Sportswriters, Hark!

This outstanding piece of sports journalism from The Quincy [Illinois] Herald is reprinted in Vol. V, pp 20-21 of Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, ed. T. L. Masson (New York: Doubleday, Page & Co., 1904):

The glass-armed toy soldiers of this town were fed to the pigs yesterday by the cadaverous Indian grave-robbers from Omaha.

The flabby, one-lunged Reubens who represent the Gem City in the reckless rush for the baseball pennant had their shins toasted by the basilisk-eyed cattle-drivers from the West. They stood around with gaping eyeballs like a hen on a hot nail, and suffered the grizzly yaps of Omaha to run the bases until their necks were long with thirst.

Hickey had more errors than Coin’s Financial School, and led the rheumatic procession to the morgue.

The Quincys were full of straw and scrap-iron. They couldn’t hit a brick-wagon with a pickax, and ran bases like pall-bearers at a funeral. If three-base hits were growing on the back of every man’s neck they couldn’t reach ‘em with a feather duster.

It looked as if the Amalgamated Union of South America Hoodoos was in session for work in the thirty-third degree.

The geezers stood about and whistled for help, and were so weak they couldn’t lift a glass of beer if it had been all foam. Everything was yellow, rocky and whangbasted, like a stigtossel full of doggle-gammon.


The game was whiskered and frost-bitten.

The Omahogs were bad enough, but the Quincy Brown Sox had their fins sewed up until they couldn’t hold a crazy quilt unless it was tied around their necks.

(You'll love it even more when The British Printer gets up on its high horse about the unashamed use of the American language.)

[Thanks to Mickey and Ramona.]

Signing Off?

Oakland A's writer Mychael Urban says our old friend The Giambino, "one of the worst hitters in the Majors," is being "nudged out to pasture."

El Duque, Dude, You've Already Posted The Yankee Of The Month Poll & It's Barely The 28th & The Discussion Wasn't Finished & I Am Seriously P.O'd.

SERIOUSLY.

Because I was out all day and THINKING about the matter --

As I SHOULD, and AS I SHOULD BE GIVEN TIME TO --

And I came to the rational, unavoidable conclusion that John Sterling, The Voice Of The Yankees, gave us another amazing month and deserves the chance to be the FIRST REPEAT YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH --

And then I came hone -- home, not hone, I'm so mad I can't even type words right -- to find that THE EFFING POLL HAD ALREADY BEEN POSTED WITHOUT EVEN LETTING MORE THAN HALF A DAY PASS AFTER THE COMMENCEMENT OF THE FRAUDULENT "NOMINATING PROCESS" --

I ASK EVERY HONORABLE YANKEE FAN TO JOIN ME IN DEMANDING THAT EL DUQUE NULLIFY THE VOTE AND RESTART THE POLL WITH VOICE OF THE NEW YORK YANKEES JOHN STERLING IN HIS RIGHTFUL PLACE AS A JUNE YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH NOMINEE.

Because this makes me fucking SICK.

WHO'S WITH ME?

Update: Plus, you ignored half the effing nominees nominated in the effing so-called nomination thread.

El Duque, the question needs asking:

WHO THE EFF DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

The Elephant In The Room

This is is John Sterling's 20th anniversary season as The Voice Of The Yankees, and no one cares.

George W. Bush Makes Excuses

As his presidency limps toward the finish line, there are still pressing matters for W to address, including “easing the transition” (giving White House tours, deleting emails), building his legacy (leaving unwell-enough alone), and availing himself of one of the most awesome perks of his office or the Pope’s (the ability to forgive and absolve completely and irrevocably).

Yes, one of the few superpowers remaining to a lame duck is the power to grant clemency. As with most things, W trails his predecessors. Clinton let 456 miscreants off the hook. Reagan pardoned 406. This week, Bush played catch-up by issuing clemency and pardons for 16 humans and two turkeys.



What's George W. Bush’s idea of a pardonable crime?



