Top 10 blathering takeaways from last night's Yankee victory, because you don't change anything during a streak... ranked.

 

1. We won.

2. The ever-changing Zone of Death Abundance Damage went 5-13 and scored 4 runs. When Judge and Stanton homer in the same game, it's a foregone conclusion; it's Globetrotters v Generals, Roadrunner v Coyote, blood vessels v nose...

3. Okay, Giancarlo is officially hot: .412 with 2 HRs over last 7 games. Let's celebrate. He should carry this team, at least, through the tomato can ever-wily White Sox. The question, though, is simple: 

How far will he go before the tweak? Is there any earthly reason to believe a barking gonad is NOT lurking around Stanton's corner, waiting to bite? The answer, sadly, is no. The problem with Giancarlo getting hot is that he ends up having to run the bases, where his hammies snap like rubber bands in a dryer. We'll see how far he goes. Right now, he's on a course to hit 40 HRs. Do we dare believe he'll hit 30?

4. Also, Aaron Judge is baseball's hottest hitter. Despite a dreadful opening slump, which had Yankee fans ready to leap into the volcano, he's now on a course to hit 46 HRs. He's tied for fourth in all of baseball, with 12. And rising. 

5. Speaking of slumps, Juan Soto now dangling perilously below .300. (He's at .301.) Last night, he banged two drives to the wall, both long outs. Even when slumping, he barrels the ball.

6. In his minor league rehab, east of the sun and west of the moon, DJ LeMahieu played three innings, went 1-for-2 with a single, and played 3B. Apparently, that's where he will settle. 

7. The Martian sat out another game in Tampa. Not sure why. Not worrying. Move along. There's nothing to see here.

8. Can't escape the feeling that we have been here before. Yeah. Sherman, set the Wayback to May 21, 2022, the Yankees - behind Nestor Cortes - beat the warring White Sox 7-5, running their record to 29-10. They were in first place by 5.5 games. Both Judge and Giancarlo were hitting over .300. Everything was - as the kids would say - groovy. 

Well, we lost the next three, our first shitty streak of 2022, a harbinger of what was to come. The '22 Yankees won 99 games, wobbled to the end and fell over the finish line, winning the AL East and vanishing into the October rathole. Nothing lasts forever in baseball. I'm not saying this is 2022, just that we've seen this movie, and it's not starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan; in fact, it might be one of those Knives Out thingys where nobody is who they seem to be. Watch out. That's all I'm saying. 

9. Is there a difference between now and 2022? Maybe. Let me give it to you in a word. Pitching. 

Pitching, pitching, pitching. I don't know how the Yankees dug up this bullpen, comprised primarily of castoffs, and I wonder if they do have some advanced operation in Florida, squeezing the juice out of old rubber arms. Right now, everything is working, and Gerrit Cole might still be coming back. Don't mean to jinx it, but if there is one incredible difference between here and '22, it's that Cole could be coming back. 

10. I hope this country can stem the terrifying rise in golf thug violence. These hooligans cannot be allowed to run wild. 

Game Thread: Yankees vs. White Sox

 

At least until the Knick game starts.

What's wrong with this picture?

 

Besides the obvious?

Even after managing to finally squeeze out a win against Philly last night, the New York Mets are still in fourth place, and already ten games behind the first-place Phils.

But...they are just 1/2 game out of the sixth and final playoff spot.

Will this matter? 

Probably not. The Mets probably won't make the playoffs, and it's even more doubtful they have the team to make a run to the World Series, as the sixth-spot Diamondbacks did last season.

But it demonstrates again how much baseball has cheapened itself by letting 40% of all teams into the playoffs.

 

Top 10 ridiculously upbeat takeaways from yesterday's Yankee victory, ranked, (because you don't change underwear during a streak)

 1. We won.

2. Anthony Blinken Volpe has reached magical .270 BA, fulcrum point of global stardom that separates the  careers of Kissinger and Rumsfeld Marcell Ozuna (.270) and Brandon Nimmo (.267.) Not long ago, he was tracking Condoleezza Rice Horace Clarke - the real one, not the esteemed IIH prophet - at .256. Don't want to jinx the guy, but what if Volpe IS the Yankee Gold Glove SS/leadoff hitter for next five years? (And what if I'm the Easter Bunny?) 

Also, Volpe now tied for 5th in AL for stolen bases. Is it my imagination or does he run too infrequently, because of the immediate firepower following him?

3. Clarke Schmidt pitched 8 shutout innings. Three hits. Are we dreaming this? Yanks now have four starters (Schmidt, Gil, Rodon, Stroman) in MLB Top 20 for ERA. For now, Nasty Nestor is our weakest link. I certainly don't want to jinx this, by raising ridiculous expectations, but what if this is the Second Coming of Koufax & Drysdale, Maddox-Glavine-Smoltz, um, Clemens/Pettite/Cone/El Duque (not the esteemed IIH prophet)! 

4. Down at Single A Tampa, in the shadow of the Dali Museum, where men roll cigars off of women's breasts, and the sinkholes are filled with African pythons, The Martian yesterday went 2-4 with two singles. He is now 3-for-7 in his minor league rehab. 

5. Yanks rebirthed mastery of Twinkies, just like old times. Remember the halcyon days of Trevor Plouffe and Kurt Suzuki? Ahh... 'Sota.

6. Last seven days, Aaron Judge is hottest hitter in baseball - OPS of 1.593. No other Yankee in the Top 30. He is approaching .270!

