Oblique Strain for Hughes

Well, that's the diagnosis, anyway, so Phil Franchise is the Yankees' DL Addition of The Day. Congrats, Phil!

Suzyn is hoping that Darrell Rasner gets called up. Her excitement is palpable (and kind of icky, actually.)
Maybe what's required now are some Oblique Strategies, a system of dealing with challenges, co-created by non-musician and former Roxy Music member Brian Eno, producer of U2 and the imminent Coldplay album.

They need hits, too. Couldn't hurt.

FRIDAY! FRIDAY!

Ms fan Buhner's Ghost and I will beerily liveblog Friday's Wang-Bedard duel from Ozzie's Restaurant & Lounge in Seattle. We already know the story of the game: El Pavo's return to The Stadium. PLUS: If things go as planned (do they EVER?) I'll be fresh from a matinee of Iron Man, so look for some tantalizing hints. I'm announcing this now so that I can't back out.

Edwar Arrives at the Stadium

Famed reliever, Edwar Ramirez, recently got the return call for which he was hoping.

This exclusive shot shows the changeup artist arriving in style at the big ballyard in the Bronx.

Our bullpen can finally breathe a sigh of relief. Have I mentioned his changeup?

Personally, I'll miss this bloke in South Mexico. I'll drink for him and I'll pay the 30 pesos rent on his crib.

I think he'll be coming back.

Kekich vs. Peterson War Continues

Those of you over the age of 80 will remember the famous wife swap which took place between two "young guns " of the NYY pitching staff.

Mike went with Fritz's wife and , well, you get it.

Because things are "slow" in Yankeedom, this intrepid reporter traced the two former Yanks and found them still "touchy" about the subject.

I know Ian got married recently. So, stay away Phil.

It never works out. It never ends.

Fritz is the lefty on the right.

Hanging By a Thread....0 for March/April

Phil Hughes kept the streak alive last night, giving hope to a horrendous outing by Ian later in the week.

Few have noticed that baseball history is being made by this pinstripe duo, as we have a better and better chance of covering our 11,000-1 odds bet in Vegas that, between them, they won't have more than one victory by the all star break.

I have the under, and I bet the farm. So, my retirement issues will soon be a thing of the past.

As for analyzing Phil's performance; he was better, much better, than his numbers. Firstly, he went 3.2 innings, a positive stretching out of his staying power ( he had been averaging 3.1 innings per start ). Matt DeSalvo, who has many years on Phil, is the only AAA prospect who did better for the NYY during his brief shots with the Big Club.

The best news is that the fans were stunned when that third strike passed ball ( on the mis-communication between Clemens and Andy...sorry, I mean Phil and the Stewart boy catching ) registered above 88 mph on the JUGS gun.

A lot of people are buying into the argument that Phil has no command of his FB. That is so lame. The issue is that his FB is more in the 85 mph range than the 95 we were told when the Santana trade was deep-sixed.

Last year, he fooled batters because the FB was not only slower than they were ready for, but it had no movement at all and they were expecting plenty of "jump."

Hey, time for a beer. Edwar is back in the bigs. I drove him to the Greyhound terminal last night and he should be at the Port Authority by late Sunday. Wait until you see this guy's changeup.

We are playing .500 ball and only need to win 90 of the next 100 to qualify for the wild card.

Rally Time!

Suzyn: War's over, man. Hughes dropped the big one.

Sterling: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

Suzyn: Germans?

Sterling: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough... [thinks hard] the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!

[runs out, alone; then returns]

Sterling: What happened to the Yankee fans I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to agree with you Mr. Sterling, Red Sox fans might make fun of us." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Papplebon, he's a dead man! Ortiz, dead! Schilling ...

Suzyn: Dead! John's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part. Let’s trade Phil and Ian!

Sterling: We're just the team to do it.

Suzyn: Let's do it.

Together: The Yankees do it! Thuuuuuhh YANKEES DO IT!

Today in Yankeestory

1903 The New York Highlanders (to be renamed the Yankees) win their home opener at Hilltop Park beating Washington, 6-2.

Thus far, no one has been accused of using steroids.

Time to Clean House?

Back in the Golden Days, Papa Boss wouldn't hesitate to spin cycle a few young players who aren't cutting the Guldens. Considering that today, the sportswriters turned on Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy (and they are, after all, the final arbiters), let's look at some hot deals that could turn this gas-guzzling '08 Minivan around!

Trade: Phil Hughes to Whitesox for Paul Konerko.

