The Abyss Gazes Back

FIFTY THOUSAND MOONS

Friday, November 29, 2013

Black Friday guide to Yankee bargains

Already, fights are breaking out everywhere, as general managers jostle to stock their inventories with discount Yankee talent. Some of the deals being offered this holiday weekend:

Joba Chamberlain Rolley-Polley: This wind-up stuffed animal can whip a ping pong ball 95 miles per hour. And who knows what Joba will do once his furry skin is free of Cleveland midge infestation. Now, 80 percent off the MLB qualifying offer! It's Joba the Hunt! Take him home! (Be sure to spray him, first!)

Phil Hughes Action Figure: Bend him, stretch him, start him, slap him in the bullpen. All this lifelike pitcher-bot needs is 50 feet of extra space in right field, something the previous owner simply could not deliver. Like Joba, he's only 26. Now, 60 percent off. He's a steal!

Austin Romine/Frankie Cervelli back-up doorstop: Scrunch them into place behind the plate, and you've got 60 games of MLB catcher coverage. High potential at low cost. Hey, got a broken-down player taking space on your roster? Make an offer! One of these must go!

Gary Sanchez Mystery Globe: He's the best Yankee prospect since Jesus, which means: HE'S YOURS FOR THE TAKING! It's been a while since the team dealt away a future star, and they're eager to make up for lost time. They don't need any more catchers. Rick Rhoden? Ken Phelps? We've got a deal. Turn him over and see what the future brings: "SIGNS POINT TO YES."

No comments: