NY Post Website Celebrates New First Couple

John's Back: 6.09-second Win Warble shows the Bomber Bleater can still bellow

John Sterling tonight brought his "Thuuuuuuuuugh" game to the Tarzan Turf of the new House that Ruthlessness Built, delivering a serviceable, workmanlike 6.09 second win warble.

He's getting his chops back.

Listen to The Master hold thuuuuuuuuuuuugh note. He clutches it. He makes love to it. He makes it his bitch. This is a man who can "Thuuuuuuuuuuuuugh."

All he needs to do is take a deep breath before crunching out the word, "Winnnnnnnnnn."

By June, he'll be reaching seven seconds.

Newer Selena Scoop: Arod Involved in Duke Lax Team Rape

New Selena Scoop: Arod Accused of Cow-Tipping

Did it as a Texas Ranger.

New Selena Scoop: Nine-year-old Arod stole pie from Mrs. McGruder's house

I Effing TOLD You YES Is A Sex Site

Maxim? Shirtless? FRANCESA?

Kimberly's live sex chat is archived here. For Francesaphile perverts only.

Selena Scoop: Arod had multiple DWIs while toddler

Selena Scoop: Arod Juiced as Infant

His hopscotch score went from 2 to 35 overnight.

Vote for Yankee of the Month.

One will win... and suffer.

Look how it helped Brett Gardner!

And certainly Jason Zillo enjoyed his four weeks of She-Fame.

Who's next?

When YES Doesn't Exactly Mean Yes

The front page of the Yankees' internet sex site, yesnetwork.com, features a clip from a naked video of someone named Nick Stripper. There must be a button you can click and pay $2,500 to watch the rest, but I can't find it on my WebTV and it's not something I feel comfortable asking the kids to figure out.

There's not much action anywhere else on the site today. Ken Singleton spent one night at home with his pretty sex-blogger wife and, from the sound of it, got nothing. Meanwhile, Kimberly Jones stowed away on the Yankees' Bang Plane, where old Phil Coke begged her for some sex act called a "fire drill." I don't even know what that is! Anyway, K-Jo brushed him off, preferring to leer at the under-24s and fantasize that "Joba and Hughes could be very, very good for each other" while letting Brian Bruney touch her keyboard.

This is not enough for the perverts who practically live at yesnetwork.com. They're actually starting to beg:




The Yankees need to fix this.

Lower Ticket Prices? What are we, the New York Yankees, driven by Cheap?

What's with this lowering of ticket prices?

Adam Smith would tell you that we're playing with fire. If we lower ticket prices, we can't afford pitchers. If we can't afford pitchers, we won't have people come to games. If nobody comes to games, we have to trade Derek Jeter.

What are thinking, lowering ticket prices.

We should be holding out, dammit. Does Scott Boras lower his demands to the Kansas City Royals? Hell, no. He says, pay up, you bastards. You want Aaron Small? Kiss the monkey!

And that's what we should be telling fans:

Listen, you poormouth, penny-pinching eany-weanies... you want quality baseball, dig a little deeper. Sell the jetski. Cancel the subscription to TV Guide. Don't give away your bottle deposits to the PTA. Buck up. We're in a pennant race. That means sacrifice. Do you think you grandparents cried when Yankee ticket prices rose because the team purchased Babe Ruth? Hell, no. They planted Victory Gardens. They recycled metal. They did what they had to do.

Now, we're being asked to give a little money for the team, for the tradition, for the future... and what do we hear: Crybabies. We're crying like Pittsburgh Pirate fans. Look at yourselves in the mirror, goddammat. If you want cheap seats, watch the Charleston Riverdogs. These are the Yankees, the most expensive baseball team on the face of the earth. Pay the money or get out.

Ian Kennedy Had a Vasospasm: Good grief. That's His Business and Nobody Elses

The tell-all media has gone too far.

We're now learning that Ian Kennedy in Scranton developed a vasospasm, and he'll be out for a while.

