Wednesday, February 27, 2013

What did John Sterling mean: "In 10 years they will discover a drug called Festeris that will make everyone amazons.”

Monday, in the Daily News, The Master is quoted as saying this during Sunday's conversation about A-Rod. (Hat tip to Anonymous for reminding me.)

"In 10 years they will discover a drug called Festeris that will make everyone amazons.”

On behalf of the Yankiverse, I would like to say: W.T.F.?

This goes down as one of Sterling's most cryptic quotes ever, even beyond his love of Tab Hunter's autobiography. "Festeris?" What can it mean. Being an award-winning investigative journalist by trade, I googled it. There are a few Facebook pages to people whose last names are Festeris. There is a Belgium band called The Whodads, which in 2000 put out a song called the Bongo Festeris.

I don't think that is the reference we seek.  I googled "Festeris" and "amazon." Same results. (The album is sold on Stupid me.)

Anonymous asked if it could be a show tune reference? (You know, like, "There's NO festeris like SHOW festeris there's No festeris I know...") Beats me.  But top Sterlingologists do know this: A lot of 1960s cultural images rattle around inside The Master's head.

There was Uncle Fester on Addams Family. Is there an episode where, perhaps, he conjured or created Amazons? There was a Festus character on Gunsmoke. Ken Curtis played him. Could John have simply misspoke - meant Festus, instead of Festeris?

No. John is a professional announcer. The Master did not misspeak. 

A drug called Festeris that will make everybody amazons. Was he suggesting Suzyn should be juicing? Is A-Rod becoming a woman? Will enhanced pharmaceuticals allow each of us to become mighty, sports-bra-wearing warriors? Festeris.

What did he mean?


Alphonso said...

It is a derivative of " Festivus". For the rest of us.

Slojtrub-9 of Festeris-74-B-Alpha Centauri said...

Greetings, earthlings. The Master, "John Sterling" as you refer to him, is correct. He can forsee the future because he is one of us, a being from Festeris-74-B-Alpha Centauri. We know better than to allow our home planet be discovered by Google, Amazon, Yahoo, or any of your primitive databases. "John Sterling" (whose real name is Glabaduk 7) has been resident on your planet for years. Naturally, the touchstone for an invasion of your world is Yankee Stadium. Did you fools believe that a mere human could do the mega-warble? Soon we will chemically transform some of you into superior beings, probably at the Stadium, in the rightfield bleachers, in the 4th inning of a Tampa Bay Rays game. Until then, farewell.

Uncle Fester said...

the transcription was wrong. It should be festerous, from the word fester, to make pus like.

el duque said...

Alpha Centari,

That is absolutely brilliant.

Slojtrub-9 of Festeris-74-B-Alpha Centauri said...

Thank you, El Duque. "The Juju Rules" is the only Terran tome to make the bestseller list in our corner of the galaxy. So, your opinion means a lot to us, even if we have to conquer your world, including the lovely downtown area of Syracuse.

Mustang said...


Slojtrub-9 of Festeris-74-B-Alpha Centauri said...

Yes, a cookbook. "To Serve Man". And that's exactly what we are going to do when we have conquered earth, have a BBQ, starting with those foul-mouthed (and probably foul-tasting) fans in Boston.

el duque said...

The Juju Cookbook comes out in paperback late next month.

Slojtrub-9 of Festeris-74-B-Alpha Centauri said...

Looking forward to a recipe for grilled guzork, a delicacy quite popular on Namififis-88-R-Orion. Good luck with the sales, Duque.

Anonymous said...

Mustang- I have not laughed that loud in a long time. You have great wit.

Tex Message said...

I love everything about this thread.