Kony has 5 HR, and it sure would be great to see him in the line-up, protecting Giambi. He'd give us a fifth 1B off the bench in tight games. He's only batting .229, so he'd come cheap. You can never have too many DHs. Last night, we had to bat Melky for that rent-a-catcher, Chris Somethingorthother, and he could only draw a walk. Kony could have hit a HR, bringing us within two.

Trade: Ian Kennedy to Cubs for Jon Leiber.

Everybody's thinking: What? The Cubs would give up Leiber? His ERA is under 3! But we could probably get this 38-year-old steamboat, who would settle our rotation in the spirit of Rick Rhoden. He's been battle-tested in New York, and he could be positioned for a breakout year.

Trade: Joba Chamberlain for Roy Oswalt and Shawn Chacon.

Yes, you're thinking, the Astros would be crazy to give up Chacon! His ERA is 2.45! He's among the league-leaders. And Roy Oswalt, too? You must be smoking some of that Ken Phelps weed! Well, Oswalt is tanking right now. His ERA is over 6. It would be hard to see Joba go, but let's just imagine Oswalt in Pinstripes and Shawn going the entire season with a 2.45 ERA. He'd win 25!

Trade: Melky to Milwaukee for Jeff Suppan.

We'd be on top of the world with Suppan, who is only 33! Yup. I bet you thought he was at least 38. Only 33. For that reason alone, he's practically a hot prospect. He's got a solid ERA of 3.48, and we could add him to the rotation without skipping a beat. It would also solve our overcrowding problem in the outfield.

Trade: Austin Jackson, Jesus Montero, Dellin Betances, Alan Horne and a couple others for Benji Molina.

Let's corner the market on Molinas! The guy is having a breakout season at age 34. He's batting .301! With him in the line-up, we can rest Jorge. And those kids? Forget them. They'd get off to a bad start, the writers would eat them up, and we'd end up getting less in trades.

Wait... do we have anybody left over to get Melvin Mora? Carlos Delgatto?

Could we trade for Randy Johnson again? That always works, doesn't it?

Another one bites the dust

Who's next?
Whodunnit?
When he signed, I asked him, "Number 13... you don't have TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA

...do you?

Breaking: John McCain is only 5'7" tall

I didn't know this.

Not sure what to make of it.

Five feet, seven inches... and that's what he's reporting. He's actually probably shorter.

(If I were 5-7, I'd claim to be 5-8.)

This guy to the right is 5-7.

So is this weird pixie lady.

She looks like she would be 5-7.

This scary lady looks taller. But she isn't.

She's 5-7.



Should we worry about this?

Running On Empty

Edwar and I have about had it.

As you know, we have been touting the merits of Phil and Ian since day one. Our vow was to have a beer everytime Ian or Phil gave up a hit, walked a batter, allowed an earned run, or took a "L."

The purpose of this arcane position was to " take one for the team." Knowing how good these two top prospects are, we figured we would both lose weight from an extended "dry period" with respect to hops and malts.

Well, when you consider the value of the dollar down here in South Mexico, we are now broke and fat if not still thirsty.

Tonight, Phil Hughes picks up from the two plus innings of shutout ball he threw prior to the rainout in Cleveland. Or Chicago.

Edwar is looking more and more like Boomer Wells, but he is hanging in there and, yesterday, played every position in an 11-8 loss to the desert caballeros, from Mazatlan.

His cell phone remains on direct dial from Mr. Cashman. But he still has only the one pitch which, as we all know, he sometimes has trouble locating.

Four new cases of cervesa ( sp?) arrive at noon today, and we'll have a few pre-game chugs just to move Phil along in his quest for getting win number one for the Wii generation of Yankees, hopefully before the all star break.

Go Yankis !!!!

Wonder what the gentleman from Indiana is saying now?

The Hon. Dan Burton , R-Indiana, had this to say to Brian McNamee at the congressional hearing over steroids oh not so long ago:

"But Roger Clemens is a baseball -- he's a titan in baseball. And you and with all these lies, if they're not true, are destroying him and his reputation. Now how does he get his reputation back if this is not true? And how can we believe you because you've lied and lied and lied and lied?"

Oh, yeah? Burton is a baseball.

Pure Roger

Just after Roger "nuked" the ( then ) Devil Rays in a 4-0 win, he headed out for some family and faith music at a little Karioke bar in Fort Meyers, Florida ...or so the story goes.

Unexpectedly, he fell for a 15 year old choir girl who returned to his room for bible study.

Ten years later, the young singer is looking for a comeback ( sound familiar, Roger?) after a few bouts with drugs, alcohol, and the law.

