Johnny Comes Through Again

Our hitter today.

Keep up the good work.

(Also, kudos to Melky and Hideki for drawing the walks!)

Yankeetorial: Healing Time for Kyle

It’s hard to say one’s sorry
When mere words are not enough
The pain that lurks inside us
Often makes us harsh and gruff.

I fear I hurt your feelings,
In my hurtful, ragged style.
I pray you will forgive me,
And still be my pitcher, Kyle.

Joe took Kyle Farnsworth out Friday night, and Kyle isn't happy.

To Kyle, we say: "Be not bitter over life's occasional 2/3 of an inning outing. Live every batter as if it is your last."

To Joe, we say: "Mended fences make strong bullpens."

Come together, old friends, for all.

WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yankees 2 • Losers 1



Start spreading the news
I'm leaving today
I want to be a part of it, New York, New York
These vagabond shoes
Are longing to stray
And make a brand new start of it
New York, New York
I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps
To find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap
These little town blues
Are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it
In old New York
If I can make it there
I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you, New York, New York.

I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps
To find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap
THEEEEEESE LITTLE TOWN BLUES
ARE MELTING AWAY
I'll make a brand new start of it
In old New York
If I can make it there
I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you, New York, New York.

The Yankees Suspend! Thuuuuuuuuh Yankees! Suspend!

C'MON, LET'S HEAR IT...

FOR A BUNCH OF CRAZY KIDS WHO NEVER QUIT, RAIN OR SHINE...

Mark your calendars, everybody.

Shout it from the rooftops! Etch it into concrete! Write it in the sky!

Our long night has ended...

OUR BOYS ARE COMING HOME!

Shea It Ain't So

Andy makes faces at Melky and takes out full-page ads against Proctor.

Rocket throws high hard ones at the kids crossing his lawn, then mistakenly mails his son's graduation check to the power company.

Damon and Abreu watch sad movies, eat raw cookie dough and do each other's hair.

Who can you turn to when the ship is sinking?

Why, a big ol' tube of clubhouse glue!

TIME FOR THE SCALPEL?

New York Debates Yankee Sterilization Law

ALBANY, NY (AP) - A bill that would require members of the 2007 Yankees to be spayed or neutered has brought howls of protest from athletic breeders and even threats from the MLB players union to pull the nation's favorite team from the state.

The measure - which would be the most sweeping statewide baseball team-sterilization law in the country - passed the Assembly by a single vote earlier this month and goes next to the Senate, where its prospects are uncertain despite the support of Yankee-loving celebrities such as Pamela Anderson, Lionel Richie and retired "Price Is Right" host Bob Barker.

It is aimed at reducing the payroll of the $200 Yankee team, which is currently out of the pennant race and floundering in the AL East.

"They may pass in other states, but their mediocrity will not be allowed in New York," said Gov. Elliot Spitzer, a proponent of the plan, who as Attorney General last year personally spayed Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez, following a dismal outing in Kansas City.

Martinez has not pitched since.

LP: R. Clemens (1-3)

HUGO CHAVEZ' ATTACK ON AMERICA: BONG HITS FOR ABREU

Hugo Chavez, that's not sulfur you smell.

It's not even George W. Bush.

It's the stench of your Venezuelan poop-machine, Bobby Abreu, who hopefully will soon return home to the commie ghetto gauchos with whom he belongs.

There, he can smoke whatever he wants. Trust us, they'll be the best hits he's had all year.

The New York Yankees have paid him $12 million a year for an occasional base on balls.

Good news, Hugo: If that doesn't destroy capitalism, nothing will.

Elizabeth Edwards Makes Live Call to Scott Proctor: I'm Asking You to Stop All These Walks

From MSNBC:

Elizabeth Edwards, wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards called into to YES Network's "Hardball" game last night to give Yankee pitcher Scott Proctor a piece of her mind.

