Demon Seed of the Year: Ingrate Denard Span Hits His Own Mom With Foul Ball

Barely a month before Mothers Day, too.

Identity of Federal Undercover Agent who Cracked Dangerous Christian Militia Remains Closely Guarded Secret

Phil Hughes to receive prestigious April 15 YANKEE TAX PROTEST DAY start

The Yankees today announced that Phil Hughes will throw out the first pitch at the annual YANKEE TAX PROTEST DAY, April 15, when fans carrying crazy-ass signs or festooning their bodies with bizarre slogans will receive an extra 4% surcharge on the price of concessions.

Hughes became 5th starter after besting Joba Chamberlain (now in bullpen), Alfredo Aceves (in therapy), Sergio Mitre (in limbo) and Chad Gaudin (in Oakland.)

The TAX DAY game is against the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles, California.

Eat this, Michelle Obama: Trenton Thunder to add Mozzarella Sticks in 2010

Our Double A affiliate apparently didn't get the memo. Announced today:

"The Grille"... will once again be home to Chickie's and Pete's and their world famous Crab Fries. Chickie's and Pete's has added Mozzarella Sticks to their menu this season... Italian Sausages, Pork Roll Sandwiches, Cheese Steaks, California Burgers, Bratwursts and more.

And let's not forget the the Thunder Burger Challenge.. 

"in which they have a half hour to eat chef John Caiola's monster creation featuring pork roll stuffed grilled cheese sandwiches serving as the buns for 16 ounces of beef with all the fixings. The $15 burger is free if eaten in the allotted 30 minutes."

Letter to the Editor: Reno needs Yankees!

Reno Gazette-Journal (Nevada)
March 21, 2010 Sunday

I read with interest a letter to the editor of the sports section asking for more coverage of the San Francisco Giants and less coverage of the Arizona Diamondbacks. That's a great idea....

And while we are at it, my friends Evan and Scott follow the Seattle Mariners and would like more coverage of them...My brother-in-law Steve grew up in New York and would love to see more coverage of the Yankees and Mets here in Reno. Since the RGJ is not in San Francisco, Colorado, Seattle, Los Angeles, or New York, good basic coverage of all the teams is appropriate.

Lynn Ault, Reno

I'm hoping Phil Rizzuto's estate sues these people

It's wrong. That's all. Wrong.

We have isolated the targeted districts

We must bomb them. We must kill them. We must pull the trigger on their deaths.

I speak metaphorically, of course.

We do not want to physically harm our American League opponents, but merely exercise our freedom to stomp our spiked heels upon their home plates, to march around their inner bases and crush them in the free marketplace of diamond competition.

Open Letter to Bud Selig: Change your policy on switch-pitchers now

Dear Madam or Sir,

That day two years ago, when you ruled against switch-pitchers, was your rug too tight?

One professional pitcher in the universe throws from both sides. His name is Pat Venditte. He pitches for the Yankees. He may never make the majors. There may never be another. And yet -- when it came to choosing between him and a routine switch-hitter... your decision favored the hitter.

Venditte must declare which side he'll throw from -- giving the switch hitter an advantage.

CHANGE THE RULE, NOW.

Yesterday, Venditte -- a Single A pitcher -- made his debut at spring training, instantly becoming the most intriguing story in baseball. Several hitters into his outing, up came a switch-hitter -- who nobody will bother to remember. Then your rules took over, and Venditte had to declare his side, giving the hitter the advantage. 

This is absurd. Do you want to rid baseball of something unique. What is the point? To save time? THERE'S ONE SWITCH-PITCHER IN ALL OF BASEBALL; HOW MUCH TIME ARE WE GOING TO SAVE?

CHANGE THE RULING, NOW.

When once-in-a-generation switch pitcher comes along, good grief, GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

Or course, I am forgetting one thing: Common sense must be thrown overboard when Yankees are involved. And every ruling must go against the Yankees.

Who was your advisor, George Mitchell?

Yankee or not, he could be one of the great stories in sports. And yet, you favor the hitter?

Sixteen point five million dollars a year, folks. That's what he's paid.

Redsock Superprospect Daniel Bard is on fire!!!!

Let's save ourselves the hassle and concede.

What a horrible thing to do to a team: Yankees get visit from Olympic Gold Medalst, but it's not Lindsey Vonn

Can you imagine the excitement when they heard an Olympian was coming? The perked ears! The bounce in the step! The extra dash of Right Guard anti-perspirant. Every one was locked into his batting stance: Lindsey Vonn!

And then some sprinter, who cares what his name is, shows up and gives the yatta-yatta-yatta about staying hungry and going for the gold -- when the real information he could give would concern masking agents for drug tests: Hopefully, they got face-time later for some in-depth communications.

Olympian sprinters?

We are torturing our World Champion Yankees.

The Republican Party is going to bondage clubs, while we play SkeeBall.

Wake up, Yankee Nation. We will not win the pennant with sprinter speeches and Pacman points.

Spotlight on our man in Sioux Falls Scott Gullickson

Argus Leader (Sioux Falls, South Dakota)
March 22, 2010 Monday

As the new chairman of the Downtown Sioux Falls board of directors, Scott Gullickson wants to continue to improve downtown and make it as good as it can be. Gullickson also is the vice president, business banking manager at First Premier Bank.

Question: What are your goals as the new chairman of the Downtown Sioux Falls board?

Answer: To continue on with the strategic plan that was put in place and just to continue to improve and make downtown as good as it can be.

Q: What do you do for fun?

A: I love to golf and like to do pheasant and deer hunting in the fall.

Q: If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?

