The Yankees have so many issues going into this off season that the GM, especially one as inept as "GM For Life", Brian Cashman, cannot get it done alone. They need to divide up the tasks and bring in specialists.
Last off season I suggested that the Yankees fire Cashman and bring in Marie Kondo the Japanese de-clutter guru to help them remove players that don’t “Spark Joy”. Sadly they did not take my advice.
Yes, they
dumped Gary Sanchez, but they immediately brought in overpriced, broken, mismatched bric- a- brac that just made it worse.
This year I would bring in Dr. Kevorkian, but I think he
took his own advice and is dead. Instead, I offer a three-part plan designed to give the team a reset.
Step One
Hal needs to bring in Sam Bankman-Fried.
The former FTX CEO can help Hal understand that, while on paper the Yankee roster looks reasonably strong, it is actually worthless.
This will soften him up for the next step.
Step Two
Hal needs to get Michael Milken out of retirement (or the federal pen if that’s where he is) to help him move some his junk assets.
The two most important ones to move are:
Josh Donaldson:
Jackie D. is owed $30 million. He supposedly is a strong defensive third baseman. Good. That will help. He is also a putz. That will not. So, while normally it would have been possible to cover half the salary in a trade, his attitude alone means we will need to pony up at least 60%. Add his haircut and we will need to push 75% to get it done.
Do it anyway.
Yes, we will still need to get
another 3rd baseman. Maybe the Angels will trade this Urshala
guy. I kid. Get a filler or, if DJ can
still walk, let him play it. Cabrera is
the utility man. IKF won a Gold Glove at third... whatever. Josh needs to go. With
the discount we should be able to get at least one or two single A guys. (-22.5M)
Aaron Hicks:
He too
is owed $30 million. A perfect change of scenery candidate. Yankee fans are
done with this guy. He seems nice. Spare
him the cascade of boos. Seems like 50% on the dollar should work. That takes
his annual salary down to $5M for any team that takes him. A bargain. We should get back some
international draft money or a low A player. (-15M over three years. Chump change.)
Step Three
The Yankees need a new trainer.
Giancarlo Stanton health has been a major issue for the team. We currently owe him $260 million. Two-hundred-and-sixty million dollars. For a part-time DH.
There is no way to soften this financial blow by trading him because no team is that stupid. Well, there's one but we're it.
Besides, even if the Yankees were to
offer to pay a percentage of Stanton’s contract, he has a no trade clause. So, it's LA or nothing. And LA isn’t going to bite. Plus, we can’t move on and get
another star because the cumulative cost is prohibitive.
It’s time to get him a personal trainer.
I suggest Kadarius Toney.
We need Kadarius to befriend Giancarlo. Take him to the
clubs. Teach him his workout routines.
How does this help?
The salary cap hit is a sunk cost. It’s big and there is nothing that can be done. But… and it’s a Kardashian sized but… much like with Jacoby Ellsbury, if Giancarlo is injured the Yankees can get the money back using insurance.
The problem is not that he’s injured too much. It’s that he’s not injured enough!
Bringing in Kadarius as his personal trainer insures Stanton will be injured year round.
How does this help the team and not just Hal? They need to bring in a top free agent Left
Fielder to take Stanton’s place. This will put them over the cap and cost them luxury
tax dollars, but it’s broken up by the year so even if the tax hit is 30% it’s
only 30% of the overage. At $40M over the cap it’s just an additional 12M.
Bupkis. The actual cost of the player is a wash. Covered by the insurance payment.
The Yankees only get in trouble if Stanton remains uninjured.
Hence, we bring in Kadarius to make sure that doesn’t happen. (-12M per year.)
Conclusion
By following this plan the Yankees have to
spend roughly an extra 39M this year and only an extra 17M a year after that
for the next three to get rid of the three major players holding them back.
It's a start.
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7 comments:
It's charming you believe Stanton actually gets hurt every year. It's certainly the party line that Big Yankee sends out. But come on. Stanton's annual summer vacation is obviously the work of Cashman and his nerds, who have algorithim-ized that Stanton's optimal effectiveness requires a lengthy mid season break. Big Yankee must have determined that a full 162 of work by Stanton would result in a much less effective ballplayer across the season, and especially in the playoffs. Staggeringly bad, I'd guess. 3-4 months of work is peak Stanton, and pretty good all things considered. More than that, it gets ugly. So, some time off in the hot months every year. Tell the rubes it's a strained this, a tweaked that. 21st century baseball.
Thanks, Doug! And time for our annual Giancarlo update!
Giancarlo with Florida/Miami:
.268/.360/.554/.914
Giancarlo with the Yankees:
.255/.340/.499/.839
In his 8 years with the Marlins, Stanton averaged 25 doubles, 1 triple, 33 home runs, and 84 RBI a year.
In his 5 years with the Yankees, Stanton has averaged 14 doubles, 0 triples, 22 home runs, and 60 RBI a year.
Sigh.
Stanton wound NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS sacrifice his balls and penis for this team, the way that dude on our soccer team did today. Oh, les braves gens…
THAT, my friends, is a hero.
And against Iran, no less.
13bit,
Don't they wear cups in soccer?
This is brilliant.
Cashman should be in the same boat as Madoff & Crypto Man. He has pissed away 2billion dollars with no positive return
AMERICAN JUSTICE: Michael Milken served a 1.5 years in prison. Oh, and he was fined half of the money that he had swindled. Are we not sheep?!
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