We wish him the best. And dammit, there's no stigma. We're all children under God. We should all be treated with a little respect now and then. So what if the guy has a vasospasm! Does that mean his good name has to be dragged through the gutters and broadcast over the airwaves?

Are all of you so perfect that you can sit in judgement of a guy with a vasospasm. He's only doing what's human. He's only being a guy. Ohhhh, but I can just see you readers, talking to each other on your cells and giggling like little girls, making fun of him. "Guess who's got a vasospasm." You're worse than the big construction clods who made fun of Don Notts in "The Ghost and Mister Chicken." And you know what happened to them? They were proven to be clods.

I for one give full support for Ian Kennedy, and I don't care what he does in his personal time. As long as he's not having vasospasms on the mound in Yankee Stadium, in front of rich children, he has a right to be himself. Whatever puts a smile on his face is OK with me, as long as it doesn't bother his wife, endanger youth and break any laws.

Leave him alone.

Wanted: A DeLorean Still Capable of 88 m.p.h.

Does anyone else miss him as much as me? I know, I know... He struck out a lot, and wasn't a good 2B, we got Cano now. But, we ended up needing OF, and still do (except for Swish, I love me some Swish). Imagine if Doc and Marty McFly showed up right now. What would you do?

Letters of Love by John Henry

And to think all those classless fans and sportswriters 205 miles to the north make fun of Our Boss?

John Henry, owner of the Redsocks, has allowed Boston Magazine to publish his letters of love (via electronic mail) to his new bride.

Here is the passage depicting the two lovebirds first encounter:

"Henry began the evening of June 6, 2008, as he did many nights since filing for divorce the previous year: out with the guys. He and Red Sox chairman Tom Werner, a fellow divorcé, met for dinner at Scampo at the Liberty Hotel, one of their favorite haunts. The third member of their party, nightclub owner Ed Kane, was delayed leaving his 25-year Harvard reunion. So to kill time they headed over to the adjacent Alibi bar, where Harley Bilzerian, daughter of Newbury Street boutique owner Alan Bilzerian, was celebrating her 30th birthday.

The shy, somewhat awkward Henry stood in the corner with Werner, who threw open his arms to hug two of Bilzerian's friends when they came over to say hello. The women were soon joined by a third. Her poise—not to mention her glossy dark hair, endless eyelashes, and ear-to-ear smile—made an immediate impression on Henry.

"John Henry is staring at you," Amy Belkin, daughter of developer Steve Belkin, told Pizzuti.

"Who's John Henry?" Pizzuti asked."

"Who's John Henry?"

From a Boston native. Pure example of who we're dealing with, when comparing fan bases.

Below 5-second Win Warble Signifies Trouble

Last night, we seemed to be coasting to victory. Mr. Sterling was preparing a dense, deep-throated win warble -- a Fourth of July, Wrath of Khan, Janis Joplinesque nuking of his vocal chords that would cap a two-game win streak.

And then -- well -- we won't bother to go into details. What came forth was a gasping, sad, Steven-Hawking-on-Nitol win warble of 4.78 seconds.

Four point seven eight seconds... barely the length of an Alphonso orgasm.

Is a win warble this short... a win warble at all?

Listen to this and decide for yourselves: Is this the win warble of a happy Voice of the Yankees, driven by Jeep?

Good News, Everyone

The New York Daily News has obtained a copy of Selena Roberts' book. She says he juiced as a Yankee.

Which would indicate some desire to win as a Yankee.

Which comes as a pleasant surprise.

Should We Bother to Learn to Spell the name Albaladejo?

Jonathan Albawhatever.

He comes into the 9th, and thank God we have a 7-run lead. He can't get three outs.

In fact, one of the two outs he managed was a shot to the outfield wall.

We end up using Mariano.

Repeat: We have a 7-run lead in the 9th, and we end up using Mariano.

A 7-run lead in the 9th... and we end up using Mariano.

Seven run lead in the 9th...

Mariano.

Seven. Nine. Mariano.

Done

For me, anyway. The rest of you are on your own.

