Arod: Captain of ... Industry?

The awesomeness of Arod can only be compared to his preternatural lack of self-awareness. It's part of his charm, such as it is.

He's not just a craven self-promoter, but someone who's had a second coming and seeks to leverage the public's short, addled memory.

And the esteemed multi-Pulitzer Prize awarded Miami Herald is playing a part in the rehabilitation of the tarnished image of the Yankee near-great. He's been selected, with slight notice or fanfare, as a judge in the paper's annual Business Plan Challenge.

Strange days, indeed.

  

Now It's Serious...

Minka loves Derek.

Kate loves Alex.

Minka and Kate?

Not so much, according to the paper that shows up on Mr. Torre's doorstep each morning.

I'm totally fine with this, by the way.

Today In Erectile Dysfunction

Corroborated here

UPDATE! I was wrong. Manny wasn't taking boner pills. Manny was taking Octomom juice.

Gammons-Prejean Exclusive Interview

PETER GAMMONS: Carrie, this weekend reports surfaced that the Miss California Pageant paid for your breast implants. What is the truth?

CARRIE PREJEAN: When I first got into pageants, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me, and I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day.

Back then, it was a different culture. It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that, you know, I was worth being one of the greatest contestants of all time. And I did get free breast implants. You know, for that I’m very sorry and deeply regretful.
... The culture back then, and the California pageant scene overall, was very -- I just feel that, you know, I’m just sorry. I’m sorry for that time. I’m sorry to my fans. I’m sorry for my fans in California. It wasn't until then that I ever thought about a substance of any kind, and since then, I've proved to myself and to everyone that I don’t need any of that.

PETER GAMMONS: You're saying that you went from an A-cup to a solid C?

CARRIE PREJEAN: That’s pretty accurate, yes.

PETER GAMMONS: Prior to the boob job, what kind of substances were you taking?

CARRIE PREJEAN: Peter, that’s the thing. Again, it was such a loosey-goosey era. I’m guilty for a lot of things. I’m guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions. And to be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what substance I was guilty of using.

PETER GAMMONS: Where did you originally get the substance?

CARRIE PREJEAN: Again, at the time, you know, you have nutritionists, you have doctors, you have trainers. That’s the right question today: Where did you get it? We’re in the era of organic chicken ... Back then, it was just about what. There’s many things that you can put in your bra to make your chest look bigger. I mean, there’s chicken cutlets, tape.
I'm not sure exactly what substance I used. But whatever it is, I feel terribly about it.

Good News, Everyone

The New York Daily News has obtained a copy of Selena Roberts' book. She says he juiced as a Yankee.

Which would indicate some desire to win as a Yankee.

Which comes as a pleasant surprise.

Farnsworth Still Farnsworth

Kyle blew another one. Lucky for Yankee fans, he did it in Royals blue this time. 

Time to punch someone Kyle. 

(Hat tip to www.kosherham.com for Kenny Powers image)

Teix: An Academic All American Teammate

Mark Teixeira refers to a John Donne poem in a New York Times quote regarding his fellow Yankees standing by ARod & his hot pee. Somewhere in Annapolis, a High School English teacher is disgruntled no more.

“There’s no question I’ll be there,” said the Yankees’ new first baseman, Mark Teixeira...I’m going to open my arms for Alex and be there for him. He’s not on an island. A lot of people think this is going to tear the team apart. I think it’s going to bring the team together.”

I bet the only poem Ole Golden Thong knows starts out, "Hickory Dickory Dock, some chick was suckin' my $#$*..."

Who is A-Rod's "Cousin?"

The Inquisition

1:31 EST: Alex is a gifted player. Alex has to tell the truth. Alex has to be sorry. There are hundreds of ways to say these things and the pre-show pundits know them all.

1:39: We don't know if he's sorry, but he is late. Is he coming? Did he kill himself? You have to ask. He seems like a guy who's looking for a reason. But this would be a bad one.

1:41: Harold Reynolds: "This is his State Of The Union." Whoa.

1:43: The Yankees announce that A-Rod is late because he's still at his physical. Because they think we'll believe it?

1:46: I heard a rubber glove snap. Bend over, A-Rod.

1:48: That was quick! He's here! With pants on!

