Ten Dollars for Baldelli’s Vomit! Rays to auction off “Extraordinary Baseball Experiences” During Yankee Game

Now, for the right price… pray with a Ray, lay with a Ray, spend a day with a Ray!

The magic happens Monday.

The Tampa Bay Rays will hold an auction of extraordinary baseball experiences during their game at Tropicana Field against the New York Yankees on Monday, May 12 beginning at 7:10 p.m.

Yes, now you can – for a price – enjoy the uniquely Tampa Bay Ray experience, which is sort of like paying to be waterboarded.

You’re thinking, “WTF is a Tampa Bay extraordinary baseball experience?” Well, it has nothing to do with watching Jonny Gomes pull a hammy while groping a Hooters server (though we at IIHIIFIIc hereby bid $100 for that one.)

Nope. Here’s what the queasy U.S. Dollar can still buy:

Hitting Lesson with Cliff Floyd
Four lucky fans will get a chance to receive one-on-one instruction from the Rays outfielder Cliff Floyd. This item includes instruction for up to four players ages 10 to 18. Ohe one-hour hitting lesson will take place at Tropicana Field during the 2008 regular season.

Woah. A former Expo can show your kid how not to step in the bucket. Too bad Dwight Gooden doesn’t qualify. He could give lessons on handling Tampa cops during a domestic.

But is Cliff Floyd the end-all Ray experience?

We say, Hell no.

Here are some Raymemberings that should ante-up the bidding.

Fantasy Future Hall of Fame Speculation with Scott Kazmir

Fans, ages 17-22, can sit around, listen to music, maybe a smoke a doobie and talk to the next Sandy Koufax. Every 15 minutes, a tape loop will say, “Wow, man, the Mets were really stupid to trade you,” or, “Dude, you’re gonna be great one of these years.” Winners get personalized “Any Day Now!”

Wade Boggs Retired Number Moment Re-enactment DVD

Now, you can relive the greatest moment in (Devil) Rays history, when the great one’s number – uhm, we forget what it was -- was officially retired. Plus, a bonus DVD of Chicken Man getting his 3,000th hit, while a (Devil) Ray. Yep. Watching the former Redsock and Yankee finish up with the Rays is truly a great Rays memory, which about sums it up, eh?

1999 Competitive Salary Reunion Pub Crawl

Go bar hopping with Fred McGriff, Jose Canseco, Vinnie Castilla and Greg Vaughn, the vaunted 1999 “Hit Show,” which was basically the last time the (Devil) Rays attempted to compete at a MLB salary level. Relive the big moments when the team lost with an expensive lineup! Bring extra cash, and maybe your wife can challenge Mrs. Canseco to a boob contest.

Get chewed out by Lou Pinella

Former manager Lou, who boosted Tampa pride in 2003 before finishing last and heading to Chicago, will come to your house and pretend that you are Rocco Baldelli, getting thrown out trying to steal third with two outs. Boy, will it be fun knowing that Lou is angry, and there’s nothing he can do, because he doesn’t live here anymore.

Annual June-July Housecleaning

Are you a fat, lazy, good-for-nothing slob? Not to worry. The Rays front office can do for your home what they do for the team every July: Hold a garage sale. Got a bunch of heirlooms taking up space? Or how about a designated hitter? Watch the front office trade it for a 15-year old pool boy. What the hell. It was going to wind up in the basement anyway.

Your Name Change

Felix, Omar, Irving… Hey, how would you like a new, cooler name? Harry Studd! Big Dick Hertzer! Anita Mantokiss! It can be yours. Let the masters of the name change come to your rescue. Start over with Skip, Flash, or Bruiser. They’ll never call you Hyman again. From now on, you’re “Buster Hyman!” It's all part of being a Ray. Wait! Does Rachel Ray play for Tampa?