CENSORED CENSORED Quote of the Day

Another comedic homerun by the Hero of Hudson Valley...

"Joba Chamberlain also needs to pitch. One good start by Hughes in April should not start the “We need Joba in the bullpen” nonsense. Who knew that Tyler Kepner was such a rabble-rouser?"

And that wasn't it, as the Lord of Lohud also pulled out of his arsenal:

"The Yankees lost four in a row and the fans wanted everybody fired. Then Phil Hughes pitched six shutout innings and now everybody wants to know what will happen when Chien-Ming Wang comes back.

Oh, heavens, they’ll have too many good pitchers.

What a dilemma.

Here’s a wild thought: Sit back and watch the game tonight and stop worrying about it.

Hughes pitched one game. Let’s wait a few starts before deciding that his being good is such a problem. Meanwhile, Chien-Ming Wang will throw 40 pitches to 17-year-old kids on Saturday. He’s not exactly racing up the interstate to the Bronx."

But for the sake of internet traffic (and my e-mail in-box), let’s say that Wang comes back in early June and Hughes is 4-1, 2.85. What then?"

He raises a very good point. What about when Kei 'Hee-Hee' Igawa is ready to come up, along with Ian Kennedy? Then Brackman and Betances? Suddenly its a 10-man rotation!

I say trade Wang and Burnett for Andruw Jones. Get him now while the gettin' be good!

Another Hate Letter to the Editor

FLORIDA TODAY (Brevard County, Florida)
April 26, 2009 Sunday

Dear Editor,

FLORIDA TODAY columnist Al Neuharth just doesn't get it.

His adulation piece April 17 on his buddy George Steinbrenner starts with a false statement that the Yankees are the "most loved and most hated team in Major League Baseball."

It is false, because if he went to Chicago, he would find the Cubs are the most loved team.

Similarly, if he went to Boston, he would find the Red Sox are the most beloved team.

The second part of the falsehood is saying the Yankees are the most hated team. The Yankees are the only hated team. Why? Because the Boss buys the team and indiscriminately fires winning managers.

Al concludes the Yankees will do better in the house the Boss built than in the one the Babe built.

But his stats say Babe was there 15 years for six World Series, and the Boss has been there 35 years for 10 World Series. Seems like if it were proportional, the Boss would have at least 13 Series.

Jon Campbell
Indian Harbour Beach

Jesus Saves Two, but why is he DHing?

Jesus of Tampa, our 19-year-old savior from the land of oil and Hugo, hit two HRs yesterday in the Florida Rednecks-in-Ballcaps League.

Praise Jesus. He hits like a holy terror. But the devil here is his size: They say he's too massive to catch, that his future is 1B, and we have a billionaire there who is now hitting .200.

So here's my question: Why in the name of Ron Bloomberg is Jesus playing DH?

Before continuing, let me concede this: Yes, they know more than I do.

They split catching duties at Tampa between Jesus and Austin Romine, another prospect, to give each playing time.

This is ridiculous. This is typical Yankee organizational over-reach: We'll draft Andrew Brackman and cut his arm for a year. We'll draft this kid who's going to college, because he'll change his mind. We'll develop both kids and have two all-star catchers.

We have one of baseball's best prospects, and he's DHing half the time. This is insane. If we don't watch out, Jesus will come up as the new Sam Horn. Not only that, but Romine might not have honed his skills. We need these catchers catching every day.

Long ago, some Yankee mastermind decided Ron Bloomberg, our best prospect, should platoon in the minors. So he came up as a guy who only batted against righthanders. What a loss.

Romine should not be thrown overboard. But it's becoming clear that Montero is a special case. They are not equal. Montero needs to catch every day, and Romine should either go back to Charleston or up to Trenton.

Of course, we all know what the Yankees will do: Because of the glut, they'll put one on the DL and have him go drinking for a month with Billy Connors.

Hate Letter to the Editor

Naples Daily News (Florida)
April 27, 2009 Monday

Editor, Daily News:

Journalists should be unbiased.

