Monday, February 11, 2013

The future is merely the past, without spoiler alerts: Our Official Top 10 Yankee Prospect List - with strategic analysis

These days, everybody ranks prospects, without even taking stool samples. Well, here we go: the future of Yankee rock-n-roll.

10. Mason Williams, OF. Ranked #1 on most lists, dropped to #2 on a few because he apparently thinks he craps lobster Newburg. He must read prospect rankings. Well, read this, Mace, you little piss grub: Ruben Rivera. As far as we're concerned, any punk prospect shows attitude, he gets 10 days in the Time-Out Room. You got speed. You got glove. You got nothing until you grow a pair of Yankee testicles. That means a little YES SIR, NO SIR, HOW FAR, SIR? A year in Trenton ought to do you some good.

9. Jose Campos. P. The sidecar we got in the Jesus Montero-Michael Pineda fiasco. We're adding him strictly as a personal favor to Brian Cashman. Happy birthday, Cash: As long as Campos ranks high, you can walk the streets of Tampa.

8. Gary Sanchez, C. Another #1 on many lists. But who are we kidding? Everybody knows we'll trade him. He’s a hitting catcher.  Girardi prefers defensive catchers. Like Girardi was. We're tempted to rank him higher, so that maybe we'll get more in the eventual trade. But considering the Jesus abomination, what does it matter? Let's just cut our losses now and forget about him.

7. Dellin Betances.
It''s a nostalgia thing, like watching The Who perform at the 12/12/12 concert. Betances gave us great winters, way back when. He's still 6'8," which looks good coming off the bus, though he's on the verge of joining Upward Bound with Andrew Brackman. Still, we officially say Betances will make it. Got that, Delly? This is the year.

6. Slade Heathcott, OF. The Yankees have always wanted a star named after a 70's metal band. When he steps to the plate, we'll hear, "Kum on Feel the Noiz." Plus, he's endured: Alcoholism, homelessness, brawls, two operations... NYC needs somebody like this. Ladies and gentleman, won't you welcome... SLAAAAAAAAAAADE.

5. Austin Romine, C. Another oldie but goodie. Hey, what's a Yankee prospect list without Austin Romine. Use to be, he walked in the shadow of Jesus. Now, he occupies the shadow of Francisco Cervelli? Nah. This is the defensive catcher who reminds Girardi of Girardi. The most important Yankee of 2013. If he craps out, if we have to go out and sign a catcher next winter, hell with this: I'm rooting for an asteroid. This is our vote of confidence.

4. David Adams, 3B. If we could build a time machine, we'd go back and stop him from wrecking his ankle in 2010, plunging us into this crappy alternative universe. If we had stopped him, Adams would have dealt to Seattle with Jesus, we would have Cliff Lee, we might have won two - maybe three - consecutive World Series, but now we'd be stuck with Lee - who sucked last year. And so here we are, in this universe, with Adams at age 27 - twenty-seven - and he's destined for Triple A. Well, things happen for a reason, folks. This guy hasn't endured a Homeric odyssey for nuthin.' He's going to make a Yankee career. He can hit. All those guys in front of him, they might flake out. If this guy was going to flake out, he'd be flakes by now. This guy will save us from A-Rod, or from Youk, or maybe from ourselves.

3. Tyler Austin, RF. He's never gotten the big scouting/high bonus press, like the others. He had to earn his playing time. He overcame cancer in high school, and he was drafted in a low round for a bonus that was little more than college scholarship money. He outhit the bonus babies. Then he did it again. Then he did it again. Pure and simple, folks, this is the closest we've had to a Mattingly since Mattingly.

2. Rafael DePaula, P. OK, this is a stretch. But what are prospects lists but wet dreams by people without real lives, people with nothing better to do than read rankings in blogs. You, for example. Me, too. There is no hope for us. Why waste our precious time following players who, by basic probabilities of math, have as much chance to star for the Yankees as RuPaul.  Ed Yarnell, people, remember Ed Yarnell! But hey, this guy was signed out the Dominican League under the name of Rafael Figuroa, (Note: This means he's probably 30) and thus was stuck there for two years, unable to get a Visa. This is his first season in America. That means the Yankee brain trust hasn't had a chance to ruin his arm. I'm saying, BELIEVE. Not because I necessarily believe. But it's more fun. And wet dreams beat nightmares.

1. Austin Aune, SS-CF. (Pictured) The golden child. He's so far low in the system that frankly, who cares. But we drafted him as a CF, and now he plays SS. That's a combination of Mantle and Jeter. He could be a major college QB. That's a combination of Elway and Henson. Oh well, I'm going with Mickey-Jete. Golden boy.  Our new Jesus. He hit last year in the rookie league. He'll play for Staten Island. He's three, maybe four years out, but gimmie something to believe. Finally, personal note to Austin: Get uppity, and you see what happened with Mason Williams? It'll happen to you. Now, hit .340 and give us something to dream about.


Joe Torre said...

"As far as we're concerned, any punk prospect shows attitude, he gets 10 days in the Time-Out Room . . . . You got nothing until you grow a pair of Yankee testicles. That means a little YES SIR, NO SIR, HOW FAR, SIR?"--- You're damned right, Duque. Hell, I had Jeter polishing my shoes and washing my car.

Brian Cashman said...

Don't forget, El Duque, that this kid plays a mean guitar as well:

Hank Steinbrenner said...

Wow. Mason Williams can really pick it, in centerfield or with a string section.

Of course, he's going to have to shave the beard. But I can see it now on Old Timer's Day: Bernie Williams and Mason Williams, separated at birth, reunited in centerfield: duelling guitars. I see DOLLARS SIGNS in that outfield grass!

Tracy Stallard's Dreams of 60 said...

Now I know the answer to the question: How many Austins is three too many? Nothing against Austins in general; just in particular.

As far as Heathcott (and the rest of this lot) I am reminded of some more sage words from his namesakes:

"See chameleon,
Lying there in the sun
All things to everyone
Run, Run Away."