Sunday, September 30, 2007

Next Year's Yankee Third Base Coach Revealed

Mets Crack Top 10 of History's Greatest All-Time Chokes

1. Spanish Armada, flubbed battle v. English.... 1588

2. Napoleon at Waterloo, blew big lead... 1815

3. Goliath v. David, big man should've gone inside.... date uncertain

4. Mayans, lost incredible upset to Cortez... 1521

5. NEW YORK METS, collapse... 2007

6. Peter Best, drummed way out of Beatles... 1959

7. Jewish Multitudes, chose Barabbas over JC... 33 AD

8. George W. Bush, flew over New Orleans to see floaters... 2005

9. Larry Craig, guilty plea on bathroom stall humjob... 2007

10. Mama Cass, didn't chew sandwich... 1974

It's over for the Mets

Will this end those shouts that David Wright is the best 3B in New York?

YANKEEXCLUSIVE: Roger's Pitching Strategy Against Cleveland (Ohio) Indians

From the Rocket's own diary...

Sizemore: "... dangerous hitter... must throw inside... may need to throw at head..."
Cabrera: "... beware... must be moved off plate... throw at upper shoulders, neck, jawline..."
Hafner: "... first pitch at head... second pitch, ear..."
Martinez: "... needs to 'learn'... seek crack of skull.. "
Garko: "... should explode like watermelon..."
Lofton: "... below earflap of helmet... throat exposed... so pieces of medulla oblongatta land in on-deck circle..."
Blake: "... see notes on Mike Piazza..."
Gutierrez: "... stay outside... if looking comfortable, must die... "

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Things to do in Cleveland

1 . Spot celebrities

2. Say hello to 2004 Presidential election voters, still standing in line

3. Throw lit match into Cuyahoga River.

4. Talk trash about Pittsburgh.

5. See live presentation of "Cats."

6. Oogle all the pretty girls.

7. Treat yourself to famous Ohio cuisine.

8. Visit the Cuyahoga County seat.

Big Papi Doesn't Need Anyone

The lonely celebration.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Chuckling through the Apocalypse

Why is the horrible tragedy in Burma ripe for horrible American comedy?

1. Hollywood's portrayal of the situation was a movie titled, "Bulletproof Monk."

2. "Burma Shave."

3. The government shut down all media. That means guys are twisting knobs and yelling, "Come in, Rangoon!"

Excerpts from The Bill O'Reilly Baseball Abstract

"I went into the Mets clubhouse after last night's game, escorted by my good friend Pepe Somethinorother, and the Latinos were showering, just like white guys, and you wouldn't even know they were Spanish, unless you gave a listen. I mean, nobody was dancing or flashing their blades. They were just like you and me, except that when they talk, they said, "Habla, habla, habla." It's amazing."
"Had a chance to sit down with the Red Sox Japanese superstar, Dice-K. Nobody knows his real name, but that's OK, he likes it that way. I gave him hand-gestures, and he smiled. And you know what? I completely trust him. He's not going to do a Pearl Harbor thing on me. I'd let him drive my car. He's a nice guy. It was great."
"Who is going to win the World Series? The Yankees, and I'll tell you why: Derek Jeter. Is he white or black? Nobody knows. And nobody cares. He's got the mixed blood. And next to him is Arod. Is he Latino or white? See what I mean? And they're just like Al Sharpton and me. Sure, we rib each other, but he's never called me a motherfucker. We're best of pals."

The Amazin' Mets Are Making an Amazin' Run!

Get up and CHEER for New York's Amazin' other team.

Over an Amazin' two weeks, thanks to Amazin' Pedro and Mini-Me, they've cut an Amazin' seven-game lead into an Amazin' tie for first with the Philadelphia Eagles, or Fliers, or 76ers, whatever. What an Amazin' time to be an Amazin' fan, especially considerin' Carlos Beltran's Amazin' grace.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Destiny USA

Suck it, haters. Suck it, doubters. Deal with us now, freaks.


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Worrying about the team

Yanks Set Bruney Rules

Worried about overtaxing the franchise's crown jewel, the Yank braintrust has set tight restrictions on use of pitcher Brian Bruney.

