Iron Mike's response: "Everybody has a plan until they get hit for the first time." The quote was later digitally enhanced to, "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." Tyson ended up doing one-man, off-Broadway shows, including an HBO special directed by Spike Lee. From that lost plan, the Bard was born.
I raise this morsel of literary history not because the Yankees have yet to be punched in the choppers; the Redsocks did it two weeks ago, and the Dodgers followed suit last weekend. Right now, teams across baseball are soaking their knuckles in pee, awaiting their own shots at the Yankee unraveling.
With 100 games now under their belt, could it be time for the Yankees to launch a plan, beyond doubling-down on last year?
When you look at this team, you see a franchise that was somehow stunned by the losses of Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton, even though every Yank fan in captivity saw it coming - especially with Stanton, the closest thing in sports to a rostered retiree. The Yankees appeared shocked - shocked! - that their two sluggers would crumble, and so here we are, with Max Schuemann playing RF.
I don't wish to demean the Schuester, a fine 26th man. But right now, every series loss to another contender feels like a fist to the nuzzle nozzle, if not the groin. The Yankees seem to think Anthony Volpe, Camilo Doval, Jake Bird and Jasson Dominguez will suddenly catch fire and lead this team to some Knicks-in-Five Valhalla. With each lost series, they seem to be summoning Tyrell Biggs.
The Rays have a plan. It's quite simple. Every March, they launch a new crop of young, hungry, cheap-as-hell players, up from their farm. Every three years, give or take, they go for broke. This is one of those years.
The Redsocks have a plan. They wait in the grass, positioning themselves to catch a wave of young players. They add a couple free agents, and they survive the spring frosts. They have now won 14 straight. It's not hard to imagine them overtaking the Yankees by mid-August.
So, I humbly ask the Yankee brain trust: What's the fukking plan? Trade for another crop of bullpen disappointments. Deal away The Martian or Spencer Jones? Reopen the Strait of Hormuz? Gimme a plan, any plan. Or is it merely to reach the postseason in a shamefully lame American League, then hope to get lucky? Because the plan hasn't worked in 16 years. If that's our strategy, we're Tyrell Biggs.
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The full poem/plan went:
First we'll use Spahn
then we'll use Sain
Then an off day
followed by rain
Back will come Spahn
followed by Sain
And followed
we hope
by two days of rain.
Yeah, the plan is to just barely make the playoffs and then get booted out in the first round or two. It has worked almost every year. They've missed the playoffs, what, like twice in the sixteen years 2010-2025? Unfortunately for HAL, they actually made it to the World Series in 2024, which was both unexpected and unwanted by HAL & Co.
Return with me now to the days of yesteryear, when the Stick and Hoss and Jerry Kenney roamed the sod, and we were grateful for.500.
Try to capture that mindset, when each small achievement sent joy rushing through our veins. That's where I'm spending my mental time, reliving a different kind of Yankees fandom.
I'm thrilling to a leaping catch against the wall by "Clank" Dominguez, improbable dingers by "Spaceman" Chisholm, well-thrown if not dominant innings by "Salieri" Bednar. A rare excellent snag by "Hapless" Volpe, hysterical misplays by opponents, and valorous at-bats by "Orson" Wells.
This is where we are. It's not a horrible place, if you can wrap your brain around it. Forget the ancient championships and record-setting power displays. Revel in the meaningless but awesome season of Rice, the emergence of Chivilli, the fun failures of Doval.
Life is a bowl of ice cream-like dots and astronomically priced beer. Enjoy it.
Same old names, a familiar sight,
Hopes for October, burning bright.
But the roster stays, a quiet sigh,
No new spark, no reason why.
Across the diamond, players roam,
Not quite their spot, far from home.
A pitcher pitching where a fielder stood,
Mixing and matching, misunderstood.
The World Series dream, a distant star,
While yesterday's team, they travel far.
No grand design, no bold new play,
Just the same old game, day after day.
“… merely to reach the postseason in a shamefully lame American League, then hope to get lucky?”
Why, yes - that is the “plan”
Brin in low average palyers who have pwoer. Bring in a relief pitcher. Holsd on to all of the prospects, as Genius Cashman always does.
Brilliant, O Peerless. And just amazing that this goes on year after year after year.
Ah. phooey. I'm going to take my glove and go home.
We need a documentary on “The Making of MOTEL HELL”
The plan is to gaslight and continue to shake down the fan base for every nickel they can squeeze out.
And it's nickels instead of pennies only because they stopped making them.
Let’s do it !
It's the journey, not the destination. Yeah, let us enjoy the journey. Love your post, JM! More like that, please.
Cynical, diabolical & conspiratorial thought here: what if Boone's mismanagement during the 2024 World Series was not mere incompetence, but if he was ordered to blow it all by management? Sure would explain the incomprehensible decisions to bring Nestor Cortes into that situation, playing Rizzo at 1st base all the time. If you want to lose so bad that you intentionally make colossally stupid mistakes, does that count as "throwing" the World Series? Or is it just glossed over as mere colossal stupidity?
But do they really hope to get lucky? Or do they hope to get unlucky? That is the question.
Wait for moi! Let's take a trip to the whorehouse -ah- funhouse!
I volunteer to direct that piece. It'll be a classic!
Not from me, they ain't gettin' shit from me. I'm fresh out of nickels. Allergic to nickel.
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