7. Asked by Jack Curry yesterday if Yanks would consider signing Juan Soto to a midseason contract extension, Hal Steinbrenner said basically nothing. Door is always open, always ready to answer the phone, that Taylor Swift is really something, where's my car keys?, blah blah blah... Interesting that the Yankees would open TV discussions while Soto is slumping. Hoping for a "What have you done lately?" discount?

8. Storms hitting Houston, flooding everywhere, a million people without power. You reap what you sow, Astros!

9. Actually, here's hoping Texas storms recede and nobody gets hurt. Yankee fans are too moralistic and statesmanlike to demand petty revenge. 

10. Actually, I wouldn't mind rampant basement flooding, which leaves a stench and is very nasty. (Fun fact: We won't play Astros again this year.)  Let it rain!

Top 10 buttery, melt-in-your-mouth observations following last night's delicious Yankee win, ranked.

 

1. We won.

2. Zone of Death Abundance (yellow) went 9 for 20 with three runs, three RBIs. Rizzo neutered, only Yank to go hitless. 

3. Aaron Judge, now AL 3rd in HRs with 11, is officially on fire. Last night, 4 for 4, bumped his average by 19 points. If I were the Twinkies, today I'd walk the guy every time he sees his shadow. 

4. Six shutout innings by Marcus Stroman, followed by the Amazing and Mysterious Luke Weaver (2 IP, 0 runs.) At age 30, Weaver defies scientific explanation. 

Last year, with three MLB teams, he went 3-6 with an ERA of 6.40. Did he barter his soul with Satan? Did he invent a substance that repels objects from wood? Does he kill hobos and devour their pituitary glands? Whatever. I'm for it. Right now, there is no reason to change anything about him. But if the rotation falters, he's our 5th man. 

5. Down in the Double A bowels of Bridgeport, (which wants to call itself Somerset, but it's really Bridgeport), The Martian last night hath rested. His rehab assignment thus far: 1-for-3 with a walk. 

6. In various depths of minor league Mordor, scores of Yank hopefuls combined to throw three shutouts last night. Most came in short bursts, by pitchers we've never heard of. (Yorlin Calderon? Phil Bickford.) One you know - Clayton Beeter, the Beater with the Heater - threw four at Scranton. Why must everything good happen at once? Hey, juju gods, can't we space these out? 

7. Down in Bridgeport Somerset, on rehab assignment, perpetually injured IF lug nut Oswald Peraza hit his 3rd HR this week. Scranton looms. This year's Estevan Florial? (Hitting .189, 3 HRs, in Cleveland.)  Meanwhile, stud prospects Spencer Jones (o-4 with 4 Ks) and Ben Rice (0-3 with 3 Ks) shat bed. Jones' average (now .237) is sinking without a bubble. 

8. Listless and clunky play by Twinkies tears veneer off Minnesota claim as an ascending AL power. Loss today and series sweep would conjure memories of 1990s "'Sota bitch" status. How did this team win 12 straight? Juju gods are brutal. (Wait. I'm not suggesting  that the juju gods are unfair. In fact, I think they are solid, standup entities, who do a great job under tough conditions. Frankly, those guys don't get the credit they deserve. Not only that, but they look great! Hey, are you guys working out? Way ta go!) 

9. Anthony Volpe near magical .270 batting average threshold. But comparisons to KC shortstop Bobby Witt might have to go. Witt leads AL in runs, hitting .293 in long awaited, third season breakout. (Actually, Volpe - one year behind - could be tracking along Witt's lines.) 

10. Juan Soto leads AL in On Base Percentage with .408. Judge now fifth. We still have yet to see the two of them, simultaneously, in hitting spree. Saving it for Boston, maybe? 

Top 10 gloriously optimistic takeaways following last night's hummungus Yankee victory, ranked.

1. We won.

2. Zone of Death (yellow) - a veritable bridge collapse two weeks ago in Baltimore - has come alive: 7 for 23, four runs, three RBIs. Nobody hitting below .200. 

3. "And Soto, too?" And Soto, too! Yank batting  order now flip-flopping, top to bottom: RH, LH, RH, LH, RH, LH, RH, LH, SWITCH, repeat.

4. Carlos Rodon starting to resemble the pitcher we thought we signed two winters ago. ERA ranks 20th in AL, 17th in IP, 17th in Ks. Only mistake last night came on game's 2nd pitch, a fatty.

5. Lightning Wrists Stanton's HR - (114 mph, 424 feet) - beating Minnesota's flimsy bloop, (107 mph, 414 feet.) Does Giancarlo have a year in him?

6. Down in dirt league backwater, Single A Tampa - do they play barefoot? - the Martian last night went 1-for-3 with a walk. Jasson Dominquez. He'll DH for 20 days, then be crated and shipped to Scranton, where he'll either knock down fences or languish until Cooperstown Cashman finds a use for him. Considering the hype behind Dominguez, it's hard to see the Brain Trust trading him, (though Cashman is surely salivating over some bad deal.) Right now, though, The Martian immediately replaces Ben Rice and Spencer Jones as the prospects you check on, first thing, before your bangers and mash. (Culinary, not sexual.) 

7. Somewhere in minors - (if it's Tuesday, this must be Bridgeport?) -  Tommy Kahnle last night struck out the side on 10 pitches. Don't know what happened on that one pitch. Can't do much better. The Gulf of (Michael) Tonkin Incident might soon end.