They are:

1. After throwing more than five (5) pitches in an outing, Bruney must rest for at least one (1) year.

2. After throwing more than two (2) innings... oh, hell, there's no chance of that.

3. After using rest room, Bruney must wash hands before handling food.

4. When chasing women with teammates, Bruney must take the hog.

5. Traveling between cities, Bruney must ride outside plane.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Insider Yankee Wonk Crunch

Who is the MVP?

Check our won-loss records when these guys played

Joba Chamberlain....14-2.. .888
Mariano Rivera.... 53-12.. .815
Chien Ming Wang.... 20-9.. .689
Andy Phillips.... 37-24.. .606
Shelly Duncan.... 18-12.. .600
Melky Cabrera.... 85-60.. .586
Alex Rodriguez.... 89-65.. .579
Derek Jeter..... 88-64.. .578
Robinson Cano.... 89-66.. .574

We Interrupt Our Yankees Coverage To Bring You This Special Bulletin

Craig Biggio's career ends this week. Presumably, so does the best sports blog ever, maybe even the best one possible: Plunk Biggio.

Dedicated to Craig Biggio and his (probably unintentional) Quest to break the all time major league career record for getting hit by pitches.
The record would be nice, but author pbr's hopes are starting to look as bruised as Biggio's bicep. The assailable Astro has been stalled at 285, two behind Hughie Jennings' record, since July 7th.

That the possibility excites pbr at all is funny.* Funnier still is his super-obsessive study of Biggio's career as a target. This is how he gets:
Biggio has been hit by a pitch by someone born in nearly every calendar year between 1953 and 1984 - missing only 1954, 1959, and 1961. The oldest pitchers currently in the league are Roger Clemens and Jamie Moyer, and they were both born in '62. There hasn't been a pitcher in the league born before '62 since John Franco retired after the '05 season. Yovani Gallardo missed his chance last night to become the only pitcher born in 1986 ever to plunk Biggio, but Biggio could still get hit by Jose Ascanio of the Braves, who was born in 1985.

Craig Biggio has also been hit by pitchers wearing 53 different uniform numbers, but there are 5 pitchers on the rosters of the teams left on the Astros schedule who wear numbers not on that list. Biggio has already been plunked by pitchers wearing numbers 14 to 19, 21 to 23, 25 to 62, 66, 67, 69, 71, 75 and 99. Carlos Villenueva wears #12 for the Brewers but he won't pitch against the Astros (barring a really long game in which he'd be forced into a relief appears). The Brewers also have Seth McClung though, wearing #73. The Cardinals have a #63 in Andy Cavazos, and the Reds have #81 Eddie Guardado and #64 Tom Shearn.

Also, Biggio has only been plunked by pitchers born in 37 of the 50 US States...
And on he goes, as he has done in post after post since April, 2005.
*Although he denies it in this standing footer:
Moral disclaimer: The author of this blog does not support or endorse intentionally throwing at Craig Biggio.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Kei Igawa, Flying Monkey

As tradition, the rookies must wear costumes after the final homestand.

So the Yankees buy Wizard of Oz characters.

Igawa is a flying monkey.

A $40 million dollar flying monkey.

Yankeetorial: At the Crossroads of Heaven and Hell

This could be history's greatest season of Yankee Vengeance.

Or its most painful...

We can avenge those who so smilingly befouled us, if...

First round: We beat California.
Second round: We beat Boston.
Third round. We beat Arizona.


First round: We lose to California.
Second round: We watch Boston and Mets advance.
Third round: We kill ourselves...


Manny In a Red Dress at Dawn

By T. Francona

He said he had
A better day.
He seems real upbeat,
But not ready to play.


Revised and Updated Joba Rules

You can't leave a bag of cocaine on the bar and expect it to go unused.

Thus, Joe Torre has one week to snort the best young arm in the Yankee system... or at least suck up a sizeable chunk... just in time for the playoffs.

The old rules, which said Joba Chamberlain had to sit one day for each inning pitched, ended Sunday. Thus, the new Joba Rules...

1. No entering game more than once. If removed from game, cannot return.

2. Pitch count is critical. Therefore, someone shall count every pitch.

3. If arm hurts, file complaints to Tanyon Sturtze.

4. "Quick! Warm up Scot Proc- I MEAN JOBA!"

5. Start touting the restorative life-benefits of Tommy John surgery. (Really! It's great! You come back stronger than ever!)