Host Michael Kay allowed Proctor and Edwards to engage in debate for about three minutes.

Edwards asked Proctor numerous times to "stop walking in runs," especially ones that cost ballgames.

In response, Proctor told Edwards to "get out of the batter's box." Soon after, he walked in another winning run, losing to Baltimore by a score of 3-2.

Magic Number: 7 of 9

Cheer up, everybody. The math is on our side.

Boston has played 74 games at a winning rate of .649. They won't keep it up. If the Sox play the rest of the season at .600, they finish with a record of 92-69.

We have lost 37 games. All we have to do over our remaining 88 games is win 66 of them.

Sixty-six out of eighty-eight. Round it off, Yankee Trekkies.

7 0f 9.

(Mantle of Maris.)

Weaver To Yankees: "Climb On My Back."

Idle Bombers gain half a game; Ex-teammate Jeff Weaver steps up when they need him the most.

Torre: "It's all about making something happen. We have to continue to try to make something happen and make something positive happen. Hopefully, Jeff is that guy that can get it going for us."

PROFILE OF WIL NIEVES: Moose-Man Chases .150 in Fasano's Shadow

As personal backstop to Number 3 ace Mike Mussina, young Yankee catcher Wil Nieves continues to impress fans with his steaming hot bat and always-sticky mitt.

Following a tepid spring, Wil "dialed-her-up" in June, blasting his way to a solid .111 batting average, though it's still below his personal goal of .150. Also, Wil is still chasing his first 2007 four-bagger, though that "zero" HR total belies several monstrous foul balls, warning track bombs and sky-high pop-ups, the likes of which have old-time ballfans reminiscing of Jason Giambi in his pinstriped heyday.

Along with that magical but elusive .150 goal, the Puerto Rican-born Nieves must also chase the colorful ghosts of former Yankee back-up backstops John Flaherty (now a YES commentator) and the slow but beloved platemaster Sal Fasano, who is now practicing his craft somewhere in the minors. Needless to say, George Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman consider Wil an untouchable in trades, in part because of the way he handles former all-star hurler Mike "Moose" Mussina.

As the Moose's personal backstop, Wil has called several fine games, outwitting batters and coaxing the fireballing Moose into an astounding 4.92 earn run average. It's the perfect chemistry of youth and wisdom!

Here's to Wil Nieves, who at only 29, is part of the Yankee Youth Movement of 2007, which is destined to make the future as exciting as the past.

Atta, boy, Wil!

Failure? Wil won't!

Exclusive: Yankee Panel Discussion

Today's topic: Is it wise to walk the first hitter you face?

KYLE FARNSWORTH, bullpen ace: It's my thing. It's me. I want that first guy on base, because it allows me to be who I am -- "Kyle with a K." The fans know me. It's my signature move. The whole house starts rockin,' and I'm up there on the mound, saying, "See my stuff!" That's why I'm so mad when they take me out. They can't see my stuff. I gotta be me.

BOB BRUNEY, righty fireballer: If he's a good hitter, I throw at his head. If he's no good, I put him on base. Sometimes, I like to give up a double.

MICHAEL MYERS, lefty specialist: Do we really have a choice? Do we control our fates? Realize that everything has already happened. Basically, we're playing out a reality that has already occurred. When I come in, that first batter has already walked, and I have already been shelled, and that's cool. I mean, what does it matter? Really.

SCOTT PROCTOR, innings eater: It sets up my pickoff. Coach wants me to work on my pickoff.

JOHN STERLING, announcer: For my money, it's a bad idea. I tell Suzyn, it's a bad idea to walk that leadoff man. Throw strikes. Especially with a five-run lead. But, hey, what do I know? If pitching was easy, everybody would throw a perfect game, every single time. It's not easy. That's why baseball is such a great game.

Farm Report: Melky II and Freuny!

Last week, the Yankees Single A Gulf Coast League club unveiled some of the greatest baseball player names in history...

