Saturday, March 28, 2009

Yankeetorial: Team Right to Ban Inflamatory X-Rated She-Fan Confessional

Those bleeding heart New York Post mercy-me's are at it again. They're whinnying up a tizzy about the Yanks' refusal to publish an ad for "Confessions of a She-Fan," by publicity-mad, potty-mouthed playgirl Jane Heller in the team's new Cathedral of Clean.

We've read the She-Fan book. In terms of public outrage and blaspheme, it makes Salman Rushdie's "Satanic Verses" read like "Goodnight Moon." Listen: If Heller's poisonous allegations go uncensored by the Tower of Stein, it could lead to anarchy.

We had a similar incident at IT IS HIGH when we discovered the secret notes Alphonso had been writing to Kim Kardashian. We dealt with it. You readers never had to glimpse the hell that we did. Randy Levine's war room is just doing likewise.

In her attack book, Heller claims that:

1. The Yanks have not won a World Series since 2003. Yeow. This is her way of turning the screw, jabbing red-hot pins into the foreskin of Yank faithful just to watch them squirm. We hoped that the literary genre of spleen-venting hate went out with "Bliss My Ass," Kathy Lee Gifford's angry 1994 takedown of the Pope, but Heller clearly hopes to bring it back. Let the record show that we know: The Yanks have won every Series since 2003! She-Fan can say whatever the hell she wants. It's a lie.

2. Beloved, mirthful, iconic YES host Michael Kay, physically, has a "big head." This oft-repeated cheap shot stems from Kay's genetic condition of the endocrinal glands, which causes a painful cranial bloating made more noticable by his choice of neckties. But here's the real story. Insiders believe Heller's malicious lie is a last-whack revenge groinshot that stems from their broken love relationship. We will not dignify such an allegation, by printing it here. But something is up, and it's not Kay's hatsize.

3. Watching Yankees Classics on YES is like "watching reruns of Pretty Woman, where Julia Roberts always ends up with Richard Gere." She said it, not us. REPEATING: She said it, not us. We have sent copies of this damnation to both Mr. Gere and Ms. Roberts so that they can take appropriate legal action and be forewarned if Heller ever tries to buy ad space at one of their movies.

4. At one point in a post-season game against Cleveland, Ms. Heller confronted a "tub of guts in a Lofton jersey" by shouting "SHUT YOUR FUCKING RALLY PIE HOLE!" Heller should be grateful that the Yank do not demand that her mouth be publicly scrubbed with anticeptic soap.

In fact, considering that the new park will be the first ever sprayed to conquer illegal microorganisms, isn't it right to hope that it will sanitized of improper words?


Whitey Fraud said...

Despite the fact that she's "moved on," I will continue to stand by her. Or at least, stand behind her.


Wow. Our She-Fan is a Page Six boldfaced name. I'm going to start wearing a necktie around here.

Behind the Scenes Fonzy said...

Dear Editor?Owner Duque,

I can't believe you brought up that Kim Kardashian issue/conflict again!!!

When is history, history?

I thought we turned that page. I thought the lawsuits were settled. I thought Kim and I were "done."

Weren't our First Amendment rights upheld?

How much more time will I have to spend in jail protecting sources?

Do I have to stay "south of the border" all season? Again?

Do I have to go back out to LA and beg her to stop texting me?

This is like the return of the Taliban.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it was her drunken heckling at ST that did it.

She-Fan = Shitlisted.

Ross said...

You guys are endlessly hilarious. Thanks for the LOL-worthy post!

She-Fan said...

I can't type. I'm laughing so hard... I... can't... breathe....Pure genius.

unanimous said...

"the foreskin of Yank faithful"

Speak for yourself. I'm a lean, clean love machine.