The headline in your sports section on April 19 was "Bronx Bummer: Indians' 14-run 2nd dooms Yankees."

Why is this a bummer? I thought it was one of the best ball games I have watched in the last 10 years since I moved here to Naples.

This just illustrates the biased reporting in the sports pages of the Daily News. Your reporting should be slanted in favor of the majority of the readership, or in favor of the local teams (the Marlins and the Rays).

They should have been the lead stories on that page.

This is not New York or Boston, to which your stories are always slanted.

I dare say that half your readership hates the Yankees, and the rest only dislikes them strongly.
The paper should represent Naples.

New York and Boston are 1,500 miles from here.

And, yes, I hate the Yankees.

Ray Smith
Naples

Spam of the Week

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Phil Hughes Saves America

Suddenly, the sun is shining.

Suddenly, there is hope in this great land.

Suddenly, children feel free again.

Phil Hughes has come unto us, bearing the gift of Yankee victory. Let us again know ourselves to be a proud nation, a land of hard workers and pretty women, and dentists who do not charge an arm and a leg. Yes, we are whole again. The Yankees are back! Thank you, Phil Hughes.

Update: Stein Flu outbreak traced to 2004 signing

An obscure former Texan may have infected the franchise.

SCANDAL AVERTED: New York Highlanders' Altered Terms Of Admission Shan't Compel The Meritorious To Familiarity With The Common

Yanks' lower ticket prices affect seats $325 and up

Yanks Building Dynasty in Scranton

The 2008 Governor's Cup-winning Scranton-Wilkes Barre nine topped the always-tough Rochester Red Wings yesterday, ending the big three-game series at Frontier Field.

Rock solid Ian Kennedy fired 4.2 innings, giving up only one unearned run and striking out four. Zach Kroenke posted the big win with 2.1 innings and three "whiffs." Anthony Claggett finished up.

Youngsters Shelley Duncan, Juan Miranda and John Rodriguez sent balls over the wall to post the Anthracite City assault.

The big two-game series against the Lehigh Valley IronPigs begins today!

P*t* A*e Quote of the Day

"...if you’re concerned about the swine flu, the Yankees have a perfect solution. Purchase one of the $2,626 Legends Seats behind the plate. You are guaranteed to be at least 10 feet away from anybody else, so the odds of catching the flu are slim."

Unrelenting brilliance from qwerty uiop.


Disclaimer: Though this site largely consists of humorous or satirical material, this post is unambiguous testimony to the perspicacity, creativity and professionalism inherent in the writing cited above. No ridicule, defamation, sarcasm or other comedic devices have been employed or are intended, either purposely or accidentally. Acquaintances, colleagues and/or family members of the cited writer should not contact any persons living or dead about this post under any circumstances. Readers of this blog and its contributors have specific rights that may vary from state to state and minute by minute. All rights reversed. Do not void where prohibited before midnight.

Letter to the Editor: Why the Yankees?

The Times-Union (Albany, NY)
April 26, 2009 Sunday

Dear Editor,

I'm just curious why every article written about the Yankees by the Times Union writers has to mention the $1.5 billion ball park.

I don't see mention of the price the Mets paid for their ball park in every article, and it was fine for other teams to build a new ball park. By the way, it's a stadium, not a ball park.

Erik Dedrick
Albany

Time to take nominations for Yankee Employee of the Month

We'll put up the poll soon. But what names should be in the listings?

Outbreak: NYC finds 25 cases of the dreaded Stein Flu

The heirborn virus attacks young and middle-aged male athletes, causing their bats to shrivel and their arms to fall off.

Yankee fans should be wary of attending games or even watching on television.

If you are infected by the dreaded Stein flu virus, all the money in the world cannot help.

Symptoms:

Bat .100 with runners in scoring position.

Face breaks out in painful blue pinstripes.

Nagging injuries that do not heal.

Spouse leaves you.

Personal trainer accuses you of juicing.

Fourth place, behind Baltimore.

Cure:

Death

Yanks waiting for ARod, heart and soul of team, to return

Soon he will be back, and we will begin to make beautiful music again.

