Yankeetorial: What do we do about Roger?

As professional Yankeeologists, we are sworn to uphold the highest ideals of fandom.

But in a time when the "news" media throws more ink at Roger Clemens than to issues that matter, such as building our Virtual Border Fence, waterboarding the truth out of terrorists and appreciating an artful Marilyn Monroe tribute by the delightful, freckled pixie, Lindsay Lohan… well… let’s just say, it’s a challenge.

Increasingly, the Clemens affair mirrors U.S. involvement in Iraq. Yes, we’re stuck. Yes, he’s a buffoon. Yes, he lied. But he’s our lying, juicing buffoon, dammit! We must hang together, or hang separately… from lampposts outside Fenway Park.

We need Talking Points.

ROGER CLEMENS YANK FAN TALKING POINTS.

When assaulted by a Redsock:

1. Note that news footage always shows Roger in a NY cap and the pinko anchors call him a "former Yankee." They conveniently neglect other teams. Fine. When he goes into Cooperstown – and he will – if there is still justice, Roger must wear a Yankee cap.

2. Having endured the antisceptic bristles of Waxman's fine-tooth comb, the 2008 Yankees are now America’s Clean and Green Team. It’s like John McCain being disinfected by the Times. We’ve been probed up the wazoo, literally! Have the Minnesota Twins been asked to drop their pants? If Joanne Santana throws a shutout, we need protestors outside Shea – (can we hire those Cubans, like in 2000?), to raise beakers and demand his urine.

3. The Titan Defense. Face it: All baseball greats are nutjobs. Babe Ruth was a glutton. Ty Cobb was evil incarnate. Mickey Mantle drank too much. Pete Rose, a compulsive gambler. (BTW: They deny Pete the Hall, but Billy Bennett remains a Fox commentator?) Wade Boggs, a sex addict. Ted Williams? Thaw him out, and ask for tips on parenthood. Nutjobs. Now we’re going to start savaging them?

4. Everybody jokes about Roger’s butt. But that abscess had to hurt like a muther. He couldn’t sit. He couldn't stand. He bled through his jeans. Think about that. He bled through his underwear, his bandage and his jeans. When you give blood to the Red Cross, you're probably pumping less. That’s taking one for the team. That’s called sacrifice. Roger Clemens gave everything he had to the fans. Even his butt. Same with Debbie. She put her butt on the line for Sports Illustrated. Cut her some slack.

5. It’s only February. It’s a long season. Hurl your stones, Redsock fans. Jose Canseco threw a lot of parties. There's a lot of clam dip left to analyze.