Gagne With a Spoon

True, the Red Socks scored Gagne before the deadline. We got Wilson Doublemint.

But consider this:

1. Scott Proctor is gone.

2. Kyle Farnsworth is going.

3. We did not trade the next generation for two months of a Texas Ranger cast-off.

4. We still have Tyler "The Yankee" Clipper, Joba "the Hutt" Chamberlain, Ian "the President" Kennedy and Philip "the Franchise" Hughes.

5. We won last night.

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE, EDWAR RAMIREZ,
OUR NATION TURNS ITS LONELY EYES TO YOU.

Gagne on 3-2 count: The Money Pitch

According to Baseball-Reference.com, here is how Eric Gagne performs when the entire known universe rides on one pitch: the full-count.

Over his career, he has gone to a 3-2 count with 202 batters. He has thrown 293 pitches.

He walked 88 of them and fanned 77.

They hit a measily .188. One smacked a home run. But their on-base percentage stands at .435.

Hm-mm.

Eric Gagné A Yanké?

That's what they're saying at Pending Pinstripes.

Diary of a Met Fan: Damn That Beltran; He Made Me Kill Mom

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A New York man has been charged with beating his mother to death with a barbell after losing his temper while watching a baseball game on television.


Michael Anthony, 25, was watching the New York Mets lose a game on Saturday from his home in the borough of Queens when he began furiously banging on the walls, Queens District Attorney Richard Brown said in a statement on Monday.


His father Fred Fischman shouted at him to stop, but Anthony punched him in the face and threw him to the ground, according to the criminal charges.


When Anthony's mother, Maria Fischman, 61, tried to intervene, prosecutors said he stabbed her once in the head with a knife before chasing her into a bedroom where he struck her several times with the 20 pound (9 kilogram) barbell.

Diary of a Great Yankee Fan

In 1967, no one more followed baseball more passionately than young Hillary Rodham -- who, as everyone knows -- is a life-long Yankee fan.

.

Until recently, no one realized how intensely she raged in letters to friends about the 1967 ballclub, which struggled under Manager Ralph Houk. Some excerpts:

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On the infield of Joe Pepitone, Horace Clarke, Ruben Amaro and Charlie Smith: "I’ve gone through three and a half metamorphoses and am beginning to feel as though there is a smorgasbord of personalities spread before me."

.

After one tough loss to Boston: "Sunday was lethargic from the beginning as I wallowed in a morass of general and specific dislike and pity."

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On the signing of former Red Sox ace Bill Monbouquette: “Don’t begrudge me my mercenary interest."

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On her attraction to slugger Joe Pepitione: "Can you be a misanthrope and still love or enjoy some individuals?”

.

At the end of the season, with the team next to last: "I’m sitting here at a stolen table in a pair of dirty denim bell-bottoms, a never-ironed work shirt and a beautiful purple felt hat with a purple polka-dotted scarf streaming off it. I’m really tired of people slamming doors and screaming obscenities at poor old life."

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It's nearly August 1, the day when Yankee fans rise before dawn and run downstairs in their jammies to open the gifts from the trading deadline. What will we get?

From Uncle Ranger: A brand new Eric Gagne home entertainment center?

Or a lump of Denny Neagle?

From Aunt KC, an Octavio Dotel 10-speed racing bike?

Or a zip-lock bag full of Ken Phelps?

Jolly old St. George, with helper Brian, is preparing for the big night.

I wonder what lucky fans will find Kyle Farnsworth under their tree!

Jesus Toucheth them All

Seventeen-year-old Jesus Montero, the millionaire future Yankee savior, hit HOME RUN NUMBER TWO for the Gulf Coast team Saturday.

Dead centerfield.

Or as John Sterling someday will say....

It is high... it is holy... IT ART IN HEAVEN.

Amen.

Barry Barry, Quite Contrary

From the greatest book ever written, "Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington," now on sale...

BARRY BARRY

Barry, Barry, quite contrary

How does your body grow?

With "the cream" and "the clear" twelve times a year,

And testicles high in tow.

.

Barry, Barry, quite millionary,

How do you bring such awe?

With growth hormones and testosterone,

And breasts that need a bra.

