More Christmas Cards from Stubby

To Ian Kennedy:

Jacoby Ellsbury to be inducted into 2008 Hall of Fame

Cooperstown _ Rather than wait 20 years, the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame Veterans Committee Friday elected future Red Sox superstar Jacoby Ellsbury into the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame.

“We saw no reason to delay the inevitable," committee chairman Peter Gammons explained. "This way, even if Jacoby gets traded to Minnesota, he can still go in wearing a Redsock cap."

Jacoby stunned the world and earned raves from scouts with the season of a lifetime at Triple A Pawtucket, where the centerfielder in 2007 batted .298 with 2 homeruns and a whopping 28 runs batted in!

"With numbers like that, you couldn't keep him out,” said Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, who also announced that Ellsbury will receive the AL Most Valuable Player Awards for 2010 and 2011. "Basically, when it comes down to him against Barry Bonds, we'll take the handsome Boston whitey any time."

Elsewhere, the Nobel Prize committee was said to be deadlocked as to whether Ellsbury would receive the 2008 Prize for Literature or for Physics.

YANKEEOCRACY: Hizzoner Beating Hillary By Near-5:1 Margin in Battle For Yankee Campaign Cash

RUDY: $10,900 in Yankee/YES cash

HILLARY: $2,300 in Yankee/YES cash

Stubby Steinbrenner has yet to reach for his wallet in this race, but dad is a Giuliani man.

We suspect Rudy's October Fling with the Red Socks -- or the ongoing Santana courtship -- may cost him a check from Stubby in the future.

Twins Put Johan Santana Up on eBay

ITEM: Pitcher

DESCRIPTION: Used, 74,000 miles on odometer

USAGE: Every 5th day, until battery runs out

CURRENT LEAD BID: NY -- Entire future, plus $250 M.
BIDDING HISTORY:
BOS: Coco Crisp, really big bucket of balls
NY: Kennedy, Cabrera, Tabata
BOS: Coco Crisp, bigger bucket of balls
NY: Kennedy, Cabrera
BOS: Coco Crisp, bucket of balls

HOURS LEFT TO BID: Whenever

HANDLING COSTS: $250 million

CURRENT HIGH BIDDER: stubby@mensa.com

Christmas Cards from Stubby

To Brian Cashman:

Signature Home Run Call: Dick Cheney

"Swing and a miss, strike three, and the side is retired."

Stubby Loses First Free Agent Gem: Jennifer Love Hewitt Chooses Guy From Band of Brothers

Just days after Stubby tapped Jennifer Love Hewitt as his favorite actress, we learn that she's spurned his advances for the Scottish guy from Band of Brothers.

Can Johan Santana salve this wound?

When the Answers are Questions

Q: Will the Yankees trade for Johan Santana?

A: Does the crackhead seek to refill his pipe?

Q: Don't they respect their youth?

A: Would you respect youth if your son grew up to be Stubby Steinbrenner?

Q: Considering the money this guy wants, won’t we end up with another A-Rod?

A: If your only talent in life were writing checks, wouldn’t you want to show it off?

Q: Why are we seeing so many quotes from Stubby?

A: If you went through life being ignored, wouldn’t you take phone calls from syncopaths?

Q: Are we in trouble with this nepotistic arrangement?

A: Have you ever heard of George W. Bush?

StubbyFacts

StubbyFact # 4

Stubby's second-favorite actor is Willie Aames.

Happy Birthday Jesus

Jesus Montero is 18!

Way to go, Jeez! Keep developing, and maybe someday you can be packaged for a washed-up has-been!

Writer's Strike Not Bothering Stubby

Hank Steinbrenner, the Bard of the Backpage, in today's papers:
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Newsday: "We can't mortgage the rest of the future."

Times: “Injuries are a reality of the game. It’s an X factor.”

Times: "The length of a contract and how much you pay a pitcher. Those are questions you have to answer.”

North Jersey: "You can't let the money stop you."

North Jersey: "Everything's pretty preliminary."