8. Anthony Volpe, over last seven days: .370 BA, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, OBP: .414. Are we watching the formation of a star? (Caveat: He's fanning too much, 8 Ks in 27 ABs. 

9. Gerrit Cole and DJ LeMahieu bringing happy talk to Yankiverse. DJ to start rehab assignment tomorrow or Friday. God knows where. Cole throwing 36 pitches, says he's okedoke. (Of course, he'd be instructed to lie.) Next stop, batting practice. (Mid-June?) 

10. O's lost two straight. Not exactly a bridge collapse, but Yanks now first in AL East by - get this - one fucking percentage point. Print the playoff tickets, Hal! (Also, check out Rays and Jays: Might soon be Tanky Tank Time!)

BREAKING NEWS! JuJu Coup Crushes "The New York Spring."

 

"The New York Spring," which looked, briefly, as though it might be the most successful sporting spring New York City had ever had, came crashing down in chaos this week. 

The Knicks and Rangers got off to an unprecedented, 13-2 start in the playoffs, a performance that brought them to the very threshold of...maybe making the conference finals. The Yankees and Mets also put together stunning win streaks, games that left fans dreaming of a Subway Series. 

But in a matter of days, all this has changed. 

The Mets' vaunted closer has come apart, dragging his team back down to hell with him, while owner Steve Cohen strives mightily to...put a casino in his team's parking lot.

Juju tanks now surrounded Madison Square Garden, where the plucky but undermanned Knicks face imminent destruction at the hands of the Indiana Pacers.  

Meanwhile, the Rangers are on the verge of the most ignominious collapse in the team's long and sorry history. 

R

The Blueshirts are ready to choke up a 3-0 series lead, something so infamous it has only happened previously to—

WE INTERRUPT THIS REPORT TO TAKE YOU TO GROVERS MILLS, NEW JERSEY, WHERE THE INTERCONTINENTAL RADIO NETWORK IS REPORTING THAT SINISTER, UNIDENTIFIED, POD-LIKE AIRSHIPS OF SOME KIND HAVE JUST LANDED, BURYING THEMSELVES DEEP IN THE SURROUNDING MUCK.

Wait—the ships seem to be raising up from where they crashed, somewhere in the swamps of Jersey....

Oh my God...could it be??? Yes, it's the juju from Mars! 

They're burning everything in sight with their death rays, jiving us that we were voodoo! 

I'm just getting some first reports on casualties. Has this been confirmed? Oh. Oh, this is terrible folks.

We are sorry to report that Mrs. Met has been barbecued to a crisp by these monsters!

Oh, the humanity!

Can nothing resist this all-out assault on our city and its sporting hopes? Thank God the Yankees, out in Minnesota, are still alive—at least if you don't count Giancarlo Stanton and Gleyber Torres.

But wait! We have to switch you back to the Bronx now, where we understand the coup is proceeding even there!

 

Yes, former state senator Luis Sepúlveda—voted Senator Paying the Most Meticulous Attention to His Facial Hair three terms in a row—has now been named Acting Commissar for Life by the juju invaders.

Commissar Sepúlveda has decreed the Boston Red Sox to be the official team of the Bronx, and has announced plans to erect a gigantic monument to David Ortiz (complete with bullet hole) outside of what is now to be known as Starr Insurance Stadium. 

(Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner greeted the news in a memo that read in its entirety, "Welcome, Ants!")

The horror. The horror. 

Keep watching the skies. Just keep watching the skies.

It's a cookbook!...

TRAITORS!

THIS ABOMINATION WILL NOT BE IGNORED.

ELECTIONS ARE COMING THIS NOVEMBER.

THROW THESE BUMS OUT.

 

Brand new, high-tech stats show that Giancarlo Stanton is having a great year; we must be hallucinating otherwise

Great news, Yank faithful: You're wrong again!

In your deluded, anti-science delirium, you may have somehow conjured up the brain worm notion that Giancarlo Stanton was entering the twilight of his Five-Day Deodorant pad career, with ever-shrinking performance levels showing up five seasons before his Yankee contract expires, in 2029 - assuming we're still here to see it.

Nope. Forget that Stanton is hitting .230 - (with on On Base Percentage of .283) - and that last year he hit .191, and the year before that, .211. Nope. Those are tired, old-line, horse-and-buggy stats, cooked up by Amish troublemakers on their chalk boards and Etch-A-Sketches, enroute to the next barn fire. 

Turns out that Giancarlo is actually leading the majors in ABS, (see table) - which is not a bowel syndrome, but a way of measuring BS (Bat Speed, of course) - with a whopping FSR of 98.0.

Let me repeat that, in case you feel your eyes are messing with you: 

He has a FSR of ninety-eight-point-oh!

What does this mean? Well, WTF? It goddamm means exactly what it goddamm says: Big G has a Fast Swing Rate of 98.0 percent, nearly 25 points ahead of first runner-up, Kyle Schwarber of the Phillies. That's one big-ass, instantaneous, lightning-bolt-to-the-nuts swing rate. MLB.com calls Stanton the KOBS - King Of Bat Speed, aka, the "King of BS." 

[It's no wonder that Stanton just hit the two hardest home runs of the 2024 season. On his 119.9 mph homer on Wednesday at Yankee Stadium, he had a swing speed of 83.7 mph. On his 118.8 mph homer the day before, he had a swing speed of 85.1 mph. The "Stantonian blast" couldn't exist without his unparalleled bat speed.