The law? Isn't it legal to hold bible studies in your motel room with 15 year old virgins? Was her name Mary or Mindy?

In any case, Roger denies anything other than good old readings from the gospel with Mindy during the next ten years of their gatherings.

Mindy's mom backs up Roger, although she did indicate she was not actually in the room with the two of them.

Roger's wife is reportedly in Cabos with Tony Romo.

Holy cow !!

Paul O'Neill's fans strike again!

First it was LaTroy Hawkins.


Now ... Kevin Spacey


Who's their next target?

In the movies, Dennis Farina would solve our catching woes

"ESCAPE TO NEW YORK: THE MIKE PIAZZA STORY."
ACT ONE:

Mike becomes a star with the Dodgers and Mets, while always secretly pining for Derek Jeter. He has the pick of the litter, babe-wise. But he's a defensive liability. His life is never complete.

ACT TWO:

Mike is released by the Oakland A's. He goes from card show to card show, fashioning out a meager trade, having his pick of the litter, aging dancer-wise. But something is missing.

ACT THREE:

The phone rings. It's Brian Cashman on the line. "Jorge's hurt," the plucky GM says. "We need you." Mike is stunned. "I'm a defensive liability," he says. "They'll run on me." But he goes to Denzell Washington (played by Oscar Gamble), who teaches him the art of self-control. And then he signs with the Yankees, leads the team to the championship, and wins at last the man of his dreams.

What a way to open a series

Get this.

The Yankees will get the chance to take batting practice off of Kenny Rogers tomorrow!
Of course, some people believe this guy to just be a lookalike.

What does the audience think?

Careful, Joey G.

A friendly word of advice from your pals here at It Is High: Please be careful with the press, Joe, especially when it comes to players and injuries. You might be able to get away with testiness and lack of openness in Opa-Locka or Coral Gables — though you didn't — but in that movable media feast that is the New York Yankees, you don't wanna get on the wrong side of the ink-stained wretches.

Peter Abraham. Mark Feinsand. Tyler Kepner. Sweeny Murti. THOSE guys.

Take care of them or they will take care of you.

Excerpt of Conversation between Roger Clemens, Mindy McCready, Monica Lewinsky and Michael Jordan

FROM THE DAILY NEWS:

During another Big Apple excursion, the two holed up in the trendy SoHo Grand and later partied with Monica Lewinsky and Michael Jordan. McCready, according to a source, even bummed a cigar off His Airness to give to Clemens.

FROM THAT ENCHANTED EVENING...

MINDY: … and so when Rocket’s jet hits the tarmac, BLOOEY, his knee flies up and breaks my nose! It's just a dang accident, fer crissakes, but there's blood everywhere. You'd think I was some crazy lady. Say, anybody got OxyContin?

ROGER: Ha. Ain’t she something? I call her my "road trip honeybee," because she buzzes my hive with her sweet nectar. Speaking of nectar, who’s low on Rocket Fuel? You, Mona?

MONICA: Could you please freshen my 7&7.

MINDY: I was in a seven-on-seven once. A coupla Dallas Cowboy linebackers. Got myself two busted ribs and a Charley Horse. Wrote a song about it, “Hit Me Again and I’ll Have Your Truck.”

MICHAEL: I remember that song. Dennis Rodman used to warm up to it, wearing full bridal dress.

MINDY: I think I dated Dennis Rodman. I lost four teeth. They used to talk about him going to the backboard. What he really did was go to the bedboard.

ROGER: Hah. Ain’t she something? You should have seen her in 10th grade. Hey, none of you are with Child Protective, right? Good. So, Mona, when you’re not Presidential interning – you know, all that secret stuff you do for national security -- you follow baseball?

MONICA: A little. My friends call me Calvin Schiraldi, because I blew the Biggest Save of My Career.

ROGER: Well, heh, you stay away from that Bill Clinton. Listen, kid, you got something special, and that creep can't carry your shoes. Yeah, you may be a little chubby, but you got a major league strike zone. Tell you what: Look me up in Houston, and I'll line you up with Jose Canseco.

MINDY: Jose Canseco? He's got himself a twin brother, right? I think I dated them once. Broke my wrist with a tire iron. Hey, about that OxyContin...

Pork and Mindy?

Follow up on Suzie's post (below.)

Yeesh. The Rocket had a 10 year affair with county singer Mindy McCready?

Here are the lyrics to her hit song, "10,000 Angels."

Speaking of the devil
Look who just walked in
He knows just where to find me
Here we go again
I can tell he's gonna ask me to dance
But that's not as far as he wants to go
I need ten thousand angels
To help me tell him no

Yeessh. Was she referring to Wally Joyner and Jim Edmonds?

