News Flash: Redsocks sign Bartolo Colon

The Bean Eaters sign the hurler to a minor league deal.

Which is great news for the restaurants of Pawtucket.

Enjoy the ride from Anaheim.

Redsocks to Schilling: We just signed your replacement

Bartolo Colon is a Redsock.

Everything is going according to our plan. MWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Redsocks: Manny Delacarmen has "reshaped his body"

In fact, he has really "turned some heads," according to pitching coach John Farrell.

(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

It's great when players shape-shift.

Of course, when Yankee bodies reshape... well... some people question our mystique.

Oscar Flashback: Remember this classic?

Seeing as how we've got a movie theme going on here ...

And the nominees for Best Actress are...

Laura Bush... "HAIRSPRAY."



Jessica Canseco... "SUPERBAD."

Debbie Clemens... "A MIGHTY HEART."

Suzyn Waldman... "REIGN OVER ME."

Hillary Clinton... "ARE WE DONE YET?"

Condoleezza Rice... "THE REAPING"

Contender alert! Brewers experimenting with an idea so crazy, it just might work

Manager Ned Yost spent all winter coming up with this idea: catcher Jason Kendall might bat ninth this year!

What's next, a racing bratwurst at leadoff? With the green light, no less?

Yankee fans, it's this kind of cutting-edge thinking that should scare the bejesus out of you or at least make you feel like your underwear's too tight.

And the nominees for Best Actor are..

Joe Torre... "I'M NOT THERE."




Roger Clemens... "THERE WILL BE BLOOD."


Henry Waxman... "THE SAVAGES"





Brian McNamee.... "LADY IN THE WATER"





Curt Schilling... 'NO CONTRACT FOR OLD MEN"


Jacoby Ellsbury... "I AM LEGEND"

Wang, Mussina: "The only Yankees to stay dry."

Big news from Tampa...

"More than a few players were caught outside in the bullpen when the clouds opened up, yet only two -- veteran Mussina and the 27-year-old Wang -- had fleet enough feet to find shelter. The two huddled together beneath an overpass to wait out the storm and took up just enough room so that they were the only Yankees to stay dry."

Yankeetorial: What do we do about Roger?

As professional Yankeeologists, we are sworn to uphold the highest ideals of fandom.

But in a time when the "news" media throws more ink at Roger Clemens than to issues that matter, such as building our Virtual Border Fence, waterboarding the truth out of terrorists and appreciating an artful Marilyn Monroe tribute by the delightful, freckled pixie, Lindsay Lohan… well… let’s just say, it’s a challenge.

Increasingly, the Clemens affair mirrors U.S. involvement in Iraq. Yes, we’re stuck. Yes, he’s a buffoon. Yes, he lied. But he’s our lying, juicing buffoon, dammit! We must hang together, or hang separately… from lampposts outside Fenway Park.

We need Talking Points.

ROGER CLEMENS YANK FAN TALKING POINTS.

When assaulted by a Redsock:

1. Note that news footage always shows Roger in a NY cap and the pinko anchors call him a "former Yankee." They conveniently neglect other teams. Fine. When he goes into Cooperstown – and he will – if there is still justice, Roger must wear a Yankee cap.

2. Having endured the antisceptic bristles of Waxman's fine-tooth comb, the 2008 Yankees are now America’s Clean and Green Team. It’s like John McCain being disinfected by the Times. We’ve been probed up the wazoo, literally! Have the Minnesota Twins been asked to drop their pants? If Joanne Santana throws a shutout, we need protestors outside Shea – (can we hire those Cubans, like in 2000?), to raise beakers and demand his urine.

3. The Titan Defense. Face it: All baseball greats are nutjobs. Babe Ruth was a glutton. Ty Cobb was evil incarnate. Mickey Mantle drank too much. Pete Rose, a compulsive gambler. (BTW: They deny Pete the Hall, but Billy Bennett remains a Fox commentator?) Wade Boggs, a sex addict. Ted Williams? Thaw him out, and ask for tips on parenthood. Nutjobs. Now we’re going to start savaging them?

4. Everybody jokes about Roger’s butt. But that abscess had to hurt like a muther. He couldn’t sit. He couldn't stand. He bled through his jeans. Think about that. He bled through his underwear, his bandage and his jeans. When you give blood to the Red Cross, you're probably pumping less. That’s taking one for the team. That’s called sacrifice. Roger Clemens gave everything he had to the fans. Even his butt. Same with Debbie. She put her butt on the line for Sports Illustrated. Cut her some slack.

