I hereby call upon the U.S. Supreme Court - and/or the Secret YES Network Star Chamber - to ban me from all Yankee public discourse that violates the natural laws of juju.
I should be tomatoed, milk-shaked, turnipped - whatever foodstuff it takes, to learn me a lesson. On Saturday, I took to the Al Gore Information Superhighway to boast of how the Yankees had escaped injuries this season, despite the Gilbert Gottfried-voice inside me shouting, "Shut the fuck up, you reanimated pork rind." In that moment, my celebratory ejaculi mocked the low-level deities whose soul function is to fix sporting events.
Yes, I pissed off the juju gods.
What can I say? I drank the bathwater. The Yankees had suffered one key injury - one - to Domingo German, a pitcher so far out on our depth charts that you'd need the Webb space telescope to find him. I thought myself witty and juju-proof. I was a fool.
The 1st rule of juju: Nobody talks about juju.
The 2nd rule of Juju: If you think of something witty, keep it the fuck to yourself.
Since Saturday, Yankee minor league catcher Ben Rortvedt - perhaps assuming the role of team juju magnet - has undergone knee surgery. We still have yet to see The Rort in action. Now, he's out until July. It looks like a wipeout year, a Pavano.
Last night, Luis Gil - who days ago delivered a serviceable spot start - pointed to his elbow and walked off the mound for Scranton. Call me a fogy, call me a loon, call me an Uber... but I hate to see Yankee farm hands point to their elbows and walk off the mound. Today's new reality: We might not see Gil until 2024. If so, it's on me.
Meanwhile, another Yankee farm hand has been jettisoned for stealing teammates' belongings, selling them on the Internet - and then scamming buyers with bogus merchandise. Wow. Was he stealing from teammates and fans... at the same time? Now, that's a profit margin. This kid doesn't belong in baseball. He has a future in crypto currency.
Meanwhile, Aaron Hicks! This weekend, he will reach his 100th AB of the season. Hicksy - said to be baseball's best golfer! - is hitting .204 with one HR. One. (Could Pete Mickelson do worse?) But before you shout, "Estevan Florial!" Hicksy's On Base Percentage is .342 - 4th on the team behind Judge, Donaldson and LeMahieu. He's higher than Stanton. He's higher than Gleyber. He's way, way higher than Joey Gallo - then again, so would be the electrified corpse of Arnold Palmer.
One of these days, Hicksy will heat up. Then, and only then, he will point to a part of his body and walk off the field. That's what Hicks does. He starts cold, gets hot, gets hurt. Cold, hot, hurt. Cold, hot, hurt...
On that note, I'm going to shut the fuck up. He's all yours, juju gods.
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39 comments:
Rest assured, the only guy who won't get hurt this year is Joey Gallo
Unless by hot you mean under a week or 7 games, Hicks will not get hot this year. He shot his load in the first 10 games. If he ends up hitting more than .239 by the end of the season, I'll eat my hat in public. Well, Yankees cap.
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AA....if only.
I agree with Celerino.
Quick reminder: I hear Gardy is available.
Aaron Hicks' OBP means nothing going forward in my opinion. As I've said before, he has absolutely no power and can't drive the ball with authority. I blame the wrist injury. Pitchers aren't going to walk him anymore now that the cat is out of the bag.
Hicks is hitting .091/.245/.114 in May.
Fairly safe to say Hicks is cooked. 32, often injured, his defense has declined. It’s a matter of when the team decides to open wide and swallow his contract. Florial is as ready now as he will ever be, but guys who strike out a ton in MiLB usually struggle to hit in MLB.
If Rortvedt had arthroscopy he should definitely be able to play this year. I’m a runner, a big guy, I’ve had both knees ‘scoped, and was back pounding the shit out of my knees in 6 weeks. It seems with the Yankees though, that the injuries are always worse. Sorry to hear about Gil, sure sounds like TJ. surgery.
Clay Holmes has been awesome!
Every time I see that putz Gallo lurch up to the plate I cringe. He is the modern hitter at its worst.
Question: does IKF do anything besides hit ground balls to third or short?
IKF with Texas, 2018-2021
.265/.316/.354
IKF with New York, 2022
.261/.315/.315
This is just who he is, with a little less power thanks to the deadened ball/humidors.
Better hope Anthony Volpe develops well.
Duque:
Barren Hicks will not heat up, but probably get injured.
It will be extraordinary, if he manages to get injured WITHOUT heating up.
"and then scamming buyers with bogus merchandise. This kid doesn't belong in baseball. He has a future in crypto currency."
Actually he does belong in baseball. I'm thinking the Yankee front office.
