Writer's mouth contributes to orgasm

At mlb.com--Bud Selig's website--columnist Richard Justice pays tribute to:

• A "thoroughly honest" man of "essential decency" and "sensitivity on racial fairness issues."
• "One of the great storytellers on earth," blessed with "perfect comedic timing."
• A "large presence" who "does not meet many strangers. He likes people."
• A "friend" of "presidents, governors, ticket-takers, peanut vendors" "general managers, umpires, trainers, team doctors and players,"  who "spoke their language, had their trust."
• A  "sounding board" who "has counseled players regarding their marriages, children, girlfriends, alcohol consumption -- you name it."
• An "extraordinary success," "as competitive as any person you'll ever meet," whose "vision and ability to forge a consensus" makes him...
• "The greatest Commissioner of them all."

Last month, Justice examined Selig's new playoff expansion. After much reflection, he found it to be of "sheer brilliance."

Today's Silver Sterling Moment: "Will Today's Game Affect Tomorrow?"

Are the Yankees Greece? And should we take to the streets?

Once upon a time, Yankee authority hinged upon one universal rule of security:

If you see something, sign someone.

Under the old regime, we survived ups and downs. But we spent whatever it took, and we won four of out five, plus another in 2009... in time to bid the Boss farewell.

Now, the Steinbrother heirs -- Hal Jung il and Hank Sung il - have instituted new, draconian fiscal policies. Rather than spending money on security, they want to cut the Yankee budget, send pitchers to places like Pittsburgh and Cleveland for nothing in exchange, and they expect the fans to sit back and take it.

Unless we hit the streets with anti-Yankee regime protests - unless we refuse to accept the new austerity policies - we will end up with Chris Dickerson as our lefty DH.

Soon, the Cuban outfield prospect, Jorge Soler, will sign with some MLB team. According to reports, the Yankees are "serious" about him. Well, dammit, they should be. We have few high-ceiling outfielders in the farm system. Soler is a perfect fit. Trouble is, nobody should believe this skinflint Yankee administration is serious about spending its money. It is putting banks ahead of people.

Our Yankee standard of living is about to collapse under the weight of excessive luxury taxes, pushed down our throats by the world baseball cartel, led by $25 million per year Bud Selig. This talk about signing Jorge Soler looks like pure propaganda, an attempt to keep down our growing resistance. They don't want us to be fans. They want us to be sheep.

Well, dammit, it is time to take to the streets.

Occupy MLB. Occupy the Yankees. 

PS. If the Yankees DO sign Soler, I am willing to suspend this Call to Action. But I'm sick of this fiscal austerity crap. We are the Yankees, not Kansas City. It's time to spend our money.

Today's Silver Sterling Moment: "Rainouts"

Yankeetorial: Old George would have signed Humanis Centepedes

These days, it's clear: The Steinbrothers were adopted. Or else raised by frugal Third World nannies. They value every penny. They treasure each meal. They sing, two hours of pushing broom rents an eight-by-twelve four-bit room. No phone, no pool, no pets; they ain't got no cigarettes. They're unwilling to spend money. Yes, their precious, golden money. They love it more than winning.

By now, their father must be rooming in Hell with Christopher Hitchens, burning forever while Hitler and Joe Stalin take turns driving fiery spikes into their fingernails - but George is there not for smartmouthing God, but because his sons turned out to be chinzier than a leftover Value Meal. (Question to shrinks: Are they playing cheap because their father loved the Yankees more than them?) George would have never passed on Yu Darvish. George would have never let Albert Pujols go. And now, Humanis Centepedes, the video sensation and greatest Cuban import since red-speckled roaches, didn't even warrant a Cashman foot rub. The guy's verticle leap is north of Cody Ransom territory, but we sat in our darkened offices, the thermostat turned down to 50, while the Oakland A's signed him. We've outspent by the moneyball team!

Used to be, a Yankee fan had money. We weren't supposed to worry about team payroll. It was the best deal in American sports, the only team where you rooted hard and never feared being outspent. A free agent came on the market -- we grabbed him. And we never ran around poormouthing. We were the Yankees, and we always overpaid, and we wiped our butts with million dollar bills.  

Now, folks want AJ Burnett slathered with tar and sent to Pittsburgh on the Lake Shore Limited, and it's  all about money. If it wasn't, they'd be screaming about how Phil Hughes had to go.

We're about to trade Burnett to Pittsburgh for nothing, not even a decent prospect. He'll rebound and have a solid year. They always do. By June 15, we'll be calling Kevin Millwood's number, looking for somebody to start in a big series, because everybody else is on the DL or horrible. And why will this have happened?