5. It’s only February. It’s a long season. Hurl your stones, Redsock fans. Jose Canseco threw a lot of parties. There's a lot of clam dip left to analyze.

Ancient One Brings Awareness to Party

Thus far, the daffiest paragraph of the spring. Read it 9 or 10 times. Savor it.

George King on King George:

"The Boss, at 77, isn't involved like he used to be, but he still takes notice of what's important. On Wednesday night he came to the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the new right-field party deck."

Who in God's name does Salomon Eduardo Manriquez think he is?!

Salomon Eduardo Manriquez.

Salomon. Eduardo. Manriquez.

How dare you? How dare you send a ball leaving the hand of The Savior of Port St. Lucie -- Johan Santana -- into orbit?

You cad.

Sure, it was only batting practice. Sure it was on some dinky field. But you sir, a 24-year-old catcher from Venezuela, will soon find yourself toiling in the backwater towns of America, riding on buses and sharing rooms with pimply faced high schoolers from Alabama who turned down an education because they were the 567th draft pick in 2001.

You hack!

Trying to explore your glorious baseball career, we ventured to the Mets' official Web site and we found this: "There is no biography information available for this player."

You cramp!

LEAVE THE SAVIOR ALONE!

Yankeetorial: Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, Roger Clemens... John McCain?

John, Senator, dude...

First, what’s with the lobby chick? She looks like Ali McBeal after taking control of The Cosmic Cube. (Hm-mm, that could be titillating.) Ask David Wells about the lobby chicks. And, really, do you dare cross Darth Smiley?

Frankly, what was it about the 90’s? Bill Clinton. Newt Gingrich. That Livingston stud. Rudy G. Wild Billy Bennett. Was Pfizer secretly test-marketing Viagra? (“Psst. Henry, try this. You’ll go from Senator Hyde to Mister Hyde.”)

But that’s not our business. Our business is winning World Championships. And as Yankee fans, we write with the all-knowing wisdom of having won 26 World Championships, more than even the United States of America.


And if there’s one thing we know well, it’s when a pitcher is past his prime.

A few names here: Kevin Brown. Randy Johnson. Mike Mussina. David Wells. Roger Clemens. Dwight Gooden. You get the picture.

You want a 4-year contract at age 71.

We gave Mariano, at 38, only three years.

The Great Mariano Rivera... Only. Three. Years.

Realistically, how many innings do you have? Fifty? A hundred? Face it, Boomer, the last time you threw 200 innings was 1995, when you were slinking through lobbies with the Cosmic Cube lady.

How can we justify giving you a 4-year deal?

Don’t take this wrong. Obama could blow out his elbow, be the next Sam Millitello. And Hillary’s got Ed Whitson written all over her.

But four years? Forget it. We know what’ll happen:


You’ll go five innings and turn it over to the bullpen.


Who'll be there? Condi Rice? Bobby Gates? Yeessh. Listen: Condi is Kyle Farnsworth, and Gates is Brian Bruney. Forget it. And for God's sake, don't run with Huckabee, unless you want every evangelical minister leading Sunday service with a prayer for you to die.


Finally, what’s with the jaw? Do you know your head is oozing to the left, like some funhouse mirror? When they call you left-leaning, is that it?

The end of El Duque?

If so, we are in deep... wait a minute!

Wrong one!


Whew!

Breaking News! The Savior of Port St. Lucie in action!

Just read the headline on this investigative, undercover, blow-the-lid-off Post exclusive:

Roger Caught over the Clam Dip during Canseco Superparty Megablast

In the Daily Planet, trouble for the Ramblin' Rocket.

Big John Law is sniffing the trail…

Their leads could include new photographic evidence that has emerged to potentially undermine Clemens' sworn testimony that he did not attend a 1998 party at the home of his then-teammate Jose Canseco - a party that figured both in the Mitchell Report and the Feb.13 public hearing in Washington.

Ouch. The report says the picture was taken by an 11-year-old, (Please, let it be Jeffrey Maiers!) putting the former future Hall of Famer in line to utter the lamentation of a Scooby villain.

“I’d have gotten away with it if not for those pesky kids!”

Bullpen Bulletins

ITEM! A warm Sterling welcome to new blogmates Wailin' Suzyn and a second mystery man whose handle we don't know because he hasn't told us yet! With these two on the keyboard and Coney in the YES Booth, 2008 is shapin' up to be the most clearly comprehended contest in Yankee history! You're welcome!

