Sunday, July 5, 2020

Virtual Baseball: The Master Speaks! Yanks Rally, Top Jays.

A sudden, temporary emergence from his medically induced coma enabled beloved Yankees broadcaster John Sterling to deliver a strange stream-of-consciousness monologue, drawing on language from both real and fictional characters that had neurologists scrambling for some clue to his mental condition.

Whatever it was, his words, recorded and hurriedly transmitted to the Yankees clubhouse in Toronto were pored over by Ma Boone and his staff, and by starting pitcher J.A. Happ, who at the moment was trailing the Blue Jays by 3-1, after four innings of play.

The message from the jocular, oddly coiffed Yankee spieler—delivered on his 82nd birthday—seemed to inspire the Bombers' play all around.  Happ pitched his second complete game victory of the season, striking out 10 batters in all and not allowing another run.

Meanwhile, home runs by D.J. LeMahieu, Clint Frazier, and Aaron Hicks spurred a stirring comeback that gave the American side a 9-3 victory on the Fourth of July.

But the big story on the day was the sudden awakening of Sterling at the Hebrew Home for the Aged in Riverdale, which for 100 years has helped residents live the fullest lives they can.  Sterling abruptly announced, "It is high, it is far, and I really need to pee," before opening his eyes for the first time in weeks.

The Master, who was placed in a medically induced coma to deal with a rare, life-threatening, spatial judgement malady, never regained full consciousness according to doctors, only achieving the rough equivalent of Travis "Pronk" Hafner's level of cognition during an average major-league game.

But Sterling did manage to reel off an odd collection of seemingly unrelated sentiments, beginning with "Warn the Duke!" and continuing on to "Mother is the best bet and don't let Satan draw you too fast...And you were there and you were there and you were there...Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth...Here's looking at you, kid...The horror.  The horror...Tutti fruitti, good booty...And I will always love you...The best lack all conviction.  But nothing's lacking at the Hebrew Home for the Aged, in Riverdale...Steinbrenner sucks!...It is high, it is far—oh my God, it's coming this way!" before concluding with:  "Rosebud."

Sterling relapsed into his coma before anyone could ask him about what he was saying or how he felt.   Suzyn Waldman and temporary replacement legend Walt "Clyde Frazier rushed to the phone on hearing that Sterling was talking, but could make no more sense out of his words than the doctors could.

"We found them bracing," was all Ma Boone would say after the game.  "Just the fact that he was talking—" J.A. Happ started to say, before bursting into tears.

"Wait, what did he say about me?" asked Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner.


Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

I am so glad to hear John is recovering in time for July 26th!

John’s last words will be...

A boy has never wept...nor dashed a thousand kin.
You can play jacks, and girls do that with a soft ball and do tricks with it.
Oh, Oh, dog Biscuit, and when he is happy he doesn't get snappy.

HoraceClarke66 said...

You got it, Beauregard!

And I'll bite on the 26th: are your referring to Jung's birthday? Or just the Boston game?

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Oh sorry I just thought the new opening day was the 26th. I guess it’s the 23rd! But since you brought it up... what exactly do you figure J.S.’s Myers Briggs type is? I’m an ENTJ that apparently only hires INTJs.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Oh, right! Opening Day. Yeah, not gonna happen.

And wait, what's the other stuff, Pierre Gustave Toussaint?

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

It’s an obscure Broadway reference... a sly nod to our favorite announcers second love of life.

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