For $19.99, Bobby Abreu Will Run into Your Wall

... with the McFarlane six-inch tall Bobby Abreu Action Figure!

Ever see him go back like that?

Oh, well, he's hitting tonight. We'll cut him slack.

Recommended for ages: 6 to 16

Bobby Abreu's condo is for sale: What a dump!

TRUTH: He wants $7.9 million for this two-bedroom midtown luxo-crib.

Check out the head.

You think he folds the towels that way?

And here's the poon sack.

Notice how clean the walls are. That's because Bobby never runs into them.

In Tampa, Yank Gammonites breaking big scoops from 2007

Want to know what's going on at Girardi Gitmo North? Freeze your head and program the microwave for THAW in February 2010.

Around that time, the writers will be telling us what really happened today.

For now, we're finally learning about the lazy, larded, dour and depressed shamblers that showed up last year, ready take a knee through April and May.

Bobby "Sweet as Candy" Abreu is vowing to delete 2007 from memory (and arbitration hearing records), saying he phoned himself in last spring, sweating through his bags like a White Castle cheeseburger and two orders of Biggie Fries. Not to worry, though. Bobby learned his lesson. He's given up Shamrock Shakes, taken up crunches. This year, he won't hit the wall, (figuratively and -- as we also know -- literally.)

Then there's Johnny Damon -- running mate with Rudy G and stablemate to Sports Girlustrated's butt-slapping-good Stallion. He's ready to play... unlike last year, when the former savior brought love-handles and thoughts of retirement to work.

Let's not forget Jason Giambi, who has reported “reportedly” in great shape. Guess the key word there. If you said "reportedly," you win. Giambi will reportedly play first base. In Guatamala, the New England Patriots are reportedly 19-0.

Finally, the Gray Lady, having published its 10-year-old thumbsucker on John McCain's lost lust for a lady lobbiest, reports that young Joba Chamberlain is more fun than a barrel of Mussinas, bringing 99-mile-an-hour mirth “to enliven what for years had been one of baseball’s most dour clubhouses.”

Huh? Dour? Wait a minute. Wasn't Joe Torre warm and fuzzy? Didn't Donnie Baseball regularly pass out the onion gum and fool Zim with the black-eye binoculars? Dour?

Now they tell us? We could have signed Carrot Top.

Yeesh. This is like reading 2003 coverage of the war. We go in looking for WMD. A year later, we learn it was all about HGH.