It's gonna be a long year.

Roger, Roger, Roger. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

So the Titan started lying to his wife when he was 28 and the "other woman(?)" was 15?

Roger Clemens seems to be making quite the career out of saying everyone on the planet misremembers reality except him.

Mindy McCready? No jokes here. Sad and sadder. Her bio reads like the lyrics to a bad country ballad, and when her life was a swampy mess, lurking somewhere in the slime was a Titan, a hero, a guy with a valuable rookie card.

Rhoidsock Nation Suspects Papi

On the al Yazeera forum, the frat boys are wondering if Shrek was on the Brian McNamee butt-enhancement plan.

Check out these comments. (BTW, we at IIH-IIF-IIc encourage readers, like Republicans voting for Hillary in the Ohio primary, to join this forum and weigh in. Remember: Give yourself a Redsock name.) It gets really personal, really fast.

1. Posted by bigdl52 on Apr-26 11:25 AM:

Big Papi Steroid rumors are resurfacing....Symptoms of Steroid Withdrawal?? Knee, shoulder, joint pains...Look at Giambi.. Of course loss of power and bat speed... Papi with 54 homers in 2006 followed by shoulder pains, alleged bad knee in 2007 though Sox never acknowledged that, never did anything regarding that issue.

In 2007 huge drop in home runs...First two thirds of season had only 15 homers..but hitting over 330... Why? If the knee hurt so bad why the great average... Why did he hit 20 homers the last third to wind up with 35?? Was it because he stopped juice and or HGH, saw there was no blood test, so resumed in season enabling the better final third of season?? This year Mitchell report and Roger Clemens hearings.. Did they scare Big Papi totally off the stuff???

2. Posted by eddiehouseson on Apr-26 11:30 AM

STFU YOU IMBECILE

NINETEEN PAGES OF COMMENTS LATER....

184. Posted by markes8336 on 12:01 AM

Did I honestly just get called out by a cockroach??? LMAO

Wow, I haven't heard a challenge like that since 4th grade!

I would take him on any day, even without my trusty can of RAID - lol.....

It's just Melky being Melky

Florida Yankee Made The Cut

The super-alert Buhner's Ghost points us to an obit we would have otherwise missed. Which would have been terrible. As you'll see.

Cantor Abraham Seif, the ritual circumciser who probably separated more newborn Jewish boys from their foreskins than any other mohel in South Florida history, has died at 86.

Known far and wide as Seif the Knife -- or

Wait for it...

The Yankee Clipper -- the Polish-born Holocaust survivor learned the delicate procedure in Brooklyn after World War II.

By 1988, Seif estimated he'd done 10,000 circumcisions, yet he told The Miami Herald that he still recalled the first one.

''I fainted,'' he said. ``Everyone does.''

King Of Circumcisions Dies At 86
Miami Herald

Posada out with torn shoulder

Mark Feinsand of the Daily News, in the half-inning chit-chat with John and Suzyn, broke the news to them and the world:

He read it on the NY Times web site (How many media references does it take to screw in a lightbulb?) that Posada has a tear in a shoulder muscle, and he's going to have it examined.

Suzyn expressed anger that this diagnosis wasn't made sooner. She remembered a similar situation with Bernie's shoulder, and it's clear that she no longer trusts doctors. She said it will likely require surgery. She is going to want some answers about this. If some doctor tries to bullshit her, she'll bite his nose off and spit it in his face. She's fuming.

Upon hearing the news, John was devastated. He ascribed a significance similar to the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. He kept asking what it means, what will happen to Jorge, who will catch, how would we go on? He said Giambi and Cano have to get it together. He said we all must go on. He was sort of like Winston Churchill, rousing the spirit of the English masses during the bombing raids. Very courageous.

Yanks face Future Teammate Today

C.C. Sabathia

A hundred mill oughta do it.

A nice pulled hamstring would keep his innings down this year.

Battle of the Joes

Madden (Tampa)... 13-11 __
Girardi (NY)........ 12-13 1.5
Torre (LA).......... 11-13 2

The haunting horror of Number 23

FACT: Psalm 23 is the most quoted psalm.

FACT: It took 23 years for the Koran to be revealed to Muhammad.

FACT: Human sex cells have 23 chromosomes.

FACT: The earth tilts at an axis of 23.5 degrees.

FACT: It takes blood 23 seconds to flow through the human body.

FACT: Today, we left 23 runners on base.

THAT'S MORE THAN 2 PER INNING... OR EVERY 3 OUTS!

Welcome back, Shelley!

