Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Yankee Defcom 5: The Yankees should scatter players around the globe on Asteroid Day

Friday is Asteroid Day in America. Top scientists say a bus-sized chunk of rock will miss the earth by about 15 minutes, closer than anything since we started tracking them with slide-rules. NASA calls it a "city killer" (Abe Beam wasn't the only one.) If the chunk hits Atlanta, everybody's a Flame. If it hits Denver, everybody's a Nugget. If it hits Boston, everybody's a-brewin'...

The official word: Don't worry, everybody, it will miss Earth.

Which is exactly what they'd say if it's heading for Syracuse.

We've seen this movie. We know the deal. The authorities fear mass riots. They don't want a zombie apocalypse. There was a Charles Bukowski poem where the world ends, he grabs a woman, rips off her dress, and the last line of humanity goes something like, "I shoved it in." The Army doesn't want this. We need to maintain orderly lines at Walmart. (But don't shop at Target.) 

So let's assume Friday is the end of a city. We can sit back and think about which city could disappear, but that's really not nice. (That said, have you ever driven through Schenectady?) Instead, we of the Yankiverse must demand security measures:

On Friday, our heroes must not be consolidated in Tampa.

Listen: We don't have Bruce Willis sitting on that asteroid with a nuke. We don't have a super rock death ray. If that rock turns out to be a breaking ball, instead of a fastball, some unlucky ballclub could pay the price.
We can overcome the loss a player, but if we concentrate our pitching staff in Tampa and it's - kaboom - well, there go the next three seasons. We'd probably get an extra sympathy draft pick next summer, and Selig could cut us some breaks on the salary cap, but we'd lose big if the chunk does Tampa. We become the Tampa raze.

Yank the Yankees! Scatter them to the wind.

For starters, we move Jeet, Mo, Andy and Robbie to a secret fortress a mile below the earth. Hal and Hank know those twin lady socialites who exchanged emails with Petraeus and all the generals. They must know of an underground bunker. (Note:  Deep underground, Robbie Cano might be inclined to sign an extension, in exchange for having his life saved.) We load a few prospects on a plane. Marginal players should be cut loose. We can lose a backup catcher or even a starter - especially one who strikes out 7 out of 11 at bats in the post-season - but we can't lose an infield. 

We must work now to delay spring training. Don't put our eggs in one basket. That ain't Bukowski, but he'd approve, or be self-medicated enough not to care.

1 comment:

John M said...

I was sick yesterday and missed the Schenectady remark until just now.

And I'm going there tomorrow, too. The pain, the pain.