Sportswriters, Hark!

This outstanding piece of sports journalism from The Quincy [Illinois] Herald is reprinted in Vol. V, pp 20-21 of Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, ed. T. L. Masson (New York: Doubleday, Page & Co., 1904):

The glass-armed toy soldiers of this town were fed to the pigs yesterday by the cadaverous Indian grave-robbers from Omaha.

The flabby, one-lunged Reubens who represent the Gem City in the reckless rush for the baseball pennant had their shins toasted by the basilisk-eyed cattle-drivers from the West. They stood around with gaping eyeballs like a hen on a hot nail, and suffered the grizzly yaps of Omaha to run the bases until their necks were long with thirst.

Hickey had more errors than Coin’s Financial School, and led the rheumatic procession to the morgue.

The Quincys were full of straw and scrap-iron. They couldn’t hit a brick-wagon with a pickax, and ran bases like pall-bearers at a funeral. If three-base hits were growing on the back of every man’s neck they couldn’t reach ‘em with a feather duster.

It looked as if the Amalgamated Union of South America Hoodoos was in session for work in the thirty-third degree.

The geezers stood about and whistled for help, and were so weak they couldn’t lift a glass of beer if it had been all foam. Everything was yellow, rocky and whangbasted, like a stigtossel full of doggle-gammon.


The game was whiskered and frost-bitten.

The Omahogs were bad enough, but the Quincy Brown Sox had their fins sewed up until they couldn’t hold a crazy quilt unless it was tied around their necks.

(You'll love it even more when The British Printer gets up on its high horse about the unashamed use of the American language.)

[Thanks to Mickey and Ramona.]

It Only Sounds Dirty

Clay Bellinger
Dusty Bergman
Burleigh Grimes
Oscar Grimes
Clay Parker
Muddy Ruel

I'm signing on today in my "Obamized" color version, because I am still hung over from too much bourbon and cotton candy in Tampa.

But the effects on my brain are barely noticeable. To wit:

1. I have learned that the USMC does not want A-Rod.

" He is not dependable, " reported an unidentified Colonel in the Recruiting Office, " and he looks like he waxes his face. That wax would melt right off in the desert sun, and become a bio hazard."

So A-Rod remains the Yankee's most famous living patient, and third baseman in waiting.

2. Our number one pick from about 6 years ago, tall and taller Andy Brackman, has been "dispatched " from Tampa to the Charleston Sea Dogs, where he can battle Dellin Bettances for the tallest, useless pitching prospect on the Yankees.

For the last two year's , Andy has been the Yankee's tallest patient. When he finally emerged from TJ surgery on both elbows, one hip labrum, and an elongated vertebrae, he pitched in the Hawaiian Winter League ( yeah, really ) and went 3-4 for the Waikiki Beach Boys with a 5.56 ERA.

His first inning at the "A" ball power of Charleston will be his first inning of minor league ball. I think he is about 33 and still growing.

3. Here is a "to-date" evaluation of Joba as the Yankee's planned, back-end starter:

- " It is time for Joba to locate the strike zone."
- " We want to see progress."
- "........after pitching poorly in his first start..."
- " we want to see him a little bit more mechanically sound..."
- " on March 5th he faced five batters, walked four, gave up a hit and uncorked a wild pitch.."
- " Is there a problem with the shoulder that landed him on the DL last summer?"
- " ....should help raise Chamberlain's velocity, which topped out at 91 mph.."
- " that was hard to watch, but I expect him to get better..."

I'm not implying anything here, I'm not suggesting something, I'm just saying.........

4. I recently received signed contracts from some geat Yankees ( mostly former ) who want to play down in the South Mexico Independent Dirt field League this year. They include: Don Slaught, Scott Nielsen, Charles Hudson, Cecilio Guante, Jerry Royster and Ian Kennedy.

5. On a more positive note; Mariano Rivera is moving closer to working a game and Edwar Ramirez ( our one pitch wonder ) , who hasn't pitched in a game since he decided not to attend to a shoulder problem at the end of last season, will appear in his first game Saturday against the Astros.

He'll play first base and serve as the designated pinch runner.