.

Barry, Barry, quite extraordinary,

Why do you take such risks?

With urine purges and roidal urges,

And records with asterisks.

Proctor & Gamble: Some Stats about Scott Proctor

Hate to say it, but... according to baseball-reference.com

SCOTT DOESN’T CLIMB UP OUT OF A HOLE. Twelve times this year he has thrown a 3-0 pitch. All 12 times, it was ball four. Lifetime, he's 35 out of 36.

SCOTT FLUBS THE MONEY PITCH: He's faced 15 batters this year with a 3-2 count. Twelve of them walked. Two struck out. One hit a home run. Lifetime, on a full count, one in 10 hits a home run, and twice as many walk as strike out.

IN CLOSE GAMES, SCOTT MELTS: When the game is tied or within one run, opposing batters hit their highest against him (.354), record their highest on-base percentage (.438) against him, and also their highest slugging percentage (.631) against him. He is at his worst.

So why does Joe save him for those moments?

YANKEETORIAL: OPEN THE GRIMSLEY STEROID FILES, YOUR HONOR

If the judge acts responsibly, Rocket and Andy will finally be certified steroid-free today.

We can't wait for these two all-time Yankee giants to receive their full exoneration... and long-overdue apology.

Yankeeblogography Special Edition: Where are they now?

One of the most enjoyable aspects of fannery is following old-timers after their Pinstriped days have ended. Turns out, Thursday was a big night for some big names of yesteryear.

Matt DeSalvo, in his hotly anticipated return to Scranton (formerly Columbus), gave up 7 runs (6 earned) on 8 hits and 3 walks in 5 2/3 innings.

TJ "Moon" Beam, of the famous 2006 Yankee collapse club, followed the Boston Strangler and gave up 3 runs on 4 hits, with just one walk... all in a mere 1 and 1/3 innings.

Tyler Clippard, remember him from the great Met win of 2007?, now at Double A Trenton where he dominated last year, went three innings, surrendering 3 runs on 4 hits and two walks. TClip left with an injury.

Oh, well, as sidenote: A day after testifying before Congress, Alberto Gonzalez was 1 for 5 with 2 strikeouts at Trenton. He taps phones better than opposing pitchers.

Will Joba Chamberlain wilt?

Yanks planning Igawa Fate

Note: We agree that this is in poor taste. But $50 million for a mediocre, Double A middle innings reliever is also rather sour.

Where have you gone, Hideki Irabu?
Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you...

"And Then If You Put Enough Money In Their G-Strings, They Actually Come Sit In Your Lap..."

Giambi on the mend

What are we going to do with him?

Between Damon, the Giambino and Shelley Duncan, that's THREE designated hitters.

We haven't had so many potentially bad DH's since the days when Danny Tartabul, John Mayberry and Ron Kittle made up our rotation.

The result: We traded for Ken Phelps.

Candy Bars Already Named for Baseball's New Home Run King

First came the Babe.

Then Hammerin' Hank.

OK, what about Barry?

It's the time of the Season: Zombies Loom o'er Yank Future

July 21, 1988: Traded by the Seattle Mariners to New York Yankees for player to be named later, Jay Buhner, and Rich Balabon. The Yankees later added Troy Evers to complete the trade.

"It's the time of the season

"When the love runs high

"In this time, give it to me easy

"And let me try

"With pleasured hands..."

The Zombies, featuring Gene Michael

HOLD... THAT... LEASH: Atlanta Falcons Cheerleaders Excited About New Chants & Fight Songs

During this brief interlude from the pennant race, a look at some of the great cheers in store:


Hey, hey! Whaddaya say!
Twist its neck the other way!
Hey, hey, sis-boom-bah!
Rid that collie of its paw!
*
On you Dachshund, on you Dachshund!
Lunge right for that spine,
Tear that spaniel’s neck to shreds,
Rip him a new behind.
CHEW-CHEW-CHEW-
On Rottweiler, on Rottweiler!
Bark just like you bite,
Fight, wieners, fight
And you’ll get fed tonight.
*
Two bits, four bits, six bits, dollar.
All for Atlanta, RIP OFF YOUR COLLAR!
*
Put ‘em to sleep!
Put ‘em to sleep!
LONNNNNNG, SLEEP!
*
Sic’em. Sic’em! Rip ‘em up!
THEN SEND IN ANOTHER PUP!
Sic’em, sic’em! Rip his gut!
THEN SEND IN ANOTHER MUTT!
*
That's OK, that's all right!
C'mon, Snoopy,
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
*
Cheer, cheer, our old neutered Dane,
Tearing the skull, exposing the brain,
Send a howling yelp on high,
Bite off a leg, and spit the thigh... poor Fido-
We never holler, we never brag,
We’ll send you home a new doggie bag,
While our rabid hounds are growling
Onward to victory.
*
We’re Atlanta Falcons!
And no one could be prouder!
And if you ya’ don’t believe us,
WE'LL SERVE YOUR DOG AS CHOWDER!
*
Bite 'em again!
Bite 'em again!
HARDER, HARDER.
*
Knuckle down, dear Spotty, muzzle down!
You can live, dear Spotty, if you put him down.
Rip into his back,
Like a Scooby Snack!
You can live, dear Spotty, if you only knuckle down!

Yanks Held to Just Nine by Punishing KC Defense

Three field goals?

We're not the same without Tiki Giambi.

Farm Watch: Jahdiel Santamaria

"I have seen the future of rock'n roll and his name is Bruce Springsteen."
-- Jon Landau, journalist, publicist, butler --

We have seen the future of the farm system, and his name cannot be pronounced.

Jahdiel Santamaria is tearing up the Dominican Summer League, which is at a level somewhere between the Gulf Coast League and the Steve Howe Memorial Stems & Seeds Mushball Tourney, but why quibble?

Remember that name. Jahdiel Santawhatevertheitis.

Jah has three home runs and a pitcher-whuppin' .389 batting average, playing for the Yankee Number One team in whatever the hell town where the Number One team plays. Somewhere in the Dominica.

He's a 20-year-old DH (definition: 25-year-old) playing against wiry, oil-faced pre-teens, which means not only is Jah ruling with his mighty bat, but he's probably fragging every loose chick in the bus stop, and teaching the next generation of Luis Polonias the art of self-gratification.

Hats off to Jah, an emerging Yankee clubhouse presence. Swing hard, old-timer.

Yankee Newsmaker Profile: Meet Alberto Gonzalez

It's 24-year-old Trenton shortstop Alberto Gonzalez, one of the crown jewels of the Yankee justice system!

Stolen over the winter in a trade for ectomorphic grinch Randy Johnson, Alberto enjoys firing balls to first and torturing opposing pitchers with unorthodox stances.

After repeated errors at Scranton, Alberto was relocated to Double A Trenton, where he's refusing to answer questions and hitting .383!

Congratulations, "Al!" You're on your way!

Yanks seek unprecedented YouTube game

Following Monday's Presidential YouTube debate, in which computer lugnuts submitted whimsical-but-earnest questions to candidates, the Yankees today proposed that one of the season's final six games with Boston be played with everyday keyboard clods pitching to both teams, via the Internet.

The Red Sox are expected to reject the plan, viewing it a Yankee attempt to avoid using Scott Proctor and Kyle Farnsworth.

God, Man-made Climate Change Hurts Yankee Pennant Chances

Scranton's game tonight rained out. Thus, Philip Hughes didn't get his rehab start.

We might have to watch an extra game with Iggy.

Damn you, Al Gore.

Yankee-Devil Rays Recap

SCORING

New York 14 0 7 0 -- 21
Tampa Bay 0 3 0 0 -- 3

NY- Matsui 73-yard pass from Duncan (Jeter kick), 6:04 1st
NY- Cano 80-yard pass from Posada (Jeter kick), 14:51 1st
TB- FG Crawford 30-yard, 4:32 2nd
NY- Duncan 99-yard pass from Cairo (Jeter kick), 2:36 3rd

STATISTICS.................... NY....... TB
First Downs...................... 37.......... 9
Rushing yards.................. 236........ 43
Passing yards................... 410..... 214
Offensive Plays................. 266....... 34
Fumbles............................ 0........... 14
Time of Possession....... 2:29:49..... 30:11

Thirty-Eight Runs

Two wins.