No, not the lyric poet!

Jeez! This is a Yankees blog, right?

Poetry? Sure, Scooter's musings were powerfully poetic, enduring and evocative, but the It Is High crew welcomes our pal Shelly Duncan back to the line-up.

Spikes up, dude!

The Power of the Yankees

THE POWER OF THE YANKEES

By Goin'yard Kipling

There is sorrow enough in the natural way

From men and women to fill our day;

But when we are certain of sorrow in store,

Why do we always arrange for more?

Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware

Of giving your heart to a Yankee to tear.

Buy a ticket and your money will buy

Love unflinching that cannot lie--

Perfect passion and worship fed

By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.

Nevertheless it is hardly fair

To risk your heart for a Yankee to tear.

When the pitchers' years which Nature permits

Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,

And the trainer's unspoken prescription runs

To lethal chambers or loaded guns,

Then you will find--it's your own affair

But . . . you've given your heart to a Yankee to tear.

When the team that lived at your single will

When the whimper of welcome is stilled (how still!)

When the spirit that answered your every mood

Is gone to the broadcast booth --for good,

You will discover how much you care,

And will give your heart to a Yankee to tear!

We've sorrow enough in the natural way,

When it comes to burying Christian clay.

Our loves are not given, but only lent,

At compound interest of cent per cent.

Though it is not always the case, I believe,

That the longer we've watched 'em, the more do we grieve:

For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,

A short-time loan is as bad as a long

So why in Heaven (before we are there!)

Should we give our hearts to a Yankee to tear?

"Back then, they amputated.”

Brian Bruney is done for the year.

He suffered a "Lisfranc," which is the George Will way of saying his dog is barking bad.

Lisfrancs are a bitch. They take time. In the old days, as Joe Girardi said yesterday, Bruney would return on a peg.

For a long time, we at IIH-IIF-IIc used Bruney as a punch line. The body, the tattoo, the jowls, the lead-off walks -- he symbolized our annual bullpen collapse.

He came to camp this year changed. He'd lost weight. He'd gained discipline. It showed on his face. It showed in his pitching.

He became the one guy on our roster who seemed to have risen to a new level.

(Maybe, after all, Robinson Cano never will.)

Now this.

Well, life sucks. You play the cards you're dealt. We wish Brian Bruney the best. He leaves as the guy who saved himself. We think he'll be back, and when he does, he'll have a fine career.

He deserves our support. He deserved better than this.

No more Bruney jokes. Of course, we now have Chris Britton.

I wonder if he's been watching?

The Bud Selig Magic 8-Ball

Yeeeesh. Bud Selig held a news conference today, hinting that baseball officials won't face fines for the steroids scandal. They might as well have been interviewing a rock.

This is what Mr. Quotebox said:

ON THE SCANDAL: "Whatever has happened has happened."

ON PLAYERS NAMED IN THE SCANDAL: "Just the announcement of all their names was punishment enough."

ON THE YANKEES CHARGING $500 TO $2,500 FOR SEATS NEXT YEAR: "They know their market better than I do."

ON ESPN CONFRONTING MIGUEL TEJADA WITH THE FACT THAT HE'S 33, TWO YEARS OLDER THAN HE CLAIMS: ""I was saddened by it."

Yeeeeesh.

Next time, they should raise these subjects:

GENOCIDE IN DARFUR: "The world can be a terrible place."

PEDOPHILES WHO LIVE AMONG US: "Far be it from me to judge."

NAKED, BIG-BREASTED BIKER CHICKS: "They certainly have a better idea about what they want than I do."

AMBIVALENCE: "Hard to say."

First pictures of ARod's kid

Considering blood lines, you know it's healthy.

Going to Cleveland, dropping like flies.

Joba got whomped.

Bruney's dog is barking.

Kyle tweaked his elbow.

ODorf threw 49 pitches.

We are returning to the land of Edwar Ramirez, Darrel Rasner, Chris Britton and Jose Veras.

Scranton. Our future lies here...

Rain delay fun

Our second delay of the night leads me to do some number crunching.
Mainly, on this fella right here:
Yes, that is Youk (I know you can't see his bald noggin, but it's under there)

Anyways, take a look at these here numbers.
Now, Youkilis was hit by a pitch 15 times in 2007.
So far this year he has only been hit once.

At this rate, Youk might get hit 6, maybe 7 times throughout the season. So what do we do?
Farnsworth him.

There are 13 games against the Red Socks for the rest of the year. If Farnsworth comes in at least half of those to face Youk, we will meet our quota.
If Joba comes in the other half and doesn't miss like he did last year, we will most likely double our profits of Youk's HBP.