MUSHARRAF'S ESSENCE de' MOCRACY

By Correspondent Mons Meg
Special to IT IS HIGH...
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"I have actually introduced the essence of democracy in Pakistan." - President/General Pervez Musharraf
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Other Scents Inspired by the Master

Fleur de Sacked Supreme Court
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Eau de House Arrest
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Obfuscation! by Pervez
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C'est la Bhutto
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L'Air du Temporary Government
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Fantasie Generale
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Taliban No. 5

Special Report

US ECONOMY STRENGTHENS DUE TO BLACK FRIDAY, BLACK SATURDAY, BLACK SABBATH

By Correspondent Mons Meg (right)

Special to IT IS HIGH...

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Retail sales reports are in and key industries are reporting that Thanksgiving weekend brought good news in the form of rising economic indicators:

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Black Friday: sales reached $10.3 billion

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Black Saturday: combined Friday/Saturday retail sales 7.2% better than 2006

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Black Sabbath: despite sales of more than 1,000,000 units each for five other albums, "Paranoid" remains Black Sabbath's largest money-maker and sales are still strong

Cry from Alphonso: I AM BURNING IN HELL

Dear Mr. Cashman and chief Overlord Gronk Steinbrenner,

It is my understanding that the two of you are hoping to execute your own ( baseball ) version of the Eli Manning trade.

That is: you mortgage the next ten years of the franchise for a " name " player who is assumed to be the savior of the franchise, and the asset base from which that mortgage is repaid. It can be our own mortgage derivative fiasco and meltdown.

In the case of Ernie Accorsi (Brian's counterpart at the Giants precedent-setting giveaway), he convinced the Giants to give up a prime prospect who was in their organization (Philip Rivers), and three critical draft picks whose absence from the Giants explains why the team has such a limited talent base today. Only the Minnesota Vikings ever made a dumber trade, giving up 10 years of potential for 10 years of failure with the esteemed Herschel Walker trade. Dallas, of course, went on to win 4 Super Bowls with the talent and draft picks they acquired for this " name " player.

Here is the lesson of history; " He who gets the name player gets nothing. He who gives him away to the Yankees (or Giants) gets it all."

Now you have a plan to give up our "Phil" (Hughes) plus: Ian Kennedy; Jose Tabata; Melky ; and several others for the "name player" of the Twins; Johan Santana. Did you see Eli Manning last Sunday? Wait until you see Santana pitching for us, and going 0-10 at home.

It was only last year that you declared a new strategy for the Yankees. Our depleted minor league system cried out for stability; we had traded all our prospects for over the hill " name " players who inflated the payroll, disappointed the fans, and failed to deliver anything beyond more " one and out " post season experiences.

So now we are ready to repeat the failed approach that has served us so well in the past? Facts and reality no longer intercept your ideas on how to rebuild this franchise? I think this willingness to trash a sensible, compelling approach elevates you as a possible replacement for our Secretary of State.

Maybe baseball isn't really your bag.

As long as you are now planning to sell this franchise down the river, destroy the hopes and enthusiasm of the fan base ( i.e. preventing us from ever getting to see the young talent you have accumulated wearing our uniform ), and guarantee ( fan ) hatred and failure for this "name " pitcher, I suggest you go all the way. Kind of like invading Iraq without a plan and without a reason.

I say the trade should be thus:

We get Santana for 27 years at $22 million per year. You can increase Arod's package if he complains.

The Twins get:
Melky C.
Ian Kennedy
Phil Hughes
Jose Tabata
Action Jackson
Joba ( he might just "seal " the deal and keep Johan from Boston )
Robbie Cano ( we don't want any players under 35 on this team, except Johan.)
Tyler Clippard
BJ Cox
Humberto Sanchez
Chase Wright
Dillon Bettances
And this year's number one pick (currently in surgery)

This will do it for at least 10 years, and we'll never have to go through another off-season of terror, where we have nightmares that the usual bureaucratic and ownership stupidity will compel the Yankees to give up any prospective young guys for more names.

My only question is why you didn't have this in mind when Derek, Bernie, Jorge Andy and Mo were in our system.

What were you thinking?

Have You Seen This Man?

Tips wanted!