Because our owners were adopted.

Yankeetorial: Why did we sign Freddy Garcia again?

We are about to trade AJ Burnett for a can of beans. Some fans want it. They're happy that the Steinbrothers will save $4 million by getting rid of AJ. They drank the Kool-Aid. They believe the Yankees have no money.

And why not trade Burnett. Everybody hates a millionaire who doesn't lift his weight. Sadly, he cannot be Kei Igawaed to Scranton, so he must be traded - preferably to the National League, to a team we will never have to see. They say Burnett would be a "clubhouse problem," though he's never been one before.

They say Burnett is washed up. Of course, we rescued Freddy Garcia last year from the scrap heap. We got Freddy cheap, because everybody said he was washed up. This year, we signed Freddy for a nice raise: $4 million.

So... wait a minute... we signed Freddy Garcia for $4 million - so we could sell AJ Burnett for $4 million?

Nothing against Freddy, if you like five-inning starts, but isn't AJ Burnett a younger and more likely prospect for 2012? Oh, sorry. I forgot. The overriding issue is saving the Steinbrothers money.

Today's Silver Sterling Moment: "A Strange and Nice Thing"

Yankees React

Who's Afraid of AJ Burnett: "Serious talks" between Yankees and Pirates over AJ Burnett

Yankees: You're nothing. I am the winner of the AL East, and you have nothing.
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Pirates: Oh? So you get testy, eh, Yankees! Well, anybody who wakes up in the morning with a face like AJ Burnett ends up getting testy, it's expected. Don't be so upset.
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Yankees: I'm not upset.

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Pirates: You're testy, Yankees. You’re going bald, and you’re testy.

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Yankees: Testy? Look at you. I hope that was an empty bottle, Pirates! Because you can't afford to waste good liquor, not on YOUR salary cap! You and your cheap shoes, you make me puke.

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Pirates: That wasn't a very nice thing to say, especially for a team that’s going bald. You know, Yankees, there's only been one man in your whole life who ever made you happy.

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Yankees: You're damn right. The Babe! And he didn’t play for you.

Pirates: Oh, I’m so impressed. I'm beside myself with jealousy. Mind if I throw up?

Yankees: Yeah, go ahead, Pirates. The bathroom’s over there. Go throw up.  
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Pirates: You’re a monster. You talk big, but you’re nothing inside. Nothing.
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Yankees: I wear the pants in the league because somebody's got to, but I am not a monster.

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Pirates: Hey, everybody. Look at the big man, Yankees! He’s got money because Yankees’ daddy - not Yankees - Yankees’ daddy died! He was a very old man with warts, who was very rich. So big, bad, balding Yankees, he’s got money.
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Yankees: Jesus, you’re gonna get it.
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Pirates: Yankees went and traded Jesus. Got nothing in return. Got NOTHING for Jesus.
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Yankees: DAMMIT! THAT’S IT! I'm not gonna try to deal with you any more! There was a second back there, Pirates, there was a second, JUST A SECOND when I could have gotten through to you, when maybe we could have cut through all this, this CRAP, and made a deal. But it's past, and I'm not gonna try.

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Pirates: Try, Yankees, try. Come on, big boy. I’m not afraid of you. Let's make a deal. I'll beat you at your own game.
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Yankees: Is that a threat, Pirates, huh? A threat from the cheap likes of you?
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Pirates: Yeah, it's a threat, Yankees.
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Yankees: Ohhh, you're gonna get it, YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!
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Pirates: Be careful, Yankees. Deal me AJ, go ahead, for minor leagues, to save Daddy's money. Do it. I'll rip you to pieces.

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Yankees: You're not man enough, Pirates! You haven't the guts. YOU CAN’T EVEN AFFORD TO PAY AJ. You're too cheap.
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Pirates: AJ, for minor leaguers. Come on, Yankees. Do it for your Daddy's money.  
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Yankees: DAMMIT, you’ve been drinking liquor for the last eight hours! Go ahead. Take AJ. YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER!
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Pirates: Deal?  
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Yankees: Deal. Just keep it from Joel Sherman.

Pansy

Pansy.

Today's Silver Sterling Moment: "Atlanta!"

POLICE BLOTTER: Was Yankee fan seeking money to help the team pay for a DH?

The Hamilton Spectator (Ontario, Canada)
February 7
DATELINE: MEAN STREETS

Halton regional police are looking for two men after the armed robbery of a Burlington convenience store over the weekend. Two men, one with a handgun, entered the Real Convenience Mart on Lakeshore Road on Sunday at about 7 a.m., police said.