1:50: All lined up at the table. Nervous bunch. Cashman, as always, looks like he's waiting for a text from Satan. A-Rod looks like he expects the doctor to come back with the rubber glove.

1:53: A-Rod admits he's nervous! He's telling the truth! He's telling the truth!

1:56: "It's my cousin's fault, too. We were adorable, ignorant kids."

1:57: "They're testing me LITERALLY ALL OF THE TIME NOW, so leave me alone."

1:58: "Did I mention I was adorable?"

1:59: Oh, A-Rod, is there a pill that will keep you from crying?

2:00: The first question is really mean. "If you hadn't been caught, would you have ratted yourself out?" What do you think, creepy reporter?

2:01: By the way, A-Rod told his first lie a few minutes ago: "Baseball is a lot bigger than Alex Rodriguez."

2:05: Were you cheating?
"It wasn't cheating because I'm exempt because I didn't go to college."
Did you take pills or did you shoot?
"Ol' mama spike right in the mainline."
Why is Jamie Moyer being such a dick?
"?"
Why did you make it impossible for us to raise our kids?
"So God could give me this pulpit from which to raise your kids for you."

2:07: "I don't even know what the dope did to me. I must have been really faced... also, a 25 year old is still a kid."

2:10: He says "we're a family." About the Yankees. Derek Steinbrenner and Mariano Steinbrenner shift in their seats.

2:11: If Derek had heat vision, A-Rod would be dead.

2:14: Hey, speak English. A whole question asked and answered in Spanish. What if it was THE answer that PROVED EVERYTHING?

2:18: "It goes back to being young and being curious." Are we still talking about drugs?

2:19: "I respect Selig." FREAK!

2:20: What's in the bottle, freak?

2:22: Sweeny Murti: "How do we know you're telling the truth now, freak?" A-Rod: "Because you're not Katie Couric. It's impossible to tell that woman the truth."

2:25: "I'm here to take my medicine." If your veins haven't all collapsed.

2:27: Press conference over. Time to get out of those pants.

2:30: Uh-oh. Mike Without Mad Dog is pissed. The Yankees "took the media for a joy ride today. They settled nothing." The scandal goes on! Yay!

The end.

Matlock: A-Rod Wore My Sweater In Gammons Interview

In a report that is sending shockwaves through nursing homes and hospice facilities across America, beloved television actor Andy Griffith told reporters earlier this morning that "Alex Rodriguez wore my favorite blue sweater" during his interview with ESPN's Peter Gammons.

Griffith, 82, said that he's owned the sweater "for over 50 years" and that "it's the most comfortable piece of clothing I've ever owned."

He continued, "and I want it back, Goddammit."

The purported sweater heist is another strange turn in the 'A-Roid' saga and has the potential to, as Mr. Griffith put it, "totally destroy any goodwill that Mr. Rodriguez has left with senior citizens in this country."

Rodriguez (pictured below in the sweater at issue) has denied any involvement in the matter. He said he purchased the sweater at a local yard sale "some time in 2001, '02, or '03."

For many residents at the Happy Pastures Senior Center in Huntington Station, NY, Rodriguez's explanation isn't good enough. "I will go to my grave believing everything that Matlock, I mean Mr. Griffith, has to say. He is a decent man, and this Rodriguez is a lousy ball player," said Mort Pomeranz, 93. Leticia Thorne, 87, agreed. "Just give the man his blue sweater back, please. We've still got 6 weeks of winter to suffer through, for God's sake."

Do They Even Follow The News?

On this of all days, The Sporting News Today gave its chummy Ryan Howard Q&A the following headline:

A-Rod Cries For Hater Gammons, Ending Controversy

Q: Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself. Hey! Why are you hitting yourself?

A: Waaaah!

Missed Clue?

The Times, As Usual, Puts It Mildly

And tardily. They could have run that headline every day for the last five years.

Tom Peyer Not 'Shocked' By Schilling Asshole News

Christ, we're going to be asked to pay attention to this creep for the rest of our lives. Because he blogs.

Solution: break up the internet. It would be so worth it.

A-Rod Pee'd Hot in 2003

Dear Alex,

Thank you. This news could not have come at a better time.
Admit nothing. Keep the Press guessing and please drag this out till 2012.

Sincerely,
Michael Phelps