Imagine our lineup... someday...

PRILYS CUELLO 2B

MELKY MESA, OF

WADY RUFFINO OF

FREUNY PARRA C

GERSON MANZANILLO SS

ROBBIE MINOR 3B

ALEXI STILL P

NOEL CASTILLO P

JACINTO GONNELL P

And the ALMONTE BROTHERS, from A to Z... ABRAHAM and ZOLIO!

Advice For Jason

When they drag you before the Mitchell Commission and force you to talk, don't hesitate. Talk how you talk best.

With your bat.


While we're on the subject: Chicago Cub Gabby Hartnett signs an autograph for Al Capone and his kid.

Ig Game Tonight!

Dongshan asked a monk, "What’s the most painful thing in this world?" The monk said, "Hell is the most painful." Dongshan said, "Not so. If you wear monk’s robes, and underneath, you have not clarified the great matter, that’s the most painful thing." Essential Zen

Grasshopper,

Clarify what is beneath the robe of Scranton-WilkesBarre to this new matter called "life."

If you fear nothing, you have nothing to fear.

If you pitch well, you also have nothing to fear.

New Business

I propose that we designate every June 20th as Jeff Weaver Day, to commemorate the anniversary of the former Yankee's first win of the 2007 season.

He Learned the Hard Way

From today's Syracuse Post-Standard newspaper (Syracuse, NY)

To the Editor:

OK all you Yankee fans out there, I admit I made a huge mistake in my June 10 letter about the New York Yankees currently not having the class of the team in the 1960s, with the exception of Derek Jeter.

I have been bombarded with calls and letters ever since and my sister is mad at me.

I have no objections to Damon, Posada, Cairo, Matsui, Torre, Rivera, Guidry, Mattingly and Cabrera, being on the class list, and I will even throw in George Steinbrenner.

But to my surpise, most of the callers don't ever mention Chien-Ming Wang and Josh Phelps.

Also, they are all better ball players than I am.

Al Hampton
Liverpool

Ketchup Schilling Needs an MRI

Well, well, well... What might they find in Mr. Republican's $10 million dollar right wing...

A squeeze bottle?

WHEN WILL BASEBALL INVESTIGATE THE "BLOOD" ON KETCHUP SCHILLING'S "HALL OF FAME" SOCK?

Why hasn't it been tested for DNA?

HOW LONG ARE WE TO BELIEVE THAT BLOOD FLOWS UPHILL?

Don't take metal into the MRI machine, Ketchup. Might cut yourself. Nobody wants that to happen, least of all your pal, Mr. Heinz.

Moo-Hugh, Kai-Kai-Mo, Clip-My-Wang, Pet Rock!

WITH THE LATEST SIGNING,
CHECK OUT OUR FUTURE YANKEE PITCHING STAFF

Mike Moose Musina! Philip Hughes!
Kai Igawa! Kai Liu! Mariano Rivera!
Tyler Clippard! Mike Meyers! Chien Ming Wang!
Andy Petitte! Roger "Rocket" Clemens!

Moo-Hugh, Kai-Kai-Mo!
Clip-My-Wang, Pet Rock!

Ronan Tynan Can Suck Andy Phillips

Until we read returning Yankee Andy Phillips' Wikipedia entry, we had no idea he was so musical:

• He once sang the Star-Spangled Banner before a Staten Island Yankees game when the scheduled singer could not show up... He is also said to have the "best singing voice in baseball." ... He also sang the National Anthem at the University of Alabama vs. Mississippi State University football game in 2006.

• His at-bat song is Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

• His wife, Bethany, is a contemporary Christian music artist.

• His at-bat song while playing for the University of Alabama was the theme to The Andy Griffith Show.

WANG, ZHANG, LIU: AND A PENNANT, TOO

Brian Cashman is the Sam Walton of GMs.