A: Abe Lincoln - because I think he did such a great job in some of our country's most difficult times; Warren Buffett - to get investment advice and discuss economic issues; and Derek Jeter - because he's the N.Y. Yankees' team captain and I'm a huge Yankees fan.

Q: What's your favorite place to travel to?

A: Somewhere warm with sand.

WE HAVE AN OUTPOST IN SOUTH DAKOTA!

YANKEE FANS!
WINNING HEARTS AND MINDS
ACROSS AMERICA

Large Hadron Collider today will seek to recreate 2005 collision between Bubba Crosby and Gary Sheffield

Something about solving the mystery of the universe:

How did we lose that goddamm playoff series to Anaheim? Yeesh. The Chicago Whitesocks won the World Series that year? With Jose Contreras. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

Well, the truth is this.

The umps screwed us. Everybody knows.

Ask Mike Mussina about the walk to Steve Finley on a 3-2 count, which the entire world knows was a strikeout, but it was called ball four. Ask Mike Mussina.

We have to spend $10 billion on a collider, because we don't want to hear the truth?

Yankeetorial: With its bondage-club pride, the Republican Party is channeling great Yankee teams from the past

In February, the Yankees enjoyed a male-bonding excursion to a Tampa fun arcade, where the players drank cherry colas, played whack-a-mole and tried to pick up the 16-year-old girls selling tokens. Last year, they bowled. Next year, surely, a round of Putt-Putt looms.

Something has gone terribly wrong in the universe.

What would Babe Ruth say to these Yankees? "Next round of Skee-ball is on me, boys?"

Did Billy Martin get into a fight at the Copa so modern Yankees could improve their Ms. Pacman scores?

Whatever happened to A-Rod being King of the Strip Clubs?

HAS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY STOLEN OUR GREAT YANKEE PRIDE FROM THE PAST?

Exhibit A: The new GOP sex scandal.

According to reports, rather than wasting money on paperclips from OfficeMax, the GOP central command spent $2,000 at a quality sex bondage club. That's probably four handcuff dances and a whipping. That's a scandal? Four measily handcuff dances and a whipping?

The Yankees of old traded families. Whitey, Mickey and Billy were known as the Unholy Trio for the amount of booze they could consume.

The Republicans are acting more like a major league baseball champions than the champions themselves.

What are we going to tell our children?

Jim Bunning is out on a Viagra-hazed bondage-binge, and look -- here's Nick Swisher's newest quilt?

Time to put up or shut up: 10 Yankee predictions for 2010

Commentators, readers, children of all ages... Lay down your Mothman prophesies...

It is time to separate the true prophets from those fools who are blinded by bloggery egoism.

10 PREDICTIONS MADE BY ME, EL DUQUE, ON THIS STAR DATE: MARCH 30, 2010.

1. The Yankees will finish in second place in the American League East. They will not win the Wild Card and they will not play in the post-season. This is because Baltimore and Toronto will be much improved. (The Jays didn't, as has been popularly reported, give Halladay away for nothing.) As a result, the AL East will be one tough somebich division. And second place will not offer a Wild Card.

2. Johnny Damon will hit more home runs and bat higher than Curtis Granderson, who nevertheless will have a fine season and be popular in New York. It will not be Granderson's fault that the Yankees fail to make the post-season. But Damon, as a point of personal pride, will make sure his numbers exceed the man wrongly viewed to be his replacement.

3. Mariano Rivera will pitch into August, then break down from age, and the Yankees will not have an adquate closer. If you saw me now, you would see tears in my eyes as I write these terrible words. But it can't go on forever. He will tweak a muscle or something will fail, and when Mariano is not right, our whole team is not right. Who is going to replace him? Joba? Maybe someday. Not this year.

4. The Yankees will trade Jesus Montero and Brett Gardner for Carl Crawford at mid-season. The trade will backfire, as Crawford suffers adjustment pains in New York, and then, they have nobody to deal for a relief pitcher, down the stretch. But Jesus Montero will face growing pains at Triple A, when smart baserunners steal on every pitch. It will affect his hitting, and the Yankees will have no place for a DH. Tampa will be looking to trade Carl Crawford, and the Redsocks will be sniffing, and there will be no middle ground. Worse, we won't just give up Montero and Gardner. It will also cost at least another top prospect. Yeow.

5. Javier Vasquez will pitch well for the Yankees, with an ERA of about 4.40; but he will not be offered a contract at the end of the season. It was never in the cards. They only traded for him because he was one-and-out. I don't know how this will affect him, but I think he will give his heart and soul for this team, trying to win back fans who will never forgive him. He won't get a shot at post-season redemption, and then he will be gone.

6. A-Rod will have the first off-year of his career, and questions will surround the future of his hip and the past of his bloodstream. He grew tired last year and really lost his swing for a while. Because of the great post-season he had, and that last game, when he drove in a pile of meaningless runs, we forget the ebbs and flows of his year. Also, he won't have Hideki Matsui behind him in the order. We took Matsui for granted last year. We'll miss him more than we think.

7. John Lackey will lead the Redsock pitching staff and become a notorious Yankee killer. He is a great pitcher and competitor, the closest to a Teixeira-type mentality that was on the market. I said it in December: Cashman is trying what Theo Epstein attempted in 2009 -- to be too clever with his tinkering and outsmart everybody. The Penny/Smoltz/Baldelli/et al follies blew up in Epstein's face, even though, just like Cashman's moves this year, they were roundly cheered by the "experts." This may be the year Cashman learns his lesson: If you got the cards, lay them down.