John Sterling Poem: "On Mourning an Afternoon"

On Mourning an Afternoon

By John Sterling
(Spoken tonight)


It's not nice to say this,
And I'm really ashamed of myself,
But of course,
If they had played this afternoon,
They would have played nine innings
In beautiful weather.
Anyway, they're putting the tarp on.
I mean I don't blame them,
Putting the tarp on.
It is POURING.

And Suzyn,
Looking at it from the Yankee standpoint,
(We are Yankee broadcasters,
And the two of us have basically
Seen every game for twenty years.)
It's too bad
Because Hughes was pitching well.
I know it's only two innings
And he had a three-nothing lead.
But who knows?

April 24, 2008
Second inning

Buy Stubby A New Shirt

Yankee Fans:

Tired of seeing Stubby in the same white golf shirt day after day?

Think the wardrobe should match his no-holds-barred demeanor?

Then go out and buy the man a new shirt!

Just make sure it's something that will go with a blue sportscoat.

Thank you,

IIH, IIF, IIc

Alphonso Reveals Truth about Ian and Phil

I've been sitting on this "bombshell" for two years.

As you will undoubtedly perceive, I am breaking a key personal rule in sharing this with you.

Specifically, I have never told the truth to anyone about anything. That's why I have been successful as an "in the field " reporter for IIHIIFIIc.

Here goes: Phil Hughes' fastball is not in the mid nineties. It is in the low 70's. His key to minor league ( and high school ) success was always in creating the perception that he threw in the mid nineties.

Phil had a buddy ( see photo above ) carry a rigged radar gun to all his games . The technology was such that his gun could hyper-link to any scoreboard, pre-empt the "official" LED posting, and show a fabricated number for his behind the head fastball.

As for Ian, he never lied.

His fastball is really a "floater." It leaves his hand at about 80mph and then hesitates halfway to the plate. On average, let's just say Ian's fastball makes Mike Mussina's FB look like Nolan Ryan's at his peak.

Ian wins only when he can demonstrate superior intelligence to his opponents.

So Ian and Phil both depend upon deception, buffoonery and ball placement for success.

So far, they have not been placing any of their balls in the right spots.

With their money, it is just a matter of time.

Outtakes from the Stubby interview

OK, so Hank's comments that it's "idiotic" that Joba isn't in the starting rotation right now, innings limits be damned, got all the press, but Stubby said some other things that got lost in the shuffle. As a public service, IIHIIFIIc now presents excerpts from the rest of the interview.


"Why the hell is it three strikes for an out, but four balls for a walk? How fair is that? I'm not sure what moron made that rule, but I'm on the horn to Selig ASAP to talk to him about that. Make it 3-and-3 or 4-and-4. That's smart. That's fair. I'm a patient man, I know we can't change it in the middle of a season, but mark my words, that rule ain't gonna be in the books next year."

"Another thing that pisses me off. You ever notice the bases? Check it out - first, second and third bases are all square, but home's got, like, five sides or something like that. What pea-brain is behind that? I mean, that's just sloppy. Shit, someone needs to pay attention to detail in this league - is it just me, or is everyone incompetent in this game? I guarantee we'll get that fixed before than All-Star Game. We're not going to look stupid here."

"I ain't all that impressed with this Pope guy. I flew back to New York to see what all the hubbub was when he came, and I ran into him in a hallway at the stadium and said, 'Hey Benny, what's up? Should Joba be a set-up guy or a starter?,' and he looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about. I mean, you visit someone, you learn a little about their interests. That's just basic fucking politeness there. What a jerk."

"Why are there nine guys on defense, instead of a nice, round number like 10? I saw this slow-pitch softball game, and they had four outfielders per team, for a total of 10 guys on the field. See, someone was thinking there. That's the way to do things. People like round numbers. Whatever shit-for-brains came up with the idea for nine guys on a side wouldn't last long in my organization, that's for sure."

"I just bought some of that ProCede stuff. I bet it's good shit. I mean, Giuseppe Franco wouldn't put his name on the line for something that doesn't work."

Bloomberg-Girardi '08? The Bumper Stickers

From the Yankee Pravda:

Yankees manager Joe Girardi had a surprise guest visitor in his office at U.S. Cellular Field, welcoming in New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg for a
brief, informal chat.

"We talked baseball," Girardi said.

Yeah, right.

And Giambi's the Easter Bunny.

Apparently, Hillary will do anything to sabotage Obama, even seduce an earnest Yankee manager into joining a third party spoiler ticket.

