This will be the last column I write about the Arizona Diamondbacks in the foreseeable future. For me, they do not exist. They will continue to not exist in my mind as long as the horribly named “Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act” remains law in Arizona. This law has brought echoes of apartheid to the state.
To: IT IS HIGH writers
From: Marketing Department
Re: Headline writing
Please examine the list of headlines below from one of our favorite sites, www.sportspyder.com. Notice anything odd?
You writers have completely missed the biggest story of the day! Let's get with it, folks. Be original on your own time! When you're here, you're expected to help the cause. Now, will somebody please write a "mahvelous" story for our readers?
I don't care for Billy Crystal. He's not funny. He owns the Diamondbacks. And his public "friendships" with the Yankees actually manage to make him--a movie star, for Christ's sake--look like a desperate social climber.
But when I hear people say that the Billy Crystal "signing" makes "a mockery of spring training," I want to get a VHS of My Giant, pull the tape out of the cassette, wrap it around my body and walk like The Mummy down the Canyon Of Heroes. I want to start a Billy Crystal Fan Club and project our logo onto the moon. I want to, God help me, sit through My Giant!
The mockery-haters have already ruined the All Star Game--why does everything everywhere have to "count?"--and now they're aiming their Solemnity Guns at Spring Training. Sorry, they're not just aiming; they've already fired, twice. 1) All baserunners must play hard enough to send budding catchers into surgery. 2) No publicity stunts must ever tarnish the "actual" games.
What "actual" games?? These aren't "actual" games! Don't turn them into "actual" games like you did to the stupid All-Star Game!
Who are these people? Dick Cheney? Dean Wormer from Animal House? Are we going to let them ruin Spring Training like they ruin every other damn thing in this world?
Billy Crystal's 1-day contract offers the perfect opportunity to remember other 1-day contracts in Yankee history.
In 1994, Abe Vigoda celebrated his 73rd birthday by signing a 1-day deal with the Yanks.
He played shortstop in a split-squad spring training game against the Twins -- going 3-4 with 2 doubles and a stolen base.
Vigoda also excelled with the glove.
After chasing down a slow-rolling bouncer in the left field grass far behind third base, he famously threw out Dave Winfield from his knees in a play that left Scooter saying "Wait! I think he got him -- Mattingly's stretch! Yes, he got him! HOLY COW!"
Unlike Crystal, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig did not support Vigoda's signing -- calling it "a regrettable decision."
When asked why he did not support the Vigoda signing, Selig said "if anyone from 'Barney Miller' gets to be a Yankee -- and that's show I love, by the way -- it should have been 'Wojo.' I loved that guy."
Despite calls for the team to sign him to a long-term deal, Vigoda's Yankee career started and ended in that one-game tilt against the Twins.
Who knows what Vigoda might have done had he been given a real shot at the bigs?
(Ed. note: Mike Gallego batted .239 in 89 games at short, and journeyman infielder Kevin Elster hit .000 in 20 ABs in that strike-shortened season.)
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