8. Nick Johnson will hit .300 and 20 home runs, but with nagging injuries to other key Yankees, his fulltime DH presence will prove a poor fit, and he will end up platooned. We will often lament the fact that he is slow on the bases, and we will look for a base-stealing benchplug, a Freddie Guzman, for the late innings, which will mean having to pare our outlandishly large pitching staff down to 11 or 10. This is the folly of a full-time DH on an old team.

9. Joba Chamberlain and Phil Hughes will pitch hot and cold, finishing the season as question marks for the 2011 rotation. Seriously, can you imagine either of them ever being a sure thing? Even though it seems as if they must be pushing 30, they are still years away from their prime. That's because we long ago began marketing them as future stars. Hell, we treat them as if they are all-stars. We turned them into china dolls. They'll come of age around 28, and I think they'll be good. But that's two-three years away. Question: Will they still be Yankees? Or will we be sick of them?

10. Kei Igawa will return to Japan by the All-Star break. Everybody wants him gone. It was amazing that he was one of the first slobs cut from spring camp. He must have been awful. First, they announced that he would get a looksee as a situational lefty. Then he had a fine 1-2-3 outing. Then he got tagged. And then he was gone. No word yet on whether he'll be a starter in Scranton. But really, can you imagine them paying all that money to a situational lefty out of the bullpen in Triple A? Nahhh. He's gone.

Take it to Vegas and bet the house.

I'm laying it out folks. How about you?

Letter to the Editor: What was Johnny Damon thinking?

Buffalo News (New York)
March 21, 2010 Sunday

To the Editor,

Johnny Damon is amazing, truly incredible. What in the world was the new Tigers outfielder thinking when he turned down the Yanks offer for two years at $14 million only to settle for a one-year deal for $8 million with Detroit? He shortchanged himself.

After playing 15 seasons, wouldn't one think it's about World Series rings and titles more than another few million dollars? How much more is needed for these athletes to enjoy life? Obviously it's a necessity when they choose a team that has not won a title since 1984, and in this case, snubbing the best of all time. The Yankees have won only five rings since the last Motown celebration.

Who would you rather play with, Jeter or Guillen, Posada or Laird, Inge or Arod, Cabrera or Teixiera? Best wishes to John Damon, who most likely will be golfing come early October instead of chasing what most players should covet, a chance for immortality playing for the finest sports team in the history of organized athletic competition, one that is gunning for its 28th World Series championship.

Joseph V Zanghi
Buffalo

Tex beaning puts by Orioles' Guthrie in IIH Crosshairs

Mark Teixeira exited Monday's game against the Orioles after being hit in the right elbow by Jeremy Guthrie.

Teixeira looked in obvious pain and slammed his helmet to the ground in frustration.

See this map? Them crosshairs are where Jeremy Guthrie lives.

Maybe the IT IS HIGH Tea Party Truth Squad should hold a rally in his town. You in?

APOLOGIZE, CANADA, NOW! Those dirty Canuks called Ann Coulter a "Yankee bigot"

No wonder the Blue Jays shelled out to get that Latino shortstop last week. They hate us worse than we thought.

According to the wire services, those deraged, beer-poisoned, hockeyheads think Ann Coulter pitches for the Yankees.

Check this out:

Protesters carried signs and banners letting the right-wing Coulter know what they thought of her.

"Yankee bigot go home"; "Ottawa didn't want you, neither do we"; "Racists not welcome"; and "You aren't controversial, just plain stupid" were just a few of the messages.

Ann Coulter is a Met. Don't they know that?

The worst that could happen

She-Fan is on it.

Kitty up for Emmy

Jim Kaat has been nominated for Outstanding Sports Personality in the Sports Event Analyst category -- against (pictured left to right) Phil Simms (CBS), Tim McCarver (FOX), Cris Collinsworth (NBC), Jon Gruden (ESPN) and Jeff Van Gundy (ABC).

.

I know what you're asking: Where the hell is John?

.

Well, it's TEEVEE, not radio. TEEVEE. If they gave Emmys for radio, John would win an Oscar.

.

Of course, this doesn't explain the missing Dick Button. And let's face it: These Bozos are only holding the statue until possum-skinner Tony Kubek returns naked from the wilderness to reclaim his rightful throne.

BUT HEAR ME, YOU EMMYLOU HARRIS COMMITTEE MEMBERS -- AND HEAR ME WELL...

.

If Tim McCarver wins... well... I'm not saying anything publicly, because I don't want the FBI Swat loonies knocking down my door with their hydraulic, 500-pound artificial penis. But let's just say, wink-wink, that Alphonso might have to "send the judges a little message," so to speak, if you catch my drift and read between the lines, eathday otay udgejays ownay...

Ohio Senator: "Rooting for the Redsocks is like rooting for the drug companies."

They said it, not us. On Wednesday's, MSNBC "MORNING JOE," between regular denoucinations of the Yankees. Let's go to the videotape.

MIKA BRZEZINSKI: Joining us now live from Capitol Hill, Democrat from Ohio and member of the Senate Banking Committee, Senator Sherrod Brown.

JOE SCARBOROUGH: And an Indians fan, Barnicle tells us. Barnicle, do you want to ask the Indians fan the first question?

MIKE BARNICLE: Well, no, because they have low scale on their payroll. I don't want to upset him; it's too early in the morning.

SCARBOROUGH: Why? You mean -- is he going to have to suffer through another bad Indians season?

BARNICLE: I think so.

SHERROD. BROWN: You know, Joe, Barnicle needs to understand, rooting for the Red Sox is like rooting for the drug companies. I mean --

BRZEZINSKI: Oh, wait a minute!

