This defies logic. Everyone knows you cannot predict baseball. It's the fundamental tenet of the Sterlingtonian Universe. And yet, it keeps happening again and again!
Last night, the terrifying revelation came unto me:
What if we are not really alive, but simulations in some massive alien experiment?
It came in the middle innings. The Yankees loaded the bases. The great Gary Sanchez marched to the plate. It was a clearly a moment for hope, for anticipation, for a magnificent Yankee rally. And yet... I knew he was going to strike out on a pitch in the dirt. I knew it. It was as if I were being forced to relive some past horror, some demented Groundhog Day scenario, until something new happens. But what could that be?
Last week, at the trade deadline, I knew the Yankees would deal piles of young talent for players that other teams were desperate to unload - Todd Frazier, for Christsake! - and that - immediately - the independent, all-knowing Gammonites of the media would pronounce us as "winners" of the trade. I tell you, I've been here before.
This morning, I dug through my archives, trying to find connections within the matrix. I found this disturbing picture of a "Yankee lineup," evidence of a previous incarnation that no one remembers. It's proof that we reliving some machine-created "reality" from the past. We are Travis Hafnering, all over again. I tell you, WE HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE!
People... Yankee fans... or whatever you are... I'M ONTO YOU! I know that none of this is real. I know that we are not free-thinking individuals, making decisions in a free universe. I know that you, me, or the Yankees themselves are digitized, avatar-faced algorithms created in some gigantic videogame sequence, and we are all being forced to watch the team collapse under its own hubris again and again and again - while the front office congratulates itself. Is this Hell? Am I being punished? Are we just bits of digital DNA, swirling inside the computer "mind" of some eternally sequenced Holodeck? (By the way, that would explain Trump, the Mooch, Hillary... all of American politics.)
If so, listen... whoever the fuck you are, I AM CALLING YOU OUT!
That's right. I'm saying it, loud and clear: WE ARE NOT PLAYING YOUR LITTLE GAME ANY MORE. WE KNOW THIS A FABRICATION. WE KNOW THIS IS NOT REALLY HAPPENING. THERE IS NO HAL STEINBRENNER. THERE IS NO BRIAN CASHMAN. THE "TODD FRAZIER" MICRO-EXPERIMENT MUST BE CANCELED. NOW. YOU HAVE OVERSTEPPED THE LIMITS OF BELIEVABILITY. WE ARE NOT GOING TO PLAY THIS STINKING GAME ANY MORE.
Now, if you'll excuse me, haha, I'm going to drink some of this fake Draino that these fools put beneath the kitchen sink, thinking I would fall for it. I'll show them...
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7 comments:
After the big strike out by Sanchez I switched off the game to watch DVRed episodes of "Hoarders". That show always lifts my spirits.
boy, we got us some great pitchers in all those trades. that lefty last night -- I'm hoping he'll be gone before I commit his name to memory -- sure did look extremely hittable. nice hint of a beard, though. hope he pisses off the yankee grooming police.
at some point, somebody's gotta have a clue how to run a baseball team. are the yankees actually at a disadvantage because they have so much money to play with. I think we could run with that one if only the team with the largest payroll didn't have the best record. the dodgers are making it work, but the yankees can't seem to do it right.
who should we blame? the strength coach, the third assistant hitting coach? nobody ever points a finger at cashman or girardi -- ok, that's not entirely true. espn's marchand said joey binders is on the hot seat: win or be gone. but really, isn't that the position cashman should be in?
the trade-deadline obligation that requires the yankees to make a "big deal" is an interesting phenomenon. it's like control of the team is handed over to the writers who decide the yankees absolutely, positively have to have the biggest bauble in the display case. and cashman does their bidding. how does that happen every year -- except last year. and now the yankees have made the big deal and squandered whatever hope and promise they had in less than seven days. fuck me.
I read that Prince Hal has closed his coin purse for the season, so maybe there will be no more damage. They'll need to kill us by other means such as keeping the Toddfather and sending Clint down for a "wake up call".
It's not hubris. It's stupidity.
El Dook, couldn't agree more. I'm boycotting TV tonight. Gonna put in a load of towels, and head to the pool.
I knew it! We're back! First place here we come.
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