Dear Influencers of the Yankiverse (You know who you are.) Enough with the Judge-replacement theories

Lars Nootbaar? Byron Buxton? Adley Rutschman? Your momma? That's it! Enough! We're done here! You're either stupid, or you hate America! Turn off the microphone, darling! This is over, Piggy! 

What? Huh? You're still here? Oh, I get it. You were watching the Knicks, anyway. Enough with the trade talk! Enough!

Ever since Aaron Judge went down with the bum rib - ribberty-bibberty! - the interweb has been bubbling-over with ridiculous, clickbait trade rumors, none of which make sense, aside from displaying the warped minds of people suffering from Volpe Derangement Syndrome, which has rotted our peanut-sized brains.

Listen: The last thing the Death Barge needs to do right now is trade what's left of our farm system for a two-month outfield replacement, or a rent-me veteran shortstop, or a catcher in the final throes of his contract. There is no reason to package whatever talent we have left in Scranton, or Somerset, or the back alleys of Tampa, for an OF who, come September, will simply add to the bottleneck of clogged baseball arteries. 

The Yankees have one play, one...

With Judge out, probably through mid-August, they must give Spencer Jones and Jasson Dominguez full-scale opportunities to show what they've got - even if it's nothing.

And yes, the means watching Jones attempt to hit with a stance that looks like he's taking a dump while practicing goat yoga. He's curled up and struggling like the way Clint Frazier once did, before the Yankees pulled the plug. Jones has a vicious, violent, uppercut swing, and when he does finally connect, it will be a 450-foot blast with an exit velo that causes David Cone to giggle another punk tune from the eighties, but I'm wondering if, instead of Blondie, we'll be seeing the reincarnation of Ron Kittle.  

Last night, Jones went 1-4 with three strikeouts, swinging through curve balls the way Trump goes through Diet Cokes. Fortunately, most of the Yankiverse was watching the Knicks game. And more fortunately, the Martian will soon return from his rehab in Scranton. From there, either Jones hits, or we go to Plan B: Jasson Dominguez, for at least another two weeks. 

After that, I suppose we can try Yanquiel Fernandez, a stepped-on former Rockies prospect, who has 13 HRs in Scranton, plus a cannon-arm. What we don't need is Nootbaar. Or Buxton. Or somebody that rips apart the current reality. 

Don't get me wrong. The Yankees will need bullpen lug nuts. Last night, they used an unsustainable eight pitchers to beat Cleveland. Had they not scored two runs in the 10th - if the game had, say, gone into the 11th or 12th, they would have either needed to cut into the rotation, or sent out a position player to pitch. (And they had run out of position players, as well.) You can't use eight pitchers per game.

And you can't trade the house for a two-month replacement. You hear me, Piggy? You just can't. Huh? The Knicks lost? WTF? How do I get outahere?