SCARBOROUGH: That's the Yankees!

BROWN: They steal players --

SCARBOROUGH: You can't say that!

BROWN: Yeah, well, the Yankees -- the Red Sox have become a lot like the Yankees.

WILLIE GEIST: Thank you. That's correct.

BROWN: They're this big machine. Their fans are a little bit -- just a little bit over the edge, so that it's just uncomfortable for the rest of us. Joe Morgan --

BARNICLE: Senator, your version --

BROWN: Well, wait a second. Joe Morgan said on TV one time, he said baseball's the greatest sport ever because the owners have tried to ruin it for 100 years and it's still a great sport.

And when the Red Sox and the Yankees act that way, it's just -- you know. Anyway, back to business.

GEIST: Sorry about that.

BARNICLE: Senator, I saw you sit one night in Fenway Park, right across from me, a Red Sox-Yankees game.

BROWN: I know. Miserable. It was miserable.

BARNICLE: And you were rooting hard for the Red Sox.

BROWN: No, no, no, no. (Laughter.) It was a Red Sox- Indians game.

SCARBOROUGH: Yes, you were.

BROWN: It was when you guys knocked Cleveland out of the playoffs. It was a Red Sox-Indians game, Barnicle. So get your story right. I never would go to a Red Sox-Yankee game because I wouldn't know what to do, except eat. (Inaudible) -- so I just have to eat popcorn.

A Yankee and a Gentleman: Mothman Richard Gere manages the Yankees for a day

At last, the Billy Crystal Yankee Celebrity Spring Training Era has ended.

Liverpool, NY-native Rchard Gere quit his guru Sunday and managed the Yankees.

Gere is a big Yankee fan, along with Brad Pitt, Robert De Niro, Jack Nicholson and anybody who is anybody.

Henry Kissinger? Yankee fan.

Joe Lieberman? Yankee fan.

Jerry Springer? Yankee fan.

Ari Fleischer? Yankee fan.

Lady Gaga? BIG Yankee fan.

We own the U.S. celebrity market.

Never forget it. And the Mothman prophesizes a Yankee pennant in 2010!

Letter to the Editor: "I am constantly annoyed ... by cats, right-wing Republicans and Yankee fans..."

Anchorage Daily News (Alaska)
March 21, 2010 Sunday

Dear Editors,

I was saddened and angered to read that Lowell Mueller felt justified in shooting from his window and killing a neighborhood Chihuahua. I was even more saddened and angered by the overwhelming support Mueller received in the comments section on adn.com.

There has long been a proven link between cruelty to animals and cruelty to human beings (see americanhumane.org for more information). I shudder to think what might happen if a noisy kid wanders by the yard of some of those posters on adn.com -- or happens to be in the line of fire while they're taking potshots at poodles.
I am constantly annoyed and/or harassed by cats, right-wing Republicans and Yankees fans but it never occurred to me to take a shot at any of them.

Folks, you can call animal control, call the dog's owner or even scoop up the furball and take him to the pound yourself. A nuisance dog is just that: a nuisance. He doesn't deserve to die.

Ed Brandt
Anchorage

Yankees launch bizarre symbolic death-via-paintball bonding-ritual, with sportswriters

This had to be like one of those touchy-feeling bonding experiences: When that sportswriter one day has to write the truth about Girardi's bad decision, will he be able to stare directly into the eyes of the man who saved his life -- and do what needs to be done?

Next year, maybe they'll pass rattlesnakes.





Pictured, left to right, are: Bern Baby Bern, Whitey Fraud, Mons Meg and Jason Zillo.

It's time to take nominations for March Yankee Employee of the Month

Jon Weber? (Great spring for invisible player)

Phil Hughes? (Won coveted fifth starter role)

Joe Girardi? (Still never been honored)

Javier Vasquez (peace offering?)

Chad Gaudin (Continue tradition of awarding out-the-door players)

Jesus Montero (The Moosic Messiah)

New Attendance Record For Joker

On a perfect Florida afternoon, one slightly tipsy Alphonso submitted his General Admission ticket to the senior citizen attendant, a former Lehman Brothers partner now working in Lakeland, Florida, and entered the Detroit Tigers baseball facility for the 1:05 game against the Yankees.

The green lights began flashing, bells rang, and confetti dropped from the rafters. Alphonso was the 10, 245th attendee yesterday, breaking a 45 year record for the largest crowd ever at the fabled, Joker Marchant Stadium.

After receiving a 2.5 liter tiger paws plastic cup full of diet strawberry soda, and a coupon for a smoked turkey leg, I settled into a backless seat on a football field length aluminium bench. I was surrounded by refugees from the "Supersize Me" movie about McDonalds, and their 2000 calorie big boy burgers.

This was a special day at the ballpark for some or all of the following reasons;

1. Austin Jackson led off for Detroit and is, apparently, their starting centerfielder. He didn't do anything memorable either at the plate or on defense. But he will.

2. Johnny Damon received a huge ovation from the Yankee fans who had made the road-trip for the game. He also showed he can still hit AJ Burnett, as he scorched a double off the RF wall.

3. We got to see Joba in his first relief appearance ( he closed out the 2-1 game in the ninth ) since Phil Hughes was named the fifth starter. He gave up two base hits, got some help with a double play, and struck out the last dude. His velocity was 91-94 on the gun, which was not the Joba we all remember.

This did not compare well with some monster Detroit reliever ( name?), who had hit 101 on the gun while striking out the side an inning or two earlier.