Fangraphs puts it this way.

That brings us to another metric that’s now available: fast-swing rate. That’s how frequently a player swings at 75 mph or more. You can think of it, roughly, as the hard-hit rate of swings. To hit a ball hard, you have to swing hard. A full 66.2% of Soto’s swings are hard, while 11% of Betts’ are. Giancarlo Stanton is the league leader here, at a whopping 98.4%. That’s a mathematical description of the phrase “he doesn’t get cheated.” Stanton really does have the most raw power in the league, and he shows it on pretty much every swing. As David Adler noted, Stanton is the hardest swinger in baseball, and he leaves the rest of the field in the dust.

So, stop whining about Stanton's occasional strikeout, here and there, a blip in the overall scheme of things. He might be the slowest runner to first base since Smokey Burgess, and the greatest GIDP threat since Andy Hassey's knees gave out. He's the GOAT of BS, the Swinging Blur of Midnight Blue. Don't blink, or you'll miss his movement. Hooray for the wonks. They've done it again. As for Giancarlo, do we dare to dream?   

MLB All-Don-Martin-Sound-Effects Team!

1B   John Kruk
2B   Frank Sigafoos
SS   Sibby Sisti
3B   Wayne Krenchicki

LF   Mark Funderburk
CF   Richie Zisk
RF   Louis Sockalexis

C    Erik Kratz

LHP   Thomas Szapucki, Paul Splittorff
RHP   Lee Pfund, Cy Slapnicka, Joe Slusarski, Yorman Bazardo

MGR   Gavvy Kravath

Top 10 mirthful takeaways from Sunday's masterful Yankee victory, ranked.

1. We won. 

2. Yank Zone of Death (in yellow) came alive: 8-for-21 with 6 RBIs. 

3. Now with 10 HRs, ump-scourge Aaron Judge - aka "Furiosa" - tied for 4th in AL. In all of MLB, he is tied for 11th, one behind Ohtani. (Fun fact: Both have 27 RBIs, even though is Ohtani hitting .352 - 117 points above Judge.)  

(Extra fun fact: Arguably in first slump of Yankee career, Juan Soto still leads AL in RBIs, with 34.) 

4. Gleyber Torres woke up, hit 3-run HR, no longer saddled with the worst John Sterling homer-holler of all time: "Like a good Gleyber, Torres is there..." YES team launched "slump is over" mode, though he's still hitting .208. 

5. Shell-shocked Alex Verdugo finally sat, respite for new father on Mother's Day?

6. How good is Luis Gil? His 2.51 ERA beats Cy Young Cole from last season (2.63.) Can he keep it up? Gil now with 8th best ERA in AL, among starters. Godsend. 

7. Yanks survive near worst bullpen meltdown of 2024. Enter 7th up by 6. Leave 7th with one-run lead. To staunch bleeding, needed Weaver's 9th straight scoreless outing. To win, needed 10 runs. Hold my beer. I gotta puke.

8. Yanks still half-game behind O's, who lost Sunday. Baltimore now hosts last place Toronto, with chance to permanently hobble always hateful Jays and maybe coax Vlad Jr. to vow never to play for them. Can they make Vlad's shit list? 

9. Jasson Dominguez starts minor league rehab assignment Tuesday, launching ultimate Yankee question: How good is he? Ceiling still a complete mystery. He hit 4 HRs in 31 ABs last September, rousing an already overhyped legend. Now, he's returning barely 9 months after elbow surgery. Last year in Somerset and Scranton, The Martian hit .265 with 15 HRs and 40 stolen bases. If he hits in rehab, the sheer volume of newsprint around Dominquez will push the Yankees to call him up. Who gets benched? Verdugo? Stanton? (Surely, by then, somebody will have tweaked something, right?)

10. Then there is Boone who - what? Excuse me, gotta go, I've a phone call from Yogi. 

Top 10 ugly takeaways from Saturday's brutal Yankee loss, ranked

 1. We lost. 

2. You know it's hopeless when, by the 7th, the YESsers are gobbling about the stable of Olympian stars in injury rehab.

3. Wait a minute. Did they say The Martian, Jasson Dominguez, will soon launch a rehab? Where would they put him, if he goes on a tear? 

4. Juan Soto in first slump of Yankee era. Hitless in three games. (Though he's hit liners.) Should he be added to Zone of Death? (TM) 

5. If so, Zone of Death (in yellow) went 1-for-18 yesterday. It's a wonder we scored two runs.

6. Nice for Yanks to help Randy Arozarena out of miserable spring slump. Best thing about playing Tampa was watching him struggle. He was the one star the Rays didn't trade, and his value was steadily failing. Until yesterday...

7. Yanks pick great location to witness rare Northern Lights even across North America: Tampa, Florida, inside domed stadium. Hope they brought their eclipse glasses (along with earplugs, to stifle obnoxious sound effects.)

8. Stanton resting. Bye Bye Berti bats 5th. Brain worm?

9. If/when Cole returns, could Nasty Nestor be the starter to lose his slot?

10. Not that it mattered, but Gulf of Tonkin Incident pitched a scoreless inning, was best out of bullpen on a miserable day. Escalation of U.S. path to war?

11. Fuck. Roger Corman died.

Hubris.

 

SPOILER ALERT:

If you have never seen this movie—The Sweet Smell of Success, starring Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis—stopping reading immediately and watch it. 

