Outbreak: NYC finds 25 cases of the dreaded Stein Flu

The heirborn virus attacks young and middle-aged male athletes, causing their bats to shrivel and their arms to fall off.

Yankee fans should be wary of attending games or even watching on television.

If you are infected by the dreaded Stein flu virus, all the money in the world cannot help.

Symptoms:

Bat .100 with runners in scoring position.

Face breaks out in painful blue pinstripes.

Nagging injuries that do not heal.

Spouse leaves you.

Personal trainer accuses you of juicing.

Fourth place, behind Baltimore.

Cure:

Death

Yanks waiting for ARod, heart and soul of team, to return

Soon he will be back, and we will begin to make beautiful music again.

In the meantime, how 'bout them Scranton Yankees!

Yankee Redsock Of The Future

Florida High School Senior to Try for Fifth Consecutive No-Hitter

Burn Down the Yankees

We must cast out the evil -- with fire.

You Know What's Fun, I Just Found Out? Rooting For The Tigers

Not that I'm angry or anything.

The End is Near

"It’s over. Yes, Yogi did say, “it ain’t over ‘til it’s over,” but it’s over. The legacy of the New York Yankees is dead" -Me, 5:37 pm, 4/20/2009

I don't want to say "I told ya so," but "I told ya so."

It's too early to be this late

How did it happen?

We are not just 9 and 9.

We are demoralized and homeless.

Yes, homeless. Yankee Stadium is gone.

How did we get to be owned by the Redsocks?

When did that seismic shift occur, the moment we shifted places: They became predator and we became prey?

Because we are patsies. Every lead feels temporary. You see it in our faces. It's as if we know Boston will win.

When did it happen?

Ahh, how I love the taste of gun metal in the morning!

Is it possible we spent $200 million to be worse than last year?

Could we have spent $2 billion on a park and diminished the game experience?

Are we still on the way down?

Historically, the Yankees have always been a barometer of America.

Let this be remembered:

On the weekend of the Boston Reverse Massacre, swine flu exploded.

Once it's pandemic, those empty seats are going to be all over the place.

We are so screwed.

Nine Options for the Yankees

1. Fire Girardi.

2. Sign Pedro Martinez.

3. Dump stars and plan for next year.

4. Mussina?

5. Bring up Jesus Montero.

6. Spout gibberish about team awaiting Arod.

7. Lower ticket prices.

8. Trade prospects for Randy Johnson.

9. Drink.

It's only a movie. It's only a movie. It's only a movie.

Authorities Fear Yankee Bullpen Could Spread

Time for a lockdown.

NFW

I'm out here in the damn desert and I heard about the Yankee embarassment in Boston.

A six run lead with our best pitcher on the mound.

NFW !!!

This team is garbage. It has no relief pitching now except MO.

I should have known Bruney would get hurt. And mark my words; 15 days won't be enough.

NFW ???

Today, I vote that the Yankees play in their jock straps. Forget the damn pinstripes.

Get swept up there. Get leaked upon. Just humiliate yourselves like school kids who wet themselves in class. Ooops, that's what they did yesterday.

This team sucks.

We need to spend another $400 million in order to have any shot at third place.

NFW!!!???

For those of you who don't speak my native tongue, N=Now; W=What.

NFW.

Are You Kidding Me? With Humberto gone, we traded Sheffield for Claggett.

Obscured by yesterday's nightmare in Boston was this tidbit:

We released 25-year-old former superprospect Humberto Sanchez, lynchpin of the 2006 trade in which we peddled Gary Sheffield to the Tigers.

We waived Humberto.

Thus, for Gary Sheffield -- who never hit less than .290 for us -- we received... uhmn, let's see now... Anthony Clagget. Straight up.

Sheff for Clagg.

(For whatever it's worth, the third pitcher, Kevin Whelan, is somewhere in the system, on target to throw two strikes in a row once every full moon.)

Here's another thought: After trading Sheffield, our offense broke down in 2007. We could have used the 25 HRs he hit for Detroit. But we soldiered on, dreaming of our rewards -- that magical day when Humberto recovered from Tommy John and became The Ace.