4. D. Robertson was his usual. Electric stuff; a lead-off hit; no problem. No runs.

5. Even Chan Ho was good enough. A little shaky but he got out of jam he created.

6. I still think that Brett Gardiner can't hit. I have seen 8 of his at bats now in two games, and he walked once, I think. Yesterday, he struck out and then hit into two identical outs. Both were high choppers to first base, about one foot off the bag. No zing, no pop, not a solid contact with the ball even on a foul. Nothing. Nada.

El Duque will tell you that we need to give him a few weeks of playing everyday to find his groove. Duque is often right about these things. My personality requires that I continue to drink whenever there is a good bar nearby, and denegrate the player in hopes that I shall be humiliated for my hasty judgements.

7. I still like this Laird kid at third base. He has a great arm, is a good defender ( though yesterday he was saved by Nick Johnson on a low throw to first, and couldn't hold on to a throw from Pena on a guy advancing to third...but it was a major collision and a tough, tough play).

8. Randy Winn ( is that his name?) looks like he will be useful for the year. He made several fine catches in a horrible and tricky wind yesterday in right field, and threw out a dude trying to score from second on a single to RF.

Last night at the bar, we met Gabe Paul's daughter ( Gabe used to own the Yankees for those senior citizens among us ) who has written a book
called, " Yankee Princess ," or some such. It is due out in two months. She had plenty of fascinating tales to share from the era of Mickey, Billy, and the boys.

I'd like her to meet She-Fan who remains my author of choice for Yankee lore.

Am worried about possible rain-out today in Tampa, but I'll be there.

Yankee SuperProspect Christian Garcia Pondering Which Body Part to Injure in 2010

The scouts aren't the only people who love Yankee pitching phenom Christian Garcia: So do the doctors.

Garcia missed most of last year, and most of practically every year since signing with the Yankees back when George Bush seemed a one-term president.

We need this guy. Imagine the 2012 battery:

Christian pitching to Jesus.

Ha ha. Anyways, most recently, a scout for the prestigious AOL Funhouse watched Christian pitch and came away raving at how he made a monkey out of Jayson Werth. (Yes, the same Werth that we couldn't get out last October.)

As Jayson Werth learned on Wednesday, working out with the Phillies' Double-A squad, Garcia has the type of curveball that's close to unhittable even if you are expecting it in an 0-2 count. Werth struck out swinging twice against Garcia, both on breaking balls following high fastballs that he also swung through. His curveball grades out easily as a 7 pitch on the 2-8 scale.

Garcia has hurt practically every body part thus far, and there is little left for medical science to replace.

So what could Garcia hurt in 2010?

The spleen.
Gall bladder.
Hammerhead toes.
Mental.

We're thinking dementia would be the perfect career capper. It can't just be routine mental. He's gotta do show up wearing a cop uniform or something. If Garcia can do that, he can go down in baseball history as one of the greatest set of injuries ever to not play the game.

Anyways... let's hope he doesn't catch a cold.

Celebrity Gossip Site Scores Stunning Scoop about Yankee rings

Must have been a slow day for Lindsay Lohan.

The Baseball Season is Almost Here: What a Wonderful World

This guy is hereby appointed the official musical director of IT IS HIGH.

Yanks Give Out Xanax to Fans

The Yankees showed their offensive might last night, with four scorching singles spread out over nine innings.

Marcus Thames, our youngest 35 year-old outfielder, hit a sharp single to left in his first at bat, raising his Yankee spring average to a nearly even .090. Another slugger was J. Weber who started a no run rally in the ninth. Too bad, earlier J. Weber dropped a soft liner at first to allow a 2 run inning for the Phillies.

Despite the fact that the Yanks never got a runner as far as second base, there were several medium fly balls to the outfield, usually struck on the first or second pitch. I think the game took about an hour and a half.

Nonetheless, the Yankees improved by more than 50% over their previous shut-out loss to the Orioles. The shut-out loss to the Phillies was 3-0 vs. a more ominous 8-0 to the Birds.

What we can take away is this:

1. The Yankees are ready for the real games to begin.

2. Phil Hughes threw more pitches in 3+ innings than Jamie Moyer did in 6 2/3. If Phil can ever find the plate, he'll be good. He looks good. Gets lots of K's and threw not one, fair gopher ball yesterday. He also got screwed by poor defense, and a little bit of umpire squeezing.

3. Zack Segovia, named after a sandwich at the Carnegie Deli on the west side of manhattan, looks like trade bait. Or maybe just bait.

4. Lot's of strange names remain as fodder. I think they are all the older full-time minor leaguers.

5. Mitre did well enough. Ring was looking good until an error and a walk undid him. We are really digging deep in order to have a second lefty for the bullpen.

6. Kei Igawa was send back to Scranton because he is still competing to be our 16th starter.

7. Mo was great in the 6th.

8. Someone named, A. Sanit pitched a 1,2,3 ninth. Is Sanit short for "garbage?" I hope not.

The bottom line is that MLB might as well begin the season, because this group is currently listless, uninterested and uninteresting to watch.

Off to Lakeland for Yanks-Tigers this afternoon. Bringing my own Xanax.

A-Rod, following lead of most Americans, denies having visited Buffalo

TAMPA _ Yankee slugger Alex Rodgriguez denied having visited the city of Buffalo Friday, calling the reports "a smear campaign" designed to cripple his cool-guy reputation with New York fans and undermine his chances with future Hollywood hook-ups.

"There was no meeting," Rodriguez told reporters.

Speculation had surrounded the Queen City trip since reports surfaced two weeks ago that he would meet federal investigators Friday to discuss his relations with a Canadian doctor. Sources said the meeting would involve dinner at a Tim Hortons and a brief tour of grain elevators.

