Dear Yankees: If you're going to be the Evil Empire, you need to allow beards

An Open Letter to Yankee owners Hal and Hank Steinbrenner:

Dear Billionaires,

Recently, in some Byzantine clown court, the New York Yankees secured the legal trademark rights to the marketing name "Evil Empire." Meanwhile, General Manager Brian Cashman was said to be trolling through the Yankee facilities, eying the hair on players' chins the way Lindsay Lohan scans for cop cars after running over pedestrians.

I believe I speak for the entire Yankiverse when I say: "WTF?"

Do either of you life-pampered jackals remotely understand the true nature of evil? Have you never in your lives gone to the movies? Evil is a beard! Evil is a prissy, well groomed black chunk of hair, danging from the lips, covering West Virginia teeth, and constantly being dabbled by tawny, piano player fingers. Good grief, do you know nothing about life? Did your dad lock you inside the Ohio State football weight room without even a channel changer? Do you not recognize what babies and Disney characters instinctively know: The fundamental look of evil?

Listen: You cannot have it both ways. You cannot be the Evil Empire and require your players to shave their evil beards. It's just... how do I put this... evil.

Either relinquish the name "Evil Empire," donating it to a team with facial hair - or eliminate the Yankee beard ban... NOW.

Get out of the way of progress. Do not try to tamper with the fundamental laws of the universe. Evil needs beards. If the Yankees are caught in the middle - evil and shaven - it will be like being picked off between first and second base. We won't know where to run. The results will be catastrophic. We could suffer a breakdown of organizational identity.

In fact, it's happening. Are the Yankees cutting payroll to the $189 million figure in 2014? Or are we abandoning it to sign  Robbie Cano? Are we spending more than any other team? Or are we looking to dump salary? Are we lavish, or are we cheap. Are we evil, or are we good? Are we bearded, or are we shaven? Do we bow before Zod? WHO THE HELL ARE WE,, ANYWAY?

Sincerely,

Confused el Duque