It's one of the greatest films of the 1950s, beautifully shot and a dazzling writing job by Clifford Odets, Ernest Lehman, and Alexander Mackendrick. It's McCarthyism in nightclub noir, a tale of New York celebrity so gritty, dark, and breathtaking that Barry Levinson has characters obsessively quoting it in Diner.

All right, you've been warned of spoilage. 

The plot of The Sweet Smell of Success revolves around evil—and I mean evil—gossip columnist Burt Lancaster, one of the most powerful figures in the city. He employs scrambling, amoral press agent Tony Curtis to break up the engagement of Lancaster's younger sister (Susan Harrison) to an all-American jazz guitarist (perpetual movie straight man, Martin Milner).  

Curtis does—but it's not enough for Burt, who over the course of this scheme has been insulted to his face by Milner. Despite having told the young man, "You're dead, son. Get yourself buried."—breaking up the engagement is suddenly not enough for Burt. He wants Milner physically damaged, and framed for drug possession, and inveigles Curtis into setting this up—much against his better judgement. 

It's not so much that Tony's character, Sidney Falco, balks at how immoral this all is. It's that he can see that it's too much—that Lancaster's hubris is going to undo them both. Which it does.

 

All of which brings me to Brian Cashman and Gleyber Torres. Of course.

It wasn't enough, when Derek Jeter was negotiating for his last Yankees contract, for Cashman to go hard on Jeets, who was already 36 and just starting to fade. Sure, maybe a cut in salary was inevitable—hell, even Babe Ruth got cut in his last years. 

It was more the way he did it, than anything else, that was so...Cashman being Cashman.

Rather than simply low-balling Jeets, Cashman also brought the negotiations to the press, and used some of his favored reporters to spread around just how he put it to one of the Yankees' greatest players.

He told Derek Jeter to his face—Cashie let us know—that he could be replaced. When a seething Jeets asked with who, The Brain gleefully recounted that he replied, without hesitation: "Troy Tulowitski, for one."

Snap! That's tellin' 'em, Bri!

Jeter fumed—and signed, for a big cut. 

But like Lancaster's columnist, J.J. Hunsecker, that wasn't enough for Cashman. As always, he had to demonstrate just how brilliant he was—and get his "revenge" on someone he'd already bested.

In 2018, that meant his "steal" of Giancarlo Stanton from Jeter when he was running the Marlins. Cashie even got his own Sidney Falco's,  Bob Klapisch and Paul Solotaroff, to write a whole book, Inside the Empire: The True Power Behind the New York Yankees, excoriating Jeter and worshipfully praising Cashie.

A sample of their deathless prose:

"There is, in the fixity of his gaze and jawline, the set of a man taken lightly for too long. He's one of those people who came to power fairly, on the strength of his smarts and sweat equity. To be sure, he used a family connection to land an internship with the Yankees while still in college."

Sure, "smarts and sweat equity" to "family connection." That tracks.

But it still wasn't enough—especially after everyone saw who the real mark was in the Giancarlo deal.

Next, Cashman actually brought Troy Tulowitski to the Bronx, even though poor Tulo had never managed to play so much as a full season after 2011. He played 5 games, hit .182, and retired.

Embarrassing.

But if there's one distinguishing characteristic about Brian Cashman, it's that he's never afraid to make the same mistake twice. Or three, or four times.

Next up was the rock upon which Bri would build his very own Yankees dynasty, the Shortstop a de Future...Gleyber Torres. Never mind that he would have to switch positions. He would be Brian Cashman's Derek Jeter, only—as the old Six-Million Dollar Man line went—BETTER. Better? Better, stronger, faster.

Well, we all saw how that worked out. 

Now, though long back at second base, The Gleyber seems to be having an epic fail. A quarter of the season in, he's at .209 with a .550 OPS, 1 HR and 7 RBI. He's on a pace to strike out 156 times—a career worst.

Gleyber also brings so little else to his game. He's a bad baserunner, with no instincts. He's on pace to make 20 errors at second—and to lead the AL in that stat for the second year in a row.

Does he need glasses? A new head? I dunno. But the fact is that, at just 27, The Gleyber is done—maybe the biggest Yankee washout of all time, considering the expectations for him.

Yet I don't expect Brian Cashman to give him a $6-million makeover. I expect it to be 20 or 30 times that number, if Torres can play at all decently for any part of this year. That will be a(nother colossal) Cashie mistake—which will then give HAL another excuse not to go all-out to win a ring. 

But have no fear, whether Gleyber stays or goes, Cashman is already hard at work at destroying his next Jeter "replacement." Let's face it, folks, after that blistering early start, Anthony Volpe—a delightful young man—is in free fall, on his way, perhaps, to being not the next Derek but the next Gleyber.

Volpe's hitting .209, with all of 3 homers and 12 RBI over the last 4 weeks. He's on a pace to strikeout 160 times. He seems to have stopped stealing much, and his fielding has become frankly erratic. 

Yet I'm sure the Yanks will do nothing to try to turn him around. He will keep hitting in the leadoff spot that obviously puts too much pressure on him, keep using the same approach to the game that Brian Cashman and his analytics experts have no doubt determined is the very best one possible. Keep failing the same way, over and over again, just like Cashman's Yankees, which is the very definition of...

Hubris.

General manager of the Yankees? My big toe would make a better general manager of the Yankees.