Buffalo, the birthplace of grain elevators, has the largest collection of them in the world.

Rodriguez admitted a "personal interest" in grain elevators but cut short the interview when reporters questioned several other locations said to be on his itinerary.

"I'm not here to talk about the Penn Dixie Paleontological and Outdoor Education Center," he snapped. "I'm here to talk about baseball."

Asked if he were considering a trip to Batavia, Rodriguez declined further comment.

A new "Enter Sandman" theme for Mariano

The genius behind this is Andy Rehfeldt.

Dennis Hopper is very sick

Prostate cancer sucks, and that's what he's got. Advanced prostate cancer.

Today, they gave him a star in Hollowood. I say he deserves... a Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Phil Hughes Named March YANKEE FIFTH STARTER OF THE MONTH

Congratulations, Phil!

Note to Yankees: Central New York REALLY needs an Exhibition Win Today

Butler and Kentucky just ruined spring.

Is it too much to ask for one Yankee victory in spring training?

Is it wrong to simply want something positive?

Don't our Yankee children deserve at least an exhibition victory now and then?

First Five Episodes of "Sarah Palin's Alaska"

Sarah Palin yesterday was signed to host
a cable TV reality series called "Sarah Palin's Alaska."

Episode One: "Keeping Eskimo family values alive!"

Episode II: "The Alaskan economy means good-paying jobs."


Episode III: In Anchorage, it's "Anchors away!


Episode IV: "Before you have that abortion..."


Episode V: "Life in the Totalitarian Obama Police State."

And don't forget interviews with prominent Alaskan newsmakers.

Hot Tub Time Machine Plunges Yankees into Horrible 1980s

This is supposed to be a comedy?

Our 1987 pitching staff...

Our 1989 lineup.

No hot club time machine, thank you.

Live Blogging A-Rod's shuffle off to Buffalo

Alex Rodriguez is meeting with federal investigators in Buffalo today to discuss his relationship with a certain Canadian doctor. We asked Alex to tweet us throughout out the day, and he happily began chirping.

5:46 a.m.: Touchdown by private plane. Coming in, had an incredible view of Tonawanda!

8:15 a.m.: Wow. I didn't realize any city on earth could have so many beautiful women!

.

8:45 a.m.: Ouch! That hailstone had to be an inch-thick.

9:30 a.m.: The Goo Goo Dolls are from Buffalo? I didn't know that! They're Yogi's favorite band!

9:45 a.m.: Yeah! It's good to know this town has a station that plays classic rock!

10:00 a.m.: An IMAX theater!

10:39 a.m.: Damn. Not enough time to see the Buffalo Museum of Science. But, you know, when it comes to roaming those exhibits, there's never enough time.

.

10:50 a.m. Shoot. No time to visit Fredonia.

11:00 a.m.: OK, gotta get my game face on and meet with the feds. They look angry. I wonder if Kurt Russell got to them?

Noon. Lunch break. That early session was a nightmare. They did good-cop/bad cop. The bad guy kept bringing up the 2005 ALCS against Anaheim.

12:30 p.m.: Mm-mm. This beef on weck is delicious! I didn't realize you could get so much flavor from a boullion cube!

.

12:45 p.m.: Yowzer. I have never seen so many beautiful women in my life. Of course, I've always had a thing for trenchcoats.

1 p.m.: Back to the feds' meatgrinder. I hope that mean one doesn't blame me for Johnny Damon leaving.

2 p.m.: Whew. Thank God it's over. Now, I can get back to the business of baseball.

2:10 p.m.: At last, the Canadian Ballet! When in Buffalo, you want high culture!

On the day of his arrival: Let's do "Cashman Hears a Hughes" one more time

In the dead of December, the town of N.Y.
He was surfing the Internet site, IT IS HIGH,
He was knee deep in twitters, way late in the night,
When Cashman the G.M. said, “Something’s not right!”

He heard a small voice, like the squeak of a squawk.
“It’s Santana!” it said. “He has gone on the block!”
Then he heard it again, just a tiny sad groan,
Like some gas from the cheeks of Sir Sidney Ponson,
He untwittered his twitters and picked up the phone...

(Go for it...)

Yankeetorial: We should not play ball with socialist agenda of Redsocks

As Ben Franklin shouted, after Betsy Ross nearly trod upon his snake, "Unhand my liberty!"

In recent months, the Redsocks have been carping about Yankee spending on salaries to anyone who'll listen. They want baseball to be like pro wrestling, where everything is controlled by Connecticut-based Vince McMahon.

Enough is enough is enough!

Major League Baseball is broken. The owners aren't listening. The players aren't listening. The announcers aren't listening. The media is in on it, too. We are the greatest team in the world, and we should stop playing their game.

On opening day, the Redsocks will play to their own agenda, regardless of what we do. Their fans will cheer them and boo us. They'll get what they want.

IT'S TIME FOR REAL YANKEES TO STAND TALL.

DON'T PLAY THEIR GAME. HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH OPENING DAY.

THE YANKEE PEOPLE NEED SOLIDARITY.

WE NEED ALL 25 YANKEES, PLUS THE PLAYERS AT SCRANTON-WILKES BARRE, TO STAND FIRM AND NOT ACCEPT A PITCH.

WE WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SERIES IN BOSTON.

And by the way, the address for them is 4 Yawkey Way, just in case any of you would like to pay them a visit, leave a little calling card, so to speak... heh heh... you know what I mean, dammit. (BUT DON'T GET CAUGHT.)

