Saturday, February 23, 2013

Dear Yankees: If you're going to be the Evil Empire, you need to allow beards

An Open Letter to Yankee owners Hal and Hank Steinbrenner:

Dear Billionaires,

Recently, in some Byzantine clown court, the New York Yankees secured the legal trademark rights to the marketing name "Evil Empire." Meanwhile, General Manager Brian Cashman was said to be trolling through the Yankee facilities, eying the hair on players' chins the way Lindsay Lohan scans for cop cars after running over pedestrians.

I believe I speak for the entire Yankiverse when I say: "WTF?"

Do either of you life-pampered jackals remotely understand the true nature of evil? Have you never in your lives gone to the movies? Evil is a beard! Evil is a prissy, well groomed black chunk of hair, danging from the lips, covering West Virginia teeth, and constantly being dabbled by tawny, piano player fingers. Good grief, do you know nothing about life? Did your dad lock you inside the Ohio State football weight room without even a channel changer? Do you not recognize what babies and Disney characters instinctively know: The fundamental look of evil?

Listen: You cannot have it both ways. You cannot be the Evil Empire and require your players to shave their evil beards. It's just... how do I put this... evil.

Either relinquish the name "Evil Empire," donating it to a team with facial hair - or eliminate the Yankee beard ban... NOW.

Get out of the way of progress. Do not try to tamper with the fundamental laws of the universe. Evil needs beards. If the Yankees are caught in the middle - evil and shaven - it will be like being picked off between first and second base. We won't know where to run. The results will be catastrophic. We could suffer a breakdown of organizational identity.

In fact, it's happening. Are the Yankees cutting payroll to the $189 million figure in 2014? Or are we abandoning it to sign  Robbie Cano? Are we spending more than any other team? Or are we looking to dump salary? Are we lavish, or are we cheap. Are we evil, or are we good? Are we bearded, or are we shaven? Do we bow before Zod? WHO THE HELL ARE WE,, ANYWAY?


Confused el Duque


David Price said...

Oh, goody! Would Mr. Cashman also allow me to sacrifice live chickens?

Tracy Stallard's Dreams of 60 said...

Dream Evil Empire Lineup:

C- Thurman Munson (check that '76 Topps card if you have any questions)

1B- Donnie Baseball (he had a mullet, the gateway hairdo)

2B- Willie Randolph (I know you're asking why. So am I. Call it unproven puxtaposition if you have to. That's cool.)

SS- Alvaro Espinoza (I suspect but cannot prove that AE would grow a beard every bit as cool as Todd Cruz's. Not saying much, but saying something.)

3B- Graig Nettles (He played great, said funny things, and punched Bill Lee square in the mush. You KNOW he'd grow a beard.)

LF- Brett Gardner (only because I DON'T think he'd grow a beard...I think he'd fight it all he could. But he can field and run and besides every great team needs a lightning rod for controversy.)

CF- Brett Gardner (because I think he'd do anything to get that job at this point, and it would be fun to watch him try. Besides, Mantle's coolness is beyond established and I have no confidence in Roberto Kelly.)

RF- Reggie Jackson. Enough said.

DH- George H. Ruth. Enough said again.

SP- Whitey Ford (on a technicality; assuming he missed a shave somewhere along the line...I feel safe in assuming me might have.)

RP- Sparky Lyle. The man was no Mariano, but he did much more than sit on birthday cakes.

That's all...add to it, change it, do what you gotta! DO anything but tell me you want to sign that joker Brian Wilson. Guy got his ass kicked by a Gatorade place for him here.

Alfred Manuel Martin said...

Whattabout ME? Slick moustache, religious ornaments, kicking dirt on umps, drinkin' beer in the clubhouse before the Red Sox made it fashionable. I'm bad-ass personified. You pickin' on me because I'm short? Think twice, pal. Ask Jeff Burroughs who saved his raggedy ass in rightfield, battling drunken Indian fans with a fungo bat, on ten cent beer night. And Reggie? I whupped his butt in the dugout during a national TV broadcast. I am #1 in the centerfield monuments, and #1 in Evil Empire Yankees. Billy's back!