6. As long as we might win today's game, just throw. Hard.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

"That's MR. Rodriguez To You, Piniella."

New York Magazine reported on Sunday that the Yankees third baseman could end up with the Chicago Cubs next season with a blockbuster contract that includes an ownership stake in the team.
Report: A-Rod Could Become Player/Owner With Cubs

Update: It would be against MLB rules, apparently, unless they defer A-Rod's stake until after he retires. Plus, A-Rod says it isn't true, and so does his agent, Scott Boras. And if you can't believe every word out of an agent's mouth, then what good is anything?

Redsocks Clinch; Fans Jubilant

If the season ended now, Boston would play the Angels in the first round.

Congrats to all!

Terry Snippy

No new Ode to Manny from Boston manager Terry Francona yesterday.

The only comment: "Still on hold."

Maybe Terry should starting composing about Youkilis.

Without Yook, whose head do we throw at?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Today's Yankee Call To The Bullpen Brought To You By...

What If MoveOn.Org Made Attack Ads Against the Yankees?




Watching the Long Hard Loss

Magically, we rally for four in the ninth.
We seem destined to win. And then...
Metaphor for the season?

Friday, September 21, 2007

Baseball America Names Jesus Number 2

The stool-sampler brigade rates 17-year-old catcher Jesus Montero the No. 2 prospect in the Gulf Coast League... this despite missing three weeks with a bum ankle, throwing out only quadroplegic baserunners and looking like an unbuttered Thanksgiving dumpling.

Don't know the No. 1 prospect. But Baseball America will get some calls if he's named Allah.

T. Francona Verse of the Day

Manny Redux

He's just not ready to play.
His work ethic has been very good.
I know

That over the course of the years,
There have been some hiccups with him.
I know.

T. Francona 9.20.07

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Scotched on WTC Photo-Op, Zany Irani Prez Mulling Alt Site

NEW YORK (AP) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asked permission to lay a wreath at the World Trade Center site when he comes to New York City next week, but the request was denied, a police official said Wednesday.

Instead, officials are suggesting an alternative memorial site.



I spent some time talking with Manny.
He went out and ran.
He feels it.
If I could push a button and make it go away,
I would.

He kind of said the same thing.
It's not gone away.
He's dying to play.
He's working hard.
He says it's not there.

- T. Francona 9.19.07

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


Both of these dominant AL East closers pitched with the bases loaded last night.

Which one gave up the grand slam?


Just one.

Redsock Nation Remaining Calm

Just another loss. Nothing to worry about.

"Those things are going to happen at some point. You don't want those to happen now, so we have to find a way to get it done. These guys we've been putting out there in those situations, I'll keep having them out there. We just need to keep going."
Jason Varitek, 9.18.07

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


I'm just sayin'.


Update: Time to reopen the "Who Will Win The AL East?" poll. Vote in sidebar.

"Let Manny Be Manny:" The Long Version

"He needs to clear himself. The medical people have gotten fairly aggressive. He's swinging the bat fairly aggressive. But there has to be, I don't know about assurance -- peace of mind's probably not the right word -- but a confidence from himself that he can go play the game and not hurt himself. And that's a hard thing. Myself included. You see him go hit the ball out on the street, you go, 'Oh man.' But you can really make some disastrous mistakes trying to read somebody else's body. It doesn't work."

Terri Francona, 9.17.07

Monday, September 17, 2007

Red Sock Captain Happy With Loss

From Jason Varitek... after Sunday's loss...

"We keep playing like this, we'll be OK."

Seven of Nine

Since June, we have won 7 of 9 against the Redsocks.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Yankeetorial: We need the Tigers to Win

Wild Cards have won three of last five World Champions.

Why? The Wild Card has a great advantage: It must play its best ball going into the playoffs.

We have a thin lead over Detroit. Let's hope they keep winning... to the final game.

Why? Because we can't roll over Baltimore, Tampa Bay and Toronto, the hell with us.

Let Boston, LA and Cleveland luxuriate. The Wild Card will be hungry and hard.

For the Yankees to be that way, the Tigers must keep winning.

Go Curtis Granderson!

Shelly Duncan's Autograph Saddens Child

Story, via River Ave. Blues



X-Rays Negative for Posada

How about a "clean" double-play breakup slide today for Dustin Pedroia?