Yankee Official Government News Agency Coming to Syracuse

YES Network, the Fox News Channel of the Yankees, will visit Syracuse University Friday, hopefully to offer budding future Gammonites the chance to see real reporting, rather than gutless Yankee sniping from faceless bloggers -- Superfrankenstein, I'm talking to you -- and the radio-faced print writers. (No, make that National Public Radio-faced reporters. Most print writers are too ugly even to grace the radio stage -- and that's superugly.)

Campus buzz is rising, especially in SU's famous Department of Sports Management, (pictured, right). The Yes-Men topic -- "The Yankees World Series Win" -- reveals the vast exploration of ideas and concepts that befits the $45,000-a-year college experience.

Likely behind the scenes anecdotes:

The night Hillary Clinton heckled Larry Holmes on "Center Stage with Michael Kay."

The special meaning of John Sterling's sailor suit.

Where the hell is Coney?

Welcome, YES.

Phil Hughes expected to receive Yankee Academy Award for Best Fifth Starter

The voting's been tabulated, and the winner is known only to Price-Waterhouse and Joe Girardi, but Yankee fans may learn today who has won the coveted Yankee Fifth Starter award.

The 92nd season of Yankee pageantry and ceremonies, to begin next week, has brought a sterling list of nominees, including Chad Gaudin (currently on location in Austrailia), Sergio Mitre, Joba Chamberlain, Alfredo Aceves, Phil Hughes -- the favorite --and Mickey Rourke (right).

The famous Blue Carpet will extend through downtown Tampa later today, and a host of former fifth starters -- including Wally Whitehurst, Andy Hawkins and Bob Shirley -- is expected to be one hand for the presentation. The actual fifth starter might not appear with the team until April 30.

EDWAR DEALTOakland gets the "wonder-change"

Edwar flies from Texas -- (Admit it: You didn't know he was with Texas) -- to the moneyball A's.







Says commenter THEBIG3CatBlueHoltz:

"This is the type of trade that makes total sense."

FOX NEWS ATTACKS YANKEES

This is typical: When he's busted, Doc Gooden is a former Yankee.

Hello?

I Will Burn Lady Gaga's Bra on TV at Yankee Game !

Be warned.

I am leaving for Tampa on Friday and will be at the games Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. If it rains, I'll be in a bar.

I have issued a challenge to Lady Gaga; " Show up for one of those games, meet me at the giant sausage stand, and I will remove and burn your bra behind second base in the bottom of the fourth inning."

I have figured out how to beat both the security team at George Steinbrenner Field, and to partially dis-robe her ladyship without her so much as noticing.

I have home made butane for the flame-up and a magician's escape plan. And it will be on TV, just like the Janet Jackson exposure. At minimum, I will light up You-Tube.

If Lady Gaga chooses not to show up, you'll know that Phil Hughes and Joba are not pitching well and that we really don't have a left-fielder.

In any case, you may expect detailed reports from Yankee land from your faithless servant.

Cheers.

WEDNESDAY MORNING MASSACREYanks Release 9 Minor Leaguers

Chris Malec, Seth Fortenberry, Mike Lyon, Isaac Harrow, Julian Arballo, Griffin Bailey, Buck Afenir, Dan Miller and Paul Heidler. Lohud has the bloody details.

This is good news

The Redsocks have signed Alan Embree for their bullpen.

Apparently, they lost out on Billy Traber.

Check out this quote, from pitching coach John Farrell.

“I wouldn’t say there’s a concern there.’’

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


(Updated 10:34: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.)

The five most intriguing dice rolls this season

FACE IT: Tex could tweak a gonad on April 4, leaving Juan Miranda to bat cleanup through the all-star break. Every team faces off-years and bone spurs.

But there are also the dice rolls -- the potential stars/craps -- who make or break a season. We have five.

1. Brett Gardner. If he craps, we play Thames and Wynn -- pros, but no poetry: Karim Garcia meets Rondell White. If Brett hits, he steals 50 bases, makes pitchers go Knoblauchy, and adds 20 points to Jeet's BA (which means batting crown?) If Gardner is constant, we win.

2. David Robertson. If he turns Veras on us, Joe just feeds arms to the bullpen until Andrew Brackman arrives, sometime in 2013. But if Robinson does well -- 8th inning bridge, the strikeout pitcher, innings eater -- we might even have Mo's replacement. He's our Daniel Bard. How good is Daniel Bard? Donno. Soon, we find out.

3. Francisco Cervelli. He can't hit worse than Moly. He's got the energy thing. He's got the eyes. We want him to backup Jorge until Jesus ascendiths, but that might never happen, as catcher. Jorge could need DH time. Right now, Austin Romine is just a Double A Cervelli. If Frankie evolves, he might anchor the Yankees for many more seasons than anybody suspects. Or not.

4. Sergio Mitre. No, I'm not kidding. Girardi loves this bum, and Girardi is no fool. Remember last year when Sergio pitched a no-hitter into the late innings, then got walloped by a line-drive? He never recovered. But considering his surgery, Mitre shouldn't even have been pitching last summer. He made a remarkable comeback, faster than the Melancons, the Brackmans, even Mickey Rourke. Gaudin is gone. Aceves is struggling. Mitre remains. Who knows? By May 1, he could be our fifth starter. No-hitter?

5. Phil/Joba. Yeah, it's a joke to still be rolling dice on these guys. Hughes had a fine 2009 but was still a disappoinment, compared to the hype. (Phil Franchise?) Joba remains the high-ceiling train-wreck. Who are these guys? Let's roll, find out, and end the speculation.