The clerk was ordered to the ground and the men stole cash from the till and from ATM inside the store. They also took cigarettes and lottery tickets, police said.

One suspect is described as white, 20 to 25 years old, 5 foot 9 to 6 feet tall with short, dirty blond hair. He was wearing a dark New York jacket, possibly with a Yankees patch on the front with a white hoodie underneath.

Anyone with information is asked to contact the Burlington Criminal Investigations Bureau at 905-825-4747 ext. 2315.

Youk is married to the Brady Bunch

Ughhhh.

Today's Silver Sterling Moment: "Portrait of a Happily Married Couple"

Considering the pressures on him, should Cashman be making big trades right now?

These days, it must suck being Brian Cashman. His marriage tanked, his kids live elsewhere, his crazy concubine calls news conferences from jail, and he's sleeping on sidewalks. Worst of all - (as far as I'm concerned) - his billionaire bosses have turned into money-grubbing, white-loafer-wearing, Adelle-fan golfers.

Right now, with his world exploding like a Valentine's Day Parade in Syria, Cashman is on the phones, wrangling with the Pirates - our great trade partners of the 2000s - on a deal that would give them AJ Burnett for nobody - nuthin - except maybe movie rights to the Lenn Sakata Story and tip money for the Steinbrothers' pool and cabana team. From the moment that deal is consumated, the Yankees will be a worse team. But it will save the Steinboys some cabbage. And we know how important that is.

Last month, under the excruciating pressure of knowing his reputation was about to be shredded in the tabloids, Cashman may haved traded the next Edgar Martinez to Seattle for a wider version of Ubaldo Jimenez... and now we're planning to double-down? To Trade AJ Burnett for a plate of clams?

If Michael Pineda tweaks an elbow, or fails to pitch well, AJ Burnett could be the most important pitcher we have. And what do we get for him: Four million for a DH? If that was an issue, why did we buy Freddy Garcia for $4 million?

Sir... Brian... Sir.. listen to me, please... wait. Give it a rest. Hang up the phone. Do nothing. If our worst problem is the lack of a left-handed DH, let's celebrate! Let's not do something stupid. Last year, the Redsocks won the winter and lost the summer. Last year, the NY Giants lost the summer and won the winter. Spring training starts soon. Let's see what we've got before we sell AJ Burnett.

Take a rest, and get your life in order. You can't trade your way out of this mess.

Yankeetorial: Does the NY Post really need to destroy Brian Cashman?

Today, the Murdoch Megaphone runs a jailhouse interview with the walking borderline disorder named Louise Meanwhile - alias the Cashman stalker.

In it, she touts Cash's batting prowess, tells how hot she looked 20 years ago and triumphantly gooshes, "Everything he didn’t want to happen is happening right now.”

I'm not linking to the bastards anymore. Yeah -- news is news, warts and all, but at some point, journalists are supposed to know they're being played. This is Week II of the Cashman coverage. At some point, a publication - especially one that sells Yankee speculation like popcorn - ought to show a trace of judgement.

This is a woman with 13 orders of protection against her. This is a woman with obvious mental issues. She is bent on destroying a D-list, background celebrity whose family and marriage have been savaged - taking revenge because she couldn't extort more money from him, and her threats became so unhinged that he called the cops. This is a woman who, despite her lust for attention, does not need another headlines. It's Week II. She already dished once. What more can she say?

Listen: No old reporter has a pristeen conscience. There's always a story you wish you could take back. Anybody who claims otherwise is a liar or a fool. But this is baldfaced shit, so out-of-the-box nasty and obvious, you wonder how the writers and editors sleep. She summoned them to her kingdom, and they came. It's like the TV crews who scurried to Florida to film that nutjob preacher who wanted to burn the Koran - except they showed judgment. To inspire violence, he had to post it himself on YouTube.

OK, I know what you're thinking: It's the New York Post. How can I rail about the New York Post? Yeahp, you're right. My bad. Still, this is Week II of the Cashman saga. Week II. They're still masturbating over it like 14 years olds, happily letting themselves be used by a nutjob in a nuthouse.

Whenever I think of Rupert Murdoch, I always have the same thought: There is no God.

Week III almost here. I'm sure we've just begun.

Today's Silver Sterling Moment: "It's Just a Game"

Open Letter to Mitt Selig: Baseball needs SuperPacs

Dear Madam or Sir:

Baseball faces a life or death crisis. Heavy taxation threatens to destroy the game's role as the premier American metaphor for life.