In the meantime, how 'bout them Scranton Yankees!

Yankee Redsock Of The Future

Florida High School Senior to Try for Fifth Consecutive No-Hitter

Burn Down the Yankees

We must cast out the evil -- with fire.

You Know What's Fun, I Just Found Out? Rooting For The Tigers

Not that I'm angry or anything.

The End is Near

"It’s over. Yes, Yogi did say, “it ain’t over ‘til it’s over,” but it’s over. The legacy of the New York Yankees is dead" -Me, 5:37 pm, 4/20/2009

I don't want to say "I told ya so," but "I told ya so."

It's too early to be this late

How did it happen?

We are not just 9 and 9.

We are demoralized and homeless.

Yes, homeless. Yankee Stadium is gone.

How did we get to be owned by the Redsocks?

When did that seismic shift occur, the moment we shifted places: They became predator and we became prey?

Because we are patsies. Every lead feels temporary. You see it in our faces. It's as if we know Boston will win.

When did it happen?

Ahh, how I love the taste of gun metal in the morning!

Is it possible we spent $200 million to be worse than last year?

Could we have spent $2 billion on a park and diminished the game experience?

Are we still on the way down?

Historically, the Yankees have always been a barometer of America.

Let this be remembered:

On the weekend of the Boston Reverse Massacre, swine flu exploded.

Once it's pandemic, those empty seats are going to be all over the place.

We are so screwed.

Nine Options for the Yankees

1. Fire Girardi.

2. Sign Pedro Martinez.

3. Dump stars and plan for next year.

4. Mussina?

5. Bring up Jesus Montero.

6. Spout gibberish about team awaiting Arod.

7. Lower ticket prices.

8. Trade prospects for Randy Johnson.

9. Drink.

It's only a movie. It's only a movie. It's only a movie.

Authorities Fear Yankee Bullpen Could Spread

Time for a lockdown.

NFW

I'm out here in the damn desert and I heard about the Yankee embarassment in Boston.

A six run lead with our best pitcher on the mound.

NFW !!!

This team is garbage. It has no relief pitching now except MO.

I should have known Bruney would get hurt. And mark my words; 15 days won't be enough.

NFW ???

Today, I vote that the Yankees play in their jock straps. Forget the damn pinstripes.

Get swept up there. Get leaked upon. Just humiliate yourselves like school kids who wet themselves in class. Ooops, that's what they did yesterday.

This team sucks.

We need to spend another $400 million in order to have any shot at third place.

NFW!!!???

For those of you who don't speak my native tongue, N=Now; W=What.

NFW.

Are You Kidding Me? With Humberto gone, we traded Sheffield for Claggett.

Obscured by yesterday's nightmare in Boston was this tidbit:

We released 25-year-old former superprospect Humberto Sanchez, lynchpin of the 2006 trade in which we peddled Gary Sheffield to the Tigers.

We waived Humberto.

Thus, for Gary Sheffield -- who never hit less than .290 for us -- we received... uhmn, let's see now... Anthony Clagget. Straight up.

Sheff for Clagg.

(For whatever it's worth, the third pitcher, Kevin Whelan, is somewhere in the system, on target to throw two strikes in a row once every full moon.)

Here's another thought: After trading Sheffield, our offense broke down in 2007. We could have used the 25 HRs he hit for Detroit. But we soldiered on, dreaming of our rewards -- that magical day when Humberto recovered from Tommy John and became The Ace.

Yep. We traded for Humberto on Nov. 10, 2006. He barely threw a pitch the next spring, then underwent surgery. How much did the Tigers know? Better question: How little did we?

They picked our pockets.

This sucks.

This sucks even more than trading Ramon Ramirez for Shawn Chacon. This sucks even more than signing Kei Igawa. This sucks even more than letting Damaso Marte out the door in 2001 for Enrique Wilson, then trading to get him back after he's pitched himself into Palookaville.

