Open Letter to Cameron Diaz: You can do better than this

Dear Princess Fiona,

Five months ago at the Super Bowl, Fox Stalker Network cameras showed you thrust popcorn into Alex Rodriguez's gaping maw, as if you were pushing a Big Mac wrapper through a flip-lid trash can. You weren't exactly Joe D and Marilyn cavorting through Times Square, but hell... 2011 isn't exactly 1948, either.

On behalf of the Yankiverse, one question:

JC, WTF? What did you put on that popcorn? Saltpeter? Estrogen? Human Shrink Hormone? JC, WTF!

Lady, you are Kate Winslet on the Titanic. You are George Washington, standing next to the cherry tree known as A-Rod. You have felled Alex the Great, Derek Jeet, the Yankiverse, the entire city of New York and even Sir John Sterling, who is currently sitting in a Tampa hotel room listening to Ethel Merman show tunes with the barrel of a loaded Glock in his mouth.

Lady, you did what Madonna, Kate Hudson and a V.D. nature trail of strippers, aerobics instructors and hungry airline stewardesses couldn't do: You turned A-Rod into Mike Pagliarulo. You are Samson's Delilah, Bill Clinton's Monica, Tony Romo's Jessica Simpson.... but don't get cocky. You're not Marilyn. Got it? Or Angelina Jolie. You're Yankus interruptus, not "Girl Interrupted." Inevitably, we all know what's going to happen. He'll hookup with a Kardashian, fulfilling ancient prophesies that have something to do with the Mayan calendar.

So, what now? Here's some simple advice:

Measure him, take your picture, throw him back.

I am not kidding. You know how they say, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?"

Well, the Yankees are the polar opposite. What happens to the Yankees, ricochets everywhere, like a shotgun blast in a coal bin. When the Yankees collapse, everybody and everything goes with them. I can fathom only one image uglier than the collapse of the New York Yankees. It has to do with a body part on Rush Limbaugh. That's as far as I will go. 

Measure him, take your picture, throw him back.

Lady, this is the beginning of a really bad movie. Think: "Vanilla Sky II." So punt. Run. As the Amityville horror house said, "GET! OUT!" Become a Scientologist. Take up Morris Dancing. Make a movie with Roman Polanski. Wait... here's the best idea yet.

Date Youkilis.