 

 

10 gushing takeaways from Friday night's big Yankee win, ranked according to delightfulness

1. We won.

2. Yank Zone of Death (yellow) went 4-18, but Rizzo drove in both runs.

3. Verdugo still hasn't hit since fatherhood. Guy is seeing Huggies.

4. Clay Holmes with an Aroldis save. (Bases loaded, full counts, heart attacks all around.)

5. Gleyber still flailing, as LeMahieu nears minor league rehab assignment. Something's gotta give.

6. Golden Memories: Hoping for comeback, Clint "Jackson" Frazier signs with indie Atlantic League team. He wore "77," perfect balance with Judge's "99." Damn. He was gonna be something. Next stop, Savannah Bananas? 

7. Thirty-four year old vet Jon Berti runs himself out of inning, trying to score from 2nd on an infield dribbler. Damn. Should know better.

8. Clarke Schmidt ascending on list of Yankee 1st round draft pick in this millennium. Current rankings: 

1. Judge, 2013, (unanimous.)
2. Volpe, 2019? (still hoping.)
3.  Joba Chamberlain, 2006
4. Ian Kennedy, 2006
5. Phil Hughes, 2004
6. Schmidt, 2017?
7. Wells, 2020?
8. Slade Heathcott, 2009 (remember the HR?)
9. James Kaprielian, 2015 (whom we traded)  
10. Gerrit Cole, 2008 (though he didn't sign.) 

9. Could cheapo Tampa, now one game below .500, decide to follow the Tankimore O's for a full-scale season collapse? Yanks could hurt them deeply this weekend. 

10. Luke Weaver still confounding hitters. Last night looked overpowering. Boone's main set-up man? Last year, he started. Could he be a rotational piece?

Game Thread: Caption Contest

 

Top 10 depressing takeaways from yesterday's loss, ranked

1. We lost.

2. Zone of Death (in yellow) returned. Yeah, Judge homered (and hit a GIDP), but you felt the air hissing out as soon as Verdugo (also a GIDP) stepped in. 

3. Re: Verdugo (.208 over the week.) Could it be fatherhood? The first week, nobody sleeps. Hope he's not trying to breastfeed.

4. Over last 6 games, Gleyber is 4-20 (.200.) The mini-emergence - which prompted the usual YES assurances - may have ended. In his 7th MLB season, he still throws to the wrong base and runs us out of innings. Of all Yanks hitting their walk years, Gleyber looked like the one most likely to elevate his game. Starting to wonder. LeMahieu will eventually return, and the question is not when, but where?   

5. Volpe quietly angling for "Most Improved Yankee" award, which does not exist. Wondering about his ceiling - .260 and 20 HRs? Whatever he hits, his 2023 Gold Glove - (rightful or not) - provides slack. He's the Yankee SS, the infield anchor, the leadoff hitter. Someday, the long lost ghost of Wilkes Barre, Oswald Peraza, will start rehabbing. He will be auditioning to be traded. 

6. Stanton with 4 Ks last night, each one a steel-toed kick to the Planters. He fans 4 out of every 10 at bats and has 4 GIDPs this year. (Captain Judge - aka "Stormy" - has 11.) 

Stanton has one glorious but meaningless stat: Exit Velo, a sham number, worthy of tobacco company news releases. If MLB ever establishes a three-point line - balls over 450 feet count more - Exit Velo might matter.

7. If Gerrit Cole falters - (and until he's back, he's not back) - Luke Weaver could maybe save the rotation. He looks like this year's Michael King (FYI: 3-3, 4.29 ERA in San Diego.) He's the guy in the bullpen with the arsenal of a starter. Don't wanna jinx him. But right now, when Weaver comes in, I can go make a sandwich, knowing he's in control.

8. Tonight, Death Barge visits Tampa, where hatred for the Yankees is matched only by contempt for school teachers. The domed stadium's sound effects cacophony will be in overdrive. John Sterling used to loathe these games. You could feel his teeth clenching. Now, Suzyn must face the migraines alone. There's nothing like games played in a ping pong ball. And hostilities will rival Drake v Kendrick Lamar. 

9. Oswaldo on mini-streak (4-14 over last 7 games), average holding at .256. Here's a weird stat: He's hitting higher against lefties (.273), even though he can't figure out which side of the plate to stand on. What he's giving though, is defense. When LeMahieu returns - nobody knows when - Oswaldo should still get playing time. 

10. My bad: Yesterday, in advance of the Houston finale, I should not have posted the Ryan McBroom icon. Damn. I knew better. I... just... got... greedy. I could taste that sweep! I HELD IT IN MY HANDS...

Remember the First Rule of Juju:

Nothing good ever comes from being optimistic.  

Stroman blowin'

 

No Sho.

This has been The Week That Was for New York teams—and it's only Thursday!

The plucky Knicks—never thought I would put those two words together—despite suffering one awful injury after another, managed to scrap and claw their way to a 2-0 lead in their playoff series against Indiana, before ecstatic Garden crowds.

The raging Rangers have gone up 2-0 over the team once known as the Boston Whalers, including a double-overtime win before, well, more ecstatic Garden crowds.

Your New York Yankees, while lacking access to the same EGC, have pummeled the Tigers and now the Yer Cheatin' Heart Astros. Even the Metsies, low man on the totem pole, pulled off two, scintillating wins over the Claudia Cardinals, as the Polar Bear showed signs of coming out of hibernation. (Do polar bears actually hibernate? I would doubt it.)

So what did The New Yorker, renowned, nearly century-old icon of our town, decide to put on its front cover? 

Why, Shohei Ohtani, of course.

No. No Sho. Not ever. 