In the 1980s, we fell into a deep decline, because our scouts were always on the outside looking in. We traded for Dale Murray, we signed Bob Shirley and Ed Whitson, even though people throughout baseball saw the mistakes. It was only until we got Bob Watson -- a solid baseball man -- in the organization that we started making the right moves.

Now, who is judging talent for us? Reggie Jackson? Dear God...

Writers tout the "legendary" pitching guru known as Nardi Contreras.

Anybody want to start listing his success stories?

Writers quote scouts anonymously, do backflips for interviews. In those Q&As, do they ever question the scout's track record? (Answer: Not if they want another Q&A.)

At the end of the day, the Steinbrenners write out the checks, and the Cashmans read the reports. But if the reports are garbage...?

Sheff for Clagg.

Imagine that.

Sheff for Clagg.

Letter to the Editor

Edmonton Sun (Alberta)
April 23, 2009

Dear Editor,

Here are 10 reasons the New York Yankees left their old ball park for the new Yankee Stadium.

10) The curse of the Bambino was reversed so the old stadium was no darn good anymore;

9) George Costanza was seen streaking too many times in Monument Park;

8) Too many queries from Costanza for his own monument;

7) Steroids and paraphernalia were found buried under the
pitcher's mound, first base and third base;

6) Jimmy Hoffa was found buried in Monument Park;

5) The rats were bigger than Jorge Posada's nose;

4) Unsanitary conditions for the animals in the Bronx Zoo;

3) Madonna said to A-Rod, "If Babe Ruth built his own house, why can't you?";

2) The Steinbrenners wanted a better acoustical stadium for Sinatra's "New York, New York."

1. Zillions of fans wanted to know what it would be like to sit in $2,500 seats.

PHIL REIMER

To Make a Bad Day Worse, Now I Learn that Maude is Dead

This sure caps the AJ Burnett debacle.

Did I dream it, or weren't we supposed to have a good bullpen this year?

Was it an acid flashback?

Why is it that I distinctly recall the wizards telling us the Yankee bullpen would be loaded this year?

Were they lying to us?

Did they not know?

How did it get to feel so late, so early?

Pete Abe tops Pete Abe in Pete Abe Quote of the Day

The Writing Wizard of White Plains one-upped himself today, out pacing even Robbie Cano, who has all but demolished the Redsocks by himself today.

As posted by His Whiteness at 4:27, Abe had already cranked one out of the park today with his backhanded written pimp slapping of Tim 'McPoophand' McCarver.

Now, he's doled out a blog beating to The Elf...

UPDATE, 7:09 p.m.: The little elf kicks one, two runs score and the Yankees lead. Not to pat myself on the back (well, screw it, i will), but I did predict they’d come back at 6:13 p.m.

Not only has the Blogfather scored two Pete Abe QOTD's in the same post, but he also managed to piss off an entire legion of Jets fans:

"We at the LoHud Yankees Blog would like to welcome Mark Sanchez to the Jets. You seem like a nice young man. But here’s hoping Richard Seymour and Vince Wilfork snap you in half on Sept. 20."

Pete Abe Quote of the Day

Wisdom continues to flow from the Lower Hudson's Quipmaster General:

UPDATE, 3:50 p.m.: If you remember nothing else from this blog remember this: Never shake hands with Tim McCarver if you see him coming out of a bathroom. That’s all I’m going to say. Just don’t.

Drudge Flu: Catch It

Getting scared...


Matt Drudge has.

(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Lupica Stays Up Really Late to Write Mo's Obit

"Hit him as hard as anybody ever has."

Jesus Goes Three for Four, Tied for FSL Lead in Hitting

Jesus Montero, age 19, is batting .396 in a league historically dominated by pitchers.

Two home runs. (League leader has 4)
Ten RBIs (League leader has 16)
Third in league in total bases.
Second in league in on-base percentage.

Now here is something insane to ponder: Could he be our right-handed DH in September? A la' Miguel Cabrera, 2003?

Yes, it's crazy. He's not ready defensively. But the kid can hit.

Do you believe in miracles?

Do you believe in Jesus?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN JESUS?