Or, I suppose he could play for Manager Chad Curtis in the Florida Penal League.
So, bases loaded, nobody out.
Torres swings at a 1-2 fastball, 95 mph, and strikes out.
Hicks (Lifetime with bases loaded? .127, 0 homers) comes up, swings out of his shoes on a 1-0 count, and misses. Beltran: "You have it in the back of your mind not to hit into a double-play." Right. Easy to avoid double-plays when you can't come close to making contact.
Hicks (3-22 with RISP this season—at .136, actually higher than his overall BA), works the count full. Beltran: "Sometimes, you work the count full, sometimes this can turn into something positive." Hicks strikes out on low pitch (ball 4) out of the strike zone.
And a two-run single by Falafel.
Which is great, giving the Yanks a 5-3 lead.
But this is why your New York Yankees are still, even with their gaudy record, a fraud. Torres and Hicks are just no longer professional hitters, unable even to hit fly balls to get a run in from third. Throw in Joey K. and whoever is catching...this team will not win playoff series against teams much, much better than the Baltimore Orioles.
Bases loaded nobody out:
Torres- K
Hicks - K on ball four; at this point, the team should really consider curing him. Seriously.
IKF - snuck one of his patented left side ground balls through the IF! 2 rbi
Hig - quickly popped out . An awful hitter.
HC, we’ll see as we roll into June, and begin the Crucible/Gaunlet.
Teams like Baltimore aren’t even pretending to compete, which is a disgrace.
This just in: Scherzer out for 6-8 weeks with oblique strain.
DeGrom still out another 6 weeks. A THIRD Mets starter, Tylor Megill, is out for an unknown time with biceps tendinitis.
Duque, could it be that the juju angel of darkness you summoned has miscalculated and struck down assorted denizens of Flushing? (It wouldn't be the first time they screwed up.)
Of course, this season we won't play those guys until late July, and then late August.
Great minds think alike, 999. (Or is that great drunks? I forget. Especially when I've been drinking.)
But in any case, we're living in a fool's paradise, which is Brian Cashman's summer home of choice.
Outstanding as the pitching has been, this team just doesn't have the bats to beat top staffs in October.
Other problems:
Guys in there solely for D have to play good D.
Higgy, with his .169, 0 home run season, can't put in another, 0-3, 3 K day at the plate, then interfere with the batter in the field. Joey G. can't give the other team triples and doubles and hit the way he is hitting. We really can call up even our terrible minor leaguers to do better than that.
Please leave Green in for a little longer. Please?
Fuck.
Montgomery had only thrown 76 pitches after 5 innings. Was there a reason to take him out?
Our vaunted bullpen needed some play time.
Fuck.
Boy, is Gleyber an awful hitter. I don't care if he recently had a hot streak. Mediocre, middle-inning relievers have no trouble retiring him.
And the Orioles are pulling their pitcher...for a new guy to face Aaron Hicks.
Wow. Over-manage much?
About the only way that Hicks could possibly reach base here is if the new pitcher is wild and he gets a walk.
AAAARGHHHH! Take one for the team!!!!
That was so close...
Michael Kay saying that something in gap might be able to score Stanton from first.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I never knew the guy was that droll.
Nope. My bad. The Orioles closer IS wild. He DOES throw ball four...and Hicks swings and misses.
Sigh.
Of course if they do come back and tie or take the lead here the Water Rooster will undoubtedly re-blow it.
Lopez blows the save so Rolaids can blow the save in the next half inning...
At least they brought in Lugnut.
Donaldson fucking up.
Guys who hit.300 still make an out 7 out of 10 times. It's not even summer. I'll wait and see on Gleyber. Not to mention the whole team.
If it wasn't Luggy, it woulda been Sweatbox. Pick yer poison.
Loogy coughs up game.
At least it wasn't the protracted agony of the Water Rooster
Pathetic.
If the pitching does not dominate, this team cannot win.
They suckered you all in again.
I know that I sound ridiculous, but please mark my words - ain't gonna happen this year.
The WORST thing that could happen for us is for this team to do even OK. That would cement the reign of Cashman forever.
If you're alright with one fluke World Series win every 20 years, then good for you, but I'm a Yankee fan.
We suck now and we have sucked for over 20 years.
And if that wasn't enough, Chad Green, who some people here were suspicious of, was pulled with "forearm discomfort."
Booooone has yet to offer encouraging words.
Mr. Sign,
Are you posting under and alias for some reason?
PS, HAL sucks
...and Ca$hman sucks
For the last 20 years.
Well, not really SUCKED, and not really for TWENTY years. More since the last of the Gene Michael team left...
Hicksy will heat up to .210.
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