Friday, February 22, 2013

Oscar Fever: Can Yankees' Denzell and De Niro knock off Redsocks' Argo and Lincoln meatwagon?

And they're off! That's right, everybody. It's OSCAR FEVER!

And as usual, the only true viewing prism in America is the Yankeescope. This year pits the Redsocks and Yanks in a duel to pull out and devour, still beating, Hollywood's magical heart.

Here are the match-ups, plus Yankee-Redsock analysis:

BEST PIC: Amour, Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, Zero Dark Thirty, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Miserables.

ANALYSIS: Silver Line (Robert De Niro, NY) vs. Argo (Ben Affleck, Redsock). Armour is about two old people (Yankees!). Life of Pi has a tiger (Hurtful reminder of last post-season.) Lincoln was written by Doris Kearns Goodwin (Redsock). Beasts, Django, Les, Zero - that's the NL Central. Who cares?

LIKELY OUTCOME: Trouble. Redsocks in control; either Argo or Lincoln.  Did Bud Selig make the nominations?

BEST MAN: Bradley Cooper, Hugh Jackman, Daniel Day-Lewis, Denzell Washington, Joaquin Phoenix.

ANALYSIS: Washington (Yankee fan) is our horse. Jackman and Lewis, durn foreigners, probably can't tell you the infield fly rule. Phoenix teamed with Affleck's kid brother on "I'm Not Here." He probably leans Redsock.

LIKELY OUTCOME: Crap shot. Bradley Cooper from Philadelphia.

BEST FEMALE: Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Emmanuel Riva, Naomi Watts, Quvenzhane Wallis.

ANALYSIS: WTF? I can't lie. I got nothing. Riva might be the Mariano Rivera of this crew.

LIKELY OUTCOME: Jennifer Lawrence Peter Berra?

SUPPORTING ACTORS: De Niro, Arkin, Hoffman, Jones, Waltz, Adams, Field, Hathaway, Hunt, Weaver.

ANALYSIS: Let's hope De Niro brings his A-game. Arkin, Hathaway and Hoffman should be Yankee fans, considering everything NY has done for them.  But stars are quirky. Tommie Lee Jones went to Harvard. That could warp him. Just donno.

LIKELY OUTCOME: De Niro and Hathaway - two big Yankee wins. (I'm calling Hathaway pro-Yankee until she calls to complain.)

FINAL SCORE:  Washington, De Niro and the Hath cannot offset the Goodwin-Affleck gravy train. Redsocks heavily favored. Sorry folks, I don't make this stuff up. I just report.

1 comment:

Robert DeNiro said...

Hey, beanhead! Yeah, YOU, Ben Affleck. Are you lookin' at me? Are YOU lookin' at ME? Listen, punk, take note of the fact that the guys with style (me, Denzell, Nicholson), we're all Yankee fans. You, Bernie Madoff, Rand Paul, you're all typical Red Sox fans. Unscrupulous and ugly. So get out of Hollowood or Denzell will do to you what he did to the wise guy in "American Gangster". Scram, Affleck.