We sure know how to parcel it out.

Trade Deadline Paparazzi Acquisition: Beckham to replace struggling Nicole

MANHATTAN _ Confirming long-held rumors, the New York Yankees news media Sunday announced the arrival of high-priced former Brittish star Victoria Beckham, boosting a Page Six lineup that had slumped this summer.

Sadly, the acquisition means that impossibly pregnant 1990's TV stickfigure Nicole Richie will be designated for assigment, according to Yankees spokesman Arthur Rubenstein.

Unless signed by another country's paparazzi, Richie must report to Scranton within five days.

"This is a big shot in the arm," Yankee manager Joe Torre told reporters, after the deal was announced. "Any time you can add an 'Old Spice' Girl to the line-up, you expect to score."

Despite a career year by Lindsay Lohan, Page Six has been mired in the second division, mostly due to the jailing of bullpen ace Paris Hilton and the astonishingly diminished attractiveness of Venezuelan right-fielder Britney Spears.

Scouts say Richie simply lost too much weight to adequately fill paparazzi camera lenses.

"She just wasn't eating," Torre said, of Nicole. "We're hoping she gets some kielbasa down in Wilkes Barre and comes back with boobs in September. She just needs to hone her strike zone."

Real Quote of the Day: (We're not making this up.)

"He’s one of those magic guys this year. There’s always someone on a team who falls into some. We’ll call him Magic Man.”

Joe Torre, on pitcher Luis Vizcaino, ERA: 4.24

Proctor Suks So Much Balls: Edwar's MySpace Page

Edwar at MySpace [Link]

Cal Thomas: The Yankees Must Fight Now

The latest from Cal Thomas, public pundit, secret Yankee columnist.

ON LAST NIGHT'S 14-4 LOSS TO TAMPA BAY: "This was not a demonstration of the strength needed to strike fear in the hearts of those who can tough it out in caves while plotting new ways to destroy us."

ON REPORTERS' CRITICISM OF JOE TORRE: "They embrace defeat, unwilling to wait for the 'new strategy' they had demanded to work."

ON CALLS FOR TRADING A-ROD FOR PROSPECTS AND PULLING OUT OF THE 2007 PENNANT RACE: "There will be plenty of time for debate in September... Has our politics become so cynical that some would prefer defeat for political advantage than victory because it might aid the "other side." If so, God help us."

Cheney Expected to Push for Changes Today During Torre Colonoscopy

WASHINGTON _ Aides to Dick Cheney say the Vice President plans a "massive overhaul" of the Yankees today while skipper Joe Torre undergoes an embarrassing anal procedure.

But Cheney --citing his definition of the Vice Presidency as part of the legislative, executive and Yankee branches of government -- won't discuss plans until "scope time."

Sources indicate the following changes:

1. Media coverage of games will be curtailed, with only Yankee runs reported.

2. To better understand why some players are slumping, management will be allowed to use enhanced interrogation techniques, including waterboarding and electroshock, during clubhouse confrontations.

3. The franchise headquarters will be moved to Dubai.

Back to Mexico

Our man of the hour, Edwar Ramirez, gave credibility to his past tonight. He has not thrown a strike in anger since his opening 3K debut. He did groove one for Dioner no power, the Tampa catcher, who promptly planted a grand slam in the seats. The first of his life.

The coaching staff, beginning with Mr. Torre, must have forgotten about this young man on more levels than one since his early July debut, for it is clear that he has not eaten in the 3 weeks he has been a Yankee. He was blown toward first base as he brought up his leg in preparation for delivering a ball ( and the ball ) to the plate. Even the reference to an eating surface is distracting to him. I think he threw 27 straight balls.

I have sent him a Greyhound ticket ( only 32 stops ) to Nogales where, on every Tuesday morning, a bus wil leave for the southern desert town of Slingalos, Mexico. The prarie league there remains independent and is open to all those of great heart. Tacos are good and a string band plays at Sunday games. The fan base is sparse, particularly at bean picking time, but they love baseball and regard anyone from the major leagues as a local hero.