Walton stocked his Wal-Mart stores with cheap goods from Red China. Recently Cash flew to that walled-in nation, donned the pajamas, ate whatever they put in front of him, nodded like he understood, and brought back a brand-new bargain-basement battery: pitcher Kai Liu and catcher Zhenwang Zhang.

How good are they? Doesn't matter.

We got the Red Chinese before the Red Sox.

Bring 'em back, Brian. From Red China. From North Korea. From Laos. From Vietnam. From Cuba. Bring 'em back alive to...

The People's Republic Of The Bronx!

Before Women Wreck Everything: CLONE DEREK!

The fear has haunted every Yankee fan since Derek Jeter became Captain of Mankind's Team:

Will some conniving, painted succubus destroy our perfect Yankee genetic footprint?

The following vessels have sought to yolk our Captain's seed. Thus far, each has failed.

But it only takes one to succeed.

To protect the future, we must study the past. Here, then, is the johnsterling.blogspot.com Confidential Sex Dossier on Derek Jeter. No prurience intended--or allowed.

* * *

Vessel One: Jessica Biel. Actress.

Death Grip: Her hobbies include ballet, soccer, yoga and hiking. She has a dog named East. She is a vegan.

* * *

Vessel Two: Adriana Lima, supermodel.

Death Grip: She has been romantically linked to photographer Estevan, Lenny Kravitz and the rumored son of Hulk Hogan, whose name is not important. She says she is saving her virginity for marriage. Yeah.

* * *

Vessel Three: Mariah Carey, songstress

DEATH GRIP: Plate-throwing hysterics. Incoherent web posts. The movie Glitter.

* * *

THE CLONING OPTION

Rael, spritual leader of the Raelian Sect of Canada, has inspired Clone-Aid. For a fee and a mere swab of the Captain's saliva, we can create a TEAM of Derek Jeters, 25-strong, to compete by the year 2031. This, at a fragment of the cost of 25 Bobby Abreus.

RESULT: A Yankee dynasty for our final days on earth.

* * *

CONCLUSION: CLONE DEREK NOW!

The Stars Came Out All Weekend

The Newark Star-Ledger's Yankees blog reports sightings of former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer, actor Chris Noth and journalist Bill O'Reilly at Saturday's 11-8 win... Friday's game attracted Inside Edition host Deborah Norville... Attending on Sunday: Roger Clemens.

YANKEETORIAL: YES NETWORK NEEDS A HANNITY & COLMES

It's time for YES, the only TV network that consistantly reports the Truth, to air a show similar to the Fox News hit, Hannity & Colmes.

We need MATTINGLY & CAN, featuring all-time great Don Mattingly and colorful former Red Sox hurler, Oil Can Boyd.

This way, Yankee and Red Sox fans can debate the issues of the day from their own unique perspectives. Example:

MATTINGLY: Tonight's topic: how overpaid is Dice-K? The Red Sox shelled out $50 million for merely the opportunity to sit down at the negotiating table. Add another $50m for the contract, and you've got the first $100 million pitcher with no major league resume. Oil, from the Boston perspective, what do you think?

OIL CAN: It is truly shameful what the Red Sox did. I would love to say otherwise, but morally I just can't.

Final: NYY 11, NYM 8

LP: R. Clemens (1-1)

Bush & The Babe

Yankee immortal Babe Ruth presents Yale baseball captain George H. W. Bush the original manuscript of "The Babe Ruth Story" at Yale Field in New Haven, Conn. in an AP file photo dated June 5, 1948 and republished today.

Here's a better look at 1B Bush, who played on the sad sack Yale teams that dropped the first two College World Series.

Yale never got another shot.

Former Senator Mitchell: Expand Your Steroids Inquiry into the Gravitational Flow of "Blood"

Certainly, the anti-gravitational tendencies of "blood" are well known. Everybody has watched blood from an open wound flow upwards. Right? We've cut our feet and seen the blood rise up, up, up our leg.

