Dear Sonny, welcome to the Yankees, you better throw a shutout

Dear Mr. Gray,

Congratulations! You've been selected as a full-fledged member of the 2017 Bronx Bombers (formerly "Baby Bombers"), the newly rechristened "'17 Golden State Warriors of Baseball Hall of Fame Superteam of Destiny (TM).

According to independent analyses, provided by the YES Network, the Yankees are projected to clinch the 2017 AL East. All you need to do is prepare for Game One of the playoffs - or, as a slight possibility, the one game Bud Selig Wild Card. That means not blowing out your elbow. (That's a joke, of course. There's no reason to think you would blow out your elbow. Just saying it, so it doesn't happen. Nobody thinks it will. Never mind this. Pretend I said nothing. No sense thinking about bad things. Not that I was thinking about it. Nobody is.) 

In the meantime, here's the takeaway: It would be very much appreciated if you toss a few shutouts. We don't need perfect games. A couple five-hitters would do fine. Or, throw eight scoreless innings and - wait, actually, on second thought - let's stick with complete games. There's been a little glitch in our late innings - nothing to worry about - but now and then our closers go through - well - adjustments. Just go nine. Let's leave it at that. Nine. (And don't blow out that elbow, eh, mate? Heh heh, just joking. Bobs yer uncle!)

Recapping here: Think shutout. For example, tonight you'll face Corey Kluber, who has an ERA of 2.90. I don't think you should assume the Yankees will score 2.9 runs. In fact, I think you should pitch under the assumption that the team will score 0.0 runs tonight. Yes, zero point zero. We're going through a bit of a thistle patch here - nothing to worry about, mind you. At least, I don't think so. Well, actually, there might be some concerns. The problem is - well, it's so minor that I hesitate to even bring it up - the problem is we have one hitter. His name is Didi Gregorius, and last night he flopped. So, summarizing: Shutout. Nine innings. Hit totals are up to you.  

Wait... I don't want to give you the wrong impression. Everything is great! Wonderful! Fantastic! We're in first, uh, second. Here's some great news: Aaron Judge says he's figured out what's wrong. He's been jusssssssst missing pitches - not by much. Micrometers. Soon, we'll be back to chanting "M-V-P" when he comes to bat. Lately, it's been crickets. Tonight, if you hear anyone chanting "M-V-P," it'll probably be sarcastic Cleveland fans. Tune it out.

You will want to say hello to Matt Holliday. Lift his spirits. For the last weeks, as holidays go, he has become Friday the 13th. Bit of a slump, you might say. In the month of July, Matt hit .130. with 4 RBIs. He has hit into 13 double plays, each one a root canal. With two outs and runners in scoring position - the do-or-die moment for a veteran - he's at .182. In the category called "Late and Close," he's batting .232. I could give more stats. I prefer not to.

As you know, most ballplayers have the career lifespan of a beloved pet. Some last 20 years, cuddly to the end. Some turn into bumper stickers. Either way, sooner or later, you're constantly cleaning up after them. They'll have a good day, you'll assure yourself they're fine again, the medication works and it'll be like old times. Then they crap the bed. Last night, Holliday got two hits - though not in the eighth, with the tying run on base. Tonight, we're hoping for the best. Nobody wants to bench a veteran, any more than we want to take Packy for that final ride to the veterinarian. 

Also, say hello to your fellow newcomer, Todd Frazier. There's an old saying, "Sometimes, when everyone says it's raining, it's raining." With regard to Todd, it's raining. He came to the Yankees batting .207. He's now batting .205. If we were expecting a "Welcome home, Todd" hitting streak - well, so much for that. Still, the YES folks are giving Todd credit for Chase Headley's recent resurgence - he's getting singles and doubles - as a result of moving to first base. For the life of me, I cannot understand this. Maybe you can figure it out? Looks to me as though, in the batting order, we replaced Chris Carter with Chris Carter. Oh, well, don't mind me. 

Recapping now: Shutouts. Nine innings will do. Welcome to the golden state of chaos.