YANKEETORIAL: Open Letter to Bud Selig

Dear Madam or Sir,
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A cancer threatens our precious sport.
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The fans.
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They sit all day in their pantaloonies, burping and complaining, bringing nothing of substance to the game. Nothing. Of. Substance.
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Nothng.
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Mr. Commissioner, ban them.
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For too long, they've gotten a free ride. The press rips players and managers, but views fans as sacred cows, when in fact they are barnyard cows.
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FACT: Who invented steroids, and where do they come from? Fans.
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FACT: Last year, the slow and obese Barry Bonds somehow ended up named to the Major League All-Star game. Who voted him in? Fans.
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FACT: In 2003, a sociopath named Steve Bartman ruined the National League playoffs, causing an iron-willed reliever named Kyle Farnsworth to temporarily lose control, walk the bases loaded and give up a bases clearing double, ending the Cubs’ chance to win. It clearly wasn’t Farnworth’s fault. He’s not that kind. It was Bartman… a fan.
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FACT: Lee Harvey Oswald. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Dahmer. Lindsay Lohan… Fans.
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FACT: Recently, the former Tampa Bay Devil Rays were forced to change their great tradition and drop "Devil" from their name because of Satanic fears by... fans.
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Mr. Commissioner, send a message to humanity: YOU ARE GONE.
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We hereby demand that Major League Baseball seek an immediate Order of Protection against all fans, requiring them to maintain a distance of at least 200 yards from every athletic facility during the period in which a baseball event is underway or in preparation.
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Let the world know that Major League Baseball will not tolerate mediocrity, the Tampa Bay Rays notwithstanding.

Oye Como Va?

Stubby is talking to the Twins about Santana.

Let's hope it's not the Bush Twins he's talking to.

The new team.

The Tampa Bay Rays.

The Tampa Bay Raise.

The Tampa Bay Reyes.

The Tampa Bay Raze.

The Tampa Bay Wrays.

It's gonna be a long year.

Signature Home Run Call: Ann Coulter

"It is gone! Lefty liberal pitcher throws like a 9/11 Jewish harpy wife! Aw, c’mon, that’s a joke, faggots."

YANKEETORIAL: Leave A-Rod Alone

OPEN LETTER TO FANS:
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You suck. Get out of baseball, now.
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You’re mad because A-Rod makes big bucks. Just because you aren’t worth $30 million a year doesn’t mean he isn’t. Frankly, you’re not worth a nickel. Anybody can sit in the stands and boo millionaires. It doesn’t take talent. You could be replaced by homeless people. The Chinese could provide fresh fans for pennies. Hell, a sound track with cardboard cutouts could replace you -- and do a better job!
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You are what’s wrong with baseball!
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The scoreboard says, “NOISE,” so what do you do? You clap like trained seals. If the scoreboard says, “MOO,” would you moo? Of course, you would!
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If we ran the scoreboard, it would say, “KILL YOURSELVES.”
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And nobody would miss you.
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Oh, we can hear you now, plopped on your couches, clicking on YES to watch reruns of reruns of reruns of Yankee victories from 1995, and blathering, as the chips and dip spray from your pig-like maws, “A-Rod mape too much momey. I hape him!”
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Tuck in your shirts, you obese fools.
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A-Rod's going to be the game’s greatest home run hitter ever, replacing a predicate felon, and you boo him because you can’t afford gas. You vote Republican, watch Fox News and boo A-Rod, because he’s rich. Or vote Democrat, listen to NPR and boo A-Rod because he’s rich.
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Go home, all of you. Go stand at Gate D of the NY Jet games, screaming at women to drop their halters. That’s all you’re good for.
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Frankly, the game would improve if India sent mobs of untouchables to sit in the stands, eat cats and watch videos of Laura Bush crap on secret service agents. It would be an improvement over you.
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You should not be allowed into baseball games. You should be forced to watch YES reruns of reruns of reruns of horror-filled Yankee losses, like the entire post-season for the last six years, with your eyes clamped open, until you’ve been Clockwork Oranged into rooting for Nascar phonies or pro wrestlers, or Dancing with the Stars, or whatever slush the Skull & Bones Society is now troweling out.
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You are ruining baseball for everybody.

MOO.