Keep up your spirits, Edwar. You made the big time.

Adios and carumba.

YANKEES PROMOTE SHELLEY DUNCAN FROM SCRANTON

Wait a minute...

Rechecking....

Yankeetorial: Rudy For President

Yankee fan/presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani has vowed to NEVER use the power of the Oval Office to win his favorite ballclub a championship.

He cannot.

Not if he wants to be elected.

Our "open society" still harbors too many Yankee haters -- aka "pennant racists."

But if Rudy wins a White House ring, we fans can expect some wonderful surprises, like this one in today's NY Daily News:

City taxpayers subsidized the salaries of nearly a dozen top Yankees execs between 2001 and 2005 and paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for lobbyists for the new $1.3 billion Yankee stadium, a new report charges.

Team management even charged the city for the cost of hotel rooms for owner George Steinbrenner and his daughter Jennifer Swindall and for a percentage of the salaries of Steinbrenner's two sons, team executives Hank and Hal Steinbrenner.

The civic watchdog group Good Jobs New York says the money came from a $5 million annual "New Stadium" planning fund.

The fund - $25 million over five years - was approved by former Mayor Rudy Giuliani in his final days in office.

That $25 million is chicken feed, considering the city's $59 billion budget. But give the First Fan a $3 trillion federal purse, then do the math:

We can spend $12.7 billion.

Put it toward middle relief, a designated hitter and a back-up catcher who can hit better than .125, then watch the rings pile up on our fingers.

The Red Sox know this.

They're so scared of our Rudyville Slugger that they're fielding their own leather--and they even call him "Mitt."

Rudy For President/First Fan
The Power of the Chief
The Pride of the Pinstripes

Contrite Joe: "I'm Not A Bad Person"

As skittish advertisers began to pull their billboards from the stadium and calls for his resignation reverberated, embattled manager Joe Torre yesterday continued a campaign of contrition over racially insensitive treatment of former Yankee Gary Sheffield, even while insisting that he shouldn't lose his job.

"I don't deserve to be fired," Torre, 67, told reporters after yesterday's loss to Toronto. "So I should be punished, and I'm being punished, and not insignificantly, by the way. I'm not whining, because I don't feel as bad as Sheff feels."

"I'm not a bad person," he added, his voice breaking with emotion. "I'm a good person, but I did some bad things."

Torre has gone past the edges of propriety before. When the Yankees let starter Andy Pettitte defect to the Houston Astros after the 2003 season, Torre referred to the "Jewish management" of the team as "money-grubbing bastards" according to Yankeeography, an investigative series on the YES Network.

Praising Kyle Farnsworth two days ago in a column he wrote for this space, Torre went out of his way to point out that the struggling reliever is white, adding, "That's huge for us."

Still, nothing has approached the storm that now swirls about him. Analysts say Torre picked the wrong victim at the wrong time when he aimed his barbs at the blameless and generally well-liked Sheffield.

Mattingly & Can

Time for another installment of our baseball knockoff of Fox News' popular "Hannity & Colmes."

"Mattingly & Can"

Tonights topic: Steroids

DONNIE BASEBALL: Can, It's a sad day when Jason Giambi gets probed about steroids, but nobody out there is probing Curt "Ketchup" Schilling about what he knows. Here's a guy who paints his socks during the post-season, who rants all night on his blog, who's bigger than a boat, and who told Congress he never saw evidence of steroids in his entire baseball career. Who is he kdding? Why aren't they calling him in? All they have to do is wave a cheeseburger! He'll come running. Lord knows, he's got the Heinz!

CAN: Donnie, I'd disagree, but I can't. You're right. Once again, you're freakin' absolutely right.

Coco Krispies

Over their last 10 games, the Ketchup Socks are 3-7.

They just lost two of three to the KC Royals at Fenway.

Their lead, once at 14-and-a-half, is now seven games.

Six in the loss column.

Their fans are booing J.D. Drew.

He has a tweaked hammy.

"If we don't continue to play well, they're going to catch us." -- Coco Crisp

Cal Thomas: Secret Yankee Beat Columnist

On the surface, conservative columnist Cal Thomas seems to write about American politics.