IF YOU BELIEVE IN JESUS, THEN GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES RIGHT NOW, GET DOWN, SINNERS, GET DOWN AND TESTIFY! TESTIFY TO THE LACK OF RIGHT-HANDED DH-POSSIBILITIES THAT WE HAVE, AND PRAISE HIM! DO YOU HEAR ME? PRAISE HIM! PRAISE HIM UNTO CASHMAN! JESUS IS COMING. DO YOU HEAR ME? GET OUT, YOUKILIS! JESUS IS COMING. I BELIEVE!

Commissioner, It's Time to Send Out the Burnett Signal

Gotham in Crisis.

Spam of the Week

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Excruciating Defeat

Divorce it from your mind.

In the Immortal Words of the "Other" Voice

Lets Get Ready to Rumbbbbbbbbbllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should be a fun weekend...

Why We Fight

Red Sox complicity in U.S. torture flights

They feed their own fans prison food

They're bigger racists than Joe Torre

Their groundskeepers are thugs


Varitek clawed A-Rod's face, kept his own mask on

Schilling poured ketchup on his sock, called it blood

They decapitate their players when they're done with them

Big Papi has it in for Joba for no reason

Expose: Yanks last year often subjected fans to controversial torture tactic known as "bullpenning"

New York _ During a six-month period last year, the New York Yankees repeatedly subjected fans to an outlawed torture-tactic known as "bullpenning," according to internal sources, freedom of information requests and a review of last-year's standings, obtained at considerable expense, by this website.

During that period -- in which the team sought to extract money for 2009 season ticket packages -- the organization used Jose Veras 60 times and Edwar Ramirez as many as four sessions per week. This occurred despite public warnings that so-called "bullpenning" could undermine the team's world profile.

"They wanted to extract whatever they could from the fanbase," a source told IT IS HIGH. "And it came straight from the top: Cheney ordered it."

The controversial tactic, thought to be outlawed following the Torre administration, invokes within fans the false experience of drowning.

Pitches far outside the strike zone are slowly poured over fans' faces until all bases are full. Then, with two outs and two strikes on the batter, a grand slam is hit, turning a one-run game into a blowout. Then, in excrutiatingly slow detail, the entire process is repeated.

Disclosures of the Yank torture tactics have renewed calls for a special prosecutor to look into the signings of Carl Pavano, Kei Igawa and others, and the termination of Joe Torre.


Yankee officials declined comment on the charges and directed all inquiries to spokesperson Selena Roberts, who was said to be perched in a bush in a residential neighborhood of Tampa and therefore unavailable for comment.

Poetry Corner: When Throwing a fastball at old Kevin Youkilis...

When throwing a fastball at old Kevin Youkilis,
Make sure that your fingers aren’t slathered with mucilous.
Don’t stare at him hard, or it could make you puke-ilous.
But just ponder the past, like that Met: “Wilson, Mookilus.”

It’s not an occasion to grow mad and mutinous,
Like a trip to a crypt with an urge necrophilious,
Just imagine yourself down below in a nautilus,
And shoot that harpoon at the whale we call Youkilis.

In your moment of weakness, you’ll feel supercilious,
As he stands there and glares at you, angry and bilious,
Like a six-foot-three lizard, some man-crocodilius,
Throw as hard as you can at that man, Kevin Youkilis.

Curt Schilling Joins the Jonas Brothers

Schilling! Jonas! It had to happen! Rock on!

Comparison: The Greatest and Weakest Win Warbles Ever Recorded

Hear for yourself...

The Weakest...




And the greatest...

Day of Heavy Wanging

Honest Abe has what will have to pass as the details.

7 innings
9 hits
5 runs
4 earned
0 walks
11 strikeouts
91 pitches
70 strikes

He was throwing to the all-stars of the Florida Special Olympics (redundancy there).

Looks like he hasn't lost a thing from his early season command.

Tonight On Yankpornography

Raunchy internet smut site yesnetwork.com, best known for Ken Singleton's wife's sex blog, is running a thing called Girls Of NY Sports Bars. There's no permalink, so hurry over to the front page and  scroll down-low before Interpol raids the Yankees' offshore server farm.

