YANKEETORIAL: The Rays Want to Be Our Rival; Should We Let Them?

First-off, every Yank fan knows what it’s like to walk into the bar with 26 notches on your holstered cannon barrel, knowing that every punk-ass office temp in a corner booth wants a piece of your April.

And why not? You’re the Yank fan, the billionaire, the owner of A-Rods, the buyer of stars. They wonder what it’s like to have Scott Boras run your escort service, with Warren Buffet as the Molly Picon go-between, while they’re hitting on a dental clerk whose face resembles Sidney Ponson. Deal with it: They’re gonna hate you.

What to do? Ignore their beer lasers, sidle to the bar and buy a utility infielder for $5 million. Let the hot babes in the joint know not just the batting order, but more importantly, the pecking order.

So today, we have this pathetic attempt by the Rays, formerly Devil Rays, to appoint themselves “The Official Rival of the New York Yankees,” which is like Lou Bega declaring war on Bruce Springsteen, except for the fact that Lou Bega has a Gold Record to his credit.

They want a piece of us? Who cares?

The other day, some half-go-hero broke our 21-year-old catcher’s wrist, and it’s the first time in history we noticed a team exists in Tampa, something they're celebrating, as if they just received a hand-written rejection slip from National Lampoon: Wow, the editors thanked me for my submission! Yahoo! So now, they stand outside the bar, waving a broken bottle and bleeding from the gums, drunkenly calling us out like zombies in a Karl Rove campaign ad.

Trouble is, we’re in the back room with Kristin from the Emperor’s Club VIP, and why bother to go outside, because it’s raining, and cold and… and – oh, screw this analogy – you get the picture. They live in hell. Why join them?

Let them succeed.

They are our future Yankees.

We don’t injure young prospects. That would be eating our seed corn.

Now, we know what a few of you are thinking: Fugginay, sombich, it’s us Redsocks who are the official Yank rivals, and we’re America’s team because ESPN says so, and we’ll sign Eva Longora, when she's a free agent, and we got Jacoby Ellsbury, fugginay-goSocks.

(Sigh.)

Where do we start?

How about the Boston Globe website. These are forum thread numbers from this morning.

These are Redsock fans, mind you. This is what they think about.

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Dem Yanks… 960 comments.

Poor fools. They can't enjoy victory. They sit on the trophy, which proves painful. Instead of enjoying their year, they lock eyes on the rearview, worrying about who’s coming up behind them.

When you sit on the trophy, it hurts to shift weight.

By the way, you think there’s a forum like that on a Yank site? Go look. Good luck.

And good luck, Rays.

As far as we’re concerned, only one team is "the official rival of the New York Yankees."

The New York Yankees.

That’s all. We must defeat ourselves. Everybody else? Go stand in the rain and wave the bottle.

We have no time for you today. Kristin is polishing our rings.

Yankeetorial: What the Frick!?!

Well, another year of Hall of Fame announcements, another year of disappointment.

You get set for the big announcement, knowing that this must be the year ... they can't be snubbed again ... it has to be ...

And then the announcement comes. And the Ford C. Frick Award, the broadcasters' equivalent of Hall of Fame induction, goes to ...

Some guy from Seattle, for chrissakes. The legendary whatshisname.

Once again, John Sterling and Susyn Waldman are on the outside looking in.

It's been a hellish offseason for Yankee fans. Rudy deserts us. The Redsocks are Wor ... I can't even say it. Joe leaves for the Dodgers and takes Donnie Baseball with him. Stubby won't shut up. Brian MacNamee crawls out from under his rock. Knobby on the lam. Andy used HGH. With war raging across the world, Congress decides to ignore it and, instead, give us hours of nationally televised discussion of Roger Clemens' ass.

This was the year it had to happen. In an offseason of constant darkness, Yankee fans needed their first ray of sunshine (well, except for Johnny Damon's hot wife posing for SI.)

But no, this year reality slammed into us like a fastball heading toward Kevin Youkilis. I mean Seattle, for chrissakes? Granted, we all can can recall Dave Niehaus' memorable World Series call ...

