Predictions, predictions, "bold" predictions...

In recent days, to bring you an honest, robust and spiritually scientific evaluation of the '23 Yankees, I...  

1. Ran a season simulation with the new AIChatBot
2. Played an entire year with APBA cards
3. Licked several South American toads
4. Spent a night under a Gwyneth Paltrow vagina-scented candle
5. Astral-contacted the late Buckminster Fuller
6. Binged the entire library of Mickey Rourke movies
7. Ate 50 eggs in an hour.
8. Slept with George Will 

The result: I am exhausted. (George, you stallion!) Let the games begin!

So... write this down. Here is what will happen in 2023: 

1. Yank pitching will be a disaster. Gerrit Cole will tweak something - he's 32, going on 40 - and miss two months. That will thrust the weight of the Yankiverse onto Nasty Nestor, who will tweak something and miss two months. Clarke Schmidt and Domingo German will fill in capably, until they tweak somethings and miss two months. The bullpen will be strong, until everybody down to Tanner Tully tweaks body parts we've never heard of, and misses two months. By then, I'll have stepped on a rake, tweaked my brain and be rerunning Mickey Rourke's Angel Heart. 

I wonder: Will any pitcher EVER again throw 240 innings? Considering the wave of MLB rule changes - all to boost offense - I believe 2023 will be a colossal train wreck for pitching staffs. To compensate, they will throw harder. Beware the tweaks. 

2. Aaron Judge will hit 63 HRs, finishing second. Remember when Mark "Vitamins" McGwire broke the Ruth/Maris HR event horizon? Soon, all the HR records were not just broken: They were demolished. We still don't know how to process Sammy Sosa's totals. This will be an explosive year for hitters, and HR records will fly out windows, as balls fly out onto parking lots. Ohtani might hit 70; Harper, 60, Devers, 40, Donaldson, 30. Even Giancarlo might pile up stats, beyond exit velo. The rule changes will turn games into derbies. Good hitters will have great seasons. Imagine career years for everybody. Scary, eh? They sought to shorten the length of games. But 12-to-11 contests will still run five hours.   

3. Cashman will sit in the corner, gun shy. He must be secretly terrified of what happened last August, when his deals killed us. Had he done nothing - no Effross, no Frankie the Yankee - we'd be far better off. It's revealing that Cashman has surrounded himself with GM tribal elders, including Brian Sabean, who left the Yankees many championships ago. Like a fading slugger, he needs protection in the order.

In recent years, Cashman always made deadline deals by the bunch, building teams based on contracts as much as personnel. Last year, the roof caved in on that philosophy. I think he's privately scared. He swung and missed, swung and missed, swung and missed. Now, he can't afford another Joey Gallo. 

4. The Mets will own NYC. Perhaps, they already do. The relentless spending by owner Steve Cohen is exactly what New Yorkers love. They want want their teams - like their Broadway musicals - star-studded, larger than life and bouncing like Ethel Merman. Hal Steinbrenner, on the other hand, wants to tamp down bidding wars with his crosstown rival. (His "talks" about Judge with Cohen last winter nearly edged into collusion. The Yankees sat out the auctions of Jacob DeGrom and Brandon Nimmo, and Cohen never jumped in on Judge. That could change next year, when/if Ohtani comes on the market.) 

5. Anthony Volpe will have a long, grueling rookie season. The Yankees claim Volpe has a great competitors mentality. He'll need it. Sometime, between April and June, he will go 0-for-25, sending the Yankiverse into a barnyard frenzy. That's when we'll know what kind of mentality he's got - and whether the Yankees jumped the gun on his development. I predict he will hit a meager . 238, but get hot enough in September to give us hope. Remember: He turns 22 at the end of April. He is the future - the long haul future. 

6. The Yankees will win 100 games, finish 2nd in the AL East, and lose in the ALCS, as they always do. In other words, same as it ever was. 

Which leaves us with our "bold predictions. Here's where you stand. And if you're not in yet, you have until noon. Let's go, everybody. Time to lay down those cards. 

Name                   Wins                Judge HRs        Volpe BA

Stang                     102                        74                          .241
JM                           101                         55                          .262
Platoni                  101                         52                          .287
EL DUQUE           100                        63                          .238
Ken of Brooklyn  98                       49                         .248
Mattingly’s Mustache  97           60                          .273
Dave Murray        97                        54                          .262
Ranger_lp            96                        47                           .273
Hammer of God   96                       37                          .260
PgPick                      96                       52                         .257
Doug K                     96                       47                          .301
Jaraxle (form Dantes)  96            52                          .282
Gary Frenay          96                       55                          .277
Zachary A               95                       43                          .253
Carl J. Weitz           94                       45                          .271
Kevin                        94                       52                          .274
Vampifella             94                        18                          .225
HoraceClarke66  93                        42                          .244
Hinkey Haines     93                        44                          .272
BernBabyBern     92                         36                          .276
AboveAverage      92                        48                          .281
David Bellela        92                         x                            x
MildredLopez       91                        44                           .251
Lieber                       91                        50                           .282
Rufus T. Firefly    90                       44                           .256
RtotheE                   90                       50                           .250
Borntorun99        89                       36                           .248
Urban Farmer formerly known as Dutch fan
                                   89                        28                            .231
DickAllen               89                        54                            .241
Scottish Yankee fan   88               44                           .245
Archangel             88                         49                           .280
13bit                        86                          51                            .271
CelerinoSanchez  86                       39                           .269

If you're not on the list, add your numbers in the comments. May the best commentator win!

Oh, wait... there's one more.  Can this be real?

Alphonso              77                          47                            .289