Exclusive: Secret wire tap shows why Clemens is messin' with ESPN

News Flash: Roger Clemens is laying low. He's skipping his planned appearance at ESPN The Weekend at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Officially, he's claiming he doesn't want to be a distraction.

But we obtained this exclusive transcript that suggests another motive. We got it from a secret wiretap performed in the interest of national security without any judicial oversight. (Get used to it, America.)

Debbie: Now, Roger, you come outta there. We're going to Disney and that's that. You come out of your room this instant!

Roger: Nah, Debbie. I don't wanna come out. They'll all laugh at me.

Debbie: No they won't.

Roger: Yes they will. They're mean. All those guys in suits and bad haircuts. They don't believe a word I say. They're all mean. Mr. Wax Man is a meanie.

Debbie: Now, Roger, Mr. Waxman didn't mean it. And he won't even be at Disney. Hey, remember that one of those nice people on that committee called you a titan. Remember that? Don't you want to be a titan? Would a titan stay locked up in his room? Wouldn't you like to come out and play with all the other super special titans at Disney so the regular people can look at you and feel really, really happy?

Roger: No.

Debbie: But, Roger, if you don't go, I can't go, and then I'll never get to wear that cute little dress I bought that show off my great big ... shoulders. You don't want to deprive the non-titans of that, would you?

Roger: No. I won't go. I won't. I won't. I WON'T!

Tape ends here. Sorry.