Yes, tomorrow's Stepheinie Meyerses and Mary Higgins Clarks will no longer instinctively think: Nine players, nine planets... pitcher-catcher, man-woman...

To keep the game's traditional literary bones, baseball must emulate society. That means letting the richest teams do whatever the hell they want. No spending limits.

Dammit, what happened to you pansy billionaires? You fight high federal taxes - the ones that fund schools, roads and defense - but you want to tax American's flagship team, the Yankees, to the point of making us trade AJ Burnett so we can buy a measily left-handed DH. Jesus H. Montero! What is the world coming to when a billionaire must trade pitching for a platoon DH? Is that freedom, sir? Is that what we broke away from British tyrany to create?

No sir. It's socialism. When you luxury tax the Yankees, they are laughing in the Kremlin. 

Our Supreme Court has wisely curtailed spending limits on presidential campaigns. If limitless spending works for elections, it should work for baseball.

We need SuperPacs -- shadow organizations funded by secret billionaires -- to bolster the team. Donald Trump is good for $10 million. Bloomberg? Put him down for $20 million. Wall Street can raise $100 million without picking up the phone to call a hooker.
If the Yankees' SuperPac can raise - oh, let's say -- $200 million, we can keep our "payroll" at $100 million and use the gravy for discretionary spending. Brian Cashman can let an assistant run the SuperPac. It can buy Yu Darvish and CJ Wilson... and we wouldn't have had to trade Jesus, which sucked, by the way. Because of your excessive taxes, we traded Jesus. I hope you go down in history for that.

The next Daniele Steele might prefer lady sand volleyball as a metaphor for life. Beach of Dreams. Deal with that.

SuperPacs...

KEEP THE MONEY FLOWING

KEEP THE METAPHOR "ON BASE."

Yankeetorial: If we trade AJ Burnett, we'll regret it

Today, Feb. 9, we have seven - count 'em seven - starting pitchers. They will battle for five - just five -- slots. What a grand arsenal! How smart we are! Why, we should throw away a starter or two, and we'll still be perched high in our birdcage, compared to the Royals and Pirates of the world, right?

Listen: That's what Theo Epstein was thinking last year. The Redsocks had so many pitchers, they needed to ground a few up for sausage pizza.

Today, we have seven starters... that is, Ivan Nova's mysterious arm ailment from last October has gone away... and Freddie Garcia didn't get a year older... and Michael Pineda isn't Ubaldo Jiminez II... and Phil Hughes doesn't come to camp doofusing to everybody about his weight loss while looking like Karen Carpenter during her last performance of "Muskrat Love."  We have seven starters...  and as long as somebody right now is keeping quiet about hurting his elbow hurt last week on a twist-off bottle of MD-20/20.

In other words, we have seven starters at this moment in time  - which does us no good. What in the name of Carl Pavano would make us think this surplus will last?

The latest slush from the land of Yankee Speculation is that we want to peddle AJ Burnett to the Pirates for the ghost of Doc Medich, and that we'll pay them $8 million just to be done with him. Thus, we'll save $4 million this year and next. WTF? Let's rethink this.

AJ Burnett is not worth what we're paying him. That's our fault, not his. He's a decent major league pitcher. He might rebound. He's well worth having. And if a pitcher goes down - check that - when a pitcher goes down... we're going to need him.

Brian Cashman may be overthinking things these days, trying to outsmart the world. For reasons that don't need to be re-explained, he doesn't look as smart this week as two weeks ago. (Just as Theo doesn't look as smart this February as last year.) If the Jesus Montero trade tanks - considering that we also gave away Hector Noesi - we could be facing a serious arm shortage by May 15.

What is going on here? The latest line is that we're dumping AJ so we can sign a DH. Good grief: If we want to sign Johnny Damon, SIGN JOHNNY DAMON. Why are we letting money stand in the way? Come on, Steinbrenners! You're billionaires. What are you going to do, take it with you to the next world? Money can't buy you love - aside from the love I will gratefully pour your way in this blog if you win the World Series. Yes. Love. Nobody on that servant staff of yours will love you like this web site. Nobody. So pay up, you cheap bastards. Good grief. I shouldn't even have to be saying this. It's ridiculous. You should know it without having to hear it. Pay the money. You don't need another boat. And half of whatever Cashman makes is going to his ex-wife anyway. Take the cut and sign Johnny Damon.

Today's Silver Sterling Moment: "Honey Bun"