The Case for Dotel

We signed Octavio Dotel two years ago, coming off TJ surgery. Basically, he Pavanoed for us. He read magazines, worked out, then finally pitched 10 innings, giving up 18 hits, with an ERA of 10.80.
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Throughout 2006, he A-Rodded about loving NY, wanting to stay, digging the Pinstripes. Then he signed with KC for $5 million. They tried him as closer. He gave them PTSD. They peddled his butt to Atlanta.
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For the year, "Oct" pitched 30 innings, with an ERA of 4.01. Think of him as Atlanta's Eric Gagne.
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Actually, the Baseball Reference page lists as his statistical twins Doug Bair, Jay Howell and Tim Stoddard. There's some perspective for you. His Baseball Reference page is sponsored by the "Oakland Committee to Impeach Octavio Dotel," which writes, "Our stance is that Octavio Dotel is the worst closer of alltime."
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Like we said, this guy brings PTSD.
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He's 34, a free agent.
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Oct is out there, floating in the night like an evil soul, looking for a uniform to inhabit.
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Supposedly, we're considering him.
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Be afraid. And pray he doesn't have a cry-session with Stubby to tell how he misses NY.

Signature Home Run Call: Greta van Susteren

“He tore the cover off it! Next up, exclusive video of the beaten, naked ball!”

YANKEETORIAL: Get off Barry's Back

AN OPEN LETTER TO FANS:
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You stink. Go home, you bums.
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You should not be allowed to follow baseball. You should follow canasta. You know nothing about baseball. You know nothing about life.
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Case in point: Barry Bonds.
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You piss and moan about Barry. You want him in jail. You want to deny him Cooperstown.
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You should be denied Cooperstown.
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You say, "Oh, mercy, Barry is a scumbag! He lied."
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OK, smartasses, what great hitter wasn't a nutjob?
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Babe Ruth = glutton.
Reggie Jackson = megalomaniac.
Wade Boggs = sex addict.
Dave Parker = coke freak.
Ty Cobb = evil incarnate.
Pete Rose = gambler.
Ted Williams = sociopath.
Mickey Mantle = alchy.
Rafael Palmiero = Viagra = penile pervert.
Alex Rodriguez = egomaniac.
Gary Sheffield = paranoid schizo.
Mark McGwire = juicer.
Jose Canseco = whore.
Manny Ramirez = Christ, he's Manny frickin' Ramirez! What else needs to be said?
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It’s baseball. Get it?
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Big batter = batty as a shithouse rat.
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You say, “Oo, wait! Mr. Yankeetorial. What about Henry Aaron, Joe DiMaggio and Big Papi! They’re not mean. They love children.”
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They’re cardboard cutouts, you fool. Believe us, you don’t want to know the real Big Papi. It would be like watching Laura Bush take a crap on a Secret Service agent. God, now look what you did. You made us picture a horrible image. Goddamn you.
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So you want Barry in jail? "Oo-oo, but Mr. Yankeetorial, Barry was juicing. He perjured himself!"
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Barry isn’t the only one juicing. And thank God he’s honest enough to lie.
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Have you fans never told a lie?
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HAVE YOU?
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Get off his back, you stinking, lying insufferable hypocrites. On his worst day, Pat Robertson can’t out-hypocrite you. IF YOU NEVER LIED, THEN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BOO. Otherwise, shut up, pay your money and watch.
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Got it?
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Good. So here’s what’s gonna happen. First, you’re gonna shut your lying, fat yaps. Second, Barry’s gonna stay out of jail. Third, he goes into the Hall, and you Laura Bush crapaholics are gonna smile and say, “Well, he was unpleasant, but he could hit, and that's what matters.”
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That’s right, fans.
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For the last 50 years, as far as you're concerned, that's all that ever mattered.
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If they hit, you forgave.
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You brought this on. Not Barry. You.
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YOU are the reason for steroids. Not Barry. YOU are the problem.
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For once, show class, you lazy, booing toads. Or follow the World Canasta League.
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Now get the hell out of our site, you make us sick. Pttuuii.

Toledo still an option for Arod?!?

More out-of-the-box analysis from the New York Times.