The Mark Ulriksen image has stirred controversy for including that stack of bills in Ohtani's rear pocket. Some Ohtani loyalists are demanding an apology. 

Not quite sure how someone like Ohtani, who recently signed a $700-million contract—and who, according to his version, plays so fast and loose with his moolah that his translator could withdraw $16 mill from his accounts without his knowing—can be insulted by this. 

But all actual New Yorkers should be.

No Los Angeles Dodger, and no San Francisco Giant, should EVER disgrace the cover of The New Yorker. Ever.

Those two storied teams, beloved by generations of human New Yorkers, took the last train for the coast, and left our city for dead. For their owners, New York was too dirty, too old, and—most of all, lest we forget—full of too many Black and Hispanic people, for them to remain. 

Well, Brooklyn survived. Harlem survived. Sure, we have our problems.  (So do LA and SF, to put it mildly). But to paraphrase our greatest president, this great city endured as it has endured, revived and prospered. 

Eustace Tilley can suck eggs.

 

Top 10 Yankee happy talk reasons to celebrate last night's win, ranked

1. We won.

2. Judge & Soto: 6 for 10, 8 RBIs. "Judge & Jury" or "Soto & Uh-Oh."

3. Yanks' lineup has nobody under .200. Ghost of Gallo exorcized? (BTW: Joey hitting .122 for Nats.)

4. Nine straight over Bastaroids. (Cheaters never prosper. And their homes back in Houston are underwater.)

5. Amazingly, game was bigger blowout than 9-4 score implies.

6. AL Homer Leaderboard: Soto tied for 4th with 9, Judge & Giancarlo tied for 11th with 8. (No other comparable three-way.)

7.  Soto hitting .338 (2nd in AL), leads league in RBIs - legit Triple Crown threat. (Unless Judge denies him in HRs?)

8. Tommy Kahnle throwing in minors. Pitched an inning yesterday at dirt league Tampa. Fanned two adolescents. Replacement for Golf of Tonkin? 

9. Astros look cooked. Nine games behind in Wild Card. Bregman at .189. Verlander said to be in clubhouse, throwing balls at couch. (Domingo German's overturned furniture? BTW: "Mr. Perfect" has yet to throw pitch this year for Pirates.)

I'm no doctor, but to me, Verlander looks like a classic case of dead worm in the brain. Just sayin...

10. Juju icon resurfaces for finale: 5:05 p.m. 

Not dead yet!

 Breaking: The Maestro will be doing a talk show before Saturday's boogaloo with the St. Pete Tampons ... available on the Audacy app.

Batters Up

 by Michael Gallowglas

Today on Bardball.com!

Someday, years from now, I’ll be sitting
at the Brooklyn Center for Fiction,
working on some story or other,
and a sound will grow in the background—
soft at first, then it will rise and rise
until it will hit just the right frequency
as the fillings in my teeth. The fillings will buzz
into my mind, creating a whole new kind
of sound that will nearly drown the screams,
screams that will draw everyone outside.
Screams that will draw everyone down
to the East River. Dread Cthulhu himself
will rise from the waters intent
on destroying New York City as his conquest.
His first target will be Lady Liberty.
He’ll break our spirits by breaking that monument.
A bright flash will appear in the sky,
only, it won’t go away, that flash, bright
as the sun, and Gregorian, rag-time hymns
will drown the alien frequency buzzing
through our fillings and into our minds.
A spiritual subway car will fly out
of that perpetual flash, carrying
Jackie Robinson and Babe Ruth from Heaven.
Those two legendary swingers will leap
out of that spiritual subway car and swing away
with their holy baseball bats of righteousness.
Cthulhu won’t stand a chance. Those sluggers
will slug dread Cthulhu back to the depths
chunk by battered chunk, and I’ll head back
to the Brooklyn Center for Fiction
and finish working on some story or other.

Top 10 gushing, joyful, affirmative takeaways from last night's Yankee win, ranked.

1. We won.

2. Verdugo & Soto may have finally lifted the Yankee LH bat curse. Soto should soon hear "MVP" chants. You can sense Verdugo thriving in NYC.

3. Luis Gil's ERA now 2.92 (not far from Gerrit Cole's 2.63 last year.)

4. Signs of primordial life - 6 for 19, 6 RBIs - in Yankee Zone of Death (yellow.) 

5. Garbage can lids banging on Justin Verlander's career. (Also, Li'l Jose 0-for 3 with two Ks, lifted in late innings.)

6. Fun to watch Astros writhe after driving fouls into their legs.

7. Yanks now 5-0 this year against their biggest modern era nemesis. 

8. No Yankees participated in Met Gala. (Did Cashman go undercover as Zendala?) 

9. Astros now 2nd worst record in AL (after White Sox abomination.) Will  they return to successful tanking strategy? (If so, Verlander will be cheap at deadline.)

10. Rangers/Flyers Bruins and Knicks/Celtics could boil NYC-Boston rivalry before Yanks/Redsocks finally face each other (June 14.)

Haiku Joe

 

Top 10 cheerful, upbeat, happy talk positives from the Yankees three-game win streak, ranked.

1. We didn't lose.

2. Possess 5th best record in MLB.

3. Did this without Gerrit Cole. (Back in mid-June? Wait? That's just next month!)

4. Did this with Aaron Judge - "Captain Ejection" - in slump. 

5. Judge slump might be ending. (.355 over last nine games, has raised BA 30 points, to .220.)

6. Impossibly, Juan Soto has lived up to NY hype.

7. Yank starters have lasted at least 4 innings in every game. (Tied with Baltimore.) Bullpen better off than other teams. 