And how does Josh Beckett obviously hit Giambi and not get thrown out of the game, as Roger Clemens and Joba Chamberlain were?

And why do Sean Henn, Ron Villone, et al -- pitchers who would bless us with a two-game suspension -- not put a dink into Big Pappy, when he's wailing on us with an 8-run lead?


Saturday, September 15, 2007

Next: Clemens Vs. Schilling


Earth magnetic field disrupted.
Moon to explode.
Condoleezza Rice has yeast infection.
Dolphins issue astral message...
"Four losses down.
"Sixteen to play.
"Wang to the mound.
"Big game today."

Friday, September 14, 2007

Five Little Pitches: The Chris Britton Bedtime Nursery Rhyme

This little pitchy was a single.

This little pitchy was low.

This little pitchy stole second.

This little pitchy was high.

And this little pitchy lost the ballgame, driving the runner home.

Here's an Evil Poll for you Superfrankenstein

What can Yankee reliever Chris Britton polish off more quickly?

a) Lunch buffet

b) Seven-game winning streak.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Great Britton

Tony Blair would be proud.

Mel Hall's Entrance Music

- Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon

- Come Back When You Grow Up, Girl

- Young Girl (Get Out Of My Mind)

- Love Is A Crime

- And The Cradle Will Rock

- P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)

- Ooh Child

Michael Kay To Report From Boston

NEW YORK (AP) — Michael Kay plans to leave Thursday for an ambitious reporting trip to Boston — the YES anchor's first trip to the war zone since early June — in anticipation of a crucial development on progress of the Yankees effort.

Kay will anchor the games from Boston Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

YES would not reveal many specifics of his plans in advance because of competitive and safety concerns. The trip, in the works for six weeks, anticipates the late-season Yankees surge that is expected in the last two weeks of September.

"You can't help but get a very detached perspective when you're not there and you're not witnessing things firsthand," Kay told The Associated Press on Tuesday. "I'm curious about very basic questions regarding living conditions, about how much fear there is in the street, about how the players really are doing."

Kay and his traveling partner, WFAN correspondent Sweeny Murti, were fitted with 30-pound body armor vests in Brian Cashman's office on Tuesday. Both needed to send theirs back to add extra protection to the sides.

"Obviously, safety is a concern," said Kay, 46, who had suggested last year that being the last of his bloodline might make him think twice about such trips. "I'm not being cavalier about it. I think I feel comfortable with the measures that are being taken."

Mel Hall, the Cougar Yankee, in Trouble

A generation of Yankee fans grew up loving the mood-swinging antics of slugging RF Mel Hall, the pride of Port Byron, NY.

He kept pet cougars.
He dared tell Yankee legend Stump Merrill how to manage.

And in Joel Sherman's book, "Birth of a Dynasty: Behind the Pinstripes with the 1996 Yankees," Mel proved himself a great mentor to the young Bernie Williams:

["Hall taped "Mr. Zero" to the top of Williams's locker to signify that he meant nothing to the team. One day Hall nearly brought Williams to tears by saying, "Zero, shut up," every time Williams tried to
speak. The more Williams tried, the louder Hall interrupted with repetitive chants of "Zero." "]

Now the latest from the Master: Mel just got indicted for having sexual relations with girls aged 12 and 14!


The Man from Mensa

Nobody out-thinks Mike Mussina. And for any Yankee fan out there who secretly hoped Toronto will beat us 33-2 last night, thereby ending Moose's chance to implode in Game III of the playoffs, well, forgetaboutit.

Last night, he came back, unveiling his new "out" strategy: the line-drive doubleplay.

Bet the house on Game III, folks. You'll never get a better shot on a 10-run spread.

But hey, was there ever a smarter Yankee than the Man from Stamford? Last night, following his masterpiece 5.2 inning outing, Moose gurgled some Bartlett's...

“We’ve got to keep winning ballgames.”

"There has to be a reason I got those ground balls today because I’m not a ground-ball pitcher.

“We can’t afford to send somebody out there who’s going to give up six or seven runs in the first three innings.”

Come October, the Yankees won't even have to heat the locker room. The warmth from Moose's brain should be all they need.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Are Thompson & McCain Juicing?

Maybe it's not the Cream or the Clear. I'm betting something in tablet form keeps the future First Wives happy under the Big Tent.