Oh, well... At least they'll have neat campaign stickers...

BLOOMBERG/GIRARDI
Building America's Bridge to Mariano

BLOOMBERG-GIRARDI
SEND IN THE BOMBERS

BLOOMBERG/GIRARDI
MORE JOBS, MORE JOBAS

Bloomberg-Girardi
The Manager's Party



Vote Michael the Blue
(And Girardi, too!)



BLOOMBERG '08
Bring Joe to the Plate



Bloomberg/Girardi
SAFE AT HOME

MIKE AND JOE
No bull, just bullpen.

Bloomberg/Girardi
New York/New York

Bloomberg! Girardi!
For the USA-Rod.

IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS...
BLOOMBERG-GIRARDI

You Say Guillen, I Say Gui-zhen

Seeing Ozzie Guillen in the dugout tonight has me wondering.

Back when Jim Kaat was in The Booth, he called Ozzie Guillen, "Ozzie Gui-zhen."

I could never figure out (1) why he thought it was pronounced that way, and (2) why nobody in the production truck ever set him straight.

Now, I love Jim Kaat. The guy could pitch and play his position with the best of them.

But how do you get Gui-zhen from Guillen?

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

In today's Providence Journal-Bulletin

Looks to me like the construction worker s plan to curse the New York Yankees by planting hard-hitting David Ortiz s No. 34 jersey in their new stadium has backfired ( Yanks dig up Sox shirt from new stadium, sports, April 14). Instead of jinxing the Yanks, it s done all the damage to Ortiz: 0 for 17, 1 for 29, batting average .070. Who s gloating now?

Mark Twain said it best: When the human race has once acquired a superstition, nothing short of death is ever likely to remove it.

DAVID DiSAIA
North Providence

A Grand Salami!

But Abreau's bases-clearing blast was almost not enough.

(Some reliable middle relief would be nice.)

Step Right Up: The Baseball Theme Park is Coming to NY

From the Yankee website, a glimpse of either heaven or hell.

Yogi Berra and Derek Jeter have been named the official spokesmen for the 2008 DHL All-Star FanFest, which will be held July 11-15 at the Jacob K. Javits Center in New York.

They're calling it "an interactive baseball theme park."

To celebrate, an apparently Disney automated Jeter says this:

"DHL All-Star FanFest is a unique event that will bring excitement and enjoyment to baseball fans of all backgrounds. DHL All-Star FanFest is the largest baseball fan event in the world, and I can't think of a better stage to hold this type of once-in-a-lifetime experience than New York City."

Wow. A baseball theme park...

Twenty-Six Flags Amusement Park.

Main attractions:

TED WILLIAMS FROZEN TALKING HEAD.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN.

IT'S A SMALL WANG AFTER ALL.

THE BIG UNIT TOWER OF TERROR.

ANDY PETTITTING ZOO.

GEORGE STEINBRENNER 1980s MANAGER-GO-ROUND.

DEB CLEMENS-JESSICA CANSECO HALL OF BOOBJOBS.

INFLATABLE GIAMBI DP BOUNCER.

RIDE THE SEPTEMBER 07 AMAZING METS SLIDE.

THE McNAMEE CRUSHED BEER CAN SYRINGE COLLECTION

SEE THE HORRIFYING WAX MAN

Jeez Whacketh Number Three

Tonight, future Yank savior/catcher Jesus Montero hitteth number three --one for the Father, one for the Son and one for the Holy Ghost --at Charleston in the South Atlantic League.

Jesus, he's 3 for 4 tonight, and his .378 average has gotta be leading the league.

Alphonso Defends Youngsters

Sitting under a Pecan tree in a Southern Mexico town, I decided it was time for someone to speak up for Phil and Ian.

According to the National Archives of baseball statistics, only one team ever started two pitchers under the age of 23 who won a game before the all star break . Ths St. Louis Browns in 1951 started Satchell Paige ( no birth certificate, but Satchell claimed he would be 23 that October ) and the great grandfather of Eddie Waitkus, who then was 14.

" Hey Edwar, can you bring over that other bottle of tequilla?"

These two young prospects went 0-11 with 7 no decisions and 4 DNPs, before combining to win a game against the Philadelphia Athletics during a rain shortened game in Schieb Park on June 29th.

" Can you cut up another lime or two? Thanks, buddy."

In any case, an 0-5 record for Phil and Ian, with a combined 9.00 ERA ( estimated; neither Edwar nor I am/are in the right " frame of mind" to do weighted average math ) is not cause for alarm.