8. Clay Holmes = MLB's best closer.

9. Luis Gil (ERA: 3.19) has pitched like ace.

10. In months to come, Kahnle, Effross, Trivino, Brubaker (escapee from prison) should boost staff. 

BONUS: Yanks' "signature" beer brewed near Syracuse.
 

Note: If we lose to Astro cheats, disregard all above.

Top 10 positive takeaways from Sunday's victory, ranked.

1. We won.

2. Rainout - 51-degrees, steady downpour - required only 8 innings. (Resting Clay Holmes.)

3. Zone of Death (in yellow) went 4-15, scored twice.

4. Aaron Judge - aka "Captain Fury" - not ejected.

5. Nestor ERA now at 3.72.

6. No injuries. (Reported.)

7. Full day off to savor sweep.

8. Soto kidded as "Juan Solo" for Star Wars promotion. (Hope he laughed.)

9. Oswaldo plays 1B for first time: two hits, RBI double, no errors.

10. Yanks now 10 games over .500. Cheating Astros - rightfully tied for last in AL West - on the way. 

Top Ten Positive Takeaways from Saturday's win, ranked

 Top 10, uh, what it sez in the headline, fer Kricesake...

1. We won.

2. Zone of Death (in yellow) went 6-16, drove in all 5 runs.

3. Instead of partying, Verdugo changing diapers.

4. Luke Weaver finally avenges Yanks v Tigers 2002 trade for Jeff Weaver. 

5. Team not rattled by name of obvious juju nemesis, "Casey Mize."

6. First time in career, Judge shows fury over home plate ump calls. 

7. Postgame analysis shows Yanks got favorable strike zone from home plate ump. 

8. Right now, Clay Holmes is unhittable.

9. Stanton inability to sprint only cost team one infield hit.

10.  Nobody got hurt. (As far as we know.)

Is the Boone bot going rogue?

 

So let me get this straight:

Aaron Boone nailed down the first Yankees win this week by using Clay Holmes for a five-out save.

Aaron Boone sparked last night's Yankees win by having New Daddy Verdugo actually BUNT???

Up in Brian Cashman's invulnerable command lair—why ARE the command lairs never actually invulnerable in any West World concoction, on TV or the big screen?—there must be serious consternation. Could it be that Boone is going rogue? 

What's next? Will the HAL bot actually misfunction and re-sign Soto?

I don't know.  But I like it, like it, like it...

"The offense wakes up, and they walk it off!"

Michael Kay made the call, and the Yankees showed their first signs of life since Houston. 

The Top Ten Positive Yankee news, ranked.

1. We won.
2. Judge started off the rally.
3. Verdugo made a great bunt.
4. Giancarlo!
5. Rizzo finished it.
6. We beat a decent team. 
7. We didn't squander Stroman's outing.
8. DJ still coming back.
9. Nobody watched the Baltimore series, because of the Knicks.
10. Nobody shot a puppy.

Still, it was not long ago - 2019, in fact - when we used to handle Baltimore. In case you forgot... 

Ah, but we were so much older then,

We're younger than that now.

Main takeaway from the first Orioles series: It's another year of chasing the Wild Card

This week, in need of a psychic boost, the Death Barge visited its summer playground for most of the last 20 years - the sad, downtrodden city of The Wire -  known for drugs, gangs, a shitty baseball team and easy Yankee victories.  

Surely, they expected things to be the same: Omar shooting drug dealers, Stringer Bell manipulating the cartels, and Detective Jimmy McNulty on their tails. 

Well, Toto, we're not in 2008 anymore. Omar is dead, Stringer Bell is now Detective Luther, McNulty somehow morphed into Prince Charles and the Orioles own not only the AL East, but the Yankees, too.  

Listen: It's too early for hopelessness. The month of May is barely here, and we still sprout the 7th best record in baseball. Tonight, we host Detroit, a city touting its own rebirth, with the AL's 4th winningest record. Maybe we'll show them Who's The Boss (in the Tony Danza sort of way.)  

But that chance to kick Baltimore in the gonads...? It's over. We blew it. We won't play the O's again until June 18, and by then, the fate of the Yankees in the AL East might be written, filmed and headed straight to home video. 

Once again, despite outspending their divisional rivals, the Yankees will chase the Wild Card in 2024. And they'll be happy to skip future trips to Camden Yards, which used to be so welcoming.

We just came within an Oswaldo Cabrera HR of being swept. We scored six runs in four games. We botched rallies, hit into DPs, ran ourselves out of innings and threw to the wrong base. We were lucky to go 1-3 in a week when nobody was watching. 

In the young season, the week began as MLB's premier match-up - the two best records in the AL. 

And we never tallied one tabloid back page. Not one. Nope.

The city of NY is drunk and stoned on the Knicks, an electrifying team of ascending stars that could go all the way. They'll definitely hold NYC's attention for at least the next week, because, well, how do I put this nicely...?

Nobody gives a fuck about when DJ LeMahieu will return. 

Nobody expects Giancarlo Stanton to return to form.

Nobody cares about Gleyber Torres anymore. 

The Yankee show is a dud - an old rerun that has run its course. Already, it's hard to watch. So now, we're in another Wild Card chase, eh? Yeesh. 

What channel is running the professional Cornhole League?