Yep. We traded for Humberto on Nov. 10, 2006. He barely threw a pitch the next spring, then underwent surgery. How much did the Tigers know? Better question: How little did we?

They picked our pockets.

This sucks.

This sucks even more than trading Ramon Ramirez for Shawn Chacon. This sucks even more than signing Kei Igawa. This sucks even more than letting Damaso Marte out the door in 2001 for Enrique Wilson, then trading to get him back after he's pitched himself into Palookaville.

In the 1980s, we fell into a deep decline, because our scouts were always on the outside looking in. We traded for Dale Murray, we signed Bob Shirley and Ed Whitson, even though people throughout baseball saw the mistakes. It was only until we got Bob Watson -- a solid baseball man -- in the organization that we started making the right moves.

Now, who is judging talent for us? Reggie Jackson? Dear God...

Writers tout the "legendary" pitching guru known as Nardi Contreras.

Anybody want to start listing his success stories?

Writers quote scouts anonymously, do backflips for interviews. In those Q&As, do they ever question the scout's track record? (Answer: Not if they want another Q&A.)

At the end of the day, the Steinbrenners write out the checks, and the Cashmans read the reports. But if the reports are garbage...?

Sheff for Clagg.

Imagine that.

Sheff for Clagg.

Letter to the Editor

Edmonton Sun (Alberta)
April 23, 2009

Dear Editor,

Here are 10 reasons the New York Yankees left their old ball park for the new Yankee Stadium.

10) The curse of the Bambino was reversed so the old stadium was no darn good anymore;

9) George Costanza was seen streaking too many times in Monument Park;

8) Too many queries from Costanza for his own monument;

7) Steroids and paraphernalia were found buried under the
pitcher's mound, first base and third base;

6) Jimmy Hoffa was found buried in Monument Park;

5) The rats were bigger than Jorge Posada's nose;

4) Unsanitary conditions for the animals in the Bronx Zoo;

3) Madonna said to A-Rod, "If Babe Ruth built his own house, why can't you?";

2) The Steinbrenners wanted a better acoustical stadium for Sinatra's "New York, New York."

1. Zillions of fans wanted to know what it would be like to sit in $2,500 seats.

PHIL REIMER

To Make a Bad Day Worse, Now I Learn that Maude is Dead

This sure caps the AJ Burnett debacle.

Did I dream it, or weren't we supposed to have a good bullpen this year?

Was it an acid flashback?

Why is it that I distinctly recall the wizards telling us the Yankee bullpen would be loaded this year?

Were they lying to us?

Did they not know?

How did it get to feel so late, so early?

Pete Abe tops Pete Abe in Pete Abe Quote of the Day

The Writing Wizard of White Plains one-upped himself today, out pacing even Robbie Cano, who has all but demolished the Redsocks by himself today.

As posted by His Whiteness at 4:27, Abe had already cranked one out of the park today with his backhanded written pimp slapping of Tim 'McPoophand' McCarver.

Now, he's doled out a blog beating to The Elf...

UPDATE, 7:09 p.m.: The little elf kicks one, two runs score and the Yankees lead. Not to pat myself on the back (well, screw it, i will), but I did predict they’d come back at 6:13 p.m.

Not only has the Blogfather scored two Pete Abe QOTD's in the same post, but he also managed to piss off an entire legion of Jets fans:

"We at the LoHud Yankees Blog would like to welcome Mark Sanchez to the Jets. You seem like a nice young man. But here’s hoping Richard Seymour and Vince Wilfork snap you in half on Sept. 20."

Pete Abe Quote of the Day

Wisdom continues to flow from the Lower Hudson's Quipmaster General:

UPDATE, 3:50 p.m.: If you remember nothing else from this blog remember this: Never shake hands with Tim McCarver if you see him coming out of a bathroom. That’s all I’m going to say. Just don’t.

Drudge Flu: Catch It

Getting scared...


Matt Drudge has.

(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Lupica Stays Up Really Late to Write Mo's Obit

"Hit him as hard as anybody ever has."