DAVID BROOKS’ SCHEDULE FOR FRIDAY

He's everywhere, he's everywhere...

5:30 a.m. Wake up alarm music: “Your Body is a Wonderland.”

5:31 a.m. Sitting in skivvies, appear via phone on NPR as witty, disarming conservative pundit.

6 a.m. Arrange comb-over.

7 a.m. Breakfast with Paul Krugman, listening to insufferable crap about Nobel Prize.

8 a.m. Cardio workout, with Krugman photo taped to punching bag.

9 a.m. Sitting in skivvies, appear via phone on CNN as witty, disarming conservative pundit.

10 a.m. Ponder differences between “Starbucks Coffee-Sipper Guy” vs. “Dunkin' Donuts Coffee-Slurper Guy,” rival subcultures that could affect election.

11 a.m. Conference call with Cokie Roberts and George Will to gauge opinions of everyday working Americans.

Noon. Lunch. Flirt with waitress by declaring self “Patio Man" and asking if she likes “Sprinkler City.”

1 p.m. Change trousers, due to coffee poured into lap by creeped-out waitress.

2 p.m. Sitting in skivvies, appear via phone on MSNBC as witty, disarming conservative pundit.

3 p.m. Stare at flag and shout "G.O.P! G.O.P!" until recurring doubts about John McCain disappear.

3:30 p.m. Cab ride to New York Times. En route, regale driver by identifying him as “Burkean conservative... who believes society is an organism; that custom, tradition, and habit are the prime movers of that organism; and that successful government institutions grow gradually from each nation's unique network of moral and social restraints."

3:45 p.m. Realize cabbie speaks no English.

4 p.m. Ponder differences between “Toothless Unclean Incontinent Street Man” vs. “Armani Pants-Suited Harvard Business Woman,” rival subcultures that could affect election.

4:30 p.m. Start writing next day’s Times column.

4:45 p.m. Word-counter hits 900; file column.

5 p.m. Resume argument with William Kristol over what it takes to please “Sprawl Ladies.”

6 p.m. Rearrange comb-over.

7 p.m. Sitting in skivvies, (below camera), appear on PBS “News Hour with Jim Leher” as witty, disarming conservative pundit.

8 p.m. Sitting in skivvies, appear via phone on Fox News as witty, disarming liberal pundit.

9 p.m. Goodnight call from Krugman to discuss where he should mount Nobel Prize.

11 p.m. Awake in bed, muttering about where should have told Krugman to put prize.