysterious benefit from daily mewling about the Yankees. In my friends' absence, I rededicate this blog to its rightful subject: The Voice, John Sterling.)

"Get the decal, get spotted, and win!"  

John went right to the Sunoco Free Fuel 5000 copy as Lyle Overbay's fifth-inning single broke up Yu Darvish's newest DomiNoNo attempt. That same hit came in handy two innings later when John had to pull something out of his ass for the clean, safe Indian Point Power Report. As I write this, we're about to relive the shutout loss--and that hit--on John's postgame Reynolds Wrap-Up Show. Did I miss some further exploitation of Lyle-love-it's futile single? Are we trapped in the era of the slight Yankee hit that props up three heavy sponsors? There oughtta be a stat.

The last Wild Card slot is shrinking from view

Tick... tick... tick...

Everybody in baseball is thinking the same thing.

A-Rod next?

Ruth House Down

Where have you gone, Bobby Murcer, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you

He wasn't Mickey, but he was all we had. And if you know anything about APBA baseball cards, this was a pretty good year.

The Good Ship Yankee Sailed Last Night

And it is out of sight.

It will be 10 years before her mighty mast is seen again in these waters.