Is My Name On That List?

I read today in the local bar sheet that A-Rod has admitted to using testosterone and primobolan....which I simply call, "primo."

After a few eye openers at the Cantina, I sent an email to the Senate committee on banned substances, and asked for access to "the baseball list" through the freedom of Information Act.

Why, you might ask, would I be concerned, given my current status as a non-baseball playing professional?

Very simply, A-Rod and I share a similar characteristic: we both feel "an enormous amount of pressure to perform at a high level," pretty much every day. So the testosterone bit really appealed to me.

It is also remotely possible that, unknowingly, I used banned substances during the 2001-2003 seasons, and that the Washington D.C. authorities have their phone taps and other methodologies focused on my whereabouts and activities.

Of course, I never used such products north of the Rio Grande River.

In addition, it is rumored that we have certain " banned substance" rituals when we gather together the owners, players, umpires, fans and local cattle breeders at the start of each Independent Dirt Field League season down here in South Mexico.

I am hopeful that those sustances banned by Bud Selig are different from those we don't ban down here. Or do. Or both or neither.

But I do fear we could be getting some special attention from the authorities this pre-season because the Independent Dirt Field League is offering work outs, lodging, refreshments, internecine games and other amenities to several currently, "looking for work," MLB ballplayers.

So far, I have commitments from; Pedro Martiniez, Manny, Adam Dunn, Bobby Abreu, Ben Sheets, Braden Looper, Pudge, and Darrell Rasner. According to my sources, a total of approximately 103 MLB players are chartering a bus and heading down for workouts.

We get a piece of any player contract signed to a MLB team, assuming that said player's urine is as clean as Jessica Simpson's.

We'll use the money to buy limes for the basepaths.

So, I need to know who else is on that list?