A Serious Word About A Grave Menace

I don't care for Billy Crystal. He's not funny. He owns the Diamondbacks. And his public "friendships" with the Yankees actually manage to make him--a movie star, for Christ's sake--look like a desperate social climber.

But when I hear people say that the Billy Crystal "signing" makes "a mockery of spring training," I want to get a VHS of My Giant, pull the tape out of the cassette, wrap it around my body and walk like The Mummy down the Canyon Of Heroes. I want to start a Billy Crystal Fan Club and project our logo onto the moon. I want to, God help me, sit through My Giant!

The mockery-haters have already ruined the All Star Game--why does everything everywhere have to "count?"--and now they're aiming their Solemnity Guns at Spring Training. Sorry, they're not just aiming; they've already fired, twice. 1) All baserunners must play hard enough to send budding catchers into surgery. 2) No publicity stunts must ever tarnish the "actual" games.

What "actual" games?? These aren't "actual" games! Don't turn them into "actual" games like you did to the stupid All-Star Game!

Who are these people? Dick Cheney? Dean Wormer from Animal House? Are we going to let them ruin Spring Training like they ruin every other damn thing in this world?