Alphonso makes an impression on John in Florida

Swish steals another one

Dah, dah, dah...

Boston opener showing Easter egg-face

It's only opening day.

It's only the World Champion Yankees.

Good seats still available.

The Scoop On Fifth Starter

When I used to work for a living, I was rarely rewarded for failure. If I had known better, I would have run an investment bank or a hedge fund.

I could even have worked in Congress, and started a war based on a made up story.

Instead, I am sitting at an Italian restaurant reading about how great Phil Hughes' outing was yesterday. On tv, it looked a bit different than the stories emanating out of Yankee Central.

His first pitch was drilled over the wall in left despite 40 mph winds blowing in. He did get out of a lead-off triple...or at least I know that a Phillie was on third with one out and did not score.

Then, two home runs later ( including the walk-off ), on fastballs down the middle, which moved nary a mille-fraction, we get a rash of Kudos for Phil, who pretty much locked up the fifth starting slot. Of course, he'll be on an innings count all year.

It helped, of course, that Joba could not get any of the AA players out in the intra-squad game across the way.

Now Chad is Gaudin, and Mitre sits waiting for an injury to a starter to show that he is the better choice.

I can't help but feel Phil has not progressed much. He reminds me of Ian Kennedy again.

I see him always giving up 4 runs in 5 innings. Usually on three dingers.

Can someone calculate the ERA?

And Joba will soon be setting up Dave Robertson, who will be setting up our lifeline.

Chad Sad... but now at least he can grow another Amish chin

Gaudin Gaudin Gaudin... GONE!

Oh, well, it's just another $2.95 million we could have used to keep Johnny Damon.

Actually, it's closer to $700,000 on a buyout, and who knows: Maybe we can trade him for the next Ron Klimkowski.

Besides, this guy needs to pitch for a team that allows facial hair.

A-Rod Coming to Buffalo in search of all-time Stupidest Baseball Player honor

Federal investigators, who are probing Alex Rodriguez' relationship with Canada, have found an out-of-the-way location to interview the Yankee star: the rural hamlet of Buffalo, N.Y., located near Rochester.

Weather permitting, the two sides will meet Friday to discuss whether A-Rod took performance enhancing drugs last year while in the national spotlight for having done so in the past.

If so, this would make A-Rod potentially the stupidest person ever to don a baseball uniform.

Yes, he would be stupider than Daffy Dean, Rabbit Maranville and the lineup of the 1904 New York Giants, who believed the white horses outside the Polo Grounds every night were an omen from God. (Their manager, John McGraw, had the horses appear, because he recognized that his players were incredibly stupid and would believe anything.)

This would make A-Rod stupider than Henry Cotto, who once broke his eardrum with a Q-Tip while sitting on the bench, and stupider than Cho-Cho Coleman, who once was asked on the Mets' post-game show where he got his colorful nickname, and he replied: "I don't know."

This would make A-Rod stupider than George Steinbrenner in the mid-1980s, when he dealt for John Mayberry and Omar Moreno.

Good luck, A-Rod!

We are losing

That may be a good thing.

Steve Chilcott, David Clyde, Brien Taylor, Jamie Hoffmann... another first-round pick bites the dust

Jamie Hoffmann, the last vestige of the Brian Bruney era, has been returned to the Dodgers.

He couldn't beat out Marcus Thames, who is hitting the dollar menu at McDonalds.

Oh, well...

You pick up shiny objects on the beach, and sometimes they are pearls.

Joe Mauer is a Twin for life, or four years, which is fine with me

Fact: The Yankees have never had a dynasty without a HOME GROWN catcher.

Look it up.

Bill Dickey. Yogi Berra. Elston Howard. Thurman Munson. Jorge Posada.

Home grown.

The wretched 1960s and 1980s? Matt Nokeses and Ron Hasseys.

This was one of the reasons why the trade of Dioneer Navarro seemed such a disaster. You don't want to give away the home grown, all-star catcher than might anchor your next boom period.

Everything considered, yesterday's news that Joe Mauer, age 27, has signed an 8-year, $184 million contract with the Twins -- is good for us.

Of course, he won't go the full eight years with Minnesota. One bad season, one injury, or one Twins' collapse, and the cheapskate franchise will peddle him to anybody that comes calling. There's no bigger wheeler-dealer in baseball than a small market team with a big market salary, and once Mauer stumbles, they'll blame him. So in four years, he might come on the market.

By then, Jesus Montero or Austin Romine must have taken the spot.

If he can catch, Jesus could be an all-star catcher.

Romine can catch, but he's not necessarily a cleanup hitter.

In four years, Jesus is 25, Austin is 26 -- top of their games.

Fact is, we have a ton of catchers in the minors. It's our best position, by far. Most will fizzle out. But at least now we don't have Joe Mauer towering over them.

The best high always comes from home-grown.

Jesus Banished to Scranton

The Scrantonites of the mines

and the Wilkes Barrians of thy cheap suburban codes,

shalt hath a new leader in the year 2010,

and His name shalt be Montero.

Joba and Hughes: Will they go through their careers competing with each other?

According to the Tampa pitter-patter, Joba Chamberlain wants to close someday, after Mariano Rivera hangs them up.

Of course, he has competition: Phil Hughes.

This spring, one will head north as the fifth starter, and one will be the primary bridge to Mariano -- at least for now.

Hughes gets to throw 150-170 innings this year. Theoretically, Joba could throw more, but not if he's the Bridge to Mariano.

Number 65 vs. Number 62.

This could be a career verson of Sergio Mitre vs. Chad Gaudin.

Bets, anyone?