Oh, wait, he's never called a World Series.

He's from Seattle, for chrissakes.

By now, it should be obvious why John and Susyn aren't both in the Hall of Fame.

It's easy to blame the anti-Yankee bias, and true, that's part of it. (Don't believe there's a bias? Go look at Don Mattingly's and Kirby Puckett's career stats and tell us why one was a first-ballot lock and one's vote totals are floundering below Mark McSteroid)

No, John and Susyn rise so much above their contemporaries that they should overcome the bias. So why can't they get in?

It's obvious. They're splitting the vote.

I mean, it's an impossible choice. The keen, no-gimmicks insight and rapier-like wit of John Sterling vs. the smooth-as-velvet voice and intellectual analysis of Susyn Waldman. How can voters choose between the two?

The simple truth is this: Few do - and some vote for John, some for Susyn. The vast majority, though, can agonize over the choice for just so long before they finally give up in frustration and vote for someone else. Like some guy from Seattle, for chrissakes.

Well, it's time to face the facts. As much as John and Susyn deserve to go into the hall together like Whitey and Mickey, it ain't happening. So, something drastic is going to have to be done.

One of the two is going to have to remove their name from consideration.

It's not fair, I know. They're a team. They go together like peanut butter and jelly; like malaria and mosquitoes; like Dick Cheney and wounded hunting partners.

As much as it hurts, one of them is going to have to pull a Mitt Romney and take one for the team. Stand up one day and say on the air that "I am not seeking, nor would I accept, the Ford C. Frick Award this year."

It would be hard. But it would be heroic. With one of the two out of the running, the other would be a shoe-in. Heck, it might even be unanimous (unless, of course, Gammons gets to vote).

Then, the next year, whomever stepped aside would get their Frick Award in a landslide. And John and Susyn would be together again where they belong. In the Hall of Fame.

Please, John and Susyn, do the right thing. One of you must withdraw from consideration, just for one year. If not for yourselves, then do it for us Yankee fans.

We don't want to have to listen to this next year:

"We at the Hall of Fame are proud to announce the winner of this year's Ford C. Frick award, from the Tampa Bay Rays ... "

YANKEETORIAL: OPEN THE GRIMSLEY STEROID FILES, YOUR HONOR

If the judge acts responsibly, Rocket and Andy will finally be certified steroid-free today.

We can't wait for these two all-time Yankee giants to receive their full exoneration... and long-overdue apology.

Yankeetorial: Rudy For President

Yankee fan/presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani has vowed to NEVER use the power of the Oval Office to win his favorite ballclub a championship.

He cannot.

Not if he wants to be elected.

Our "open society" still harbors too many Yankee haters -- aka "pennant racists."

But if Rudy wins a White House ring, we fans can expect some wonderful surprises, like this one in today's NY Daily News:

City taxpayers subsidized the salaries of nearly a dozen top Yankees execs between 2001 and 2005 and paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for lobbyists for the new $1.3 billion Yankee stadium, a new report charges.

Team management even charged the city for the cost of hotel rooms for owner George Steinbrenner and his daughter Jennifer Swindall and for a percentage of the salaries of Steinbrenner's two sons, team executives Hank and Hal Steinbrenner.

The civic watchdog group Good Jobs New York says the money came from a $5 million annual "New Stadium" planning fund.

The fund - $25 million over five years - was approved by former Mayor Rudy Giuliani in his final days in office.

That $25 million is chicken feed, considering the city's $59 billion budget. But give the First Fan a $3 trillion federal purse, then do the math:

We can spend $12.7 billion.

Put it toward middle relief, a designated hitter and a back-up catcher who can hit better than .125, then watch the rings pile up on our fingers.

The Red Sox know this.

They're so scared of our Rudyville Slugger that they're fielding their own leather--and they even call him "Mitt."

Rudy For President/First Fan
The Power of the Chief
The Pride of the Pinstripes

Yankeetorial: Rooting for America

In this turbulent time, there is only one true hope for America.