" We are betting a season ticket to the South Mexico dirt field league , that one of these dudes will clock a win befor the all star break of 2008."

" I'll tell you what," says Edwar ( actually, a local sinorita is translating for him ), " on a cost per win basis, that is still better than Jason Giambi on a cost per RBI basis ( emphasis deleted ).

Now that I think of it, Edwar looks ready to start himself. He still has only the one pitch and, yes, he still has "location " problems. But his elbow is in great shape.

Think I'll give gronk a call.

We are wasting this guy.

Al Yazeera Letter to the Editor

In Sunday's Boston Globe.

Keep Yankees curse alive - vote GOP

SINCE 1972, when George Steinbrenner made an illegal campaign contribution to Richard Nixon (for which he was subsequently pardoned), the Yankees have not won a World Series when a Republican was president. The Yankees have won when Jimmy Carter or Bill Clinton was in office. Any true Red Sox fan should vote for the Republican presidential candidate to prevent the Yankees from obtaining another World Series ring. This would make Massachusetts a Red (Sox) state.

MITCHELL DRUCKER
Tampa

IT IS HIGH Response:

Dear Mr. Drunker,

You're right.

As we have argued, the last 8 years are totally linked to the administration of George W. Bush.

Thank you for making our case.

Everyone wishing for another 4 years of peace and prosperity should root against the Yankees in 2008.

Your friends,

IIH, IIF, IIc

Times: McCain Smooged Political Oilcan at Yank Games

In Today's Times.

The Gray Lady claims St. John McCain greased some real estate woopie with Arizona developer Donald Diamond during Yank-Diamondback games.

Dammit. This is an outrage!

Not that they cozied-up -- hell, no surprise there -- but that the two would bill and coo over a land deal at a Yankee game.

Story says, at one point, when Diamond is cooking up a deal, he writes to McCain:

''Sorry you can't make it to the Yankees series."

There oughta be a law. Wait a minute. There is. McCain wrote it.

Report: Cashman, Hank "On Same Page"

News hounds reported today that despite Hank Steinbrenner's slip of the lip -- in which he suggested some members of the Yankee braintrust are "idiots" -- GM Brian Cashman and Stubby are now "on the same page."

Those reports failed to answer one essential question: On the same page of what book?

Is it from the History aisle?

Was it from the Health & Fitness aisle?

How about the adorable Children's Section?

Would it be found in the Romance Department?

We suspect if one were looking for the book that Brian and Hank are on the same page of, it might be in the Comics Rack right near all the single fellas playing "WarCraft."

Time to Watch our Tongues

Back in 2001, when some TV funnyman dared question George Bush war strategy, eloquent White House press hound and superYankfan Ari "Not Hairy" Fleischer said it best:

"There are reminders to all Americans that they need to watch what they say."


Ari, where art thou?

Because that is the hell of present day Yankeeland:

We are handing the Redsock Nation madrassas easy propaganda victories on their 24-7 hate machine media.

Witness the cackling of today's al Yazeera Globe:

"The (Redsock) strong start is only reinforced by the fact that the Yankees' situation could implode. Already Hank Steinbrenner is talking about Joba Chamberlain and his 100-mile-per-hour fastball being in the rotation and called anyone who didn't see that "an idiot.""

Yes, they're laughing in the Kremlin, using our words against us.

Skeptical comments against our current Yank regime are being audio-looped throughout Boston, used to brainwash their blueshirt youth.

We at IT IS HIGH hereby demand that bloggers, reporters, announcers, politicians and citizens hold their tongues about the dismal -- NO, MAKE THAT "hopeful" -- state of the Yankees.

We call for a Citizen Ministry of Criticism Restraint.

OK, calm down, rights-huggers. Don't get in a Huffington post about free speech.

We're just saying free speech works best when everybody shuts the hell up.

From now on, if you have something to whine about Giambi's bat or Mussina's fastball, keep it to yourself. Beat the dog. Tug on a fire hydrant. Take a pill.

Loose lips cost hits.

With that in mind, we offer non-confrontational information content, designed to elevate the sphere of Yankee intellectual discourse AND NOT GIVE THE REDSOCK NATIONALS PROPAGANDA TOOLS TO BE USED AGAINST US.

SUBJECT: ARod's tweaked quad.

QUESTION: What is the status of ARod's leg?

ANSWER: Here is relevant information.

See? That's how you do it.

You don't go blabbing about ARod's superprego wife. You give out relevant Yankee Citizen Ministry of Criticism Restraint-approved infotoids.

In this time of crisis, let's remember the manfan called Ari and honor him through his most rousing bleacher chant: "No com-ment."