Actually, there are a few:



Devin Timothy Kruse – AWOL



Jackie Ray Clayborn, Roger Paul Ingram – illegal drugs charges

Joseph Daniel Gavin – disorderly conduct while under the influence of alcohol

Lewis Libby – obstruction of justice



Pumpkin and Pecan – a real turkey

"I LOVE TURKEY! WHAT A COUNTRY! I LOVE TURKEY! I LOVE TURKEY!"

A Seattle radio interviewer yesterday asked former Yankee Miguel Cairo what he'd eat for dinner if he could have anything -- great question -- and his enthusiastic answer is our headline. As I understand it, by 'turkey' Miggy meant the poultry, not the country, and by 'country' he meant America, not Turkey.

UPDATE!! Audio here (thanks, Buhner's Ghost)!!! The turkey part's about three-quarters of the way in. What Miggy really said:

I love turkey. It's something, this is -- I LOVE turkey. What a country. I will say, what a country. I love Thanksgiving. I love country. I love turkey. I love turkey. I like to eat turkey.

Okay, so I get things wrong. Like you never do.


FACT! In games Miggy played, the Bombers were 158-99 (.615)!

Two-Gun Kid #49, August 1959, Inside Front Cover

Click to enlarge.

Yankeeblogography Special Edition: Where are they now?

One of the most enjoyable aspects of fannery is following old-timers after their Pinstriped days have ended. Turns out, Thursday was a big night for some big names of yesteryear.

Matt DeSalvo, in his hotly anticipated return to Scranton (formerly Columbus), gave up 7 runs (6 earned) on 8 hits and 3 walks in 5 2/3 innings.

TJ "Moon" Beam, of the famous 2006 Yankee collapse club, followed the Boston Strangler and gave up 3 runs on 4 hits, with just one walk... all in a mere 1 and 1/3 innings.

Tyler Clippard, remember him from the great Met win of 2007?, now at Double A Trenton where he dominated last year, went three innings, surrendering 3 runs on 4 hits and two walks. TClip left with an injury.

Oh, well, as sidenote: A day after testifying before Congress, Alberto Gonzalez was 1 for 5 with 2 strikeouts at Trenton. He taps phones better than opposing pitchers.

Will Joba Chamberlain wilt?

Back to Mexico

Our man of the hour, Edwar Ramirez, gave credibility to his past tonight. He has not thrown a strike in anger since his opening 3K debut. He did groove one for Dioner no power, the Tampa catcher, who promptly planted a grand slam in the seats. The first of his life.

The coaching staff, beginning with Mr. Torre, must have forgotten about this young man on more levels than one since his early July debut, for it is clear that he has not eaten in the 3 weeks he has been a Yankee. He was blown toward first base as he brought up his leg in preparation for delivering a ball ( and the ball ) to the plate. Even the reference to an eating surface is distracting to him. I think he threw 27 straight balls.

I have sent him a Greyhound ticket ( only 32 stops ) to Nogales where, on every Tuesday morning, a bus wil leave for the southern desert town of Slingalos, Mexico. The prarie league there remains independent and is open to all those of great heart. Tacos are good and a string band plays at Sunday games. The fan base is sparse, particularly at bean picking time, but they love baseball and regard anyone from the major leagues as a local hero.

Keep up your spirits, Edwar. You made the big time.

Adios and carumba.

Fire Torre, Bring Sheff Back

From The Nation Of Islam Sports Blog [via Deadspin]:

We are so quick to laugh and belittle players when they hold out or complain about contracts. Especially when they say "this isn't about money, this is about respect".

Until you have been a Negro, belittled by Joe Torre in front of the mostly white Yankees, you will never understand how true it is.

Sheff went 7 for 15 in Seattle this weekend. He hit a grand slam. He walked four times. He stole four bases in four attempts. He stole home.

He performed these dazzling feats for a postseason rival whose manager talks to him like a man.

Bush & The Babe

Yankee immortal Babe Ruth presents Yale baseball captain George H. W. Bush the original manuscript of "The Babe Ruth Story" at Yale Field in New Haven, Conn. in an AP file photo dated June 5, 1948 and republished today.

Here's a better look at 1B Bush, who played on the sad sack Yale teams that dropped the first two College World Series.

Yale never got another shot.