It is not victory in Iraq. It is not the iPhone. It is not Paris Hilton.

It is Derek Jeter.

We speak today not as Yankee fans but patriots. Throughout world history, one truth stands firm:

In times of peace and prosperity, the Yankees succeed.

In times of war and pestilence, the Yankees flounder.

With 26 world championships and 39 pennants, the Yankees have always ruled baseball… except during hard times. Don’t believe it? Let’s go to the videotape.

From 1913 to 1921… basically, World War I... the Yankees stunk.

From 1929 to 1931… the Great Depression… they never finished above second.

From 1942 to 1946… World War II… They won once, then collapsed.

From 1965 to 1975… Vietnam, civil unrest, Nixon, Watergate… the Yankees were pitiful.

From 1982 to 1995… recessions, savings & loan scandal, Iran-Contra, the Gulf War… horrible Yankee teams.

Do you think it coincidence that on Aug. 2, 1990, the day the Yankees fell into last place in the American League, Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait? We don’t.

Remember all that optimism as the millenium ended? Well, it happened during a run of four consecutive Yankee championships.

Then came Sept. 11, 2001. We haven’t won a World Series since.

Which brings us to 2007, this wretched lowest of seasons yet.

We're nearly bankrupt. The 10-game surge didn't work. If the Tampa Bay Devil Rays lose, somehow, it’s our fault. We can’t go into a foreign city without facing mobs. The world hates us. They hate our power. They hate our success. They hate our free agents.

Yes, we made mistakes…

Forty million for Carl Pavano. Twenty million just to negotiate with Iggy. Karl Farnsworth. That invasion of Colorado.

Today, on this holiest of Yankee holidays, we must put aside our turmoil.

You Red Sock fans, you Met fans, you "blame Yankee-first"ers... all who hate us...

Today, we are not rooting for the Yankees.

We’re making a better world.

[Posted by el duque, not Superfrankenstein, never mind what it says below.]

Yankeetorial: Healing Time for Kyle

It’s hard to say one’s sorry
When mere words are not enough
The pain that lurks inside us
Often makes us harsh and gruff.

I fear I hurt your feelings,
In my hurtful, ragged style.
I pray you will forgive me,
And still be my pitcher, Kyle.

Joe took Kyle Farnsworth out Friday night, and Kyle isn't happy.

To Kyle, we say: "Be not bitter over life's occasional 2/3 of an inning outing. Live every batter as if it is your last."

To Joe, we say: "Mended fences make strong bullpens."

Come together, old friends, for all.

YANKEETORIAL: YES NETWORK NEEDS A HANNITY & COLMES

It's time for YES, the only TV network that consistantly reports the Truth, to air a show similar to the Fox News hit, Hannity & Colmes.

We need MATTINGLY & CAN, featuring all-time great Don Mattingly and colorful former Red Sox hurler, Oil Can Boyd.

This way, Yankee and Red Sox fans can debate the issues of the day from their own unique perspectives. Example:

MATTINGLY: Tonight's topic: how overpaid is Dice-K? The Red Sox shelled out $50 million for merely the opportunity to sit down at the negotiating table. Add another $50m for the contract, and you've got the first $100 million pitcher with no major league resume. Oil, from the Boston perspective, what do you think?

OIL CAN: It is truly shameful what the Red Sox did. I would love to say otherwise, but morally I just can't.

YANKEETORIAL: 10 HARD QUESTIONS FOR MR. STERLING

1. What's your favorite aspect of this 2007 Yankee team?

2. How do you think the younger Yankees will do this year?

3. Is there really such a thing as "Yankee pride?"

4. Can you imagine the Yankees without Derek Jeter?

5. Do you think money can win ballgames?

6. Do you think there's something about being a Yankee that brings out the best in a player?

7. Do you think other teams in the playoffs will lay down because they're playing the Yankees?

8. How do think Joe Torre stacks up as a manager?

9. Which MLB team attracts the greatest number of ticket-holders to games they play on the road?

10. Do you think Yankee fans are hungering for a world championship?