ITEM! Wailin', Bern, Duque, friend-of-the-blog Moose and the visiting Prince huddled yesterday in frozen downtown Syracuse over decidedly delicious Dinosaur BBQ! The five-tool fivesome hatched a peck of preposterous plans for IT IS HIGH's '08 season--in the few precious moments when they weren't cuttin' up! Sheesh, guys!

ITEM! Didja notice how much faster the page loaded today? That's because the aforementioned Dinosaur Summit Crew browbeat Prince into deleting the dead polls from the sidebar! We gotta tell ya, all that clickin' and squintin' nearly wore Seattle's #1 Yankee Fan out! So why go the extra mile? Because we love ya, Yank Believer!

ITEM! Speakin' of the sensational sidebar, this week all IT IS HIGH bloggers were granted access to actually edit the blamed thing! They can add pix 'n' polls, delete headlines that piss them off, and otherwise fuck things up! What does this mean to you, the enlightened reader? Just a higher dose of chaos in the Sizzling Sterling Style!

Whoa! Almost outta pixels, and it feels like we were just gettin' started! So until our next riotous "rap" session... FACE FENWAY and MAKE MINE MATSUI!

Balboni better be sweatin' ...

Another shocking story out of Yankee training camp ...

Bobby Abreu has arrived and he's IN GREAT SHAPE!!!!

Contender alert! Beware of the Twins

Here's the ominous lead to a story in today's Star-Tribune:

"One of the more interesting position battles in recent Twins history is about to take shape between Carlos Gomez, Denard Span and Jason Pridie. At stake: center field."

Yankeetorial: Let Manny be Yogi?

While Yank writers comb every A-Rod fart for perjury, making spring interviews look like chess games between Tim Russert and Death, the laptop lapdogs of New England can’t get enough of loveable, twinkle-in-the-eye, Redsock mirth machine Manny Ramirez.

In a glorious five-minute oration yesterday, Manny regaled the sun-burnt Gammonites with rhinestones of stupidity that could make Boston forget Larry Bird, or at least Mitt Romney.

“I might be late two years in a row, but I'm always on time."

“I want to be like Julio Franco. Play until I can.”

“I want to stay here, but it's up to them if they want to bring me.”

To which the scribes conclude:

Isn’t. He. Something!

(By. The. Way. It’s. Forceful. Writing. Like. This.)

For 20some years, Redsock fans slapped their knees while marveling at Spaceman Lee's bong-watered garden of wisdom, so why not anoint Manny as the new Bard of ‘[REDACTED}? Remember: New England fans are God’s Chosen Suffering Frat Boys. The closest oracle to Yogi they’ve got is the Bloody Sock Blogger, Ketsup Schilling, who is as wise and mirthful as an outbreak of salmonella at the Jimmy Fund banquet.

One. Thing. Though.

If Roger Clemens took juice through the caboose, Man the Man must be getting his HGH memory supplements via the forehead. From the sound of things, he’s advancing directly into Jessica Simpson territory. Soon, he’ll be asking why they call tuna “Chicken of the Sea,” or saying it’s a good thing they print credit card numbers on each card, because he otherwise wouldn’t remember his.

Sew foam pads onto your thighs, Redsock fans. You'll be slapping them the rest of your lives.

Manny wants to stay with New England until he retires.

So do we.

ESPN projects Abreu HR chase will go on into '09

The fantasy talking heads at ESPN project that Bobby Abreu's assault on Steve Balboni's mark of 41 homers as a Yankee will spill over into the 2009 season, assuming that the right fielder is retained by the club beyond this year.

ESPN projects Abreu to rake 14 dingers in 2008, a number that would leave him 4 short of the 18 needed to tie Balboni's record.

With 19 jacks in 2008, Abreu not only would surpass Balboni, he also would join Dan Pasqua in a tie for 80th place on the all-time Yankee home run list.

Pasqua, who was once picked by Sports Illustrated to lead the American League in home runs, could not be reached for comment.

We caught up with Balboni between bites of Kansas City barbecue.

"Will I be sad to see Abreu break my mark?", he asked.

"Maybe I will. But I will go to my grave knowing that I hit 3 more bombs in Pinstripes than David Justice, and 10 more than Rick Cerone, and that's got to count for something. Hey, you gonna eat those fries?"