Well, we hope Former Senator George Mitchell, during his inqury into Major League Baseball's use of steroids, respectfully calls upon America's Leading Truth Expert in the field of Advanced Anti-Gravity Technology, Dr. Curtis "Ketchup" Schilling.

We believe Ketchup can amplify the heartfelt comments he made while testifying before Congress on March 16, 2005, when the Scientist announced:

"In 19 years in the big leagues, I have never seen a syringe."

We believe him, of course. Ketchup comes in squeeze bottles, not syringes.

Ketchup (aka: 'Catsup') also told the Congressional investigators that day, on the matter of changing the rules of the game:

"If there are loopholes ... we will close them."

Well, well, well... Was Ketchup suggesting a Band-aid approach? BECAUSE HE CERTAINLY DIDN'T CLOSE LOOPHOLES ON HIS "WOUND," DID HE? OR WAS HE MERELY APPLYING A HEALTHY DOES OF HEINZ 57 FIRST-AID CREAM?

CALL HIM, MR. MITCHELL. CALL KETCHUP TO YOUR PROBE, AND GRILL HIM LIKE THE DOG HE IS.

YOU'RE GOING TO CALL GIAMBI. CALL A RED SOCK, TOO.

OTHERWISE, WE KNOW WHICH SIDE YOU'RE ON.

Ketchup Schilling: What does this man squirt into his shoes? Hunts, Heinz or Youth Restoration Juice?

P:S:
BIG GAME TONIGHT!

Minnesota Has The Twins, New York Has The Evil Twins

Years ago, I asked a wise Yankee fan if he also liked the Mets. He said:

"They got the pinstripes, they got the NY. You might as well root for the Reverse-Flash."

The Surge is Working!

We've put runners everywhere and stopped opposition traffic at every base.

Granted, we won't know if the crackdown is a complete success until October. And right now, the only important benchmarks are those left on Joe Torre's seat after a plate of linguini and clams.

But one enemy today is cutting and running home to the desert with tail between its snakelike legs.

By the time they get to Phoenix, we'll be laughing.

Enjoy the heat, Arizona.

BIG GAME TOMORROW!

A dish best served cold

They thought we'd forgotten.

They thought we put it out of our minds how shortly after the 2001 World Series ended. just moments after Hootie and the Blowfish beat us with a dinky popfly single, the Arizona stinking Diamondbacks had the UNMITIGATED AUDACITY to play "New York, New York" on the public address system.

In the aftermath of 9-11, they mocked us.

They thought we'd forgotten.

Well, they're on our list. The thermometers hit 300 every afternoon, they haven't had rain since Britney Spears lost her virginity, John McCain has gone nuts, and they can all climb aboard the Randy "Big Unit' Johnson Victory Express, BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING NOWHERE, AND THEY CAN CHOKE ON WHAT'S COMING TODAY.

PAYBACK, BABY, PAYBACK.

YANKEETORIAL: 10 HARD QUESTIONS FOR MR. STERLING

1. What's your favorite aspect of this 2007 Yankee team?

2. How do you think the younger Yankees will do this year?

3. Is there really such a thing as "Yankee pride?"

4. Can you imagine the Yankees without Derek Jeter?

5. Do you think money can win ballgames?

6. Do you think there's something about being a Yankee that brings out the best in a player?

7. Do you think other teams in the playoffs will lay down because they're playing the Yankees?

8. How do think Joe Torre stacks up as a manager?

9. Which MLB team attracts the greatest number of ticket-holders to games they play on the road?

10. Do you think Yankee fans are hungering for a world championship?

500

Mark the date! The Yankees beat the D-backs, improving their record to an impressive .500!!!

Time to Trade Mike Meyers?

He's killing us. Even worse than Jason.

What if we packaged them up and traded them for Curt Schilling?

We could win it!

The Rocket Is Back!

Big news: Roger Clemens is a Yankee again! More on that later!