YANKEEOGRAPHY: Chris Britton, the largest Yank

At 280 pounds, Chris is one of baseball’s porkiest players, according to Wikipedia!
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How did this round-shouldered pea-slinger from Hollywood, Florida become an area code?
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Let’s travel back in time to 1997, when Chris was a buttery 15-year-old doing what all teen baloney boppers did: He watched Cleveland’s Jaret Wright stuff the Yanks in the AL Division Series, while chasing down pizzas with quarts of half-n-half.
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When Wright emerged as one of baseball’s all-time greatest bums, the Yanks naturally became intrigued and signed him to a multimillion dollar contract. In NY, Wright somehow managed to worsen. So last winter, the Yanks peddled him to Baltimore for Chris, a deal in which the Yanks actually gained 60 pounds.
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What a year Chris had in his XXXL pinstripes. He chalked up 12 and 2/3rds innings, compiling an ERA of 3.55. At one point in April, he was working on a skein of two consecutive scoreless innings!
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Let’s wish Chris the best in 2008. Without him, clubhouse buffets just aren’t the same. And remember: No matter what happens, he's not Jaret Wright.

Signature Home Run Call: Bill O'Reilly

"Home run. And look! look at the black people in the crowd! They’re not knifing each other! They’re not calling each other motherfucker! It’s amazing! They’re just like you and me!"

Heard on the Rumor Trail

Pssst. Yanks seriously eyeing trades and/or free-agent signings. Will it happen? Watch Stubby's eyes.
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Write this down: Mitchell Report on steroid abuse.
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Says here a certain Cub won’t get calls from sperm bank, because he gives away product.
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Little birdie tells us one NL Central team recently purchased two tons of fertilizer, bomb-detonation materials and automatic weapons.
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Question: What Met pitcher and catcher are, in actuality, catcher and pitcher?

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Sources: A certain owner is incontinent.
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Red Sox brass discreetly making it known they’d trade Coco Crisp, plus upper-tier prospects for a one-night boink with Drew Barrymore.

Turkeys

Any others?

Cheers by Jubilant NY Jets fans in Gate D

UNBLOCK THAT TIT!
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DEEEEE-cup!
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HOLD THAT BRA!

The Case for Kerry in '08

How much wood would Kerry Wood carry, if Kerry Wood could carry wood?
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That's the issue, because the former future Hall of Famer, now 30, is a free slave, itching to bring his Kyle Farnsworth-level intensity to some lucky MLB bullpen.
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Wait, did we say Farnsworth? Hell, Kerry's winged 44 innings total over the last two years. That's Planet Pavano!
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Now, Kerry'd be the first guy to tell you he needs to bunk some innings. But, hey, we're not gonna Swift Boat another Kerry. Sign him, Stubby! Kerry Wood could carry our wood, if Kerry Wood can carry wood.

Yankees 08'
Cash and Kerry

What is Shelley Duncan's "arm problem?"

Hot Scoop: From today's Daily News

Shelley Duncan has arm problem

Shelley Duncan, the Yankees' hard-hitting rookie, was hospitalized last week with an unknown arm ailment... "It's nothing serious," the source said. "Everything is going to be fine."

Keeping with the tone of this highly focused report, here are some possible diagnoses.

Restless Arm Syndrome
Cancer of the Arm
Arm lice
Bicepalitis
Pink Arm
Lymb Disease
Wrist Nile Virus
And if it proves fatal... Shelley Duncan Disease.

It's magic!

AROD's take on 2007, from his Web site:

"This year was a magical season"

Ah, yes, a magical year. Let's take a look at the magic:

* - He got caught cheating on his wife with a stripper.
* - His wife wore a "FUCK YOU" T-shirt to Yankee Stadium, making the front page of the New York tabloids.
* - The Yanks lost their AL East title.
* - A swarm of insects descended upon Joba Chamberlain in a playoff game.
* - AROD improved to 0-for-his-last-28 in the playoffs with runners on base.
* - Thanks in part to AROD's futility, Joe Torre was shown the door.
* - The Redsocks won the World Series.

Thanks for all the magic, AROD!

