Everyone's in greatest shape ever! Looking for big year!

Every spring, same bullshit.

New outlook! New leaf! Can't wait! Problems solved! Which way to the sauna?

The writers lap it up, adhering to Journalism's 4-Step Model:

Find 'em, feel 'em, file 'em, forget 'em.

Check these rancid quotes. First, try to figure out who they're about. Then, ask yourself what Kool-Aid they're serving?

"I'm ready to go out there and prove to everyone that I'm still a pretty good player. I've been pretty consistent over my career. But when you talk about good players in the league my name hardly comes up and I don't think that's right. I need to go out there and show them.”

"His command is way ahead of where it was last year at this time."

"We need him to do a lot of different things, go from first to third, second to home... That's how you get the most out of people and he looked great."

No. Not Condoleezza Rice. (But you're close!)

Damon, Igawa, Giambi.

Might as well be Tinkers, Evers and Chance.