In fact, this syndicated Christian giant for years has written coded columns, including secret messages for the Yankees and their Yankee fans.

This week, Cal is not happy.

From his latest:

ON AROD: "Not all sins are exposed in this life, but the higher the profile, the more likely exposure will occur, especially if it involves our national preoccupation with sex."

ON CARL PAVANO: "Once we repented... Today, we issue press releases, consult advisers, take medication or check into rehab."

ON KYLE FARNSWORTH: "The first reaction one should have is not laughter, but sadness, sadness for him, his wife and their... children."

Ask Kyle Farnsworth

Q. Kyle, a reader from Syracuse asks--

A. Have you ever pitched out there before? If you think you can do any better, then I'll give you my cleats, my glove and my uniform, and see what you can do. All right? Any more questions? Are we done?

Ask Joe Torre

Q. Do you still have confidence in Kyle Farnsworth?

A. Farnsie's still our eighth-inning guy. No question, he’s very important for us. I favor experience. I'm more comfortable with experienced players. He has the most experience doing what he does for the eighth and the ninth; he was a closer, too. I'd have to see something really bad from him where he was very inconsistent, and I haven't seen that. Plus, he's white. That's huge for us.

Literary Corner

"Ode to the 'Pen"

Farnsworth, Myers, Proctor: O, doctor.
How low can our spirits go?
We’re leading by nine in the last of the sixth.
And we’ll probably have to use Mo.

Farnsworth, Myers, Proctor, O, doctor.
Somebody pass me the Draino.
Our nine-run lead is now down to two.
And, O, God! Here comes Vizcaino.

Joe Torre's Diaries to be Auctioned

EXCERPT:

April 12: Bullpen hurting. Pitched Proctor two innings. Solid.

April 13: Worried about Proctor. Says shoulder hurts. Pitched Proctor one inning. Solid.

April 14: Proctor unable to lift arm. Pitched Proctor two innings. Three runs.

April 15: Proctor unable to stand. Pitched Proctor one inning. Four runs.

April 16: Pitched Farnworth. Four runs. Pitched Vizciano. Three runs. Pitched Proctor. Two runs.

April 17: Gotta rest Farnsworth. Not sure what to do. Pitched Proctor. Two runs.

Jesus Cometh Through

Jesus Montero, that is.

He's the 16-year-old tree-trunk we bought last summer in the annual Latin America Third-World Exploitation Auction. We paid $1.2 million, no doubt after caliper-sizing each billiard, analysis of DNA and retrieval of a semi-clean stool sample from the centrifuge.

Naturally, Jesus soon got hurt. Rumor is he tried to lift his money.

Yesterday, he played his first game for the Rookie League Gulf Coast League Yankees.

First time up, BANG. Home run to center field.

Next three times, two Ks and a ground out.

It's time to begin pondering John Sterling's future calls.

When Bernie Williams hit one, he'd shout: "Bernie goes boom!"
Alex Rodriguez: "An A-Bomb from A-Rod!"
Hideki Matsui: "An upper-decky from Hideki!"

Jesus Montero... any ideas?

Fire Torre, Bring Sheff Back

From The Nation Of Islam Sports Blog [via Deadspin]:

We are so quick to laugh and belittle players when they hold out or complain about contracts. Especially when they say "this isn't about money, this is about respect".

Until you have been a Negro, belittled by Joe Torre in front of the mostly white Yankees, you will never understand how true it is.

Sheff went 7 for 15 in Seattle this weekend. He hit a grand slam. He walked four times. He stole four bases in four attempts. He stole home.

He performed these dazzling feats for a postseason rival whose manager talks to him like a man.

Update: Ron's empty pants peak at $28.99

Ron Villone's baseball pants, worn during his formative days with the 2002 Pittsburgh Pirates, sold for $28.99 Sunday night on eBay.

Congratulations, Ron. That's two cases of Old Milwaukee!

What's next? Old jockstrap for pack of Winstons?

Chevrolet Player Of The Game

Gamer Wil Nieves collects an "attaboy" from the Captain after contributing an RBI double and a run in Sunday's 7-5 reaming of division rival Tampa Bay.