Signature Home Run Call: Paris Hilton

"Deeper! Farther! More! Don’t stop! Yes, yes, yes! OHH, YESSSSSS!"

Jesus Does it Again

Home run number 7.

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Playing in the Hugo Chavez Venezuelan League, he's 3rd in hitting, 7th in HRs (having played in far fewer games) and 3rd in slugging percentage.

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In eight days, Jesus H. Montero turns 18.

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We have Jesus on the farm.

BREAKING:

Yankees announce Playmakers Media Corporation as the exclusive ad sales agency for the club's official publications

This is a stunner. Never saw it coming.

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"As the New York Yankees commence the final season in Yankee Stadium, it has become increasingly evident that prospective advertisers and sponsors are seeking a clear direction and easy solution for their print advertising needs," said Yankees Chief Operating Officer Lonn Trost. "Playmakers Media Corporation will provide a direction that is simple, understandable and straightforward."
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Amen, and ahoy. Our Yank Ship of State is full-speed ahead under "Cap'n" Steinbrenner.
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Can't wait for next year's ads. "Simple, understandable and straightforward..." just like Stubby!

Time Running out on Smartest Yankee Contest

If you haven't voted yet...

Carl Pavano, the smartest Yankee?

BREAKING NEWS ANNOUNCEMENT

Utica, New York, November 20, 2007

FIRST BEER SOLD AFTER PROHIBITION BECOMES BEER-OF-CHOICE FOR IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS...caught.

Civic pride runs crisp and cool once again through the streets of Utica now that the city's own pilsner -- Utica Club -- has been named the official beer of IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS...caught.

Lovingly known as "U.C." to dozens of discerning drinkers the world over, Utica Club is like a steady middle reliever that you can hand the ball to in any circumstance, win or lose.

Utica Club. The official beer of IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS...caught.

4-Year Old Aaron Has Got To Do Better

He can name Abreu but not Wang?

The future looks grim indeed.

Fox Re-Signs Shep Smith for more than Farnsworth

To shell out $7 million for veteran slugger

Apparently fearing competition from YES, Fox News resigned DH Shep Smith for $7 million, vaulting the talk-for-pay cable righty into the upper strata of journo superanchors.

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He's still a couple Bob Schieffers away from banking Katie Couric-level gravy, ($15 mill per year), and God knows how much Disney Dollars get raked by Barbie "The Wallman" Walters, but it sure is s a hopeful sign! Some comparisons:

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Jason Giambi, $23 mill
Derek Jeter $21.6 mill

Katie Couric, $15 mill

Bobby Abreu $15 mill
Johnny Damon $13 mill

Hideki Matsui $13 mill

Carl "the smartest Yankee?" Pavano $10 mill

Shep Smith $7 mill
Lou Dobbs $6 mill

Anderson Cooper $5 mill
Kyle Farnsworth $5.6 mill
Kei Igawa $4 mill

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QUESTION: You think Rupe Murdoch will name Shep "captain?"

A resignation letter that puts Joe Torre's exit to shame

From the pen of Fran Townsend, who served as Assistant Chief Stevedore & Tablewatcher for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security during our nation's recent great period of peace, prosperity and unity:

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“In 1937, the playwright Maxwell Anderson wrote of President George Washington: There are some men who lift the age they inhabit, til all men walk on higher ground in their lifetime.”
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“Mr. President, you are such a man.”

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Wow. Peggy Noonan won't sleep tonight. That could be the closing line on High School Musical III. In terms of exiting, she makes Joe Torre look like Mel Hall.

From now on, when a Yankee bolts, let's put some speechwriting into the mix. Maxwell Anderson? Is he any relation to Sparky?

'Voice of the Yankees' to sing

An Evening With John Sterling

"... On Saturday in Irvington, they can get their (John) Sterling fix, when the broadcaster comes to Irvington Town Hall Theater to combine two lifelong loves: Broadway and baseball.

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"He'll appear alongside Broadway friends Brad Little ("Phantom of the Opera") and Barbara McCulloh ("The King and I") in a one-night-only performance."

Signature Home Run Call: Stevie Wonder

"See ya!"

Emotional Roller Coaster

Cleaning out the "Pictures" folder.