Outrage and Consternation in Flushing

New stadium apparently too classy for Mets fans.

Doesn't adequately celebrate club's colorful history of mediocrity and failure.

Future Yankees Listed

Only 303 shopping days until spring training.

Time to start checking the list.

Pete Abe quote of the day

The True Bard of the Lower Hudson strikes again!

"Baseball is a movie, not a series of snapshots."

Open Letter to Melky Cabrera: Don't Let Yesterday Be Your Downfall

(Note to readers: It is critical that Mr. Cabrera read this. The message might save his career. It might save the Yankees. It might even save your life -- but we won't go into what we know. Print out this note and post it in public spaces frequented by Mr. Cabrera and his friend, Mr. Cano. This includes laundries. Too often, we forget the laundry. If you cannot print it out, write it out by hand, but please be ledgible. If you cannot attach it to a telephone pole or bridge support, rent a sound truck and read it while driving through neighborhoods. We cannot stress enough the importance of this work. Everything hinges on compliance. Everything.)

Dear Mr. Cabrera,

Congratulations on your great game yesterday.

Don't go thinkin' your shit don't stink.

The only reason you're still a Yankee is because you decided last winter -- after being demoted to Scranton -- that you would show plate discipline in the future.

Yesterday, you whiffed with the bases loaded on a pitch in your eyes.

You still have one hope for a career: Plate discipline.

The home runs are great. But if you start swinging for the fences, you'll be back in Scranton faster than you can say "Kevin Maas."

Don't start thinkin' your shit don't stink.

Official Yankee News: Mitsubishi Shines!

From the release, uncluttered, unspun, untouched...

Mitsubishi Electric Diamond Vision Shines at Yankee Stadium Opening


Yankee Stadium opened its doors to excited fans on April 2 with its annual team workout, and unveiled the most advanced, high-definition Diamond Vision display in sports.


Thousands of fans joined players and New York Yankees and Mitsubishi Electric executives in an afternoon ceremony that marked the debut of the massive display in center field.

This installation continues the long-standing relationship between the New York Yankees and Mitsubishi Electric, which in 1983 installed one of the first Diamond Vision video displays in Major League Baseball.

Sterling Comes Back! 6.98 Second Walk-Off Win-Warble

It's still not World Series-caliber, but it should silence some of the critics who say the Sterl has lost his hurl.

Six point nine-eight seconds, baby!

HE'S CLEARING HIS THROAT FOR BOSTON!

Melky Mantle

New projection: 43 home runs.

Letter to the Editor: Noam Chomsky must hate A-Rod

National Post (f/k/a The Financial Post) (Canada)
April 21, 2009

Dear Editor,

The salary of the 30 teams in major league baseball is an astounding $2,655,395,194. The New York Yankees head the list with a payroll of just over $201-million and sport the highest-paid player in the league -- third baseman Alex Rodriguez will earn $33-million this year.

As there are only 8,760 hours in a year, Mr. Rodriguez will earn $3,767.12 for every hour of the day. He will earn about $11-million this year just for sleeping. Mr. Rodriguez earns more than 55 neurosurgeons, who have to study for about 14 years for their comparatively meagre pay and he never even attended college or university, joining the Major League right out of high school.

The minimum wage in Major League Baseball is $400,000 per year; its lowest-paid players earn an astounding $2,469 per game. With these exorbitant salaries, and steep ticket prices, the league has distanced itself from the average working person in North America.

Consider: Mr. Rodriguez earns more in two nights of sleeping than the average American earns in an entire year.

Perhaps Noam Chomsky was right when he stated: "Sports occupies the populations, and keeps them from trying to get involved with things that matter. In fact, I presume that's part of the reason why spectator sports are supported to the degree they are by the dominant institutions."

It's time the people started to devote their time and energy to things that do matter in these extraordinary times, like our health care institutions and education.

Charles Owen

Welland, Ont.