Spotlight on Dan Burton: The Billy Martin of Congress

Thank God one U.S. Congressman had the decency yesterday to appear at the DC Steroids Cage Match absolutely knock-kneed, shit-the-bed, sleep-with-the-dog, goo-goo drunk:

Indiana's Dan Burton.

Fans, we have found our mascot replacement for Rudy Giuliani!

With Burton screaming from the front box seats, "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, MANNY RAMIREZ! YOU'RE FULL OF LIES, LIES, LIES," we'll spook the Redsock Nation like the ghost of Bill Buckner. Feed Danny some Jack, hand him a deposition and point him to the batter's box. Let's see Jacoby Ellsbury hit with a hot gust of 90-proof breath blowing into his face. He'll be OUR gyroball!

Sadly, federal transcripts don't record hiccups, so it's hard to fully appreciate Burton's Lindsay Lohansian rant yesterday toward evil trainer/pinyata (and Redsock fan?) Brian "Beercan" McNamee. But here are the words.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE. I KNOW ONE THING I DON'T BELIEVE, AND THAT'S YOU!

"ROGER CLEMENS IS A BASEBALL... HE'S A TITAN. AN YOU, WITH ALL THESE LIES, IF THEY'RE NOT TRUE, ARE DESTROYING HIM AND HIS REPUTATION. NOW, HOW DOES HE GET HIS REPUTATION BACK, IF THIS IS NOT TRUE?

"YOU SAID YOU FELT BAD? YOU FELT BAD ABOUT PROPOSING THESE AND GIVING THESE TO THE MITCHELL COMMITTEE WHEN YOU FIRST STARTING TALKING TO THEM... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

"LIES, LIES, LIES, LIES, LIES!"

Ahhhhh. The drunk cry of joyous certainty. It's been a while. Close your eyes, and you can remember every great humiliation of Congressional hearing's past: Joe McCarthy, Watergate, Mi Lai, Clarence Thomas, Ollie North... the greatest finger-waving, self-righteous tempests of American gasbaggery ever assembled.

For a baseball player.